(First time posting here, hi you cuties ^^/)

For context, I am 18 MtF but don’t have any medication yet because of the local healthcare system. To add to that, while I am in therapy, I’m afraid to talk to my therapist about this because I will need a confirmation from him that says that I can have HRT to actually get HRT. This puts me into this weird place where I very much should talk to my therapist about it but also shouldn’t because it might hinder me from getting hormones (I hate this system). Of course, I don’t want to replace my therapist with you, I just want some of your thoughts and experiences with this.

Long story short, pretty much everyone I’ve ever heard talk about this has always said that there is a difference between attraction and gender envy. The only issue is, this line doesn’t really exist for me.

If I think someone is cute, I can never really differentiate between the feeling of “I wish I was this cute” or “I wish they would hug me / I could hug them”. What makes all of this even more complicated is that I am very much unsure about my sexuality. Since the thought of sexual interactions actually kinda disgust me, I guess I’m ace? But then again, I also kinda feel an attraction to more feminine presenting people? Yet I am also open for any other, or no gender at all? And more importantly, is this feeling of wanting to be someone I think is cute just from me hating myself? Does that mean that I’m not trans? And why are other trans people saying that there is a difference?

Does anyone of you also struggle to find this line between attraction and gender envy? If yes, what does this feel for you? And if no, what are your thoughts on this?

PS.: You shouldn’t feel the need to validate me. The last thing I want is to be stuck in some sort of echo-chamber. If what you read, makes you think I’m not trans then please please please tell me so.

[CW?: supportive family member]

Hii girls! Omg I just had an amazing experience with my mom and I needed to share. My mom and I have been chatting about online shopping and my mom had just bought some dress and a maxi skirt. She showed me both and I said they both look cute and how she had such a good taste.

Then she explained the dress didn’t really fit her well and then I noticed she hesitated to ask me something. And I was like mommm what’s up and she asks me if I wanted to try the dress. I said yes!! Omg and girls the dress looked so unexpectedly great on me I almost cried. I needed a hug and told my mom this made me so happy. She was like: ooohh but then it’s so clear to me now. It’s so clear. 🥰 She told my I could have the dress 😊 Then she pulled out other dresses for me to try.

I told her it was so great to have our first “mother daughter”-moment and we both had tears in our eyes of happiness. That’s allll! Sending you all my love ❤️

Not LGBTQ+, but saw this and thought it may help some folks. Will take it down if it isn't!

CW: imposter syndrome, depression, passing mention of prior religion.

This turned into a novel, sorry. I don't have anyone trans to talk to IRL and I just... Needed to say it.

TL;DR, I was exploring my identity a bit and ended up swinging a golf club straight through the center of my egg last night by reading the gender dysphoria bible. Now I have no idea what to do and am alternatingly filled with huge buckets of fear and joy. Advice from transfem people or validation from anyone would be really wonderful.

I finally got to a very stable place in life at 33, and started a journey of self-exploration with a therapist to sort through the last 17 years of depression, escalating introversion, and extremely low energy for anything outside of the house.

After a lot of talk about a lot of other things, I allowed myself to step out of this safe and sturdy mental construct that I built for a time in my life that I needed it, and opened myself up to being someone other than the person that I always thought that I had to be.

Among other mostly smaller shifts, I ended up on a gradual slide from "maybe part of my identity is enby? Is that a thing? Enby-sometimes?" To "oh, no, that part of me is definitely female" to "oh, uh, the more I leave the rigid fenced-in built-for-survival part of my mind, the more parts of myself I find that feel this way".

I always wished I was a girl, but my mind refused to cross to the idea that maybe I am one. But I opened my mind a little. My wife gave me an old skirt to try to see how it made me feel. I was a little scared because I knew I really wanted this. I waited until midnight, slipped out of bed, put it on and just sat down in my closet. And just wearing it, just sitting down in the closet for an hour, was the most fulfilling experience I can remember in my life. It felt spiritual, somehow it felt whole. I cried and smiled and just felt my heart and my legs until I couldn't stay awake any more. I held that memory in my head for days, replaying it over and over and just lived in that feeling in my head.

