Not once but twice this month I've felt particularly my(nb)self to the point of sending my best friend a selfies captioned something like 'feeling gender today'. Only to then have multiple strangers refer to me by my assigned gender during the day. I feel hopeless and like I'll never get to my goal: people not being able to tell what I am/feeling like they have to ask how to refer to me. Like if it were just my voice I'd understand, but it was just my look.
Enby here too, and holy shit is that a mood.
I'm almost 8 months into my transition and I feel like I've hit a wall in terms of my public perception. I get the occasional confused glance but it's always "Sir" when it comes to honorifics.
I mean, I get it. One doesn't normally expect an amab enby with AA-cups to want to keep its villainously-curled moustache. But that's always been an effeminate affectation to me and I get compliments on it almost every time I leave the house. I don't want to have to shave it off and pay for electrolysis just to be seen. >_<
For what it's worth your presentation sounds awesome to me and curled moustaches have always had a somewhat gender ambiguous or nb vibe to me. Like they're beards which read masc but they're curled which reads fem to me.
Well, hecc. I guess I've been talking it up around here for long enough I might as well post it~
I am so glad I got to see this gorgeous mustache!
Do you have to reapply hair wax or something through the day?
Not usually! Any sort of high-hold product can manage it, but the trick is in the application technique. Contrary to the popular image of the moustache-twirling villain, twisting messes up the alignment. You've gotta spike it out straight and then bend it for the curve. 🤓
That is a mighty well behaved 'Stache you have there! My beard/stache resembles Davy Jones from pirates of the Caribbean; unruly groups of curls/coils resembling tentacles. And in literally every color in the rainbow (I combed through it in the shower this morning and snagged a single pure white hair).
I hope that someday you will grace us all with a picture of the legendary villainously-curled mustache
Ugh, that sucks. I feel like there is extra difficulty because I feel a lot of people would try and take a "best guess" of pronouns for enbies instead of out right asking preferences in order to "polite"
Would you say that is something you have experienced?
Ugh yeah. I only get asked about pronouns in leftist spaces where everyone gets asked (which is good don't get me wrong). I wouldn't even mind if people went with their best guess if they don't know any better if it wasn't always my AGAB
winter is over for me which means no more dysphoria hoodie soon aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
its totally fine to wear a hoodie in 90 degree weather
Same :'(
It would be awesome for you to collaborate on Etsy or something on a new line of clothing that you both can enjoy the rest of the year and also bring to the rest of the world
I wish we were all those potatohead toys and could trade the parts we don't want and give them to someone who does
Agreed. I've got enough body hair to adequately outfit like, 4-5 transmasc folks 🤣 and it all grows back inside of 2 weeks...
Oh, and the Jumblies.
Love it. Have a huge gathering and set up a flea market type deal.
"What do you think honey, does this nose compliment my feminine features or should I go with the extra large hips?" 😅
I guess what's got me most down lately isn't the dysphoria per se (although there's plenty of that), but more the fact that between fatigue and executive dysfunction, I can't seem to keep up with any aspect of transitioning that takes effort, which is most of them. Lately I've pretty much just been taking my HRT pills and shaving my face every 3-4 days. It's something, but at this rate it'll be a long time before I can actually make significant progress.
I really feel this as I will go through bouts of low motivation and energy that destroy all my self care routines for a bit. It sucks because the less I take care of myself, the harder it is to even try.
Take it a day at a time sweetie. I recently found out that HRT can and often does make ADHD a lot worse. I know this personally as I'm struggling with increased difficulties concentrating without my medication and I have a FtM friend who wasn't diagnosed before HRT, but is how because his symptoms got a lot worse as well.
These feelings won't last forever and you will find a way out ❤️ hang in there Fey
Thanks, that helps. ❤️
I've actually been wondering about that ADHD angle, but I really didn't want it to be the case. 😬 It would make sense, though.
I guess there's not much to do but, as you say, take it a day at a time and try not to beat myself up any more than the dysphoria already is. I'm not too concerned about maintaining any particular pace or "deadline" for transitioning, it's just frustrating to not be able to chip away at my sources of dysphoria.
Look up "gender dysphoria bible" and go to either the estrogenic or androgenic puberty 101 section. Keep scrolling and you'll find a part on ADHD.
As far as I'm aware, there haven't been any studies around ADHD and trans people. A lot of this is based off what the hormone itself does to dopamine receptors.
Ah, yeah - I failed to provide some missing context: having read that early on is what led me to wonder. I think it also said something about ADHD symptoms potentially decreasing as well if you're lucky, so I've been hoping for that outcome. 😅
Ah, gotcha. GDB was the first and only place I've come across that info as well.
Here's an article that's the closest I could find to the topic. It's about ADHD in cis boys vs cis girls. Some of this is very likely gonna be based on socialization, but some of it could also be biochemical. The article mentions that ADHD symptoms will vary based on menstrual cycle, puberty, etc.
i had my egg crack somewhat recently when i waxed for the first time; it made me very acutely aware of how much i dreaded my body hair (among other things). ended up sending me into a rumination death spiral for about 3 days. i've since recovered and have even bought and wore some femme clothes (which has been awesome), but i really can't help but feel like a man in a dress. it kinda hurts because i know that this isn't something that i would think about another person (or be ashamed of myself if i did) but when it comes to myself it just feels like it's more acceptable to think about what is essentially bigotry towards myself. also having to make appointments is just so ugh, but hrt sounds exciting (but uggggghhhhh)
Congrats on cracking the egg! Freshly shaved legs are just a vibe 😍. I totally feel you on the dysphoria 😭 It helps me label it: okay yeah this is major dysphoria, it sucks, let’s move on brain. It’s still freaking hard though.
