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[vent] I guess the egg finally cracked today and I hate it (feddit.org)
submitted 3 days ago* (last edited 3 days ago) by Someone@feddit.org to c/mtf
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Throwaway Account, here we go. So i think the egg finally cracked enough for me to accept, that Im trans. The thought has crossed my mind quite regularly in the past few weeks. Everything started with when I took LSD about 5 weeks ago and I was able to catch a thought that crossed my mind regarding my appreciation for female clothing (skirts etc.). It was "Acts trans, looks trans[I bought myself a skirt a few days prior to this], probably is trans". My stupid ass of course was like "Nahhhh, I dont like such thoughts i may think about this once my brain isnt fried anymore" (guess what didnt happen). Since then there was this little nagging voice in my head always asking me "Are you sure you arent trans", but I always just kept it silent saying "I will figure it out with the time", without really thinking about if the voice maybe didnt have a point. I have been back at my parents house for about 4 weeks(since the semester is now over) now and in that time i catched myself think quite regularly how much I miss wearing my skirt and such stuff. Today the egg finally cracked. The voice that I may be trans has been getting extra loud the past few days, which led to me going on YouTube today searching for how/when people realised they are trans and watching some more videos of a mtf creator. This led to an unholy quest of doomscrolling r/egg_irl and @egg_irl@lemmy.blahaj.zone and hating how much i could relate to a lot of this content. I could really feel how the barriers to acceptance fell while seeing this content. And now, im sitting here, writing this post and absolutely hating myself because I absolutely do not like this realisation and thinking about how this will change my life remembering a lot of stuff dating back years of my life and thinking to myself "You stupid idiot really thought these kind of thoughts were normal?". Additionally to the hate about why I cant just be normal like everyone else I now additionally have these very intense cravings to start transitioning. It makes life quite shit, knowing what you want, but currently nut being able to come anywhere close to it. Luckily Im currently in a position where i am quite sure, that when/if i finally come out i wont face that much (or probably little to zero) backlash over this. My family will probably not be super supportive (its not in their "nature"), but they will probably accept it. My close friend group wont have any problems at all and only roasting me with some phrases like "Remeber when I said you will turn into a femboy 2 years ago and you idiot denied that? Look what happened to you.". Only problem may be some of my friends from my hometown who are more conservative, but I guess/hope that they will be fine, since they arent really right or so, just uninformed about a lot of topics. My biggest fear would probably be my music orchestra, because there are quite a lot of older people and in my village about 50% voted for our "conservative" party (They are far right, especially in term of immigration, but dont have the balls to admit it), but to be fair a lot of these 50% are probably people who dont even know other parties exist, since theyve been voting for them the whole time. This would probably one of the hardest losses, if i had to cut ties with them, since i really like playing there and having to deal with a lot of people who dont accept me the way I am wouldnt be worth it.

Thanks for reading my vent, because I really had to get this off my chest, but currently dont have the balls to talk about this with a friend and I want to wait at least a few weeks before doing so to be sure.

Edit: Thanks everyone for the kind words. I devinetively needed this.

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[-] dandelion 14 points 2 days ago* (last edited 1 day ago)

unsolicited advice:

  • get a trans-affirming therapist, ideally someone who has worked with trans patients about their gender before, to help walk through how you're feeling
  • keep a journal and sort through your thoughts on paper, not only did this really help me analyze my gender issues in a concrete way, it also created a record that later I could return to and remember why I was transitioning and what my exact reasons were (and how I was feeling, and how those feelings were changing during transition)
  • start HRT as a first step, think of it as part of your diagnostics rather than as a last step after being 100% certain. It's not extreme to take HRT, it's relatively trivial. You can be on HRT for a few months without long-term consequences (with estrogen the long term consequence being breast budding that results in permanent growth, and won't go away completely once you stop), and it has practically no risks - do it first and see how you feel, it can be really helpful. If you want to have children you may need to freeze sperm before starting HRT in case you become infertile, but again that's mostly a concern with being on HRT for longer than a few months, a test run should still be safe.
  • get educated: read as much as you can about trans stuff, esp. Gender Dysphoria Bible; Intro to Transfem HRT; nonfiction by Julia Serano (esp. Whipping Girl and Sexed Up), Mia Violet (Yes, You are Trans Enough), Susan Stryker (Transgender History); fiction by Casey Plett (Little Fish, A Safe Girl to Love), Imogen Binnie (Nevada), Torrey Peters (Detransition, Baby), Leslie Feinberg (Stone Butch Blues)

EDIT:

I also live in a far-right place, but instead of 50%, it's more like 70 - 80% vote right-wing where I live (a political supermajority). I understand your fear, and to some extent all LGBTQ+ people live and deal with the reality that society is largely homophobic and transphobic, and violence against us is common. All I can say is that this isn't something you can change about yourself, and not transitioning due to intimidation and fear is actually part of that transphobic violence. Transitioning is a radical act of self-care and kindness, and I have come to see it as essential, as necessary for our health and well-being, just as taking hormones is for anyone else with an endocrine disorder. Not all trans people react the same way to hormones, we are not a monolith (biologically, culturally, personally), but many of us are similar this way, and it's worth finding out.