I bought a few more skirts online, and wore them around my spouse. We went out of town for a long weekend and I just wore them inside the room with her, and basked in the feeling of feeling feminine while I sat on the couch or played board games. Even outside of those moments, I started to feel better, and realized how bad my head had gotten beneath the surface as I started to have better feelings to compare it to. My wife took me shopping for some other female clothes. I almost died from shyness. Then I went home and held them and wore them and my entire world felt so much brighter. Mirrors feel bad, but I feel happy without them.

So of course, the completely logical conclusion that I reached was that there was this feminine part of me that I needed to make room for, off to the side of the rest of the "me" in my head. Yeah. Totally just a wonderful hidden aspect of personality to welcome in. Not trans here, haha. I don't have bad conscious dysphoria about my body, and I only always WISHED I was a woman, that didn't mean I AM one, I can't count as a real trans person, I'll just have this nice little ball of sunshine in my life over to the side to enjoy when I can. Like I found a new book to obsess over, just a few thousand times more amazing. And more fulfil- wait, no need to disrupt my thoughts or reconsider anything at all, haha. I'll just enjoy the moment, that's all.

Then I remembered seeing a reference to the gender dysphoria bible somewhere here on Lemmy, and thought I would look it up. I read through it expecting to learn a bit about how to explore or understand that feminine aspect, maybe how to bring it out a little bit since it makes me so happy. Instead, I got the uncomfortable feeling that the author had lived inside my bones for 30 years, told me my own story back to myself better than I could have told it, and pointed out that all of those data points make a constellation that screams "you are trans" so completely that I cannot possibly un-see it. Egg: kaboom.

Since then, SO MANY pieces kept falling into place, one after another. I had "no true scottsman'd" myself my entire life - with a sheltered christian homeschool upbringing, being a woman just wasn't in the list of options I thought existed for me, so absolutely everything was somehow included in a box labeled "totally fine for an admittedly abnormal man to feel" and now I suddenly realized that maybe always wishing I was born as a woman, always relating better to women, only ever having close female friendships, frequent fantasies about being reborn/reincarnated as a woman, and preferring a thousand sociatally-female things weren't just quirks in a totally-a-man's personality. This wasn't some side aspect, it is a lens that finally makes everything fit, rather than feeling like kludged-together random parts of human.

I read about gender euphoria, I read about biochemical dysphoria and realized I checked off every box in the "depersonalization" section, I read a lot of signs in the following chapters that felt uncomfortably like they were written specifically about me, I read about Managed Dysphoria and thought "oh shit", then imposter syndrome, and the Am I Trans page. I followed half a dozen links from the pages and some of them further. And I was left feeling SEEN in a way that felt both devastating and somehow whole.

I can't un-know this. I can't explain why this feels like it changes everything, but it does. I have no idea where I want to go in the long term. I still feel like I don't count as a trans woman and it makes me cry. It all just feels like too much, too overwhelming. Everything in my personality and history is recontextualising and it is overwhelming.

How do I process this? What do I like... do... about this sudden knowing? How do I find someone who has walked this path to tell me that what I am experiencing is OK, or to help me start to paint a picture of what I want the future to look like? Every path seems endlessly long and frightening right now. How do I get my euphoria at the possibilities to come back, instead of this fear?

Additional info to help narrow down "what now?" - I am safe to be out at home and in most of the tiny fragments of human community that I still have, if I ever feel comfortable in myself. I'd probably keep most of the people. Transitioning is fincially possible, if this doesn't nix all job prospects forever (tax accounting). I used to have a decent number of friends all across the lgbt rainbow, but moving --> covid --> depressive isolation means I don't any more, only my pan wife and a few cis friends and family members nearby and far away. My wife is extremely supportive of wherever this journey takes me (as long as it is still with her). My depression manifests with an inability to do anything, not in an "active" way, so I am not in physical self-danger. No kids to worry about, but we do have 2 cats, a dog, and a handful of half-dead plants. Family that would judge is already cut off, and those that remain would approve, but may not quite "get it". I often use too many words when writing things down.

