[-] dandelion 3 points 11 hours ago* (last edited 11 hours ago)

hm, losing the vaginal canal is part of what is gender affirming for trans men, and the penis is small but has full sensation and could be used for penetration AFAIK. Besides, some cis men have penises of the same size.

If I were a trans man I would probably opt for this surgery because it creates a penis will full sensation...

[-] dandelion 5 points 23 hours ago

you mentioned phalloplasty, but have you considered a metoidioplasty?

[-] dandelion 1 points 1 day ago

Yes, in the absence of awareness of your situation, I make various assumptions or guesses about the situation. I had considered that your partner never asked you to not transition, but what happens I think is that all the other conversations I've had with people whose situation seemed similar to yours get conflated or generalized, and so I respond as though you are one of the many others.

This is of course a gloss, and that is unfair to you since it makes assumptions that aren't true and aren't relevant.

At some point I think I was aware of the irrelevance of my words to you and your situation - or at least aware of the likelihood of that.

I think this is part of why I said things like if I put myself in the shoes of your partner and imagined even if not asking just knowing I was a reason for someone not transitioning - it's not that I absolutely ignored that possibility, I just didn't know whether it was the most likely possibility.

So yes, assumptions were made - but part of that is because I don't wish to pry or confront, to engage directly on your circumstances is not my goal, instead I just react to what you have disclosed so that I'm being transparent about my own hang-ups, faults, reactions, and so on - partially because I think I want this feedback from you about how to be better, and for that you need to see how I'm thinking in the first place.

You are absolutely right that I made bad assumptions, and I'm sorry for that. The assumption that your partner asked you not to transition was never so "solid" or sure on my end, but I can see how it comes across that I'm thinking it anyway.

I also think there was some conflation of medical vs social transition, but this was again just a generalization or a gloss, handling each separately didn't occur to me as much in that situation, and maybe generally, for various reasons. To be honest, I think even if we split the two and talk about "social transition" and "medical transition", we are still glossing and generalizing. To be honest a lot of this is just about the economy of language and thought, I am happy to be super narrow in my concepts but I think it can be tedious to read, and overly verbose - two things I already skew towards in my writing. Not every trans person has the same "medical transition", for example, so often when I'm talking about "transition" in this context, I'm really talking about the (offensively assumed) "missing component" of HRT, even though the term otherwise implies much more (even HRT itself can designate different things, and depending on the route of administration and the dose, HRT can have dramatically different results for people and mean different things for people).

So, to continue in my thought-transparency (sorry, maybe this is not useful to you), I socially transitioned before I medically transitioned, and my own experiences certainly skew the way I think - particularly what I experienced was that social transition made my life worse in many ways and maybe wasn't the best choice, while HRT was life-saving. Truly, HRT was the most clinically relevant component of the whole transition experience as far as I can tell. Social transition for me was just a way to force myself out of the closet and prevent further refusal to transition.

In many cases of my friends who have medically transitioned the decision to medically transition was ultimately a lot less difficult than the decision to socially transition because by the time they got there they’d already experienced bigotry and yes, their lives have gotten markedly better since…

So this is pretty much my perspective too, in conflating social and medical transition I think the challenges of social transition were generalized and put together with medical transition.. So of course I agree with you on everything. Surgeries can be quite painful and difficult to get through, but at the very least I think HRT is quite wonderful, and makes life easier and better. That's the fundamental point I'm trying to get across here: it's so great, you and every other trans person should at least try it to verify whether it's also a life-saving medication or not. And again, that mindset is built on the empirical evidence we have that not doing it results in worse health outcomes and deaths while doing it alleviates those risks.

But they also do not pity me and that is the tone of what you give off here (particularly in quoting a book about a womam dealing with religious trauma and internalized homophobia) the sense that you aren’t simply empathizing or sympathizing with the aspects of my choices which are difficult but that you veiw those choices as harmful or misguided.

Oh, I didn't feel pity at all, lol - sorry, maybe that would have made sense, but you just don't know me and it makes sense you wouldn't understand. I think what I'm feeling is maybe a connection to my pre-transition self and all the sacrifices they made, basically I haven't really accepted being trans and I'm still occupying a mindset of believing what I've done is selfish and wrong, and so I basically glorify your choice to sacrifice for your partner by not medically transitioning (note here I'm making more assumptions, I have no idea if you have taken medical transition steps, maybe you just haven't had surgeries but you've been on HRT and this whole conversation is just me making really dumb assumptions). I don't feel sorry for you, I feel envious - I spent a lot of my life being "good" the way you are now, making that kind of huge sacrifice and carrying that burden. In all my self-loathing and guilt, I think I miss that - my fucked up psychology seems to feel it's much better to be a martyr than to engage in self-care. The change in that perspective has not been complete.