[-] Someone@feddit.org 4 points 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago)

Thanks for the advice. I will devinetively look into it. I have absolutely her clue how and where I can find something like a gender affirming therapist, but shouldn't be to hard to find one. I will devinetively start writing a journal (won't do it on paper because theres a fair chance I will not be able to read it afterwards xD. My handwriting is terrible) since this devinetively sounds like a good idea to be able to remember myself why I am doing stuff and how terrible I currently feel. I already started reading the gender dysphoria bible even tho it doesn't really feel like gender dysphoria (if I understood what I've read so far right). I dont hate my current body. I just have this insane desire to be someone else. I know that being a woman is what I want, not because my current form is bad, but because even the thought of it fills me with joy. Currently it feels like someone ripped a giant fucking hole into my chest and nothing us able to fill it, except becoming what I dream of. It kinda feels like when youre really hungry, but its not in my stomach, but instead in my chest. Its absolutely horrible. Worst of all I currently dont really have the opportunity to tell a friend, because I know, that I really need this, because I dont really want to risk, that my family notices something. I'm devinetively not ready to talk to them about how I currently feel. If I'm lucky I might be able to do it on the weekend, since most of my family is gone or busy on the weekend. Will devinetively give an update if I can talk to a friend.

I might start reading some of the books you mentioned too. Someone else also recommended me whipping girl.

Edit regarding your edit: Luckyly I dont have a social bubble where I have to fear transphobes. There may be some in my hometown, but they will be quite easy to avoid, since I'm not there that often. In the city where I am usually (aka where my university is) I have absolutely no fear about transphobes. The majority of people there are super accepting and I know no others place where its that likely that someone you encounter is part of the LGBTQIA+ Group.

[-] dandelion 5 points 2 days ago* (last edited 1 day ago)

Wherever you are, there are probably other trans people in the same city or town. Find these people, they will have local knowledge - this is how I know who is safe to go to as a hairdresser, as a doctor, as a therapist, etc. If you live in a big enough place, trans people might share this knowledge online, too, and you can search for it there.

it doesn’t really feel like gender dysphoria ... I dont hate my current body.

I thought similar things, too - I just didn't know the variety of ways dysphoria could look like. I didn't hate my penis, so I thought I couldn't be trans, for example. Pre-transition I repressed my feelings a lot, and once I transitioned I became much more sensitive to everything "wrong" with my body. I went from thinking I had no dysphoria, to realizing just how extreme my dysphoria had always been.

Realizing one is trans can be difficult, I lived decades of my life before I had the tools to interpret my experiences accurately. So don't be surprised if your feelings and your understanding of your feelings shift as a part of this process, they certainly did with me.

EDIT:

Oh, and this video playlist by the Transition Channel was what specifically caused me to seriously consider that I might be trans. Previously I had only used the DSM-V clinical definition, and I assumed because I had "no" severe dysphoria / distress I must not be trans. (Turns out I developed coping mechanisms like dissociation to help me survive being trans, and those also masked my symptoms without my awareness.)

EDIT2:

Also, what I didn't realize before is that even the DSM-V has flexible sub-categories for gender dysphoria that allow clinicians to diagnose for those who don't strictly meet the typical criteria, e.g. "Unspecified gender dysphoria" and "Other specified gender dysphoria".

[-] Blazingtransfem98@discuss.online 9 points 2 days ago

Hey there girl it's alright, things will be okay. It's natural not to like the idea at first but I'll give you some advice. You're trans whether you like it or not, things will go easier if you accept it sooner rather than later and start doing things to affirm your identity and make yourself comfortable, even little things.

I resisted for a very long time. I only transitioned on DIY hormones a few years ago, and before that there were many many signs but I ignored or resisted them like an idiot. I think I used to believe one could choose to be trans 🤦‍♀️. Obviously that didn't work and I'm trans, as much as it's brought me hardship and suffering. I am glad though that I did come out eventually and began the journey of transitioning, a lot of the stress, depression, and dysphoria has gotten better because of it. I hope someday I'll be able to fully transition (voice surgery and bottom surgery) but at this point I'm not there yet, and probably won't be for a while since surgeries are expensive.

[-] Someone@feddit.org 7 points 2 days ago

I know that I have no choice and I kind of accepted it. Sadly this doesn't really help with me absolutely hating it. I know that it will go away, but for now it absolutely sucks.

[-] OldEggNewTricks 20 points 3 days ago

Thanks for sharing! It'll be OK. You don't need to rush.

[-] feiras 15 points 3 days ago

welcome to the tribe girl! get yourself a haj and some ice cream... it's cozy here :3

[-] sharkfucker420@lemmy.ml 12 points 3 days ago

Everything started with when I took LSD about 5 weeks ago

Classic, so many introspective journeys have started this way lol. Same way I realized I am definitely 100% autistic

[-] dandelion 7 points 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago)

Interestingly, the anti-trans activist Chloe Cole detransitioned after taking LSD:

A therapist who examined Cole said in a court filing that Cole decided to detransition during an LSD trip at 16 when she heard a female voice, telling her that she was lying to herself about being a boy, and that following this she became a Christian, and requested a Christian therapist.