I want to get on E but I am scared that when I go to get a job no body will hire me

Week 1/Background -> lemmy.blahaj.zone/post/8767449

Dosage:

4mg Estradiol

100mg Spironolactone

Physical effects:

After two weeks, physical changes are still minimal. My body still feels more relaxed overall, with less tension and back pain. I have been dealing with Covid for the last week, which has run me down and held me back from acomplishing some of the things I wanted to. I am finally getting past it though, and hope for a better week next week.

Mental effects:

Mentally I continue to quickly improve. I feel more aligned both internally and with the world around me. I am sleeping much better, and still having an easier time both falling asleep and getting up. It feel like the world around me is changing, even though I know it's me that is. I feel like I'm the same person in a world that fits me better. Interactions with others feel more genuine, and I'm finding it way easier to reach out and connect with others. I'm finding myself challenging some of my long held beliefs about what my weaknesses are and what I need to feel "ok" in life. I'm finding I'm almost feeling bored with some of my problems, like I've let them hold me back for too long for no real good reason, and it's time for that to change. Being slowed down by Covid has frustrated me quite a bit, I finally want to get more done in life, but physically haven't been able too. I'm looking forward to that changing and focusing on how good it is that I'm feeling motivated enough to be frustrated.

I never believed any of this was possible, yet here I am doing it. Find support, reach out, you are less alone than you think.

Melissa

Hi everyone,

I've been thinking over how to address large amounts of outside engagement disrupting the safety of our community. As Lemmy is a large space that extends well beyond the borders of our community, when posts hit front page we often start getting a lot of engagement on posts by people outside of the transfeminine experience. Often well-meaning people engage here and say things that are insensitive, require OP to further explain themselves and their experiences unrelated to the topic of the post, or disrupt the safety of the space for transfeminine people.

This is a problem that I'm taking seriously. The purpose of this community as I see it is and has always been to provide a safe supportive community to transfeminine people. So with that in mind posters are now allowed to request engagement from specific groups on their post. This can be gender diverse people, trans people with unsupportive parents, trans parents, people who have struggled with addictions, trans people of color, etc.

I've seen a few people make comments on engagement issues lately and so I've decided that this course of action makes the most sense to preserve the safety of the community while still allowing engagement from other people when that engagement is wanted.

How you choose to make this clear is for the moment up to you. You can add a tag in your title, state so explicitly in your title, or write it somewhere in your post (try and do so clearly as I might not have the chance to fully read your post in time).

Moderator action may be taken per your request. I'm choosing to keep a steady eye on how this affects the community and to ensure that it isn't being weaponized against marginalized people within our community. I ask that everyone is patient and expect some adjustment to this new rule. A certain amount of discretion will also be applied on a per incident basis, this is not a rule banning all non-transfems from the community just providing posters a choice with regards to engagement.

This new change has been added to the sidebar and is considered effective immediately.

Feedback on this change would be great. If you think some aspect of this should be changed or you have concerns please let us know.

I know I'm a self hating weirdo but I feel like I should be allowed to feel more cozy in my skin.

A selfie I dislike, and a selfie I can kinda tolorate https://imgur.com/gallery/6R78NUn

Moved up to the "Big City" in October. Today I was fired by a woman with a smile on her face.

My biggest complaints were being isolated from my peers, not having enough work to do, and not receiving feedback on my work performance directly.

I was accused of working outside of scope, not being able to separate my personal feelings from work, and not responding to doctors in a timely fashion. No specific or documented instances of any of these accusations were provided to me.

So now I'm alone, in a way more expensive city, with about the same amount it cost to move here left in the bank.

I think I'm done with healthcare. As a trans person, working inside of it is fucking awful, especially in large hospital organizations. I don't think it helps I graduated from nursing school in 2020.

What now? This was my dream job, at an organization (I thought) had their shit together. It was a nightmare on the inside - no support, no community. Call staff couldn't "handle" trans patients, so we have to call a separate line that might have someone call you back.