I do think your choice is probably self-harming, but what you miss is that I think this is maybe a good thing still. I can't help but still operate under that old logic, I am skeptical that taking care of myself this way is really justified. That said, I'm pretty sure that's just my desire for punishment and suffering, and it's probably not healthy or good - or even related to you, tbh. Sorry, I really am, I hope by being so transparent I'm helping somehow, but I worry it's just indulgent and wasting your time.

I am glad that you found happiness and comfort in your transistion. It’s obviously a great fit. Maybe rethink your approach to non-binary folx as it seems like you bring a little overmuch of your personal baggage with you.

So, I am confused, I thought this started by talking about how you use non-binary as a quick gloss of your gender, but that seemed to imply your actual identity isn't non-binary, it's just the result of this compromise you have made about transition ... was I mistaken about that?

And yeah, a lot of personal baggage comes up with the trans stuff - I am projecting like crazy, making bad assumptions, etc. but I think the fundamental message still holds. Maybe an awkward analogy would ~~make this interaction so much worse~~ help explain my perspective: imagine someone had cancer throughout their breasts, but the cancer had become dormant. Let's say there is empirical evidence that this situation could result in increased risk of dying early, maybe the body isn't as healthy with the cancer in it, maybe the cancer could come back at some point - the analogy here is the way that the "wrong" hormones in the body cause depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation, etc. - it's biochemical, the brain is altered by it. Let's say the dormant cancer messes with the body and mind too, and so you won't have the same energy, happiness, or general well-being unless the breasts and cancer are removed. It's a stretch, but we can imagine it, right? So, what I hear a lot of people saying (not just you, mind you - this is part of what's going on here, I'm interacting with lots of people in marriages who refuse to transition, socially and / or medically), is that their partner really likes their breasts, they are attracted to and attached to their breasts, and if they have their breasts removed it will be devastating to the relationship. Their partner won't be attracted to them anymore and it will spell the end of the relationship. They can't help that their partner is sexually attracted to their breasts, and so they have to choose between keeping the dormant cancer-ridden breasts and the risks and health consequences that come with it, or they can have the surgery and risk losing their relationship.

I just don't find keeping the cancerous breasts a reasonable option, ever. I think the trans issue is actually worse than the cancer, because it has to do with identity and who you are - living as someone else for a relationship is worse than just leaving dormant cancer in the body.

My view is that the only reason we think it's reasonable to keep the cancer is because we have been acculturated to believe it's wrong to transition, that it's a betrayal of the spouse, and that it's not that helpful medically. But that's just not what the empirical evidence shows.

I think this might be my struggle with black & white thinking, there are a few things going on with me. I might also feel like I had to justify my transition and that requires an extreme position, otherwise I have to admit I could have been like the Mennonite and gone the rest of my life without transitioning and I should have just toughed it out.

Anyway, my point is that I'm not trying to apply this to you as much as I'm trying to show my hang-up, I guess I'm hoping for you to complicate my view, to show me why I'm wrong. Maybe you can't do that, maybe it's wrong for me to expect or ask. Either way, that's how I think about this, and nothing you've said makes it make sense.

Of course, on the other hand I completely understand your perspective, that a partner is like your life blood, more important than even your own self. I would do the same.

[-] dandelion 13 points 1 day ago

Lily Tino generates rage bait for a living, and it's not surprising that other people are going to target her for being a toxic member of the community.

Respectability politics is a common dynamic in gay and queer politics - many people don't want to be associated with the extreme fringes that get highlighted in the popular culture, and they try to emphasize how much they're actually just like other, normal straight and cis people.

Respectability politics often leads people to gatekeep identities, e.g. binary trans people who medically transition trying to distance themselves from less understandable or acceptable identities like being non-binary.

So I think this might be the underlying mentality that motivates transmedicalists to gatekeep trans identity, and as to why people are trying to strip Lily Tino of her validity as a trans woman.

