[-] pixeltree 2 points 4 hours ago

That used to be me. I very nearly fell down the blackpill incel hole, long before those were terms, back when friendzone memes were all the rage. Two things really stopped that--one was that I was self aware and recognized it was a me problem, not a world problem, and the second was more or less a friend turning me into a brony (it was new at the time and was positivity that I really needed). In the end, learning to think critically and not feast on a diet of easy hate is the reason I'm not a complete dumpster fire excuse for a human being. Hate and anger are junk food for the mind, and while there's nothing wrong with hating something or being angry, it's easy to let them rule you and turn you into an angry, hateful person.

[-] pixeltree 1 points 4 hours ago

That's... A really good idea

Time to redesign my phone case

[-] pixeltree 1 points 8 hours ago
[-] pixeltree 1 points 12 hours ago

I think I know why authoritarian has different connotations, specifically not inherently negative to me--stellaris! When setting up your civilization in stellaris, there are several... factors? you can base them on, each one has an opposite. Materialist vs spiritualist, militarist vs pacifist, xenophobe vs xenophile, and authoritarian vs egalitarian. I'm used to the word in the context of a descriptive spectrum, not inherently good or bad. (Usually bad in the context of irl stuff, that just doesn't seem to be where my mind goes first) Just thought you might find it neat

[-] pixeltree 2 points 12 hours ago
[-] pixeltree 2 points 1 day ago

I wasn't able to get those scripts working at all

[-] pixeltree 9 points 1 day ago* (last edited 1 day ago)

??? I run fedora

Presumptuous much? Why do you have to be so hostile

[-] pixeltree 7 points 1 day ago

You've been part of blahaj zone for quite a while, regardless of your instance--welcome home! I'm also sad about ee, it generally seemed very nice and I'm sorry to see it go.

[-] pixeltree 12 points 1 day ago

Fucking goddamn I'd love to have a replacement to fusion 360 so I never had to touch windows again. FreeCAD is just awful, I keep coming back to it and keeping finding new issues with it. OpenSCAD is cool and useful for simple stuff, but it is not performant in the slightest and the lack of ability to fillet or chamfer edges is insane. Blender is great for 3d modeling but doesn't work well for engineering modeling.

[-] pixeltree 11 points 1 day ago

Sure. Transphobia is straight up not tolerated at all. There is zero room for discussion. It's not something a community on bz can allow, it's ada's mission statement that bz is a safe space for trans people, end of story. That's why I love it and use it. I wouldn't call it censorship heavy, at least not in the aame way ml and the like are. You can criticize and bitch about ada and her actions as much as you want, you won't get silenced. However, I'd still absolutely place it on the authoritarian end of the spectrum compared to a place like dbzero. I call it authoritarian but it's not a negative thing, it's why I use it. It's it done right. Idk maybe I have different connotations for the instance and for the word authoritarian than you/most people, I hope this clears up what I mean

[-] pixeltree 22 points 1 day ago

I didn't think I wanted them till I put a bra under my shirt and saw myself in a mirror

It's ok to not know if you want em and it's ok to not want em, you'll figure it out eventually

[-] pixeltree 27 points 1 day ago

Lemmy.world -- biggest, defaultest instance. All the pros and cons associated with that

Lemmy.ml -- very authoritarian leftist instance. Has a tankie problem but also has cool communists. Has heavy censorship

Lemmy.blahaj.zone -- trans focused, very queer, authoritarian by nature of being a trans safe space. Generally chiller but contradictorily also the center of a lot of drama, because people love to hate trans safe apaces.

dbzero -- don't remember the actual domain, run by dbZ. Anarchist democracy instance, very cool and chill, it's what I'd sign up on if I started afresh

sh.itjust.works -- tbh don't know much about them but pretty straightforward, is what the label aays, it just works

Hexbear -- wver wanted to see a aerver that unironically loves the chinese communist party and thinks north korea is aspirational? There you go

pawb.social -- I think this might be am mbin instance instead of a lemmy instance but I'm not sure. Can be summarized as " the furry one"

lemmynsfw -- the porn one. Most instances are defederated feom it

Those are the ones foremost in my mind. Tons of small European ones that are focused on specific countries too. I anticipate replies giving me shit for uttering the word "tankie".

48
submitted 4 months ago by pixeltree to c/mtf

In it, I was trying to sleep on my couch, miserable and hating myself, when I heard someone moving around my apartment. At first, I was worried about an intruder, but that was quickly replaced by gladness. The only person it could be is my one friend who lives within an hour of me. They must have gotten concerned I haven't been on discord or steam in a while and come over to check on me! The door to the apartment building is supposed to lock when it closes but it sticks open half the time and I don't bother locking my apartment door half the time as well so that's definitely it. Suddenly, there's a gunshot, and I feel the impact in my abdomen. I'm too shocked to do or say anything and after a second or two, the rest of the magazine follows into my chest. For a instant, I panic. A flash of betrayal, a million thoughts about how I can stop the bleeding, how much it's going to hurt, am I going to survive. Then, I realize that I'm a dumbass. I shouldn't (and with this realization, don't) feel betrayed, I want this. I've wanted this for so long. I can finally let go. I don't need the panic, I don't need to think about how to survive, I can just be calm and let go. She's better than being the only friend to check in on me, she's the only friend who was willing to put me out of my misery. I hugged my stuffed animals tighter, relaxed, woke up, and freaked out a bit.

