A couple of weeks ago I pulled out without looking, this is the second time this has happened since I have started driving, a car flipped and ever since than all I get is bad news, nothing has been good. My friends are more distant, I considered sucide a couple of days ago and my friends stopped me. I recently found out I am getting sued on top of everything. I just feel like I deserve bad things and my existance will be pain for as long as I keep walking this earth. I work a souless retail job, and my friends are tired of hearing me complain cause it's easier than their jobs.

cw sucidal thoughts

So I bought a 2007 Prius and it has the break accumulator issue, and combo meter issues, i also can’t verify the hybrid battery has been replaced, its not throwing a code and seems to fully charge via regen breaking the seller said it was but it was done while his mom owned the car and wasn’t done by Toyota, so no carfax record. The seller offered me 2k back for the break issue. So I’m essentially getting this at 1k, runs and drives, cold AC and working heat. I’m just trying decide do I commit to this car. I also unfortunately need a car in the next 4 months.

I still want to die and I feel like my friends who wanted me to get help are better off without me. Today I was sitting on the couch venting about some car related stuff, than how I was anxious about not getting a job in our new city, than without warning everyone leaves I feel like they got tired of me venting and just left. If I ask they will deny it but I know I’m a burden and I really wouldn’t blame them if they kicked me out if I went to the phycward and lost job. I feel like they don’t want me to die but also don’t know they are better off without me and I’m mentally abusive cause I vent and I tire people out but no one can say anything cause I’m suicidal.

::: Cw suicide 

I’ve known since I was 14 I was trans, ended up just having to suffer till I was 20, finally started estrogen, but ever since than it’s just be disgust and disappointment, I realize my body is just gross and repulsive regardless, like my genetics are just cursed. On top of that I have to same usual dead end job, I’m consider the goofy, unattractive person in every single group. I hate it. Outside of people who feel bad for me everyone avoids me cause I’m socially awkward. On top of not even being able to afford my bills I’ve never had an actual relationship. I’m an ugly degenerate loser by every single metric. I think at 23 my best bet is to pull out my credit card, do some research into a common pistol and its uses, walk into an academy,  an tell them which gun I want and for common use etc, than go that parking lot I picked outside of town and pull the trigger. I picked it specifically cause it’s empty, no one but first responders will find me. I just feel so horrible but I’ve been in pain so long I honestly feel :::

It is less than a week till Christmas and I still have not gotten anything ordered or anything, I have felt depressed and low energy these pasts couple of months, I cannot even keep up with my house chores which angers my roommates. I don't think they want to hear about my mental health anymore, I think they are gonna be very upset when they bought me thing and I got nothing or just offered cash since I really have no energy to shop for them and I have no idea what to get and this has been a major cause of stress these past couple of weeks on top of non stop work, with only one day off in between. I just feel like I am crashing out and wondering if I should just move out and be homeless since I cannot really be the best roommate right now

I feel like the world has placed an challenge on my shoulders I cannot and will not overcome, from a young age I’ve been considered unattractive, people treated me as if I wasn’t human, people used to use tissue paper to hand me things, make faces at me and treat me as if I was sick. On top of this I have abused by my father, when I was 14 I realized I was a women and thought hrt would fix me if I just held out long enough to start it, unfortunately after 3 years hrt, a year on injections many elements of myself are horrible, the only difference is I get the same treatment mixed in with transphobia, i feel like the only reasonable conclusion I can come to is death. I’m sorry I feel like the world wanted me to prove you don’t have to be attractive to be trans. Unfortunately that weight has proved way to much, I’m sorry to my friends I know they tried and tried, but I know normal people can only do much. I’m sorry to society, I know my life was supposed be some learning lessons but fuck I’m a human bein

I feel like in a lot of my interactions I end up being viewed as a child, one of what I would consider my closest friends, legitimately views me as child to the extent where there are boundries people my age cross that I never have, I’m left in the dark regarding a lot. Even down to conversation being had about me that I’m not involved in, I just feel odd when another 23 year old knows who I believe isn’t closer to her than me knows about things I don’t know. I know I’m likely wrong and maybe I’m not as close as I thought but I just feel like it’s giving” the adults are talking” It’s also she will state that she loves me and cares about so much. I just get the vibe I’m a child.

This kinda contaminates most of my other friendships where people will distance themselves from me thinking I’m some sort of creepy child. I just don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I hate myself

So Xfinity was refusing to unlock my device on the basis I was not the first account holder to own the device, I eventually looked into it and the fcc states it should of been unlocked within 60 days of being paid off, and furthermore and that the restriction of me not being the original account holder didn’t seem to be defined by the FCC. I decided to do an FCC complaint and two days later got a call back from Xfinity where they unlocked the phone since it was on my Xfinity account. I have been using the phone with visible but I’m kinda worried could they reverse the unlock in the future?