I'm 24 and I recently got kicked out, me and my roommates spoke and they want me out by the august. I first wanted to stat with how we got here, around 2 years I would move in my roommate K and her wife Z, things were overall going well but it became clear I was neglected as a kid, and chores were not my strong suite. I could do them but not very well. eventually K got another partner F and between the three it became rarer and rarer for people to depend on me for chores. I felt bad but admittedly did not whole a lot to handle it. K would start to get really upset with me and It spawned fears I would get kicked out to the point where I would have long periods of depression, eventually we would move to Nola, and things only got worse from there, I told K I wanted to as go to therapy but K said she did not believe I was going to get better and that I am focusing way to much on clinician diagnosis and I could of just googled autism hacks or adhd chore hacks and that I was being terrible cause I wanted to be terrible, I overall got a point where I would constantly self deprecate as K would really only be mean to me and we would fight non stop every single day, I was never invited to do anything, and my life sucked. I got the the point where I started to dissociate and it got to a point where I could not function at work, my depression was severe and I would mostly sleep during the day, I finally did get into therapy and on some good meds but it was too late, one week ago I was informed due to my actions I am getting kicked out, while I was offered a couch in Shreveport to sleep on, and maybe a roommate situation I was still very upset. I am at the point where I feel like I lost everything that matters to me, I did not want to go back to Shreveport and I feel absolutely devastated. I applied for jobs in Seattle, and Denver but I have not even gotten a call for interview yet, and I honestly lost hope. I just don't know, how does one rebuild from nothing, like I dont have a job, friends, family really anything. I have a car that everything I own fits into thats it. What do I do now??

like pp is awful yes, but still somewhat ok, but balls aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa balls aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa balls i hate them i hate them i hate them i hate them i hate them

the most sad that im literally cant do orchiectomy in my fucking asshoole, yes some surgeouns do it, but price, travel to another part of putin empire, but okay possible todo, but some surgeouns will require letter which impossible to get, etc etc etc also general anestesia is terrible i want local option, they fucking also not do this to 17yo minor or even 18yo possibly deny

awwwwwwwwa MEOANEORROM im cat, vet pls cut my balls for $50

literally far-rights dont understand our dysphoria the importance of care availbility, does they ban surgeries and thinks we will stop on that? NOOO, im ready todo DIY orchie, only what im need, free time, no people around, sterile environemnt, instruments, medications, surgery ties

like yes my shitsterone suppressed yes but still this feeling of this tumors between legs, literally worse than any cancer

i hate living in this asshole, everyday is becoming worse, internet work terrible(worse every day), the impossibility of social transition
the fucking family which doesnt support really social transition, and the importance of surgeries, im tried request help from rainbow railroad but im think this doesnt work much the amount of shitty social norms in this fcking country not even gender ones

what dose is best of rectal administation(will check bloodtests), 100mg, 200mg?
any tips for administration techique?

im have post-orgasmic illness syndrome, does prog can help with it? sometimes body just wants it sadly how helpful is for breast development if i have fairly smol boobs?
what benefits for mental health?
does it boost feminization? skin, face, fat, muscle definition?

still at my friends house, so I have a lot more time and freedom on my hands now!!!!

his mom has offered me more colors to try, I'll definitely take that offer up :3

Kinda sad I started feeling sick and couldn’t go out with my fiancée tonight 🥺

First off all, if this is offensive, let me know and maybe delete this post.
This is a thought both me and the SO had while we were just in bed.
We were talking about phantom pain, and how the brain can still feel pain from body parts that have since been removed. Think leg amputations etc.

You can see this coming, im sure, but do any trans have phantom pain after surgery? Like, pain in balls, penis, boobs, ... After they have been removed?
We legit want to know, as we are very intrigued in this stuff and (and i quote) "are freaky people" :p

Signed: cishet and queer

Edit: thanks for all the replies! Very insightful and interesting! Sorry for the 'freaky' comment, that was not intended to be hurtful. We are weirdos to even think of this stuff, but please remember we see you as human beings and not as freaks. We wish you all the best and a happy life!

Okay enough with the pleasantries, venting time. I'm so pissed at my wife right now. She's manic so I shouldn't be, it's not really her fault but here we are.

Anywho, my buddy moved in last night. He's been trying to get out of Florida for a while and I'm giving him a place to stay till he gets back on his feet. So we are all talking, she's manic so she's dominating the conversation which is fine. But then she decided to ask me, in front of my friend who doesn't know I'm trans by the way, if I wanted to paint our nails this weekend. I brushed it off but like we talked about this. I told you I'm not comfortable talking to him about it yet and you almost outed me. The fuck! That's like rule number 1!

