See title. I'm trying to do training at home, and found this https://youtu.be/-x5B8F9ubdc (KetchBeauty). Are these good? Or would running help more?

I mostly aim to train my stomach to be flatter and to show more muscle, as well as wider hips. I've been taking E fot 11 months and that's doing good work, but still, I feel the E effects are not strong (I'm using spray).

I think I'll go for femfitmaxxing (/j). I'm told that my fat distribution changes are mostly hormonal and that doing exercise will mainly affect the muscle, not the fat. Is this correct?

I’m about to take some myself in the next couple of weeks and would like to know the changes you’ve experienced upon taking them, what type you take, how long for, when you noticed a difference and what… etc

I have seen people’s posts but want to hear first hand if possible to really get an idea.

Thank you!

Edit. It’s 2am. Just placed an order finally! Let’s see if it comes and works …

Gendergp is too expensive And I’m feeling desperate and impatient

(Not sure if this is allowed here but need some help/support)

Update 2/ getting a blood test tomorrow which includes hormone testing…thank you for your comments and help :) Update/ just about to go for a GP appointment regarding “early menopause”. If anyone has any advice on what I can say to help my case I’d appreciate it. Thanks.

ETA- I’m in the UK. Anyone have any info or advice is welcomed. Edit 2- I just asked my GP about getting my hormones tested…waiting on their response e3- also my dad made a comment saying I look trans a couple yrs ago and he’s not wrong tbh. It’s so hard not comparing myself to my sisters especially and other women in my family.

I don’t feel like a natural woman. Like the Portishead song “I just wanna be a woman”…

I just wanna feel like the the other women in my family and the gender I was assigned at birth but I just feel like the grinch. I literally feel like my body is all wrong and I can’t just “accept” it and be grateful.

Mtf (in my case, masc to femme) I probably have hormonal imbalances or something. My life is awful. If y’all can take it at the ages you do, I feel like I should be allowed to at 23…

Euthanasia is on the cards atp…I just wanna stop feeling worthless

This is more of a rant/vent about quite a lot of shit that Im going through right now and I thought this is the best place suited for this, so be warned its going to be a long post. I am also going to mix Depression/Dysphoria and not write of them seperately, since its usually a mixture of the rest of my depression and Dysphoria about feeling like a fucking guy that makes my live to hell. While they are seperate things they usually come together to haunt me, so I will call it just Depression or Dysphoria, so keep in mind its always a mix of both.

So, a lot of you probably have read my previous posts regarding the problem I have with my parents. All of this shit has triggered quite a lot of depression and also panic attacks. Since new year I can probably count on one hand how often I have been visiting lectures at university. I have/had days, where something as simple as having people around me while eating lunch (probably like 30 minutes in total) causes me to literally lie in bed for 2h staring at my closed eyelids being unable to get myself to do anything, wishing I would simply stop existing, so my suffering ends. Even if I would like to do something I know that is fun, theres no chance I get the willpower to actually do it. Fulfilling basic human needs like eating turn into quite a chore during my depressed phases.

Most days are not as bad as described above, but Im lucky if I have more than 1-2 days a week, where I am not feeling terrible. The only good thing is, that the depression usually waits till the evening to haunt me, so I still got some time of the day left, where doing something is actually fun. Someone might think "If you're only depressed in the evening but the rest of the day is usually fine, then just go to sleep to sleep through the depression." Well, here comes the next problem. Since I have nothing that forces me out of bed at a resonable time I usually end up staying up quite late (yesterday has been my new negative record with 4am until I went to bed) and then stand up quite late (usually between 10-12 am). Any attempt at fixing my sleep schedule either ends after one day, or just doesnt happen. Even if I tell myself "I am going to bed early today" theres like this inner force that literally stops me from even attempting to go to sleep (and from getting tired, even melatonin doesnt really work that reliable as it did before). Its like if I am scared of sleeping but that doesnt really make sense, since I usually sleep quite well and I dont have nightmares (I usually dont dream anything). That means that I will end up staying all night hoping I can tickle a little bit of dopamine out of my brain-wrinkles hoping that I am not feeling like a complete piece of shit.

