This is not a pity party kind of post. I’m trying to be as pragmatic as possible. I don’t think that anyone owes me anything.
I’m working on getting over my unrequited love for my best friend. We talked about it, she said she sees me as a younger sister, and that is more than enough for me. If anything, we are closer now that the truth is out there in the open. We, or at least I, try not to keep secrets from each other.
She left her husband today, and I am proud of her for doing so. This is a first step forward for her to find happiness. She’s recently started talking to this guy, in more than a friendly way, who approached her. She has to reject people somewhat often, as she is such an attractive person with a great personality. In short, she has a lot to offer and I am happy for her for that. I’m starting to resent that.
In contrast, I haven’t been approached by anyone in more than a decade. I knew that when I decided to come out and live my life as I truly am, that my dating pool would shrink considerably, smaller than it already seemed. I’ve shown interest in multiple men, but nothing ever came of it other than a few text messages, or nothing at all. I’m told that I’m so nice, so caring, etc, and that I’ll meet someone, someday. I don’t see it. Perhaps I come across as desperate? I suppose I am.
I do my best to care for myself, but do struggle with Bipolar 2 disorder at times. This is something I am actively working on, and hope to overcome or at least get to a manageable level with support and medicine. Due to humiliations suffered from a group of people whom I thought were friends, there are things I don’t wear/do anymore. It is what it is, I’ve gotten over it, but the damage was done.
I don’t show it, but I crave intimacy. The last time I was intimate with someone, in an emotional, non-sexual way was with my ex-wife, some 15 years ago. I just want someone to come home to. Someone that wants to know me, about my day, my hopes and dreams. That is my dream, which is really more of a nightmare anymore.
I used to beat myself up about this stuff, cry myself to sleep and at my worst, feel suicidal over it. That was years ago. I’ve since then tried to look at things logically. What I see with my eyes is that no one gives me the time of day. I’m never more than the gay/trans friend. No flirty comments, no glances, nothing more than what feels like the pity of friends. There’s someone out there for anyone. I press X to doubt.
My bestie tries to encourage me. She tells me that I will find someone, and that I need to be patient. That 37 is too young to give up on the dating world. The only attention I receive is from horny men who want to fuck me, then move on. I debase myself, on Grindr, in hopes that even just one of them wants to meet up more than once. They ghost me as soon as they get what want; that I’ve fulfilled their fetish fantasy and that is my worth. I truly see my worth now to be a disposable object of desire. I’m sure that I am not the only one. She hates to see me do this to myself, but it is the only way I know how to fulfill my sexual needs. I’m still human after all, I have urges and desires.
I stay home with my 17 year old all the time. He is everything to me, and I just want to be the best parent to him that I can be. I put my needs aside, for the most part, to be sure that he is loved and cared for. His mom has a new boyfriend/husband (I have no idea, I just know that they are together) and they have a 2 year old (Could be older or younger, again I have no idea). She has somewhat moved on with her new family, so I consider myself a single parent now. He sees her every other weekend, if that. He doesn’t have friends that he goes out with, so in a way we are all each other has got. He’ll blossom when he is ready, I know it will happen. The only time I’m not with his is every other weekend when I hangout with my best friend. She is the only person in my life that wants to hang out with me.
This is all to say that I don’t go out really. I don’t have the opportunity to meet very many new people outside of work, where there are several hundred people, and the random person my bestie and I come across. I know this limits my chances of meeting someone, but it is my life. I’d feel guilty leaving my son at home while I went out.
I don’t believe that I am attractive, at all. I pass somewhat, but have given up trying to doll myself up in hopes of receiving attention from someone, anyone. I’m a bit tomboyish, which probably contributes to my unattractiveness.
Over the years, I’ve tried to accept that I will never feel the love of a nice man. I’m not choosy, nor picky, and am willing to give anyone who gives me the time of day a chance. I have a type, but consider that more of a preference rather than a strict archetype of who I want. I’m willing to overlook just about anything, so long as the person cares or otherwise shows interest in me.
I don’t go to the bars, nor use dating apps, for fear of rejection or ridicule. I know I am limiting myself considerably, and am trying to overcome this.
This is quite long winded, I know. I don’t expect anyone to reply, let alone read this. I just want to post this in a place where others also talk to the void. If you did read all of this, thank you.
I’m trying to accept the reality that I will likely never find love. It’s really, really, hard. I’m so fucking lonely.
To lose two is a big oof