Actually, I’m not black. I’m not white. I’m nothing. No one fucking wants me to be anything. I’m not black enough to do this or say that. I’m not white enough to be here to be there. You’re not black why are you saying that? You’re not black why are you doing that? Can I say the n word? You’re not even black you can’t say it.
But then when I do express my feelings ima pussy. Im a big black man so I can’t be scared or worried or anything like that.
With that regard, people are fucking stupid. You can’t tell how someone feels or reacts to what you say by their energy and body language? But you’re right. It’s my fault for not speaking up when I was getting picked on.
Well Tyler if you don’t speak your emotions then people will never know what you think and how you feel. And if they don’t know that then how could they ever know you got your feelings hurt?
I’m sure if these do get seen I’m going to be thought of as crazy and prolly misunderstood.
Well actually I am. I’m encouraged to speak my mind. They want my unfiltered thoughts and opinions so that way they know what needs to be molded.
Why are you quiet Tyler, what’s on your mind? Do you actually wanna know or are you just trying to get a leak in my mind for control purposes? He’s quiet he must be thinking something bad about our recent interaction. I’m not allowed to speak my mind.
You said you wanted A to have an emotionally mature father. Idt I’m that. I can’t handle my emotions, my emotions handle me. Idk how to express them, and when I do express them I’m told that’s not right, or just change slightly just a lil bit. How I express my emotions has never been right. Now I need to adjust them so everyone else is comfortable. I’m not allowed to express in any other manner. I need to be polite when I express. Follow the guidelines. Do as I’m told. If I express too much or not enough that’s not good.
You said earlier you get triggered when I say I’m going to bag something up and throw it away later. I gave you thoughtful heartfelt gifts and you never used them. I hate gift giving and I stressed myself out trying to make you happy with my gift giving thought process and whatd you do ? You forgot about em. Never used em. For weeks they were in a pile of forgotten shit on the table that you or we were supposed to get to. But I’m the asshole because I took care of the issue. After they spent weeks on the table they spent weeks in the garage. Once I cleared the table you also said thank god, you were thinking about burning the whole pile. The pile of gifts which I got you. You like the idea of getting gifts but you don’t like using them. At least not from me with my shotty fucking gifts. Stupid me. I should just get you jewelry. But you don’t even wear that! But it’s my fault. My expectations are weird. Why would I expect someone to use a gift I got them? I’m fucking retarded.
I guess now I kinda understand why rich people do dumb things. You can have it all but if you don’t have that 1 thing you need/want it’ll drive you crazy to the point where you need to murder yourself.
I wish I could talk about it more. But I don’t wanna be a burden. Everyone has something else going on, why would they take the time for me ? Oh now you want to be friendly and you actually want to actively listen to me? Now you’re not going to interrupt me? All I had to do was tell you I’m going to kill my self? Where was this before?
When I’m negative I intentionally seek out negative energy. Maybe I do that when I’m positive as well.
Delicious energy!
Ima Menance. I destroy love from within. I pretend to be alright and happy to lure those close to me. Then I sap up all their energy as I use it for my own! Once their energy dwindles and they have caught on to my plan I play victim and move on to the next t human.
But S said it right, I can’t separate my emotions from my actions, so that puts her and everyone around me in danger.
In disgusted that I’m prioritizing myself instead of her.
I miss my baby girl already.
I will be able to watch B and A grow from the sky.
I hope reincarnation isn’t real. Fuck al this.
My burden will be lifted.
I’m excited to die.
No one cares about me as much as I do. And I don’t give a fuck about myself.
I’ve been ignored and interrupted by everyone in my life’s
My brother used to ignore me on purpose.
I asked my mom once after an argument when I was younger if she still loved me and she said not right now.
my dad used to always say stop feeling sorry for yourself, no one else does.
I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I ha tent self I hate myself I hate myself
I feel guilty
In disgusting stupid and worthless.
Even now when I laugh hard they come for me. Crabs in a bucket.
There is so much negative energy. When I was young they attacked my smile and joy.
I’m not a man. I’m not a good human. I don’t have a good soul. I’m not a good puppy parent. I’m not a good dad. I’m a shit husband. I bring grief and destruction everywhere I go. I’m a waste of space. People are mean. We kill everything.
This week I die. I’m waiting for a part to come in so i can hook it up to my nitrogen. I’m using nitrogen because it’s apparently painless.
Yet here they are, these people with nothing, living for everything. They still find a way to move on and live with their lives. But I cannot. Loving more days sounds exhausting.