This brings me to my next problem: While talking or playing friends with games usually helps to some extent they have something that drags them out of bed early, so they always go to bed before me. Once I am no longer able to do stuff with them this asshole of Depression that has been waiting in the corner the whole time comes back to annoy me. So now is the question: What do you do if you're depressed, cant really sleep (yet), games arent really fun to play (and a lot of other stuff too) and youre friends are all asleep? You guessed it, smoking weed.

A tale as old as time. I was a stoner before depression got to bad, but since new year (after the somewhat breakup with my parents) my consumption has increased rapidly from getting stoned every weekend to almost daily, to combat depression. I know it is dumb and not a permanent solution, but when you have the chance between feeling like shit for the rest of the day and sparking up a joint causing depression to go away in about 10 minutes its quite an easy choice. Weed also allows me to "feel the girl in me". I cant really explain it, but when Im stoned I usually feel much more in touch with her. This causes my habit of getting stoned to become so bad I actively have to force myself to not get stoned and if its just for the sake of doing some form of break, so that my tolerance doesnt get to high, so I can get decently stoned at the night club on the weekend. "But if you cant control yourself, just throw it out", well guess what doesnt really work. If I lock it up somewhere I will simply get it back and if I dont have any weed at all, I will simply buy new weed. Even if its just as a form of "backup" if a day gets to bad I still have weed as a way to become functional again. I have absolutely zero problem with staying sober on days Im not depressed.

The pace at which my mental health is declining is in fact quite worrying and I have fucking no idea, how the fuck I am supposed to stay somewhat functional if this keeps going in the pace it currently does. I am searching for a therapist, but knowing my luck and wait times in Germany I am not expecting to find something anytime soon and this makes me scared. I have no idea where the fuck most of my depression comes from, so I dont know how to counteract it and for those things where I know where it comes from I have no idea how to solve them and just thinking about them makes me feel bad.

Thanks for coming to my TED-Talk.

I was originally wearing a skirt, but one of my dogs kept licking my legs.

TW: Dysphoria

Yesterday, my guy friend sent me a text that I'm still thinking about. I just wanted to vent about it here.

"I went to a recording of a podcast and one of the guests reminded me so much of you. Very similar speaking pattern and mannerisms. It was a comedy show with all autistic people so I guess that adds up."

I should mention that there isn't anything wrong at all with being autistic, but I'm personally not autistic and it gets old after a while constantly being assumed to have a neurodivergent identity I don't. It's also a delicate issue to just assume that about a trans woman due to how often the trans/autism correlation is weaponized. I can be a socially awkward person, especially around strangers, but I've had two therapists and three doctors and I've never been diagnosed with anything other than anxiety, depression, and gender dysphoria.

So far, not too bad, but it gets worse. I politely mentioned to him that I'm not autistic, but it's wild to have seen someone so similar, and then asked about the podcast and who the comedian was. I then click into the video and realize he was talking about a male comedian. I did see, unfortunately, a lot of my pre-transition (or post-transition? I don't want to know) self in this guy, not just in terms of mannerisms and speaking pattern, but also some of the physical traits I was most dysphoric about.

I don't think my friend was genuinely trying to hurt me. It's surreal and cool to see someone new you think looks like someone you know. But he just shouldn't have said anything in this case. I can't shake the question, Is this how my friend sees me? Is this how everyone sees me? We were friends pre-transition, so that's a thing. I've just worked so hard on my appearance and my voice over the past five years, and I thought HRT was working great, but now I'm second-guessing all of it.

I'm not sure what to do. I definitely need some space. I don't know if it's worth it to have a conversation about this, since you can't control how others perceive you. I'm even at the point where I'm considering if I want to remain friends with him.

TL;DR My friend texted me about a podcast featuring someone he thought looked and sounded like me, along with assumptions about trans women and autism. It turned out he was comparing me to a man. I'm feeling dysphoric, questioning all my progress, and unsure if I want to continue being friends with him.

Back to running again.

Edit. I had to change the title, I don’t know how Ready was changed to Traductor.

