Trying to have fun with friends on discord just feels hollow now and I'm giving up. I also stupidly reached out to the only "friend" within an hour drive and got excuses again so got to feel bad about that too. It hurts more to be alone in a crowded voice chat and to repeatedly try to get together with friends only to get excuses and never have them try to spend time with you than it hurts to just give up, stop trying, and just suck it the fuck up and accept I'm better off isolated. Fuck. Hate everything about existing more or less and I just want to stop.

Tired. Stuck.

I hit "fuck it" and bought parts for a new gaming rig before any stupid crap jacks up prices. Im overdue for some newer parts (ryzen 3800x and a used 2080 TI thats making noises) anyway. Should have everything by Friday except a new GPU. Hesitent to buy a new GPU because thats a lot.

Edit: Aaaand todays drama has made my mood fucking awful. Need to see about an ADHD evaluation ASAP, hopefully get my shit together sooner rather than later.

Trying to move cause Ive been wanting start hrt but moving out of red hell seems Impossible so

I feel like I'm in the waning days of whatever freedom allowed me to transition, and that I or people like me will end up as genocide statistics in a ravaged world. It's been hard to get up every day.

scared :c

I came out to the one person that matters most, and everything was OK. Like better than OK. What was the point of all that internal torture I put myself through? Finally feel like I can breathe again.

Still think the gods are having a huge laugh at my expense over the timing though.

Good and bad. I seem to be stuck in a "I'm really happy with feminizing HRT, but I'm faking being a woman" brain loop. Having switched to patches I have the fun of titrating up again, so it might just be poor hormone levels making me feel shitty.

Went out the other day in as full girl-mode as I can manage. It was fun, and easily the least dissatisfied I've ever been with my appearance.

Wife is reluctant to use my new name. Which is a bit surprising since she's been supportive so far, so I guess I'll have to try to find out what's bothering her and (gently) explain that this is a big deal, and it's not going to go away.

Ewphoria! An older guy that knows me (but I'm not yet out to) said something that roughly translates to "you look so much like a woman I almost want to feel your ass." Which is, um, a weird thing to say. But kind of validating. So thanks, but no thanks, I guess?

Started seeing a counsellor to help me process stuff. Feels more productive than calling Samaritans again, but it's good they are there, v grateful. Being genderfluid is tiring because one moment I know what I want, clear as day, the next I don't feel it.

It's... not great. I won't lie, I am pretty fucking scared right now. Europe is turning more right wing every day and I feel like it is all going to shit very soon.