No. Just no.

She's in the midst of a divorce and almost certainly not ready for that.

You admit concerns about compatibility but way more than that claim you'd change who you are for them.

No.

That will NEVER work out well. Love comes from people who love who you are, not who you can try to be.

The bond you have is lovely, let her dust settle and the storm to pass - once there is “normal” life see if you still feel the same. Crisis and trauma can push people together but perhaps for the wrong reasons.

Good luck. I hope you both find happiness.

Oof. As someone that used to fall in 'love' hard, and usually with the wrong people, I'm not sure that I even have decent advice here but I sure as hell identify and commiserate.

Seems you've already come to this conclusion yourself but I would definitely not say anything right now. Even if it's totally innocent on your part, besides the fact that she's already in a vulnerable state, it could also be seen as opportunistic and like you've been 'waiting your turn' all this time.

I definitely recognise the signs of spiralling out here though. She's consuming your thoughts and twisting you up inside and making you write long posts describing the depth of your feelings. You're even considering giving up your identity. And in this state, you don't think clearly or always make the best decisions. To me it felt like what I imagine being bipolar must feel like. So I wish you the best of luck keeping your head in this situation. Especially considering that now would probably be the worst time to take a break in your friendship because she probably needs the shoulder to cry on now now then ever.

I know it's easier said than done but I would suggest trying to reprogram your thought patterns right now. Introduce a second voice in your head that tells you to snap out of it every time you start daydreaming about her. Maybe there's possibilities in the future but now it's the worst possible time for this and you need to keep reminding yourself of that.

Also, I give this advice to everyone because it's what worked for me, but try to find something to keep you busy and distracted in the in between times when you're not talking to her. Like start a Skyrim run or Stardew Valley run. Something that demands all of your attention and makes the hours fall away like they're minutes. Or even a series to binge.

Lastly, this is probably unnecessary but as someone who always felt too strongly and intensely, at this point I would like to try and practise relationship anarchy moving forward. It's a concept that actually comes from polyamorous circles but as someone that isn't polyamorous, I think that there are some valuable concepts and ideas in there that can apply to all relationships, whether they're friendships or something more. And I think that they're ideas that can be valuable to introduce into your thought process. At least just to keep reminding yourself that we're all individuals going through our own shit and battling our own demons. And that no one owes you anything (and vice versa).

Maybe the best course of action here would be just to let her come to you if it's meant to be. And then that way, you won't have to feel like a bad person here or feel like you need to do something drastic like detransition. If you make the move, you'll always feel off about it because of the circumstances. And if you detransition, you're no longer being the best version of you that you could be anymore and might even grow bitter and resentful about it.

And sorry for the essay. Half of this is probably just me projecting my own shit because I see myself 10 years ago in this post.

There are a lot of things to unpack here.

First of all, your friend is at vulnerable place and this is not the time for you two to explore a romantic relationship. You will definetely regret rushing things, you sound like a kind person and you don't want to exploit her. Try to be there for her, give time and space for something romantic to develop.

When the time has come try to be clear and formal, ask her for a date, like you are meeting a new person. Dating someone you know for a long time can be confusing and messy, invest the time to understand the romantic side of your relationship.

Also, you deserve to be with someone that appreciates the whole you. De-transitioning should something you do because you want to and not something you do because someone else wants it. You are allowed to change your mind, but make sure you do it for the right reasons.

Last but not least, as far as the equipment is concerned, there are always strap ons 👌

PS the concept of love can be complex and confusing. There is a lot of research around it, but IMO the bottom line is that there are two sides of it you need to be aware. 1) there is limerance which is a feeling and 2) there is love which something you do

I don't mean to be harsh, but being that close to her... You would know if the feelings were reciprocated. There's nothing in your post that suggests that. It seems you know what to do.

Hey OneSidedLover.

Honesty is brutal. It can make or break lifelong commitments.

There’s a lot in your life that’s complicated. But one thing is not - that you care for Grace.

It doesn’t matter if it’s a teenage romance, or one after years of marriage and ups and downs, like what you’re describing… if you’re honest, you can absolutely win the heart you’re after or completely lose them, even if it happens over time due to a series of awkward situations.

So here’s a possibly terrible way of going about it -

Be honest with Grace. Don’t be honest that you are in love with her. Just be honest that you might like women. That you might even detransition for the right one. Tell her that part of the truth. Do NOT try to do a coy “there’s someone who I love” with it being obvious who that someone might be.

If and only if Grace says to you, “you know, I kinda like women too”, you might have an in. If she says “I support you no matter what you do”, good luck with your deep friendship.

It’s never as easy as that. But that’s the advice I have for you today.

Hope this helps ail that aching heart.

First off, I am very sorry you're going through this. It does, indeed, sound like a tough and chewy time, but it's most definitely not wrong.

Secondly, everything's coming from a (moderately) cis straight guy, I really don't know how this situation would play out beyond guessing and imagining, so I apologise in advance if anything comes off as irrelevant, off-key, or even insulting.

To get on with it, the two things I know you shouldn't do right now are the following:

• Do NOT change who you are for someone else, especially not before you've even broached the subject with said person! Not only are you risking dumping yourself for something which may very well go nowhere, but you may actually dump aspects which the other person would enjoy. Always bring yourself, as you are, to the table. And always keep at least 10% of yourself for yourself.

• Do NOT get involved in anything until the divorce paperwork is signed and stamped! This is skipping a few major steps, I know, but right now everything should be off limits. It'll just end up becoming a bigger mess, believe me. Plus it wouldn't give you the best start possible, which you already kinda' have through the fact that you're very close friends by the sound of it.

What I would do, in all honesty, is nothing. At least not now, not until she finalises her divorce and has some time to grieve and recover. The best thing you could do is continue being there for her as she goes through The Suck, continue being her friend, that's more valuable than anything right now.

Afterwards, after you've also had some more time to process things, cross the t's and dot the i's, so to speak, you should consider having a talk about it with her. Present your side of things, explain it as best as you can, try to frame it all as "here's where I am, this is what is happening to me." It'll probably be a lot to process for her (or maybe not, but those odds are not worth the bet), so try to put as little pressure on her as possible.

It may make things awkward between you for a while, it may even lead to the dissolution of the friendship. If the latter happens, well... maybe that friendship has reached its natural end. If the former happens and you are absolutely certain you can play The Friend while pining for The Lover's role, then business as usual - be there for her as and when she needs it, give her space to come to terms with the new data, and see where things go.

But, again, no changing who you are! Seriously! As long as you don't have profoundly toxic and/or damaging behaviours (which are a whole different conversation), you should never give yourself up for somebody else! Dating hollow flesh defeats the purpose.