The problem is that LSD (and psychedelics generally) will amplify your thoughts, whatever they are - so dysphoric thoughts while tripping can be so strong as to prompt a religious conversion and detransition experience like for Chloe. People often interpret their psychedelic experiences as revealing a fundamental truth, but the reality is that LSD doesn't reveal anything. The strength with which something is experienced as true on LSD unfortunately doesn't correspond to how true it is in reality.

[-] sharkfucker420@lemmy.ml 5 points 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago)

Oh yeah absolutely I didn't mean to imply that LSD or psychedelics in general reveal any grand truths. They just make you think about yourself from perspectives you normally couldn't and open you up to ideas you would normally reject without thought. It can be an opportunity for growth but I have also seen it turn people into paranoid shells of themselves who believe conspiracies so outlandish as to be pure fantasy.

[-] dandelion 2 points 1 day ago

oh totally, sorry - I do this thing sometimes where I see the shape of a common belief (like LSD reveals deep truth), and then I just narrowly respond to that as though that's the totality of what you were saying - that's annoying of me, sorry about that 😅

LSD is definitely a powerful tool for changing your mind and seeing from different perspectives (during one particularly dramatic, high dose trip, I even experienced telepathy and merged consciousness, though of course it's not real, it certainly felt real!!).

Anyway - thanks for your patience and kindness ❤️

[-] sharkfucker420@lemmy.ml 3 points 1 day ago* (last edited 23 hours ago)

No worries lol, I do the same thing quite often. I think I should have made that clear in my comment anyway knowing that it is a common myth that does a lot of harm.

[-] Someone@feddit.org 9 points 3 days ago

Heard that too, which was maybe a little bit a reason to why I wanted to try it (but primari;y it was because that would be the last time to try for about 2 months and my ass was impatient).

[-] LadyAutumn 10 points 3 days ago

Welcome to the ladies and femmes club :) Explore your identity at the pace that feels right for you! You're allowed to start transitioning whenever you feel ready, and you can include whoever you want to include in that. It doesn't have to be the whole world all at once. It's your identity and it's your right to come out however and whenever you feel comfortable to do so.

That being said get into it! Try clothes that you've always been curious about trying on yourself. Try all the femme coded things you've wanted to do but have always felt barred from doing, like makeup or nails or growing your hair out or whatever that means for you. Experience gender euphoria and trans joy. You deserve to feel that.

[-] squirrel 8 points 3 days ago

I can relate to your rant. So just one small note, if I may: I know how you may feel in this moment, but keep in mind that transitioning takes time. Yes, of course, there are things that can be changed quickly (new clothes, etc.), but other things take a lot of time (hormones take a while before they kick in and so do other physical changes). You do not have to be in a rush to get everything done ASAP, because it often does not work that way. So don't put yourself under a lot of pressure and be kind to yourself. At the end of the day the only thing that matters is that you feel comfortable with yourself. Godspeed, friend!

[-] gandalf_der_12te 7 points 3 days ago

:D learning about yourself is mostly a good thing, especially if you can also find the patience to accept yourself :3

[-] Lyra_Lycan 7 points 3 days ago

Grats! Welcome to the femme side ^_^ one negative note, you may have to be prepared to cut people off who do not have your best interests at heart. In my experience caring for yourself can result in moving away from others.

On a positive note, you know where the party is :3 blahaj.zone! And you can finally ditch those basic threads and invest in style and btw I strongly recommend Estrid for body shaving stuff if you need it, best razors I've ever used!

[-] Someone@feddit.org 7 points 3 days ago

you may have to be prepared to cut people off who do not have your best interests at heart.

I know. Im hoping that I can reduce this to an absolute minimum. I already know 2 people I will probably have to cut off, because they have been transphobic for quite some time now. Good thing is, that I usually only game with them, so not that big of a deal and even before realising what I Am I mostly reduced contact, since its kinda weird when their first instinct, when seeing a good looking female character in a game, is talking about how badly the would fuck her.

[-] Zorsith 6 points 3 days ago* (last edited 3 days ago)

Welcome! There are plenty of things one can do without having to "out" oneself in any way, such as hair removal/growth, trying out clothing at home you might order online, etc. There's also plenty of people here to talk to about stuff and things you might have questions about; heavily recommend reading the gender dysphoria bible, in its entirety. Not just the MtF stuff, the whole thing.

https://genderdysphoria.fyi/en/

[-] Someone@feddit.org 5 points 3 days ago

I already started it, but its waaaaaay to much to read it in a single evening. Thanks for the recommendation tho.

[-] dandelion 5 points 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago)

and once you finish the Gender Dysphoria Bible, I highly recommend reading Julia Serano, starting with Whipping Girl. These were resources that really helped me right after my egg cracked (which was roughly 1.5 years ago).

this post was submitted on 27 Mar 2025
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