I came up with so many ideas, ways to improve, best practices we aren't following. Patients getting dead named and misgendered in charts, at the pharmacy, to their face. Asleep in the OR during surgery.

I've never been more confused about a job ending. I literally said I would do anything, work overtime, adapt my style, learn 6 different specialties, anything I could to help.

They never even listened to me. Why did they bring me all this way just to ignore me?

The worst part, I think, is that I don't know if I will ever really trust another human the same way. I thought this was a safe place where I could talk openly about what was deficient, and how to alleviate that. But I did that, and they didn't want to hear it, and now I'm on my own again.

I really thought we could build something truly special. I guess I'm just disappointed I'll never get a chance to see what that could have been.

Greetings, my fellow gays! Transfem enby here.

I've arrived at the (very early!) point in my transition where I feel like I should do something about my eyebrows. They're comparable to those of the Angry Birds, and I get made fun of because of them when I take off my glasses. They have a thick and dark frame, which follow the shape of my eyebrows and blend in perfectly, which mostly eliminates the finger pointing.

My parents are very supportive of me, thankfully, and offer to get my eyebrows waxed and a new pair of glasses. I've already decided on a frame: big, circular, thin and very gay :3c . However, I'm completely stumped on the style for my eyebrows :(. I'm not sure where I am even meant to start looking for ideas and deciding which one to pick. Might anyone be so kind as to share some advice?

I guess most of us deal with this at some point:

The thought occurred to me, I want to take self-defense classes. So I'm thinking, well those may be segregated by gender, so I'll just join the men's group to avoid making a scene, stirring up tensions. Even though my body, mannerisms, clothing, is indicative of a woman. I don't pass all the time, but I'm getting much closer.

But I was willing to be casually misgendered, to be othered, to accept less than what I'm fighting for every day (recognition, equality), so other people wouldn't feel uncomfortable.

How is that OK?

I feel like it's a common issue for all minorities. Stay out of the way, try to fit in, deny your identity, settle for less. You'll be safe, you'll survive. For what?

Is this the reality I'm risking everything for?

When I vacationed with my partner, I deliberately chose porta-potties and unisex bathrooms. Nobody told me too, I wasn't forced. But what if a "Karen" blew up at me and caused a scene in the women's bathroom? It could ruin my whole day, it could put me in danger...

When do I stop settling for less than my true identity, when do I stop giving in to internalized transphobia?

When do we stop deferring to the hypothetical concerns of other people, and assert our own rights and concerns?

It's funny because transphobes like to portray us all as radical activists who enjoy making scenes and partake in unhinged rants over pronouns or some shit.

Yet every trans person I have ever met is gentle, often frightened as hell, and goes out of their way to avoid triggering the phobes or causing a scene -- even at the expense of intense dysphoria, self-misgendering, accepting discrimination

Mostly? We want to be invisible, ignored, free to live in peace.

I don't want to be the trans woman among men, or the trans woman among women. I simply want to be a woman. Not othered, not segregated, not pitied, not patronized, not accommodated.

I can't control what other people think, but I can control my own thoughts and actions. Maybe we can't achieve equality until we think and act like equals, and refuse to accept anything less.

Yesterday, coming back from my work day,
i put my self in 420 chill mod in the little court, in my residence.
After a shitty day, each one have a "routine" right ?

After a little moment, I heard neighbours.
"i will go home", told to myself, but im so slow #420.

Too late, they are in front of me .
Then their little girl around 4years old with a little surprising face, fast erased and then smiling at me, told me, "Hello Misssssss" with her little face 😊😊 ,

Oh dear, thats passing is enough for me. 🥰
Coming from a child, its pure u know. 🥰

Well, ofc parents were very angry, but i dont care.

And i feel, really sad for this little girl now 😐

Adults are intolerant, and can be transphob,
Not a child, adaptation is really fast for them, for real Oo.

Thanks to you to read me,
To give me the strength to be who i'm,

I hope you can make potential arguments from my story against transphob morons,
That remind me, the fake drama about lecturing child etc. F Them.

