Well, it's happened. Three months ago, I made a post here asking about how to cope with the wait for surgery (By the way, thank you for all the nice comments. They were very helpful and I regret I just didn't have the energy to reply. But know they were appreciated a lot). I was aiming for January. I prepared all the documents, collected them over months and put in my application for coverage. And today, the answer came back. Denied. I did everything right. All the right documents, all the right doctors. The reason for the denial? They say I need to provide proof for 12 months of therapy. This is an old guideline. The current guideline, which has been in place since 2020 says: 6 months. I paid a therapist out of my own pocket without their coverage for exactly 6 months of therapy. This was about 2000€. And now they, who are literally the institution made for adhering to their guidelines, are disrespecting their own guidelines.

Respectfully, I can't fucking believe it. I read the e-mail four hours ago and I'm still in tears. Of course I'll appeal it. It'll probably work, they're factually wrong. But this delay means I won't have surgery this winter. It'll be summer at least before I have surgery, everything takes ages in this transphobic, terrible system. Initially, I just went to therapy because they made me, because I needed the hours for the application. But this system is making me sick. It's making me mentally ill, it's making me consider suicide. I don't know how to cope with having a penis any longer. The wait until January felt impossible. And now it's postponed, at least months. Maybe years, who knows at this point? The thought of having to endure this body so much longer makes me physically sick. I want to throw up. I can't do this anymore, it's so painful. Honestly, one of the most painful things, if not THE, I've ever experienced.

Another summer with a penis. Another year without being seen as human by dates. Another summer without swimming, without tight dresses, without cute bottoms. Another year of wasting my youth on the most horrifying thing I wouldn't even wish my worst enemy: transition. I know it's an ungrateful thing to say and positivity should be embraced but right now I'm on the ground and I'll just say it: I wish I was cis. I would do anything for it. I'd kill, unironically.

Rant over. I'm sorry, I just had to get this out.

Had two interactions with men in public today.

First guy walked next to me, I was on my phone, he walked uncomfortably close.

Him: Hey, how are you?

I looked at him, half-thinking maybe we know each other from somewhere, pretty quickly knew: No, we don't. So I just said:

Good.

I turned onto a park pathway. He kept walking next to me, so I said:

And?

Him: Ohh, I'm good. Where are you going?

Me, increasingly confused: Home?

Him: I'm coming with you!

Me, walking faster: Oh hell you aren't, bye!

Him, speeding up with me: I just want to ask you something!

Me: You're not asking me anything, get away!

And then he finally gave up. Honestly, it was fucking creepy. He then stood there and stared at me until I was gone. I was scared. And so happy he didn't follow me further. I'll file this under "Situations I'm glad I'm 6ft tall and look a bit scary".

Second guy: I was waiting at an intersection and then walked to the other side on red when there were no cars. He was stood on the other side. Then, when I passed him:

You'd be the perfect model!

He was nice about it. Even said it in the respectful form in my language that signals distance and respect, him clearly older than me. I said thanks, we smiled at each other. End of interaction. (There's a whole other conversation to be had about situations like this but that's for another day)

The duality of men, I guess. And also: This is what it means to pass, I guess.

Hey y'all, this is a bit of a personal rant and maybe a space for other people to share their experiences in the comments. I'm just looking for some advice on how to make the wait for bottom surgery more bearable.

Mine is probably about 6-8 months away, though I don't have an exact surgery date yet. There are some days where it's really fine and I don't even notice my parts down there but then there are others where it's unbearable to even get out of bed. Sometimes I just want to cut the damn thing off myself, I feel like I can't bear to lug it around for even one more day.

I know that I'm a woman (ish) no matter my genitals but it just pisses me off so much that I'll forever be an experiment for people (especially men) when I try dating as long as I don't have a vulva. That I can't go to women's changing rooms without having a complete breakdown (I did it once and have avoided them since in the last 1.5 years). That I can't go swimming in the same clothes all my friends can. That I can't enjoy buying nice underwear because it always looks so horribly wrong. That I feel it every second of every day, that I always have to cover it up when I wear tight bottoms, that I always have to worry and think about it. I hate it, I really do. Every time I touch it, it feels more like a tumor or some kind of demon that has manifested in my body. My bottom dysphoria has become worse and worse the better everything else gets. You win some, you lose some, I guess. All in all, life has gotten significantly better in the last two years for me. I feel like I still have the same amount of dysphoria as I did before starting HRT, only now it's concentrated more on this part of my body.

Okay, rant over, haha. Hope to hear some of your experiences and what helped you through the wait.

Well, it's more or less in the title. I've been on HRT for about 10 months now and I have significantly decreased my alcohol intake since then, didn't drink at all in the first two months. I now have a drink about every two weeks and of course, my tolerance is way down. But I've noticed that while I'm fine drinking wine (and drunk after two glasses, which is fine), beer is absolutely not an option anymore. I just get sick in the stomach after having even just one beer. I've tried lager and Guinness and they've both produced the same effect. It's not really a problem for me, though I would enjoy a pint here and there.

Anyone else here who had the same happen to them? Is there any biological/hormonal/chemical reason for it maybe?