Be in simunitions course

Am asked to play badguy

I'm in the room with my instructor. He motions me over and says "Make em' work for it."

"What exactly do you mean sir?"

"Pretend you drank a gallon of PCP, k?"

"O-ok"

"Act crazy enough to make them focus on you, that way your buddies can give a nice coat of paint, got it?"

"Yessir"

Immediately start having /k/ related ideas pop into my head

Team of two burst into the room I'm hiding in.

I'm behind a giant box shaped like a cube in the center of a room filled with storage-type supplies

They are yelling at me to come out

stay hidden

as the come near my box I worm my way around to the other side of it, in the dark to stay hidden

They finally catch a glimpse of my left leg and start yelling at me to come out, hands up.

So... I do /k/ proud.

I hop up on the box in SpiderMan pose and scream "IT'S YOUR MOVE MR. LAW MAN!"

He starts laughing while trying to give me commands

His teammate who I recognize as our most worthless, out of shape, fat female officer is not laughing and still shrieking at me.

I look at the guy and say "WHAT'S SHE GONNA DO? PUT HER FUPA OVER MY MOUTH AGAIN?!?!?!" (completely different but disgusting story)

The guy knows what I'm talking about and starts laughing. Loses his compusure and lets his guard down.

I the hear my two Badguybros start to come out from their hiding spots

Lady officer fires wildly at me (me, the unarmed obvious decoy)

misses me enough times that I have time to jump on her like a Facehugger from Alien.

Dude Officer is still laughing but takes out the other bad guys

Our instructor is standing behind the glass wall and losing his shit

I'm basically face fucking the female officer through her face mask

I have taken her gun from her and am yelling, if I remember correctly "I USED TO RIDE BULLS AND SLAY DRAGONS YOU DON'T SCARE MEEEE!!!!"

Finally the guy officer reloads (he took his time) and pops me 7 time in the ass