Not over the passive suicidal ideation thing, that's just reality for me and while living through it in a dream really makes you confront it, it's just... normal at this point. It was just an awful lot of emotions all at once when I'm number than I've been in a while, which is saying something. I got up, checked whether my door was locked (it was), had a cup of tea, and went back to sleep on the couch again.

I wish there was a moral or pleasant conclusion to this, I wish I could be like "and I that moment I realized I really wanted to live!" but there isn't. I'm just to be bringing more negativity and worry into the lives of those reading this. Sorry. This doesn't even really belong here but I can't think of a place it does and I feel compelled to tell the story.

134
Peanut farm rule (lemmy.blahaj.zone)
submitted 4 months ago by pixeltree to c/onehundredninetysix
25
submitted 7 months ago by pixeltree to c/depression_now@lemmy.world

I'm always the one trying to put stuff together and nothing ever ends up happening. It's clear I matter a lot less to everyone than they matter to me and that hurts. I really really wish that giving up on having people in my life would stop me from craving social interaction.

Mentioned feeling suicidal to the wrong friend and he freaked out and gave me the classically unhelpful/actively harmful pep talk and advice without ever trying to fucking understand and it makes me feel so fucking invisible. Like, people only care about me when I impact them by upsetting them at the thought of me harming myself. They don't actually care, they just want to make themselves feel better, so I get the "be better, I don't want to hear about you being suicidal anymore" talk so they can put my mental illness in the "done" pile and go back to not thinking about me. I do have a couple friends who will actually listen and empathize and understand, but there's only so much you can lay on someone before it drives them away.

I'm going to delete or abandon this account soon. Trying to be social on Lemmy kind of is worse than having no social interaction at all, the internet in general but more specifically this corner of it is just filled with arguments and negativity and I end up dreading seeing inbox notifications. So, if I stop posting, I'm probably still around, not that anyone's checking

135
submitted 8 months ago by pixeltree to c/femcelmemes
203
Wuff :3 (lemmy.blahaj.zone)
submitted 8 months ago by pixeltree to c/femcelmemes
235
This post hit me like a bus (lemmy.blahaj.zone)
submitted 8 months ago* (last edited 8 months ago) by pixeltree to c/femcelmemes

Shame I can't get hit by an actual bus

25
submitted 8 months ago* (last edited 8 months ago) by pixeltree to c/depression_now@lemmy.world

I'm so tired. Why bother struggling to find insurance that lets me continue with my therapist. Why bother finding insurance at all. Why bother look for a job. Why put so much effort into a life I'm so tired of living? I know things won't improve. That they can't improve, really. Sometimes it might feel like things are better, but circumstances haven't changed, it's just the drugs making it not feel like it matters. I've given up on all these things that other people take for granted, and yet it still hurts to think about how I'll never get there. I'm so tired of it, and I don't see any way it ever changes. I just don't want to continue on. Why do people have to care about me? If they didn't, then I could just leave and not hurt them. Why isn't acceptable for me to just say "actually, nah, life isn't for me, see you never" and fucking die?

I'm pretty sure suicide's inevitable. At some point, I'm just not going to care enough about the guilt and go through with it, it's more just a matter of when that'll be. Makes me sad my online friends won't know for sure, but they'll probably guess after a few weeks of being offline. At least I don't have to worry about leaving work on short notice.

34
submitted 9 months ago* (last edited 9 months ago) by pixeltree to c/mtf

Hey all, as I've been thinking about who I want to be and how I want to transition, I've gotten to wondering about people's transition timelines in general. If it's something you're comfortable talking about, how long did it take you from realizing your trans to taking steps to transition? When did you start using different pronouns, when did you come out to people, how long did it take you to know you wanted HRT and then to start it?

I realized I wasn't cis a few months ago, and have been growing my hair out and experimenting with clothing. I know I want to get permanent facial hair removal, and am interested in HRT but have reservations, and would value hearing others experiences about how long it took them to know what they wanted. I'm a very hesitant and self-doubtful person in general, and I guess just feel a bit lost in how to go about self discovery here.

Editing to say thank you very much all for sharing, seeing how different everyone's experiences can be is honestly really comforting.

45
submitted 9 months ago* (last edited 5 months ago) by pixeltree to c/depression_now@lemmy.world

When I can't find another and run out of savings in a few months, that's when Ill kill myself.

Honestly did a bit of a trial run last night, fastened a bag over my head and snuggled my stuffed animals on the couch to see what it would be like. It's definitely something I can go through with if/when it comes to it. Taking other steps to make life less unbearable first, hence the title. I don't really see my life ending any other way though tbh, just more of a question of when. If I'm lucky, it'll be when the climate change induced famine prices me out of being able to eat and I chose not to starve. Anyways, sorry for making you read this. Fuck.

Edit: should have killed myself

16
submitted 10 months ago by pixeltree to c/tomswifty@midwest.social
465
submitted 1 year ago by pixeltree to c/196
289
Butt full, head empty (lemmy.blahaj.zone)
submitted 1 year ago by pixeltree to c/femcelmemes
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pixeltree

joined 2 years ago