Petition:

https://www.parliament.qld.gov.au/Work-of-the-Assembly/Petitions/petition-details/4411-26

Disclaimer: I hope that all of this stuff that I typed makes sense, I'm quite stoned while typing this.

Well, so I'm quite new to HRT (now almost 3 Months) and the emotional changes are pretty much kicking in and I really like them so far (guys are pretty cute now too. That shit is wild), but this made me realise how much I would have enjoyed going through this puberty when I was younger. That's also coppeled with how much I hated my puberty, not because of the changes, but because I experienced quite a lot of mobbing. This is like a very big between what I had (getting mobbed as a guy) and what I could have had (girls sleepovers and discussing cute guys and dressing each other up) which makes me hella Dysphoric. I also dont really have that much girls as friends. I have two other trans girls, but it is about a 1,5h ride to them so we barely meet up, and like 1 or 2 people that I can interact with that are girls. However, they are both about 15 years older than me. I also dont really see them that often (sadly). So I Am mostly experiencing my puberty alone or talking about it with friends on discord calls. However, I can't really talk about this while one of the transfem friends is in the call, since she is painfully depressed and not on HRT yet, since she wants her semen to be frozen and the process is a complete disarster and it will only be covered by insurance if its done before HRT. So she always gets hella depressed/Dysphoric when I tell about what HRT is like.

Its kind of a shit situation, but it could be worse.

Alt text: Scene from Kung Fu Panda, depicting Oogwa as relieved, saying "Finally, inner peace". End alt text.

Figured I'd ask a positive question. For me it was the first time I'd put on estrogen. The HUGE relief I felt... and a few months in when I no longer felt I'd needed a breast form.

I saw gals describe their first time on E as seeing everything in a much more vibrant tint, but I didn't experience that. - is that really a thing, or is it more metaphorical? :3

i am two month in and i feel so good! (i remember, that i was publicly desperate a few weeks ago, yes.) let me explain.

food

there is one food item, i ate often during lunch break, that suddenly tastes bitter to me. it's some kind of soy-yoghurt. i didn't love it, it was just convinient, so it's not a big loss.

i feel like i got a little more into food, especially sweets, but that might aswell be seasonal.

mood

i lived with constant, vague depression and anxiety since ... early adolescence? i really noticed that, when i started anti-depressants a few years back. they took the pressure but also my drive. now after a bit more than two months on E, i still get occasional spikes in anxiety, or deep sadness. but i can feel it properly and let it go after a while. i even notice where it's coming from sometimes.

before, some weird thing in the morning could ruin a whole day or multiple. i would have shut in asap and sleept until it'd be gone. the fact that i can now be sad, cry for an hour and share a nice evening with friends after that is pure gold! the permanent anxiety is gone, but i am still actively living my live.

sexuality

don't hate it, but i am severely uninterested since a few weeks on E. it's actually quite nice. had a dream of a person i like, in which they kissed me on the cheek 🤭. even my wildest dreams are now "having a cozy day with friends". that's nice.

body

of course not much has happened yet, but there are a few things. since i started the sport i do (10yrs?) i felt better connected to my body (in terms of movement, balance, and control). i therefore can't say much about feeling more inside my body through hrt, but i got more sensitive to or more aware of touch. that resembles the feeling of when i was on antidepressants. my bed was softer, the cotton sheets more interesting and scratches more ouchy. this goes both ways. but i love how comfy i can get again.

also body hair grows slower and a bit thinner. whee i smell nicer, my skin i softer. my face has become ever so slightly more feminine

other people

i'm not out at work yet, and even outside that, i'm often not trying to present super fem. but the combination of the subtle changes (mostly facial skin?), my new attitude, that's not as disconnected anymore, and the new bodily expression i increasingly allow myself after hatching seemingly work: cis people who don't know me are more frequently a bit confused at first when they expected a mr. something. my roommate asked me some weeks ago if i wore make-up, when i didn't, just been pwetty. and other queer folks who i wasn't out to suddenly asked me, if my name was still up to date.

it's doing the trick. it's getting harder to perceive me as a man. :)

the scary

i lived under the expectation (delusion?) that boobs would take a while to start. i had permanent pain in my breasts after 3 weeks. by now i can even feel a little lump of new tissue that might soon become visible through a t-shirt.

