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FaceApp is making me a little desperate for change (self.trans)
submitted 2 days ago by captainjaneway to c/trans
24 comments fedilink hide all child comments

My wife and I have life plans that make HRT unrealistic in the near future. We're mostly concerned with fertility and my wife is still coming to terms with my identity. She understands it - she's just grappling with the possible future changes.

In the meantime, I'm starting to do what I can to transition without HRT. Shaving. Exercise and dieting. Growing my hair out. Facial routines and hair routines. Etc.

I found FaceApp (like many other trans folks) and I've become a little obsessive. I take at least one photo a day and I've experimented with using the generated photos in private accounts for a euphoria hit. But I'm feeling like it's making me constantly obsess with transitioning. I'm perusing trans timelines, MTF fashion, etc. on my phone a lot more than usual. Before using the app, I didn't really have "goals". I just wanted to get as close to feminine as possible. Now, I see this other face and I want to be her. I feel trapped in this body.

Anyways, I guess I'm just venting here. It hurts to feel this way.

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[-] fracture@beehaw.org 6 points 1 day ago

are you actually OK with putting off your transition to (presumably) have kids? a lot of people have commented about faceapp being bad, and they're right, but this seems like it's indicative of deeper dissatisfaction to me

the person who mentioned freezing sperm has a good point, it might get you where you want to be sooner

[-] captainjaneway 2 points 23 hours ago

Yeah I'm definitely struggling internally but I've been ok. I really want more kids and IVF is expensive. We are considering freezing my sperm, but it's expensive and I'm not exactly wealthy. I'm not poor, but I am a little strapped these days. I don't know what to do about it but I feel a bit stuck. My life plan is to have 2-3 kids. My wife wants more kids as well. She's nervous about the costs of IVF and she's afraid IVF might not work which would start to get even more costly. It's all very new to both of us so it's hard to just suddenly turn around and change our life plans drastically. I only came out to her a month ago or so.

[-] fracture@beehaw.org 4 points 21 hours ago* (last edited 21 hours ago)

i mean, if it's really that important to you to have kids, that's cool. it's a tough spot to be in, but it probably is simpler, in some ways, to wait it out for a couple of years and bang out the kids and then transition

but, if you're already feeling this strongly after a month, i think you should really assess how realistic it is for you to make it through several years. yeah, it sucks for you to give up your life goals, and it sucks for your wife too, but sometimes we wake up and discover we're trans and that's life. you can transition and adopt, or not actually have kids... these are still options that you should at least consider on the table

i think, ideally, IVF would be the route you take. maybe you could take out a medical loan for it? idk if they make non-predatory medical loans, maybe it's something you can look into. and you can just accept if it doesn't work, natural pregnancy might also not work, there's testing you can do for that too

anyways, obviously you're not gonna sort this out in one post, and you gotta sort it out with your wife, too. like i said, really tough situation. just remember, you need to survive it for it to be a viable option. you getting one or two kids in and CENSORED'ing yourself is a non-starter. be honest with yourself and what you can handle

(when you start using language like "i feel trapped in this body", it's very concerning for thoss kinds of feelings)

[-] captainjaneway 2 points 18 hours ago

I appreciate the concern and it's super kind of you to bring that all up. I've dealt with depression my whole life and I've gone to extensive therapy to treat it. On the positive side, I have tons of tools, medications, and support to deal with depression. My wife is aware of my history and I'm going to therapy. I'm taking Lexapro to alleviate my general depression. I'm not super worried about it because my wife and I understand that – if it ever gets to that point – I'll take HRT to alleviate my symptoms and begin fully transitioning.

Kids are really important to me. I've always wanted a decently sized family and my first child has been nothing but joy (and work, but mostly joy). As for the IVF, it's definitely on the table. My wife and I are going to assess a natural pregnancy solution in a few months and decide then if we're interested in trying. I'm pretty sure I can hang on that long. In the meantime, I'm doing everything I can via diet, exercise, and hair to achieve the goals that HRT isn't going to naturally provide. I'm hoping that we can get pregnant, I can then freeze my sperm, and then I can go on HRT. Basically, I'd be waiting 6-9 months before the HRT arrives at my doorstep. That's a long time and my plans might change, but that's the currently plan.