Because Lily Tino generates content intended to generate anger and hatred which then draws hatred and resentment against trans people generally, there is a desire from others to create distance and separation from her - a desperation by other trans people to not be associated with Lily Tino, and the way they do this is to strip her of her status as a member of the community.

This gatekeeping is rationalized or justified in various ways - it's not uncommon for transmedicalists or gatekeepers to point out the ways the "bad" person doesn't put enough effort into passing to call into question the authenticity of their identity.

The trans woman and right-wing Youtube influencer Blaire White did this to other trans Youtube content creators who were transfem and not as gender-conformist or passing as she was. She refused to use the correct pronouns, and cited their gender presentation as a reason for not respecting their identity and pronouns.

So the same justifications are being used with Lily Tino to strip her of her trans status.

This goes against the larger trans community's fundamental rule of respecting self-identity. This is basically a wedge issue in the trans community, with some of us believe respecting self identity is a fundamental moral principle, while others are more willing to express skepticism about identities they don't understand or don't like and wish to not be associated with.

This tension is partially because trans activism as a movement forms a big tent that holds alliances across very different groups - a non-binary person, a medically transitioned binary trans person, a drag queen, and a cross-dresser are all people under the trans umbrella but who have different needs and experiences.

Sometimes people don't feel seen or understood when an umbrella term encompasses so many disparate groups, and so it's not surprising when people desire better representation for their particular group or seek different alliances. There are some transmedicalists who believe trans people (which for them is a particular way of being trans, generally having extreme dysphoria and socially & medically transitioning to a binary identity) don't have that much in common with the rest of the LGBT+ community, and should essentially stop being associated with being queer or gay and form their own identity.

This desire to break from the LGBT+ alliance is another form of respectability politics, for some trans people queerness is not a part of their identity, especially if they medically transitioned and managed to re-integrate into cis-normative society as their target gender. They might live as a cis-passing straight person and think of their transness as an incidental medical fact about them rather than a major political identity, and for them queerness is a liability and not something they want to associate with, esp. if they have primarily straight, cis friends. Blaire White married a straight, cis man - she lives her life as a cis-passing woman, and it's not surprising then that from her position she can think of herself as not queer. She likely doesn't have queer friends and doesn't see herself as a part of that "community", which then makes it easier for her to not see the reasons for solidarity and alliance with other queers, and socially that alliance can look like a liability rather than a strength.

All this to say, Lily Tino deserves to be censured for being toxic and intentionally generating so much hatred against the trans community, but dehumanizing her by misgendering her is unacceptable and unnecessary to achieve the goal of condemning her.

I feel the same way about anti-trans activist and detransitioner Chloe Cole, refusing to respect her pronouns and identity as a detransitioner is probably tempting for some trans folks, but it goes against the principle of respecting self-identity thus against everything the trans community has been fighting for.

[-] dandelion 7 points 2 days ago

Yes, of course you're right that this is not my call.

I am aggressively in favor of medical transition in these contexts not because I dogmatically believe it's the best for everyone (I know for a fact it won't be - there are plenty of trans people who respond poorly to HRT, for example), but because so many people who would benefit and arguably need gender-affirming care do not seek it for various reasons that we would never consider reasonable for any other medical condition. I believe it's our culture's anti-trans bias that makes it so easy for trans folks to sacrifice their well-being and delay or refuse treatment.

On an epidemiological level I think this results in worse outcomes and great harm & cost for society (suicides, drug abuse, etc.). So on principle it seems like good clinical advice to suggest people with gender dysphoria take it seriously and get treatment. That doesn't mean it's simple or that you as an individual are absolutely compelled to follow that clinical advice, esp. when the costs are so high.

That said, I respect your boundary and don't feel the need to convince you, as I said it's something you have to figure out for yourself, and I have already admitted it's not always the best path in the end.

Sorry for over-stepping and creating stress, you shouldn't have to set that boundary with me and I need to think more on how to best approach providing a different perspective without coming across as too prescriptive.

[-] dandelion 4 points 2 days ago

for real, she's crushing it - I am amazed 🤩

[-] dandelion 8 points 2 days ago

Just a gentle suggestion that not physically transitioning for your partner's preferences is probably not healthy or OK, I know it's difficult and you have to figure that out yourself - but I encourage you to seek counseling and find a way to help your partner see that being trans is a genetic and medical condition that for your health and well-being you really shouldn't ignore and forego treatment on, esp. for something like their preferences. Not all trans experience is the same, but it's probable that medical transition would significantly improve your life.