Then, later on she was complaining about dealing with her period and how it must be so easy to be a man. Which is fine, I understand, I don't mind really. But then she starts to talk about how her PCOS has her hormones all screwed up so she's basically bisexual and bigender. Like what the fuck?!?! You can't just decide that on a whim, in just the middle of a train of thought like it's no big deal.

Do you know how insulting, belittling, and hurtful that is to me. To basically say, the identity I've been struggling to understand my whole life, that has caused me so much pain and strife, that I'm just now starting to understand and accept, is no big deal. Who cares it's totally normal, it's just a minor hormone imbalance. IT'S A HUGE PART OF MY IDENTITY FOR CTHULHU'S SAKE!!! It took so much for me to get to where I am. 30 fucking years it's taken me to figure this out and I'm still not done! But oh no she just figures it out in the middle of a sentence and accepts it and moves on like it's meaningless. And since we are talking with my buddy who I'm not out to, I have to just sit there and try to ignore it or out myself. I ended up taking a hit of my vape and drinking too much to try and stay calm.

I'm so fucking mad right now.

I know it's just because she's manic, and she didn't mean anything by it. And honestly she probably didn't even know what she was saying plus I guarantee you she doesn't remember saying it. I want to talk to her about it but I don't really see the point. Ugh this really fucking ruined my night and now my whole day and probably my life until I can talk about it in therapy. Writing it down helps but I know I'm going to keep obsessing over it.

And for the first time in our marriage she decided she didn't want to sit with me, she needed her space, proceeds to decide she wanted to sleep wrapped up im a different blanket instead of under our weighted blanket with me, and then has the gaul to ask me to completely move all the the blankets out of the way and cuddle said other blanket with her inside and proceeds to curl up in the literal middle of the bed.

Thank you for coming to my ted talk

♡♡♡Nissa♡♡♡

So I'm 30mtf (generally- on meds for a bit now, gender is confusing), and I'm into clothing and style, comfort and stuff- so I figured that maybe skirts would be great! So I ordered two- a short-ish one and a long-ish one, in case one doesn't feel right.

But of course, the short one arrived first. It's a pleated black tennis skirt, so it's a little rigid and has a (skort? shorts but under the skirt for modesty).... and.... not for me (yet?), sadly. I've worn jeans and sweatpants and shorts and such that I as a guy could just... wear, normally. So anyway, tried it on, it's a fine fit, but.... my ass has never felt so exposed, I'mma be honest. And it wasn't even, it's just the lack of tightness just under the buttocks that skirts just don't do, making it feel super weird for me even though it was a mostly modest length of skirt. Hopefully the longer one (with belt loops!) feels better- it's about ankle-length by my estimate, and flowy and.... I think it's teal? I forget. It gets here in a week or so. Maybe eventually I'll be able to wear it around the house, but... ah, I bromode too much to try being cute or wear anything cute in public (yet).

so thanks for coming and reading me ramble about my new skirt, hope it was entertaining enough for a few minutes :3

Please ignore the furry bits I'm too lazy to shave right now. I don't care that there are 4 shades of purple. I absolutely love it! The flannel has a hood so I'm planning on this being my first in public outfit. I have some cute face masks so I can stay pretty anonymous. I also got my first matching bra and pantie sets which are great still getting used to how they feel but enjoying the look alot. Definitely ups my femininity. Also painted my toenails yellow the other night, love the bright happy color!

Hope you are doing well! Thank you all for being you!

Love,

♡♡♡Nissa♡♡♡

Edit: spelling as per usual

Shaved my legs and groin and chest. Damn do my legs look good. I then used a body oil to soothe the skin. Also this made my dysphoria hurt a bit less. Is tgere anything else that would make me feel better about myself?

cross-posted from: https://lemmy.blahaj.zone/post/42576032

Waiting for my car to cool down and sweating my soul out through my body. Its a good day tho! Got a tiny bit of tanning in before groceries!

This summer is going to suuuuuck so much

17 days! 😱

I met up with this guy who I met on social media, I assumed he knew I'm trans because it's all over my profile.

Well imagine my face when he asks if I'm taking the pill. So I had to stop him there and tell him that I'm trans.

Good thing he didn't mind, but it was such an embarrassing moment at first because I was like "what pill are you talking about?" 😭

cross-posted from: https://lemmy.blahaj.zone/post/42526258

Happy mothers day everyone!

I dont have a mother lol so i took the day to do my makeup! Then decided to go to the forest?? It was hot and it got messed up immediately, oh well 🤷‍♀️

This whole area of oregon was devastated by the Santiam fire in 2020, a particularly hot summer with strong winds and covid made this fire nearly impossible to contain. Its spread over 400,000 acres and burned from august to december when containment was reached.