is that fast? i feel it's faster than i hoped for. not because i don't want breast growth, but because i can't imagine how it will look like. and i feel like that's fast. where shall this end?! also, i need to research bras sooner!

all in all it seems like every cell in my body was prepared for estrogen, sad about not getting it and finally having a big party. around 2021 i described my situation to a therapist. i said i felt like i was being addicted, but didn't know to what. i was restlessly searching for stimulation, happiness and rest, but nothing worked. after my egg cracked, this hole in my existence started to fill, E ist filling in the cracks as it seems.

this was the right decision. besides hrt i made progress in my search for the right name. things are moving. i hope someone will find this little report helpful or at least interesting.

voice might be the next step to take? that's weird to me. this feels like putting in efford to play a role. when up until now it was just stopping the act and letting the fruitiness flow. but often enough, i want to play the part and not blow it with my first line. what are your feelings towards voice training?

yours kluczyczka

I'm bald, like George Costanza in season 9 bald. The cheap wigs I've tried look like, well, cheap fake hair. They were also incredibly hot and itchy. At this point I think going around completely shaved or with a bandana as a head wrap looks best, but I still really wish I could present with hair.

I'd like to try a good wig but they're so pricey, and I'm worried that even if it looked good that it would be intolerably uncomfortable to wear all day.

Would anyone recommend trying out quality wigs, or is it just not worth the cost and discomfort?

Really sucked to scroll backwards in my photos like this, I do not like looking at the old ones at ALL lmao. I finally got the motivation to put this little timeline together despite the discomfort though, and I am really proud of how far I have come. One thing that I noticed is I took almost no pictures of myself before 2023, but the number of selfies just exploded after I started transitioning in earnest. I'm not at the end of my journey, but I'm really happy with where I am now <3

I just read this article about beauty standards and while I see the excess of it as harmful I can't help but feel hypocritical when I think about laser or hormones or even putting on eye shadow and mascara, not to mention FFS.

Every time I read a piece on self-acceptance and body-positivity I stop and ask myself - why can't I be happy with my body? For me the dysphoria is mostly social but even then - why can't I just accept my AGAB and live with it? How is changing my body to fit opposing gender norms (so I pass etc) different to gender-affirming procedures for one's AGAB?

Both require the same underlying systems - and my face laser wouldn't be attainable without the massive beauty industry making it affordable by virtue of many cis women using the service.

Similar with hormones. If most postmenopausal women didn't get E prescribed, then it would be prohibitaly expensive (I guess this is a weaker point since hormones are beneficial for health reasons not just beauty) but still my use case is mostly aesthetical (to pass) so that feels even less justified.

It feels as if my transition is only possible because it's either subsidised by an industry I see as harmful or via methods not intended for their initial purpose.

Anyone else struggle with any of this?

I've been watching TransGeneration recently, and it's basically just a reality TV show that caters to perverse cis curiosity about trans folks.

it has so many fucked up moments, but one of the ones I found amusing was when they took footage of Gabbie the trans woman cutting up hot dogs:

Then just to make sure we didn't miss the metaphor they zoom in and really focus on her cutting the hot dogs:

just, lmao

Seriously. It's kinda hitting hard right now.

I guess I've always had body image issues; I think the whole going through male puberty thing does that. But they've really started getting bad this week.

I've kind of gotten past the whole comparing myself to AFAB people thing, because I want to have a realistic mindset about transitioning. I guess that's how I logic'd my way out of this feeling until now.

This is going to sound ridiculous, but I saw a trans woman earlier this week with just an amazing figure. Historically, I'm bisexual; So I have, like, feelings toward women, dude. But instead of any type of attraction, all I felt was a deep sense of never being able to make it to the point where she's gotten. Of never being beautiful.

Which is probably a load of baloney, but what's the difference between never being beautiful and never feeling beautiful?

I'm not in a state where I'm spiraling, but I do feel a little bit like a teenage girl and I'm frustrated that I'm not able to get past this. Obviously, I'm self-critical as hell. Ya'll have any experience/advice you can share?