[-] fracture@beehaw.org 2 points 14 hours ago

OK good it's a relief you have that contingency in place. it sounds like you have a really good support system in place and i'm really glad to hear it

so i guess i'll leave you with my best advice for getting through the time until you start HRT:

really sit and internalize that you are a woman. you might think of it as, the way you look right now, on the outside, is not very much like a woman. in a way, it's the least you'll ever look like a woman. but regardless, you must internalize that you are a woman

which means confronting all of the internal biases you have about what a woman looks like. about facial structure, about facial hair, about your facial hair, if you have it. the way your body looks

you are a woman.

it's hard and it's painful to confront these things. but it's important, not even every cis woman looks how they want to, or might look manlier than they want. but they are still women, and so are you

obviously, you shouldn't come out anywhere you feel uncomfortable or unsafe. but, in the places you feel safe, you should be open about your identity. it's nice to be affirmed. if you can find community irl, that would be helpful, too

you'll probably have to work through a lot of internalized transphobia. i know i did, it took me a long time, and i'm probably still working through things

but it's so so so so SO important to internalize that you are a woman regardless of how you look

it is the antidote to the kind of mind poison that comes from scrolling transition timelines and comparing yourself to faceapp

so many trans girls i know look amazing and beautiful and still see a man in the mirror

start seeing a woman in the mirror NOW, so when you start HRT, you can truly appreciate all of the little changes it bring. or if you get surgery or whatever

you can only see a woman in the mirror when you start telling yourself the person in the mirror is a woman

when you feel that bite and sting of dysphoria, remind yourself that you are a woman

you are a woman. now, before the HRT, before you look how you want to look, before everything - you are a woman

godspeed, i hope everything works out for you

[-] SayJess 50 points 2 days ago

You need to stay away from those apps. They create unrealistic versions of ourselves that we aspire to, but can never truly be. It’s hard when you are first starting to explore your femininity—you want all of the changes to happen right now. But these things take time. It’s been years for me now, and I still am trying to accept myself for who I am. Stay strong, you can do this, but be patient.

[-] oftheair 14 points 2 days ago

Yeah, we agree, as entities who used it in the past and are far into our bodily transition with HRT the body doesn't look anything like it.

[-] captainjaneway 5 points 2 days ago

I'm not really worried about my body too much. I'm not super dysphoric about the shape (though I want my belly fat to go away). But I do really want the effeminate look in the face and hair. Are those apps still unrealistic? It's hard to imagine I'll never get to that goal point.

[-] lapis 1 points 5 hours ago

the problem with faceapp and similar apps/filters is they basically output "if you had the opposite AGAB, had a perfect skincare routine, wore makeup, and were also a model", which isn't a sane goal unless you're planning to get electrolysis and FFS and spend two hours a day on skincare and usually wear makeup. the facial result of transition is usually more along the lines of "you, but softer" – which is still very nice and a marked difference, but almost nobody transitions into looking like faceapp says they will, because it sets unrealistic expectations.

[-] Vibi 5 points 2 days ago

It will obviously vary, but I've been on HRT for a little over a year and started it late-ish (in my early 30s). I personally can say my face has femminized a fair amount - obviously my bone structure hasn't changed, but my eyes are slightly wider and softer, cheeks a bit fuller with fat sitting in a different place, skin GLOWS. There's obviously features that I would love to see change more/at all, but I'm much happier looking at myself in the mirror and in photos 🩷 I've also been getting laser hair removal for my facial hair along with other parts of my body. My friends and people I see occasionally for errands often have incredibly kind things to say about the changes they've been seeing over the year.

I did try one of those apps a few times and things didn't necessarily click for me since they kind of added makeup over my face. I personally want to be happy with my face without makeup, so I didn't feel they were showing a version of myself I wanted to see.

[-] oftheair 5 points 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago)

Yes, we were including face in body, apologies. Hair can improve, however from our understanding it requires HRT for seven years to fully recover from the effects of T. Our face hasn't changed much we think, sadly, unlike a lot of trans femmes but our hair being longer helps there.