I've read more of the gender dysphoria Bible and between thy, my therapist, and some other comments around here, I've finally had a few puzzle pieces finally fit into place and thy finally Feels pretty good. Like, to some extent I've further accepted my transness and just feel more at peace thinking about myself. It's still different and difficult, but to a certain extent, I feel more settled into who I really am and it's kind of nice.

Definitely, I'm still terrified of how my state and nation is going, but, I do feel better about myself internally, and it does feel good.

Summary:

I started on HRT one week ago after lurking in this community for the last year. I am in my late 30s, married, my wife and I have no children.

I wouldn't have made it to this point without all of you, thank you. Hopefully my story can help someone else, even if just a little. I plan to provide updates weekly on how things are going with this.

Background:

I guess I have always known something didn't feel right inside, but I always found something else to blame. I've always felt disconnected from the world around me in some way, like my experience of it wasn't everything it should be. My childhood was very hectic and stressful, I was diagnosed ADHD and medicated at a very young age, my parents divorced and both passed away quite young. There was always something going on that gave me a reason to expect to struggle. I told myself crossdressing was just something I did to relieve some stress, to distance myself from everything else.

For a while, I turned to psychadellics to try to find that connection. I used a lot of LSD and felt what I was looking for. But it was only temporary, and I always knew that. It helped me understand myself more honestly though, and I worked through my earlier issues and found peace with them. I began to realize that my desire to be more feminine wasn't related to any of that though, that while it had helped me to feel better about things when I was struggling, it also just helped me feel better overall. I became more accepting of that side of myself and allowed myself to more deeply explore it. This helped for a while, but I found over time it started feeling hollow. It was becoming obvious to me how much of a part of me it was, but I wasn't sharing that with anyone.

My wife knew it was something I occasionally explored a little. I was always concerned she would find something feminine, and then not believe me if I told her it was mine not another womans. Beyond that, I hadn't mentioned anything about it at all to anyone since I was very young. I was starting to consider talking to her more about it, and then a year ago I got a toothache that changed my life. The pain from it became overwhelming, and somehow that made everything else feel completely insigificant. Before I realized it, I had told her everything. How often I was doing this, and to what extent. That I wasn't sure if I was actually the person I've been telling everyone I was my whole life.

She was stunned, not angry, not happy, but confused. She stayed though, and decided she wants to face this with me. It hasn't been easy and there are still major things to work through, but she is still here supporting me. We started researching things more and I learned what dysphoria is, and how much I deal with and am affected by it. We slowly started sharing this with people important to me, and the ammount of support and acceptance I recieved was incredible. It was also really hard for me to accept. My whole life everyone else was the reason I felt I needed to present as male, now suddenly the obstacle was me. I was forced to realize that the only person who can decide who I am was me, and that I had put it on everyone else to tell me who that was my whole life instead of finding out for myself.

As I talked to people though, I started to realize that no one else had questions about their gender like I did. I expected people to say they had thought about their gender and decided it was right or something, but instead it wasn't even something they had considered. I thought about it constantly though, and always had. As I learned more I also learned more about how much relief some people feel from transitioning. Slowly, that started feeling more like a real possibility. I never felt sure though, there are so many unknowns, a LOT to learn, and I was pretty good at being who everyone else expected me to be already. Eventually, I realized that the only way to find out was to try.

I started looking into HRT, and found that it was way more possible that I had previously expected. I was relieved as I learned that while changes can be drastic over time they are also slow, and if I found early on it didn't feel right there would be little to any permanant effect. I am US based, and learned that Planned Parenthood offers hormone therapy as an "informed consent" option, meaning I didn't need to prove the treatment was needed, only that I understand the risks involved and consent to them. I made an appointment.

I was incredibly nervous about it, but I went. It couldn't have gone better. The staff was very welcoming and supportive, and I felt more accepted and validated than I even had before. We went over my goals with this, and decided to start with 4mg Estradiol and 100mg Spironolactone daily. We talked about methods of administration, and decided on pill form. I had heard injections have been better for some, in their opinion they were seeing little difference in efficacy between the two. I do not know what is accurate there. Blood was drawn for lab work, and a prescription was sent to my local pharmacy. I picked it up, and started taking it that evening.