EDIT: I'm so sorry, I should have prefaced with this. I'm married and I have a super supportive wife who makes me feel loved every day. I'm not like in a super dark place. But that doesn't stop the body image issues. I guess I don't necessarily trust her, or even other people, when they say I look good? This may just need hella therapy.

I took this pic a few months ago (5 months on HRT at the time). I've been too nervous to share it but fuck it, we're here :3 🏳️‍⚧️

Edit: Holy cow, you're all so sweet 😊 Thank you so much for all the love. It means more than I can put into words 🥲

Hello my dears :3

So rn I'm going by Jamie and there's a lot I really like about this name. Its meaning works well (she, who supplants), it's the name of my favorite skater when I was a kid, it does have a nice ring to it.

But when I chose it to play with, I didn't know where my journey would lead to. Now that I do I'm just not sure I like the ambiguity.

That being said, I wonder, how did you all pick your new names? Does it have a special meaning to you? Anything in particular that made you go like "Yes, that's it, that's me!"?

€: Thanks for sharing everyone (and keep going :3)! Definitely some inspiration in there.

Hey wonderful ladies, gents and everyone outside!

I wanted to ask if anyone else experienced something like this early on their feminising journey: I’ve recently finally shared my dramas/worries around my gender identity with my doctor (after who knows how long of the writing being on the wall and loud) and suddenly things are a bit easier, it feels like I can breathe a bit deeper, the internal strife is quieter. But within my consciousness i don’t think i feel any different? It’s almost like a silent subconscious side of me was trying to scream for years that something was wrong, and I’ve finally listened at least a bit so it’s stopped fighting me, although the “me” i experience doesn’t seem to care that much.

I ofc feel relieved (and terrified!) to have talked about it at all. But it feels deeper than that, and this deeper peace I’m experiencing is obvious to observe within myself. I’m planning to ask to speak to a specialist next appointment but that could be weeks or months away and I’d like to try to make some sense of it before then! Unfortunately I don’t have any family or friends who this topic would 100% be safe with, they’ve all shown at least yellow or orange flags of transphobia.

I’d love to hear any of your own stories or similar experiences. Also thank you for this community, i don’t think i would have opened up if it wasn’t for the tales and thoughts shared.

EDIT: Thanks for everyone's kind words and support. I'm not sure how to reply to most of them, but just know I read all of them. I will be seeking out therapy and figuring out what's right for me this week. Thanks so much.

I hope this is the right place for this.

So, I've been having conversations with some of my trans-friends that have been making me think about things in my life.

Let's start with background.

When I was little, I always knew I wanted to be a girl. I wanted to be a girl so badly, even from when I was like six years old. Part of it was certainly that I was treated differently than my sister and made to feel guilty for being a boy because I was "just like my father" which is an insane thing to dump on a six year old. Yet, part of it was also sincere. I remember once my mom told me to be careful what I wished for or I just might get it and I spent months wishing I was slowly turning into a girl, just telling myself the process would be slow but I just had to keep wishing and praying for it. I remember a friend telling me about a video game they had that included a station for brewing potions and I was secretly obsessed with trying to find a gender changing potion (surely not in the game, but I was a kid who just wanted it to be real).

When I was 12 my mom caught me putting on my sisters clothes and put the fear of God in me and told me to never do it again, like she did with most things she didn't understand when it came to me. I stopped trying to do it, and I remember feeling very conflicted and crying a lot about giving up my dream of becoming a girl.

In high school though, I would often crossdress for Halloween, lied to myself and others and that it was just a fun silly thing to do. (To be clear my mother was around a lot less in high school so I was able to hide the fact that I did this from her) But if it was just for fun why did I slather my whole body with Nair to be more feminine? Why did I feel so good about how I looked in that one dress? Why did I spend so long gazing in the mirror and loving the feeling and wanting it to be real?

As an adult, I realized I was always more excited about pretty dresses and buying them for my girlfriends than they were about them. That I was more excited by the trappings of femininity than they were, and that maybe deep down it was because I was trying to live vicariously through them.