Also, I hear you re non-binary and they/them being used to just make it "easier" or more understandable for people, which is so ironic considering it sounds like you would be able to conform to people's gender expectations and a binary model better if you were free to ...

Either way, I'm sorry for your situation, that's rough 🫂

[-] dandelion 7 points 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago)

I mean, there are probably things you could do to fem it up more if you wanted.

These are just suggestions, not criticisms.

Based on that photo, your lashes are very light colored, but even with my dark lashes I like to use a crimper and apply mascara whenever I go in public - you could try that out and see - it can make a big difference.

The forehead, nose, and chin also appear masculine. I use contouring makeup to diminish my nose bridge and lift my cheeks and diminish my neck and jawline.

For my forehead, I cover mine up with bangs. In general I try to direct attention to my eyes - so for example instead of a red or dark colored lipstick, I might use a light-colored pink tinted lip balm.

I can't see your eyebrows well, but having those worked on by a professional every few months and tweezing to maintain between appointments can really help fem up a face. Your hair is so light you might look at using a brow tinting brush to darken the eyebrows.

I also avoid turtle-necks because of the way they frame my neck, and certain cuts of shirts that direct the eyes to the wrong places, e.g. preferring v-necks to crew necks. I want to divert eyes away from my neck and shoulders, and towards breasts and hips. Wearing a long piece of jewelry can help with this too, as well as avoiding boxy cuts or ruffly shoulders, and avoiding anything that exposes the back.

The pattern of the clothes and the colors also make a difference in proportion and composition and the way the eye is directed.

I also think cycling my body fat has been really helpful, and I tend to have more body fat than most, which helps by giving me larger breasts and hips, and the fat on my face is distributed in a way now that is more feminine and gives a softer and rounder appearance.

Anyway, there's a ton more to discuss, but these are just some ways I tend to feminize on my own.

You don't have to feminize to be valid, but you might find it helps people see the woman you want them to see. Still, there is a kind of toxicity there - I'm not saying passing should be your priority.

[-] dandelion 17 points 2 days ago

It does seem like cis people have a particular way of "seeing" gender, and it's hard when the body or gender presentation you have conflicts with what you want people to see.

I'm rather conformist, it's very important to me to do everything I can to make my body and gender presentation match what people expect from a woman, so they see a woman. I don't really expect the average person to see a woman if I don't look like one, and I feel really awkward expecting them to think of me as and see me as a woman when I don't appear as one.

That said, I understand the frustration, esp. if you provide pronouns and the other person doesn't make an effort to respect them - at best it seems impolite and rude, at worst it seems hostile and violent.

I really hated early in transition the way I went from tolerating the wrong pronouns (in pre-transition) to feeling like no pronouns worked for me - if someone used my "preferred" pronouns (she/her) it felt like they were just being polite. (I wanted to be a woman, not be coddled in my delusions and politely referred to as a woman while nobody actually sees me as a woman.)

On the other hand, if someone used a different pronoun it felt like they were being either impolite, forgetful, or outright hostile. Before transition it was easier to just swallow the he/him and remain under the cover of being "normal" - but after transition it was like I "ruined" my gender and my gender was never "right", and no pronoun felt safe or appropriate.

After a year and a half of estrogen injections, my body has changed enough to fit within cis standards for a woman, even though I can't see it myself. The estrogen, and of course all the immense amount of work I have put into trying to pass (voice therapy, skin care routine, diet, exercise, education on fashion and makeup, etc.).

It feels weird now, like I'm no longer "trans" in the same way because I am gender conforming enough now. So instead of being overtly trans, my transness is a hidden flaw in my gender, something only a small number of people can see (usually only other trans people), and which is lying there waiting to undermine my womanhood for anyone who notices.

I don't know what your gender goals are, but I really feel for non-binary folks whose gender expressions fall outside of what is commonly accepted, it is just so hard to get "seen" correctly by people when you are trans.

[-] dandelion 10 points 2 days ago

yeahhh, the problem is people think my partner is my mom and I'm her daughter ... hence the desire to uh, avoid that

[-] dandelion 15 points 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago)

as someone who lives in the south, my personal (read: worthless) speculation about this is that in the South, gay porn is more taboo and is a "forbidden fruit", which makes it psychologically more appealing. There is a study that showed when we make something forbidden, there is a greater desire to have it and a larger physiological response upon seeing it.