Dosage:

4mg Estradiol

100mg Spironolactone

Physical effects:

One week in, I am seeing few significant physical changes. Sweating has become more of a full body experience, it used to be more concentrated to areas like my armpits. My nipples feel slightly more sensitive, not bothersome, but I am more aware they exist than usual. Overall though I feel significantly better physically. I was pretty unaware of just how much stress I had been carrying surrounding this, and I feel like I can finally breathe again.

Mental effects:

The mental effects have been more profound. I have experienced an extreme reduction in stress and anxiety. I'm not afraid of everything anymore. I don't know how much of that is placebo, how much is from taking a real step forward in this, and how much is directly from the hormones, but it has been wonderful. My sleep has improved significantly as well. I'm able to go to bed and go to sleep, instead of laying there for hours worried about everything. I am dreaming, I never really did before. I am waking up earlier while feeling more rested than before.

I have noticed a shift in how I experience emotion, like I "feel" it more now throughout my body. I'm finding emotions are triggering memories of great feelings I haven't felt in so long, from when I was very young and wasn't worried about any of this. It's hard to explain, and the words might not even exist to describe it, but I know it feels a lot more right than it used to for me. I was surprised to find that the stimulant I had been taking for my ADHD my entire life immediately felt like it was WAY too much. Before I felt like without it I could barely function, suddenly it felt very intense and overwhelming, I stoped taking it day 3 and have felt more energized and motivated than I ever did on it. I do not recommend adjusting any medications without talking to a medical professional. Social interactions and connections have felt satisfying and fulfilling in a way they never have before. They always seemed to leave me feeling empty before, like there was something more I wanted from them but could never find.

I never believed any of this was possible. Find support, reach out, you are less alone than you think.

Melissa

Hi. In my current situation I feel really held back by essentially everything...

I (18) am a (currently) masculine presenting person who, as a young man, is in a very comfortable position. My father likes me for who I am currently and my friends at school and the teachers there are the same. I am learning IT shit in that school amongst only boys. Unfortunately right now, I do not have female friends irl. I still have contact with some older female friends digitally, and we are doing pretty well, but that's not the same. So now let me actually get to the point.

I feel like I am too comfortable in my current position to do anything. I am accepted too well by the people around me to transition, but I would also not be okay with pulling back with the small social behaviours I have changed (I tend to talk softer and make some totally super totally hilariously funny jokes about being just too manly for this world, isn't that so fuuny!?). I already told my mother and she kinda just took it. She seems supportive, and I feel like she would be okay with me transitioning. Father is a very different story, as he not only tends to laugh at trans people in TV shows but he also refers to me very often as "my son" and envisions my future as some very handsome and very manly man.

So yeah, my current situation is so interesting to me that I talk to myself about it daily for hours at a time and always end up with something along the lines of -well I'm comfortable rn so what?- or -it is what it is-. I keep putting -staying like this-, -actually transitioning- and -pulling back completely- side by side and end up deciding that clearly transitioning is the best option, as I fell awful with myself currently, but also apffff, as if! As if I would want to become a girl! Look at me! I actually am rather handsome, have a bunch of good friends, acceptable connections with father, a somewhat safe career and fairly convincing charisma, why would I want to run the risk of losing any of that? It would be insane!

This next part is about a more adult topic (one might say NSFW), so maybe skip it if you don't feel comfy: ################## For the longest time in my life I was unable to jerk off. I simply couldn't, I'm guessing my thing is just weirdly randomly generated. Even my urologist said "haha, oh well, that looks like quite the surprise package to me". About 3 months ago I found a different method to even do it, but it feels TERRIBLE! How can people be happy with this? I feel terrible before I do it, I feel terrible when I notice the urge, I feel oh so very awful after doing it, having to clean up the most disgusting part of my body and sometimes crying afterwards, knowing that I'll have to do it again to make these ball of mine happy. I am incredibly dysphoric about that part, but I try to distance that very far away from the topic I actually want to adress with this post, even though I know very well that T-Blockers would recude horniness and that it would make me feel better and that I wouldn't have to do the disgusting deed every three days. I have no idea on if this is connected to wanting to be a girl or if this is some other thing (I might be asexual, but really not sure...)