I grew up in the 80s and 90s, though, and I didn't even really know that being trans and transitioning was even really an option until I was pushing into my late twenties when I first started realizing trans people existed and had existed. I have always felt an affinity for the trans community, obviously, because to an extent I understood the experience.

But for 20 years I have spent my time making excuses for why I can't or won't consider the idea that I'm trans. "I'm too tall. I'm going bald (starting balding in my twenties). My hands and feet are too big. My hips are to narrow, my chest too deep. I'm too hairy. I would be an ugly woman and I want to be pretty, not ugly. I'll end up alone and unloved." I guess only more recently it hit me that if I'm making excuses for why I can't do it, then somewhere it means that I do want to do it still. That dream never really went away. The desire to be pretty and feminine never stopped, I just hid it away really well and constantly told myself that this was the body and life I had and that I had to get over it.

I'm in the USA, and I know this is pretty much the worst time to be reckoning with these feelings, but as I already have cancer, already am on the path to trying to get on disability, and already am on Medicaid, which the plan I am on in my state (Washington) covers a large portion of the aspects of transitioning (HRT, hair removal, facial feminization surgery, body contouring surgery, top surgery, and bottom surgery) it feels like it could be the last chance I have to stop telling myself excuses for why I can't be who I always wanted to be.

Part of it is I had one of my friends convincing me to try one of those gender-swap faceapps where they still adhere to your actual face shape, and my god, I was on the verge of tears, I didn't look ugly like I thought I would. I ended up staring at it for hours and looking at my face from every angle and wondering why I had lied to myself about the possibility of being pretty.

I don't know why I'm writing this other than to get it out and there and maybe field advice from the community. I'm seeing my psychiatrist this week and I'm going to ask her if the agency I'm at has any counselors who specialize in gender dysphoria/body dysmorphia. I figure I may as well talk to a professional about it for a while to try to come to more clear conclusions.

Does anyone have advice for someone in their mid-forties finally exploring this for real and trying to decide if it's for them? I know it won't solve all my problems, I know it won't magically make me happy when I have had chronic depression all my life from other trauma I have experienced... I just, I don't know, I'm going through a lot of changes in my life anyway due to my cancer and having to start my life over, part of me feels like maybe I should start it over the way I actually want to, then.

I hope this wasn't too long of a ramble, and I appreciate anyone who hears me out and cares to tell me anything that would be helpful, supportive, or make me feel more at ease at the idea or transitioning so late in life while my country wants to make what I desire even harder to achieve.

there is an anxiety in my trans circles that the future might become worse, that access to surgery, new passports and stuff might become harder. i feel like i should hurry to get shit done.

but i can't. it took sooo long until i knew for sure, i wanted to go on hrt. i am now and it's great. not for the reasons i imagined, but for all the small things i never thought about. yet i don't know what i want my name to be. it is such a hard question for me. i start to rethink sexuality aswell esp. since my libido seems to have vanished under estrogen. this i like also. but what does it say about my sexual identity? or my gender identity? will there be a point at which i want a bottom surgery? there are so many questions that i can't answer (yet).

meanwhile the whole world seems to demand these answers and wants them to align with their cis-het assumptions. health care wants me to display a binary persona for access to hrt (i played the part), and surgery. my aunt immediately fantasized about me "certainly" looking for a man to have a family with. everyone really wats to have an update on how to handle me. no ambiguity.

i realised that in my trans specific therapy group i get quiet and anxious when they are all discussing hospitals, doctors, procedures and all the technicalities. i feel like i am behind. always behind. i haven't done my homework. i didn't know forever that i was a girl. i don't know today. i'm just starting to get a sense of self. something that was shattered and buried through thorough suppression. i am putting together fragments like an archeologist. but being trans is in a way still just a working hypothesis. it's highly plausible, but i can't see the bigger picture yet.

i am afraid, that all of this will take me too long, that i will have to jump over new hurdles, or old ones, like when the rubber stamps from my therapist will be too old. i feel like i have to figure out myself now. i feel alone with that. even in self help, and therapy groups everyone is always so sure about themselves. just not me. i should seek out enby groups maybe? plz hit me up, if you ever felt this way too. 😥