So I think for bisexuals, closeted gay men, and even some curious straight men, the forbidden nature of gay porn in the South makes it more novel, compelling, and rewarding - so it makes sense to me that by making it forbidden you see increased demands.

But don't put much stock into my speculation, it's just a guess and based on almost nothing - human sexual behavior is very complex and we should be careful about the narratives we build about them.

It's easy to shit on the South, conservatives make good villains for their role in the country's reactionary politics - but ultimately the average Southern conservative voter are conservative because they lack education, are poor, are victims of religious exploitation - and so our villains are also some of the most victimized populations (even though they are victimized often from their own politics - though not exclusively).

Demands for justice can easily turn into a blood-thirst for revenge, and sometimes I think there is a little bit of that going on against closeted or conservative gay folks who work against their own interests - we hate them and we want to see them suffer, esp. from their own bad actions.

Of course it's reasonable to have resentment for the people working against LGBT+ rights, but I think sometimes what psychologically motivates us can be a little bit darker and can overcompensate - the desire for justice can sometimes be masking an underlying anger and desire for justified revenge.

ContraPoints sorta goes into this territory about blood-thirst and revenge porn in her video on Envy, if you want more on this.

Anyway, these might be some reasons to be cautious or recognize the nuance ...

[-] dandelion 21 points 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago)

honestly a lot of us are autistic and don't read the room well - I think developing social and situational awareness is an important part of avoiding situations that escalate into violence.

And also, no matter what you do, you can't always avoid or mitigate harm - if you are a victim, don't obsess about how it's your fault because you didn't learn Krav Maga, or didn't read the situation well, or didn't have pepper spray, or if you froze in the moment, etc. - the reality is that you are the victim, whatever you could have done better is irrelevant, the responsibility falls entirely on the aggressor.

And I don't recommend buying a handgun unless you have a huge amount of money and time to go to the range once a week and train for hours, have the money to pay for that range and the ammunition, and even then, the evidence we have is that having a gun increases the likelihood you are killed in an altercation (and in a trans population guns are a double liability because of suicide risk).

88
how to think like a rule (lemmy.blahaj.zone)
submitted 2 days ago by dandelion to c/onehundredninetysix

the chapter on the history of Western philosophy's view on women was particularly disturbing - in summary, women aren't people.

e.g. Aristotle thought women were naturally mutilated, deformed versions of men. Hegel compared women to plants.

The idea of women being worthy of literacy and education, let alone being a professional like a lawyer, are all shockingly recent changes.

28
submitted 2 days ago by dandelion to c/lesbians

Are there ways that you are able to signal queerness?

People keep assuming my partner and I are two straight women, and it's just awkward sometimes. I know my partner would like if people saw us as a visibly queer couple, so I was hoping for tips.

Usually I try to engage in "PDA" like holding hands or kissing in public, but even that doesn't seem to always work (I have done this and had a waiter still assume we're relatives rather than partners).

37
submitted 3 days ago* (last edited 3 days ago) by dandelion to c/trans

Preface

Hi everyone!

I am really scared of needles. When I was a child, I was scared of getting vaccinated. I was a very anxious child, and the idea of a needle going into me was terrifying, not just because of the pain but also because of the foreign object going into me. I felt overwhelmed, and so I bolted - I ran out of the pediatrician's office and into the hallway and tried to flee. Staff captured me and held me down and forcefully injected, which was extremely painful and traumatizing.

Since then, I have always had really difficult experiences with needles. They unnerve me, it's hard to think about them going into me, and it's easy for me to feel anxious anticipating any blood draws or vaccines. I have never fully fainted around needles (I have always tried my best to cope), but I have nearly fainted several times despite my best attempts.

For these reasons, it has been a life-long fear of mine that I would become dependent on a medication I have to inject.

Yet of all the options, I still chose to inject my sex hormones. There are lots of reasons why I believe this is the best method (esp. compared to oral or sublingual routes), but I wanted to share some tips and tricks for other trans folks who have fear of needles like I do so that they can be empowered to inject hormones too.

Tips and Tricks for Injecting Hormones

Location: do the injection somewhere that you will be safe if you pass out (somewhere soft and flat, for example). It helps if the place is comforting as well - free from noise, distractions, stress, etc. Do what you can to create a safe and comforting environment.