I've been closeted for like 30 years. How tf do I let it out? I'm ready to come out, tell people, finally go live my life, but all I know is the mask. Who is this scared little girl that's hiding in here? How do I go be myself when I don't know who that is? I feel naked and exposed without my masc.

Go experiment? I'm still in that "man in a dress" stage, not sure if I'm going to be able to get HRT, so even looking at myself in the mirror is horrible. I'm trying to lose weight and I'm doing the laser hair removal thing, and those feel great, but

I feel like I missed my life, missed learning how to girl, and now I'm expected to woman? Can I please get some girlhood real quick so I can figure out how to woman? I want to go through the emo phase and the punk phase and maybe dabble in goth, I want to be cringe, I want to have a sleepover with the girls and do each other's hair and makeup so we can practice.

There's so many things that are gendered. I wore my belt "backward"s today, because I was always taught the "correct" boys way to do it. I feel like I'm drowning in the shallow end of the gender pool.

If I'm going to do makeup I'm going to have to look at myself in the mirror. If I'm going to do my hair I'm going to have to do something about the balding. If I'm going to change my wardrobe, do I do that now or wait until I lose these 10 kilos?

I pulled the cork and... I guess I thought I was gonna get a genie wish and wake up the next day as a girl. Instead I have to transition, and probably without any HRT. I guess this is the hard part.

Sorry for the ramble, even verbalizing these thoughts, this sentence, is hard. I'm so practiced at keeping it all in that even though it's happening, I don't know how to let it all out.

Exclusive: Esther Ghey says she believes social media use left her daughter vulnerable, while killers were able to access violent content online

Hello everyone! My name is Emma. I’ve been thinking I was gender non conforming for about five years now, but didn’t have the courage to act on my desire until I entered into my current relationship two years ago or so. My partner is queer and very supportive of me. I started to realize how unhappy my perception of my body and gender was; how unhappy I was with others perception of my gender. As a result, I started medical transition about nine months ago. I have desire to change my voice, to have breasts, to reduce the amount of body hair I have. And yet, I don’t really carry myself differently or act much differently than before. I’ve always crossed my legs when I sit and tried to make myself seem smaller than I am because I’ve always hated my height (I’m very very tall).

One thing that definitely has changed is that I’ve gotten more and more dysphoric over the short time I’ve been on hormones. I’ve talked about this with my partner and thought through it myself and believe, to a degree, that this is due to me unpacking pain that I had repressed over time. That the discomfort with my body was always there and I had just always crushed it down to allow myself to function despite it. This came at a cost of worsening depression, anxiety, and insecurity. For example, I never enjoyed shopping for clothes, looking masculine, wearing anything that showed off my body. As a result I never felt comfortable in my clothes or body and hated my appearance. Now though, I love shopping for clothes! At least online anyway, in person stores never have clothes for women my height :p (love you long tall sally!)

But… there’s a devil on my shoulder which says that I’m becoming more dysphoric because I’m not really trans. Because I’m really a man and I’m just lying to myself. I’m just doing this because I never felt I had a space to belong. I’m just appropriating the culture of people I respect and admire. I’m just trying to fit into women’s spaces, take advantage of the kindness of queer people to gain a sense of community where I never had one before. Writing that out, the internalized transphobia is pretty clear, huh?

I think part of my ever increasing feeling of dysphoria is not dressing how I want to and presenting how I want to out of fear of harassment or abuse from others in public. I ride public transit everywhere and see people get harassed daily and don’t want that to be me. So, I dress more masculine out of fear. Because of that masculine presentation, I get scared to use the women’s restrooms at work and find myself hiding in the stalls until all the other people leave before I go wash my hands. Which is dumb, because people at my job are super supportive and kind. Thinking of myself as a woman always feels wrong because I’m not feminine enough, my voice is too low, I’m too tall, I wear more masculine clothes, etc.