But ughhhhhhhhh
Wait, are you me? Girl, know you’re not alone and please be kind to yourself ❤️
thanks for the kind words! i'm quite proud of my province's stance on lgbtq+ issues (we even removed/are removing gendered language from our legislation!) but i was raised by a conservative family in a conservative part of the province, so i was quite bigoted (especially transphobic) for a good chunk of my life. i've worked on it a lot but i would not be surprised if it affects the way i view myself. i'm still not sure what my identity is, i just know that i want to be less of a guy
That’s so cool to be in a place where it’s accepted! Btw sorry for assuming your gender! I’m proud of you that you’re allowing you to discover yourself ❤️ It can be hard to let yourself feel the way you are if you have suppressed your inner self for so long because of the environment you grew up in. It takes time and that’s totally fine! ☺️
You're further along than I am if you're going for a full dress already! I'm on the "skirts and t-shirts" stage. Although that might just be more of a "that's my style" kinda thing. Nerdy/offensive Graphic tees are fun 🙃
Currently wearing a "longer" skirt that goes from hips to about halfway down my calves, soooo comfy.
You got this Hun. That "man in a dress" feeling is something I think all of us transfemmes experience at some point. It's tough because like you said, we would never think that of others, but when you've been told you're a man your whole life, it's hard to rewire that and see your true self.
My advice is to take it a day at a time, one aspect at a time.
Like you, body hair was my most dysphoric aspect and I've always hated it. So once my egg cracked back in October, I shaved everything off and dived into learning how to take care of my skin for the first time in my life. For a couple weeks, this was all I did transition wise but it was such a great foundation for me to build off of!
What started off with shaving off the hair that always destroyed my confidence ended up being the first time I ever did anything for my self. Especially the self care aspect. I now shower more often, use lotion, facial cleansers and even nail oil as I focus on improving my fingernail health. It's helped give me a source of consistent euphoria (as long as I keep up on it) and gave me the confidence to move on to bigger more noticable changes like dressing femme and makeup ❤️
Try and enjoy the small moments of happiness as they come. Enjoy smelling the roses ❤️
I got really off track recently. I had been going to the gym semi-consistently and built some decent muscle, but managed to get into a dysphoria spiral about my hips because I can't fuckin manage to hide them properly in clothes that will allow me to breathe while working out. There's mirrors and people there and so I've been avoiding it again...not good. I want my body fat to redistribute so badly yet won't lose weight. Still can't look at the bottom half of my body in the mirror without feeling disgust and derealization. Also been having some shitty mental health side effects from this ADHD medication I'm on, then I forgot to take it today and feel like a slug. Sigh...
Sounds like a lot is going on in your head. And dealing with side effects from ADHD meds really sucks 😭 Did you just start the medication? Maybe over time your body will adjust :)
Take care dude and know you're a rockstar!
I've started and quit that medication multiple times but keep coming back to it because I can actually do stuff with it. I hope my body will adjust to it.
I think I'm coming down with covid or something which probably made all of it 10x worse. RIP
Im completely distraught anytime after I have to go into the office. I still go as old me there and over time it progressively gets harder and harder. Come back home and start tearing up and it kind of spirals from there. Not sure what to do because it's definitely not a place I can come out at
That sucks. People not seeing you for who you are can be soul-crushing. Is there a chance you can get a different job at a better place?
I'm in a similar situation. The only place I'm not out yet is work and I'm terrified of that inevitability because it's a very male dominated workplace/field.
My therapist mentioned talking to HR in complete confidence before talking to anyone else that way everything is already known and they can help direct me on best approach. Is that maybe something you could do?
My biggest point of dysphoria right now is my face, especially my jawline. Most of the time when I look in the mirror I see elements of masculinity in my face which makes me really dysphoric. Some days though I do see a feminine face, so I guess that's why I keep looking.
Sorry to hear that. I hate that feeling of looking in the mirror and seeing something that "isn't you" exactly. Like my reflection doesn't look like how I feel about myself.
It's a slow process of changes and self acceptance that is painful to bear. But hang in there and keep looking for that beautiful feminine face! She's there, just hiding a little ❤️
General trans community.
Rules:
Follow all blahaj.zone rules
All posts must be trans-related. Other queer-related posts go to c/lgbtq.
Don't post negative, depressing news articles about trans issues unless there is a call to action or a way to help.
Resources:
Best resource: https://github.com/cvyl/awesome-transgender Site with links to resources for just about anything.
Trevor Project: crisis mental health services for LGBTQ people, lots of helpful information and resources: https://www.thetrevorproject.org/
The Gender Dysphoria Bible: useful info on various aspects of gender dysphoria: https://genderdysphoria.fyi/en
StainedGlassWoman: Various useful essays on trans topics: https://stainedglasswoman.substack.com/
Trans resources: https://trans-resources.info/
[USA] Resources for trans people in the South: https://southernequality.org/resources/transinthesouth/#provider-map
[USA] Report discrimination: https://action.aclu.org/legal-intake/report-lgbtqhiv-discrimination
[USA] Keep track on trans legislation and news: https://www.erininthemorning.com/
[GERMANY] Bundesverband Trans: Find medical trans resources: https://www.bundesverband-trans.de/publikationen/leitfaden-fuer-behandlungssuchende/
[GERMANY] Trans DB: Insurance information (may be outdated): https://transdb.de/
[GERMANY] Deutsche Gesellschaft für Transidentität und Intersexualität: They have contact information for their advice centers and some general information for trans and intersex people. They also do activism: dgti.org
*this is a work in progress, and these resources are courtesy of users like you! if you have a resource that helped you out in your trans journey, comment below in the pinned post and I'll add here to pass it on