Position: when you are injecting, keep your legs propped up (when you start to faint, blood can rush to the legs and keeping them level with your heart can slow or prevent fainting). I like to sit on a couch with my back supported, and use a firm pillow under my knees so that my legs can completely relax while remaining elevated and my legs level with my heart.

Blood Pressure: to help avoid fainting, do what you can to increase your blood pressure:

  • be as cold as you can tolerate (it shunts blood to your core from your extremities and increases blood pressure)
  • drink lots of water and "overhydrate" before injecting (this also helps reduce pain)
  • if you've recently woken up or have been lying down for a long time, move around a little first and get the blood flowing - go up and down some stairs, etc.

Subq: to help with needle phobia I choose to inject subcutaneously (into fat) rather than intramuscularly. This is because subq injections can be done with a smaller gauge (not as thick) and shorter needle, so there is less pain and less anticipation of a big needle going into the body; I use 27G 1/2" needles (the grey ones) to inject and I barely feel any pain, sometimes there is literally no pain.

Draping: drape blankets over the parts of your body you're not injecting into to make it easier to forget you're injecting into your body (instead, make the injection site a foreign object, essentially dissociate from it and treat it as if it's all just mechanical, don't identify with the part you're injecting into).

Body part: inject into body parts that you don't find as disturbing to inject into; I find injecting into my belly much more distressing than injecting into my thigh (note: where you inject is constrained by the method you use, you can't just inject anywhere - I'm relying on you knowing where you can or can't inject, but figure out among those options which places are easier or harder for you mentally, if there is any difference at all).

Short break: especially when I first started injections I found it helpful to take a short break between drawing medication into the syringe and injecting; essentially this is about titrating exposure and minimizing built-up fear and anticipation. Over time I have found the need to do this has gone down, but I suggest it anyway - do something else, think about something else, don't look at needles or think about injecting at all for a few minutes after drawing up medication and before injection. (Note: don't take too long of a break, there are concerns about sterility and generally this advice would go against medical practice, but I think given the context a short break is acceptable and a helpful way to cope when you first start injecting.)

Quick jab, not slow push: when injecting subq (I don't do IM, so I can't say if this applies), pinching the fat and injecting quickly in a forceful and committed way helps avoid pain. Slowly pushing the needle in is not only more painful but much harder psychologically (it gives you time to think about it and panic), so it's better to almost surprise yourself and let your hands do the motion without having to think about it too much, and doing it quickly means you can't hype up the fear as its happening

Look away: I prefer not to look as the needle is going in, or out, and I like to keep a finger in the way of being able to see where the syringe meets the body while pushing the plunger down. Thinking about the needle in my body is part of what freaks me out and not seeing it helps reduce exposure - this may or may not apply to your needle phobia, and obviously you want to know you're injecting in the right place - so I look and orient where I want to jab first, and sometimes I try to look at more neutral parts of the syringe (i.e. not the needle) to help coordinate the injection.

Don't aspirate: subq injections of small volumes don't require aspiration (that's where you pull back a little on the plunger to see if there's blood which indicates you've accidentally hit a vein), so don't fret about whether you have hit anything.

Mental Simplicity: keep the injection mentally simple. I find it best to keep my mind elsewhere while the needle is in me, and to only think about the injection as little as is necessary to do it. Make it procedural and stay narrow-minded. Keep yourself from thinking anything beyond that simple procedure (like: OK, thrust needle in; good, now slowly increase pressure on plunger; good now slowly remove needle). Fill the gaps between steps in your mind with a distraction - I like to look out a window and take in a view, others might find music helpful. Don't think about what you shouldn't be thinking about, instead actively distract yourself with something else.

Contextualize the pain: This tip is a bit weird, but sometimes my anxiety builds up such fear around injecting I almost cannot physically do it, and in those moments I find it helpful to take a deep breath and then think about other times I have experienced much worse pain or physical trauma. Remembering those instances, and in particular how those sensations were not as bad as I would have thought and how I survived those helps put the injection into perspective: this barely registers as painful, and is causing almost no physical damage to me. Don't do this for a physical trauma that you are still disturbed by, it works best for cases where you're not distressed by the example. Most people have stubbed their toe and that hurts so much more than the injection, but you may have a better example - experiment and find what's helpful.