So lately I’ve been wracked with insecurity wondering if this was all the right decision for me. I have the same interests and the same depression. Obviously estrogen didn’t cure my mental illness. Transitioning has made some aspects of it worse and some aspects of it more bearable. And the worry that’s always there is whether I’m doing all this for the right reasons. Whether my dysphoria will ever start decreasing in severity rather than increasing. At the same time, the thought of detransitioning is agonizing.

It feels silly looking back now on how I thought transition would cure my mental illness. How I thought going on estrogen would cure my dysphoria. How I thought leaving my home state of Texas and moving to a more progressive state would free my mind and body from transphobia external and internal. There is no magic cure for mental illness or dysphoria. There is no promised land free of transphobia.

Ultimately, I’m doing okay. Im still happier and more comfortable than I was when I thought I was a man. I’m making this post wondering if any of you have/had a similar experience, similar anxieties, or similar doubts to me. How do you cope with your anxiety about transition or insecurity in your identity? How do you deal with stagnant or worsening dysphoria?

Back on February 3rd, I came out to my wife. TLDR, she is amazing and I love her.

We had just settled in with some cocoa for the night after getting the kiddo to sleep. We both knew yo get comfy, since we would be there a while. I told her very directly that I am a transgender woman, and shared some of how that has been exciting, terrifying, and depressing at times, still being in the closet.

There were some tears, which she later told me were on my behalf because she had no idea how I had been hurting. She has persistently reminded me through gestures and words that she loves me, not just as a man she married 6 years ago, but as the person she has come to know.

We are still in the process of talking through what next steps look like, but she has been incredibly open to change and has wanted to understand how I see myself and the world.

She has always been a huge Harry Potter fan. This woman even asked me if it was still okay for her to like Harry Potter. She was ready to leave it behind for me. (Personally, consuming HP media doesn't bother me. Conversation for another time, I'm sure some here would disagree with me)

I am so thankful for her. I also want to thank this community for encouraging me to get to this point. You girls rock ❤️

I just took my first Spiro about an hour ago. I'll be doing my first E injection tonight (after my little one is asleep for the night) and I can not express all of the emotions I have been having over the past few days.

My wife surprised me with an amazing care package which included:

• New pink reusable water bottle to keep me hydrated

-Obligatory cat ears (wearing right now)

-Trans flag socks :D

-Jar of pickles

-Custom trans colored m&Ms with sayings like "you are loved Olivia" "I want to see you be brave" "take your e today!"

-"The Blessed Unrest" vinyl by Sara Bareilles which has been very affirming for me as of late

-A beautiful finger painting my 19mo son made me of a butterfly and the words "and she became a beautiful butterfly"

-Pepper spray to keep me safe

-Super cute girly bandaids to use after my shots.

I balled like a baby. I cried more than I think I ever have before. I am so full of love and gratitude for this woman and her support. For my family. And for myself - for the first time in my life.

Just wanted to share with someone ❤️

I purposely choose a kinda bad selfie, cause honestly this is where I feel my worst but is the most accurate way to access my transition. I've been on HRT since 2022, my levels have been kept at a max of 130 usually around 90 on E, and T is usually around 20. I did switch to injections which so far feels like it's even less effective than pills. (My E level was like 90pg/ml) I'm kinda at a point where I feel like FFS is needed, but I'm unsure what FFS could do for me, what surgeon I would choose etc. I doubt I'll ever have health insurance so I'll likely just need to crowd fund it. https://imgur.com/gallery/p2jmz2u

Click

I was at a store earlier today and the woman checking me out was borderline gushing about my nails and how good they looked and how they were between Mardi Gras and St Patrick's day and matched my (leprechaun suit) shirt and it just felt beyond awesome! 🥰 I saw her braided hair on the way in and wanted to say something, but idk how without coming off as creepy since I was still boymoding and all but...

🥰

Still riding that high 🥹