I also experienced extreme bottom dysphoria. It was completely disruptive my whole life. It definitely got worse the longer I was out as trans. There were so many things I wanted to do that I didnt feel like I could. I'm very inclined towards feminine clothes and presentation and I pretty much never could wear anything explicitly fem. I always wore baggy clothes, hoodies and jeans in the middle of summer kinda vibe. It was awful genuinely I hated my body and wanted no one to ever see me. I didnt swim for over a decade. I felt out of place among other women, I felt repulsed with intimacy and avoided it as much as possible. I got misgendered a lot and just sort of accepted it. I was very unhappy most of the time.

I dont have any easy answers. It nearly killed me. I coped badly, to make a long story short. I waited a long time for surgery and getting it saved my life. Its been over 2 years now. I'm almost an entirely different person. Its hard to really summarize all the changes but I actually like who I am today. I love my body in spite of its flaws and I actually feel free to be myself, something I never did before. I'm better adjusted emotionally and much better at managing my mental health. I'm not entirely free of dysphoria now, but bottom dysphoria was far and away the worst for me.

The next 6 months before your surgery date will feel like the longest thing ever and also retrospectively like the blink of an eye. A light at the end of the tunnel exists. I'm very excited for you to get there. Be patient with yourself and focus on getting through each day.

Hopefully you've already had extensive hair removal completed (usually recommended is at least a year of electrolysis and three full cycles of clearing), not sure if you're still going through that, but that has been a big part of my wait for bottom surgery.

In terms of wanting to cut the thing off yourself, I find I have intrusive thoughts like this as well, I just watch them come and go and remind myself that I'm not a skilled surgeon who can turn my situation down there into anything like a woman's vagina. I've lived my whole life with those thoughts, so it's nothing special or interesting about them now. Usually I can redirect to feeling gratitude and reflect on how incredibly lucky I am to live in a time where anyone has access to a surgery like that (relative to the human past, even the trans emperor of Rome was unable to get gender affirming surgery, let alone a peasant like me).

Otherwise I try to avoid seeing or thinking much about my genitals, I think this is the best advice I can give - just don't look at them, don't think about them - limit your exposure. Wear dark feminine underwear that hide the shape and look of them, wear gaffs if that is affirming and helps you not see or think about them, and so on. Wear these even when you might not otherwise, like when lounging around. I even wear them during sex, so I won't see or think about it. If you're taking a bath, cover the genitals with bubbles or a hand towel. Avert your eyes, redirect your thoughts.

What I've found is the more I think about it, the worse I feel. So redirecting awareness when you see the genitals and reminding yourself that 6 months is a very short period of time and that you might even someday forget what it was like (and even wish you remembered) - those are things that have helped me. (My surgery is in a week.)

I feel this a lot, hits me right in the despair.

I started the process of getting bottom surgery about a year and a half ago, and saying I'll have it done in as much time is optimistic... I don't know if I can wait that long. It's getting worse every day.

I don't know where I was going with this, ig you're not alone.

Personally, I've been single my whole life and probably will continue to be until vaginoplasty. I can't imagine being with someone or being seen naked by anyone when I have the tumor.

I sympathize with these feelings, and I'm sorry you've had to wait so long to get this taken care of. Be confident that it isn't that far in the future.

As for my experiences, I can personally relate to gender dysphoria but not genital dysphoria. I missed out on a lot of gay experiences when I was younger because, while I've always liked dicks, I've never seen masculinity as a positive trait, and the one gay guy I knew in high school was very masc and went to the gym and stuff. I'm dating another transfem with a similar background to my own, and (perhaps because they look more feminine than I do and have stronger dysphoria) they're asking me to boymode, which I hadn't done in about a year. I do it because I care about them and desperately need that relationship. (Abandonment issues.) Plus it's just something different.

My suggestion, beyond taking solace in the fact that you have a surgery planned, is to spend time with a partner, be it someone who is trans or someone who understands the trans experience more than a completely cis person. Intimacy with someone you're attracted to and know and understand can be therapeutic.

I have some comments, but I am not mtf so I can't give you more than that.

• It is my personal belief that genitalia has very little to do with gender as I have seen time and time again that while it correlates for some, it's not always par the norm. I have loved a variety of transfolx throughout my lifetime, and when dysphoria hits it always seems to help to remember this. I can understand that it feels awful to have a disconnect between what you see in your minds eye and what you're currently trapped with. In these instances, sometimes just wearing cute clothing can help. Minimizing time around mirrors seems to help as well. I wish I had the magic key, but I don't. I just figured I would say in my own life I have found the best coping/healing comes from being kind to myself instead of burning my bits to the ground.

• As for the fetishism, I have heard it never stops. Basically regardless of what genitalia you sport, there will always be an element of queerness within your relationships. Which I suppose could be good or bad depending on how you feel about it. I will say I have heard there's far less folks knocking on your door pre/post operation but I think others can give more input on that than I can. I just figured it's worth noting, because while this is something I have heard I didn't even think about how this could transform an individuals er...suitors in such a way. I will say that there is a beauty to life in that people seem to sort of fall into one another and hopefully pending you're feeling loved and supported by said individual(s) it doesn't seem to matter much what cards you have to play. Just as long as they fit into whatever said individual(s) are down to hang with.

  • Plan for kind things to cover your recovery. I heard it's a sob to sit upright for quite some time. Perhaps figure out how to have the technology you want to access accessible via a comfortable position (laying down?). Get your setup done in advance, so you don't have to worry too much about it. Grab what you need to keep yourself clean and regular (as in, going to the bathroom - think about what you need to be able to go to the bathroom). Figure out who/what support you will need in order to sustain yourself on the road to recovery. Likewise how (remote work?) you can sustain yourself. You might have to move things around in order to get from a->b. I myself have had surgeries that have impaired me severely and just getting to the bathroom was a feat. It's partially why I mention it, but also things I have heard through the grape vine yet again.

• I know several people waiting for gender-reaffirming surgeries and you sort of just have to toss your hat into the ring and be open to not having specifics. One was told they'd be able to get an orchie in 3-5 months but they're still waiting and it's been more than that. So I suppose it's just a waiting game. I think Covid kinda messed up the time line of a lot of things. When a doctor needs time, I figured it's always better to give them it than to have someone burnt-out and prone to making mistakes. Just kinda be accepting of the wait, at least is how I have experienced it. I wish I had better advice.

Idk if any of this helps, and as previously stated I am not mtf. Just know that I mean it all in kindness. Equally I'd say finding a support network (here?) helps. If you can't find it, maybe dedicating some time to creating it could not only help you, but others as well. The world is cruel to transfolx, it's kinda crazy though, cause like...they also seem to be obsessed with them? Shrugs. Just do your best to stay safe, cultivate kindness and peace and turn off whatever you need to turn off in order to be well. Good luck, sis! You're gunna be fine either way. Just remember to be kind to yourself =)

I'm sorry that you're struggling. I think venting and seeking support/advice about this is a step in the right direction. Waiting for surgery is a right pain esp with it being so far out. I wish there was more I could offer.