In sitting in the car next to this library where all the homeless people congregate. I feel connected with them. The biggest difference being I have everything and they have nothing. Yet o still feel similar to them. How is it that I have everything they need yet I prolly feel worse than them? If I didn’t have a home, had a fungus, no money, etc, I woulda been killed myself rofl.
I feel ugly. Not in looks, but like in my soul. I feel dirty. Contaminated. If someone does find these maybe they should be posted on a Lemmy suicide site or something like that. This could be beneficial for others actually looking for help. I’m sure I’m not alone in this feeling. And just know that there are others similar to you may be beneficial to give others some more time.
I’m selfish. I stole time and energy from loved ones. The more I dwell on it the more I feel for you S. I wish was more honest with you earlier. You are the most positive and loving person I know. Keep my decisions as just that, my decisions. There is nothing you could have done or should have done that could have made any different. I was doomed before I met you. Maybe since birth.
I am of no value.
I’m so sad.
I’m so sad. I want someone to see all these texts rofl. I’m definitely bipolar. I used to be so loving I used to love so hard. This world did me in. It hurts. The butterflies in my stomach now have knives.
I did some research. Meaning I typed things in on the internet. I may have a personality disorder or a mental illness. ROFL! Either way I’m not a normal human. I’m not regular. I need pills or treatment to function in this society. It’s time for me to leave. I’m going to kill myself. With no2.
I don’t even understand myself.
I’m a burden
Idt I can love a regular life anymore. I don’t like myself. I’m looking for ways to kill myself. I gravitate towards negativity. I bring others around me down.
Maybe I’m bi polar. Maybe it’s genetics. Maybe it is all me. Maybe I am to blame.
I’m a loser. I don’t bring value to life. My life is so sad.
I wish I could tell everyone that I’m suicideal. I don’t because I don’t want fake sympathy. But I would love for everyone to hear my unfiltered thoughts again. I remember when I was a child I would speak my mind more. Now I’m fucking dumb because my thoughts go contrary to popular opinion so now I am treated as such. Telling people would feel so good. It wouldn’t stop me from killing myself. But it would give better understanding and context.
Suicide is the only way I have any control over my life. Everything else is manipulated and twisted.
Well either way I’m not happy and I’m not having fun. And even if I do separate from S I will be even unhappier and way less fun. So if this is peak life I think I should just fucking kill myself.
Maybe I am just looking for synphaty? Maybe I am like asking for it or something.
It’s because I’ve been fucking manipulated and changed my whole life. But it doesn’t matter. I can tell by that first sentence that I’m going to be ignored and ridiculed for my thoughts.
But Tyler, you say, how can you not understand yourself? You say you’re going to kill yourself because not one u ferstanda you? But if you don’t know yourself then how can anyone else know you? Of course they won’t be able to understand!
I wish I could be understood. But how can anyone understand me if I do t even understand myself?
After this experience I bet it’s definitely better to be with someone who is mentally stable.
Maybe I need a higher dose of those fucking pills. But I’m not happy. And I’m making my wife fucking hate her life. She can do better than me. Maybe not better looking or taller rofl, but he/she will still be better.
It’s because of these fucking feelings. I feel like shit because I’m not me. I’m a walking version of everyone else’s thoughts and ideas. If I share my unique thoughts they spit on me with their eyes. Silly me they say with a smile, you just need a slight adjustment.
If I need to keep changing then maybe I’m not meant for this world? I mean we all agree that humans made their society pretty shit. What’s crazy is I have everything. Hot wife, awesome kid, loads of money, endless free time, but I still wanna fuckin kill myself.
I know what needs to be done but it hurts so much to do it. Everyone is saying I need to change this way and that. Whether it be a lil bit or a lot, I’m the one that needs to change. My whole life I’ve had to change.
Damn, I didn't wanna do this but fuck here it is.
To S! Hey love! You're awesome! This isn't your fault. You didn't contribute to this at all. I was like this before meeting you. I sometimes think of regrets and I don't have many. But one that really sticks out is not telling you I was suicidal earlier. If I did maybe I could have left you out from this mess. TBH I think this decision was inevitable. This world fucking sucks rofl. I wish I could be a better human for Amada. But I'm confident that you'll find a suitable partner for yourself and to care for her. Besides looks and height, what was I bringing to the table? You'll be fine.
I guess I will leave a suicide note….idk where to put it so I’ll just put it here….
I’m not happy and I’m not having fun. If it could be summed up in one sentence, that would be it. It’s no one’s fault. Of course I’ve had negative experiences with plenty people but there is no single experience nor single person responsible for my actions. I always have been and always will be responsible for myself. Everything in my life, positive and negative, is my fault.