This fire destroyed old abandoned town, inhabited town, campgrounds, powerlines and communication lines, and basically closed a large chunk of oregon for a year or more, with some places still closed and other places never being rebuilt. This fire stopped 40 miles from where i currently live! 😱

Anyway, despite all the devastation, the forest will rebuild itself! And i think its beautiful that no matter what happens in an area like this, life will sprout again and the beauty of nature will overgrow any man made junk left over. Witnessing the rebirth of this place ive grown up in is special, even tho its sad theres not as many good camping spots out here, but the forest deserves a break!

Anyways, just like the forest will rebuild itself into what its supposed to be, you can too! ❤️❤️

Im proud of you all! And to those with cool moms wish them a happy day from me! Anyone that doesnt have that in their life, im sorry, and i give you free internet hugs. I do wish it was different for some of us ❤️❤️

Ps i did take more pics than this obvi, might post them later or maybe ill finally start using my pixelfed account 😂

Oh i also got new gauges and a navel piercing! I couldnt do a tongue piercing 😭😭

Like this is just something i find so disgusting and Sad that MEN still are so Stupid and have no Idea on to not Save Pictures without Consent and Spread them Around :(

Like cant we have more Apps who notify us in Chat or via some kind of Mail like "Hey this Creep just saved your Images to his Device" >.>

My Nude Pictures are atleast quite Old from when i still was a Stupid Barely Legal Teen (18 - 19 Years Old) but i still wanna die in Shame everytime these Pictures get sent around in Disgusting Trans Fetish Groups honestly :(

I wish i could just erase this Part of my Internet History but i doubt it will happen honestly :(

TZheres a Reason i barely taky ANY kind of Pictures of myself anymore and hide in Shame :(
So i never can be found out IRL so i never go outside :(

I atleast am thankful that im not completely in a Big City and more so in a Small Suburb but it still scares me to know that there exist some People probably even near me that have seen these Pictures and jerk off to me in this Way :(
Especially as a Non Lewd Content Creator who even found out that their somewhere on the ACe Spectrum and just wants to forget this Part of my Life :(

cross-posted from: https://lemmy.blahaj.zone/post/42473251

Same red and purple dye. But this time i used red first then purple. I loooooove the color right now, and im feeling my minimalist makeup! Gonna go to the mall, its too warm to couch rot all day. Trying not to freak out about my appointment (19 days!!!) And overall just doing way better than a week or two ago

How are all my favorite people!? If youre having a rough time, just know i love you and im proud of you! I believe in you so hard!! ❤️

The body lotion I normally use is running out, but it's kinda too expensive for me to buy another one of so I can't. All the ones my budget allows me to buy are perfumed, but I've heard that those can irritate the skin or make the irritation from shaving even worse. Is that true?

What I'm planning on buying for reference: https://www.amazon.com/Nivea-Aloe-Hydration-Lotion-400ml/dp/B079KGC4NZ

So I got kicked out for being horrible, I have BPD and I just suck horribely. I'm a piece of shit by every measurable amount, I parentofied everyone cause I was neglected and autistic, I didnt do house chores without being asked, I would ask things to people before googling them, I'm a literal piece of shit, and I fear if I live with other roomates which is basiclly required in our economy I'll just fuck it, like ive dome twice. Thats why all my friends could offer me is a couch in the corner for 3 months, I'm a piece of shit.

I wanted to run away to Seattle and try to start again since there isnt anything for me in new Orleans anymore. Getting kicked out was the last straw for me, I balled and begged like a dog but nothing changed. I want to get help but I fear if my roomates arnt aware and are super honest with me I'll just end up living in my car. I'm scared and I want guidence, I'm autistic and this is the biggest leap for me. I was living with childhood friends for the longest.

I don’t even know where to start.

this week goes in as another one of the best weeks in my life, and yet it’s gone by so fast.

monday was obviously the start of it all. during my free periods at school I got back to the house to pack vital stuff I needed to stay at my friend’s place. you can’t exactly carry a suitcase while riding a bike, so after school I left it at his place and took the bus instead. grabbing my things, hobbling onto the bus, sitting down, and watching that house disappear behind me, I felt like one of the biggest battles was finally over: my fight for life.

tuesday was my test day. after being able to study the night before and in the morning before I left, I did way better than I think I ever expected. I guess that’s what happens when the biggest worries melt away.

wednesday we all drove to the mall. we grabbed dinner, walked around, and I personally got to look at some clothes and accessories for inspiration. couldn’t really buy them right now with my priorities and all, but at least I have an idea of what I can look for at the thrift store!