[-] captainjaneway 2 points 2 days ago
[-] oftheair 2 points 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago)

Yes, we think we are an odd case as most trans femmes we have seen we think look more femme than us/the body. However, we haven't exactly kept pictures over time as we both do not think to, and always found pictures of the body displeasing except for when we were really trying to look good. That is changing somewhat but most of the time we don't like it, or just don't recognise it.

[-] lapis 1 points 5 hours ago

most trans femmes we have seen we think look more femme than us/the body.

that's likely an effect of dysphoria, friend.

[-] oftheair 1 points 3 hours ago

Hmm, maybe. However, we have noticed their face fat shifted and became more conventionally femme, whereas ours hasn't from what we can tell.

Our boobs have also not gotten as big as most trans femmes who post their stuff online, sadly. Not sure if it is because we messed up and took progesterone too early or what, but they aren't that big and aren't a good shape ioo, not round emough, slightly triangular.

[-] Schumus@lemmy.world 7 points 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago)

When i started HRT my doc asked If i wanted to freeze sperm incase i wanted to have children one day, maybe thats an Option?

Btw: Love your Username ❤️

[-] ncc21166 6 points 2 days ago

Kathryn Janeway would go heft a phaser compression rifle, shoot down the FaceApp intruder, then go see her friendly neighborhood EMH about a hypospray full of estrogen. And maybe consider freezing materials for IVF later on.

Seriously though, those things lead you down the path of unrealistic expectations. Enjoy the journey to your own femininity. It's different for all of us, and no less valid because some awful "AI" code doesn't match up to the face you end up with.

[-] captainjaneway 1 points 2 days ago

Lol yes, she would. I am considering freezing materials for IVF for sure!

[-] recursive_recursion 16 points 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago)

What you're experiencing sounds similar to:

Personally I don't use beautify/face-gen apps as I had a terrible experience on Insta and Facebook where I was glued to my feeds because I was depressed about my current state of life.

While I can't say for certain what's the best for you, what I can suggest however is to talk about about how you feel with your wife and perhaps with your close friends and anyone else you can trust as it seems like you want more encouragement to be able to perservere as you transition.

Either way from me to you:
YOU GOT THIS!✊✊

Even though you currently don't look as how you wish at the moment, you've got a great wife whose one of your greatest supports and you've got a great starting plan for getting there!🌻🍀✨

[-] captainjaneway 9 points 2 days ago

That's a good point. I have therapy on Friday and I've been bottling up a lot of those feelings for that. But I'm going to bring it up to my wife. We've sort of bridged the emotional gap to the point that I think she's comfortable affirming me without feeling concerned about the whole thing.

[-] recursive_recursion 6 points 2 days ago

But I'm going to bring it up to my wife. We've sort of bridged the emotional gap to the point that I think she's comfortable affirming me without feeling concerned about the whole thing.

Totally fair🤗🌻

[-] Zero22xx 5 points 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago)

Despite all of the warnings here, I'm now super tempted to check this FaceApp thing out myself..

Edit: Oh. It's one of these apps that has 90% of the features locked behind a 'pro' badge. And is subscription based, not a once off payment. No thanks.

[-] pooberbee@lemmy.ml 3 points 2 days ago

I've played with the app a bit. The gender setting does a lot of subtle stuff like changing your face shape ever-so-slightly. I think it's kind of worth trying both directions, just to see how it will try and make you more conventionally attractive. Masc me was very rugged and had a very good beard, and femme me had bigger eyes, smoother skin, and pinker lips. It's uncanny and freaky, but it gave me a better perspective on what the app is actually doing. The positive side is that it's helped me think about how to do hair, makeup, and eyebrows.

[-] Zero22xx 1 points 2 days ago

That's a good tip about checking it out both ways just to keep your sense of perspective and reality. What I'm hearing is that it has its uses and could be fun, as long as you keep your wits about you and don't fall too much in love with what you see and end up with unrealistic expectations.

this post was submitted on 12 May 2025
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