thursday I got called down to guidance in the morning. my spawnpoint had called the school without specifics and my counselor wanted to know what was going on. I’d never been close to her before that, but with my best self-interests in mind, I did tell her about me being trans and what was going on between spawnpoint and I. I explained that I felt safe at my friends house. she understood my situation, and reassured she wouldn’t tell my spawnpoint where I was, only that I was safe. after school our other friend came to the house and we headed out, this time by ourselves. I got to get some of my snacks at the supermarket and some ingredients for my pasta!!!! it turned out great :3 pasta for everyone

obligatory transit and food photos

today during free periods I had to go back to that house. riding the route back I felt anxious, and actually going in just made me start to cry, even though I knew no one would be there. it just didn’t feel like home anymore. I got the last of my stuff, borrowed school books, important legal documents, and a tiny blahaj I left behind the first time. now, I’m on the road for good.

tonight, I go back to my local LGBTQ+ center for their weekly event to meet more people around my age and engage with the services they offer there. I won’t be back until late, but this is what’s best for me and there won’t be anyone to stop me.

I don’t know where I would be without these wonderful people in my life. honestly, I thought that actually living at his house would create a weird dynamic especially within a week and learning all the quirks of this family. but I already feel so at home, and my friend seems to agree as well:

that made me cry happy tears.

if someone had asked me at the beginning of the year where I saw myself, at no point would I have ever guessed something like this. but this (mostly) independent, dynamic lifestyle, where I’m just going anywhere, doing what I need to get done for myself, and not being scared of getting in trouble is just so much better than what I had before, or even no life at all.

the only regret I have is leaving my brother behind. the last thing I ever texted him was “I still love you.”. I really hope he knows that, remembers it, and believes it. I never wanted to hurt him like this and I so desperately hope he doesn’t hate me for leaving, but the truth is I won’t know for sure anytime soon. I'm not reaching out because he won’t have to lie to my spawnpoint about it and get in trouble.

if at the end of a long day you come back to a place with people that love, respect, and support you for who you are, that's what makes a place a home. I’ve learned that now.

here’s to rounding off my school year and continuing my path forward, starting right here in my new home ❤️🥂

Here goes...

I had a therapy session tonight, it went well just not long enough. I still have questions, I'm still really confused, I've never needed more time with my therapist before.

Let me start over

Hi, I'm Nissa! But also howdy, I'm Lewis. I'm not one, but both. Dual-binary as I call it. Is this a thing? Being trans doesn't mean be this, get in the box. There is no wrong way, right?! But to let myself be Nissa I have to give up something of Lewis's. To keep being Lewis, Nissa will continue to suffer. I can buy and wear the clothes, I can wear the make up and style my hair but it'll only be half steps. I love my skirts but I also love my three piece suits.

I started writing this last week after my therapy session. I don't feel like I had enough time and even started crying, not knowing what to do or what I can do. I haven't been around much lately because I've felt so confused. I haven't girlmoded in almost 2 weeks, partly because of this, partly due to outside stressors, and partly due to my wife's stress and needing Lewis.

I did some digging today and turns out bigender is totally a thing. I can be both, there are others like me. I can rock makeup and a mustache. I can grow my hair out again and style it while still enjoying a 3 peice suit. I love painting my nails and I want to get better at it. I am honestly considering laser hair removal for everything sans mustache cuz shaving sucks.

I want to continue to be apart of this community because my trans side is fem and I need your help and support. When I'm talking to all you lovely ladies I'm Nissa, but I can be Lewis at the same time. Being here and supporting you makes me happy. I don't know what my future holds, but that's okay, no one really does. I know 2 things for sure:

1. I'm going to keep coming back here, sharing my stories, pics as I get more confident, and mostly to bask is the glow of all of you maybe live vicariously through you too

And B. I have a new dress at home that I'm going to try on this evening, and if I don't hate it I'll try and make a post

Thanks for listening

Love you all!

♡♡♡Nissa♡♡♡

After a year from when I scheduled my initial consultation to now, it finally happened! The procedure took about 5 hours at Henry Ford doing the robot assisted hybrid PPT-PI vaginoplasty. Currently in recovery for about 6 days before I'll hopefully be discharged to go home to continue my recovery.

The buildup and anticipation leading up to the surgery date was probably the worst part so far. My pain is currently tolerable, but we'll see how it is once I need to start moving around more 😅

cross-posted from: https://lemmy.blahaj.zone/post/42349556

Totally normal and not super scary existential crisis the last 2 weeks, promise!

Ive been lurking still, but just havent been feeling super great so i havent been here talking to all my favorite people

Excited and nervous about the future, happy to see so much activity in the community.

Hows everybody doing?!

❤️❤️

Also green and pink is an underrated combo, im really feeling this outfit 🥰