Reframe the needle: this mental trick might be too specific to me, there have been times where I have had things impale me by accident (like when gardening a dry reed of grass once shunted into my hand, or one time a stray sewing needle left on a bed ended up poking into my leg, etc.) - in my experience these events were not traumatizing or fainting type episodes, there was something just matter of fact and not fear-inducing about these experiences for me, so sometimes I like to pretend that I'm not pushing a needle into me, but instead I think of it like that reed of grass - a benign object, nothing to be scared of. Somehow this bypasses some of my needle phobia. I suspect it's because my needle phobia is based on medical trauma and by taking it out of the medical context in my mind I find it much easier to cope with. Depending on where your needle phobia comes from or what you are sensitive to this may or may not help (it may even make it worse, so be sensitive to your needs).

Control: finally, I would just say that my needle phobia is minimal when injecting myself now and I realized having control over the injection was important to managing and overcoming that fear. I have more needle phobia when others draw blood now than when I inject myself, and at first the relationship was inverse: injecting myself seemed so much worse than having my blood drawn. Also each injection seems easier than the last for me, and if you can successfully inject without panicking or experiencing fear or other negative emotions, having those "positive" or at least neutral injection experiences helps build a little bit of mental safety, and you want to protect that sense of safety. You may not have control over this, but for me that has meant to whatever extent I could, I try to reduce exposure to negative experiences with needles and emphasize positive experiences (and when I've had a negative experience, I try to give myself time to recover before re-exposing myself, so I didn't "spoil" the next experience as much).

Positive Associations: eat something sweet right after your injection as a way to build positive association with injections (there is actually research showing this helps, that's part of the reasoning behind having candy at pediatrician's offices). Likewise you can use fun bandaids (I use Welly bandaids) as a way to build some positive associations into your injections.

Prologue

All I can say is that injections were literally mentally impossible for me when I first started.

There were times I broke down sobbing after a particularly difficult injection.

There were times due to dissociation and distraction that I jabbed the needle in too quickly and the needle bounced in and out of me and I had to redo the injection.

There were times I sat there with the needle in hand and it took 20 - 30 minutes of mental struggle before I could get my hand to do the action of pushing the needle into me.

So I won't lie, there were some difficult moments - but overall, injecting was so much easier than I had built it up to be in my head. So many injections were easy, and shockingly I found more and more of them were pain-free.

These days I barely have to think about my injections at all - I practice none of these accommodations (except sometimes making sure I've had a little food and water if I'm injecting first thing in the morning and I'm a little woozy, just as a safety precaution). Injections are easy, and they get so much easier over time.

If you are worried about injections, I get it - but this is something you can learn to do, even with a needle phobia.

Lastly, I want to allow this to be a space for others to give their own stories and suggestions, and I want to encourage anyone who is confused or who is curious to feel free to ask me any questions they have. I'm an open book and wish to be helpful.

Thanks so much!

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submitted 4 days ago* (last edited 3 days ago) by dandelion to c/mtf

So I wanted to just disclose some of the struggles I have had with my vaginoplasty, framing it subjectively as the information I wish I had been armed with before surgery, because I haven't done the work to account for how my experiences compare to others to know whether my experiences are worth generalizing or not.

Things I wish I knew

If I could write a letter to my pre-op self before surgery, here are some tips and information I would pass along:

More Pads & Wet Wipes

I will need more pads than I realized, I packed maybe 30 - 40 overnight maxi pads because I figured for a single week that was a lot and other posts on Reddit and elsewhere mentioned that they didn't use many supplies - I needed more like 40 - 60 pads so I ended up buying a couple extra packs of 10 while at the hotel.

I also had to buy some extra wipes, I think I went through 2 - 3 containers in a week, so I had to buy 1 - 2 extra. (It has been less messy over time, but in the beginning it's a lot.)

Redundant equipment

Having a second hand mirror would have been really useful - having a mirror dedicated to the toilet station would have been nice so I could leave the other mirror as dedicated to my dilation station; I needed a mirror at the toilet to help me evaluate bleeding, help me navigate cleaning better, to observe my urine stream and so on.

Inserting the douche nozzle

Treat the douche like the dilator: use lube and a mirror to guide the douche nozzle into the vaginal canal. I did some damage and had some bleeding and made wound separation worse by trying to just guide it into me by touch alone in the shower.

Hospital staff's ignorance can be harmful

The hospital staff did not seem aware of the restrictions that come with a vaginoplasty surgery, e.g. they were unaware that after a vaginoplasty you should not sit or apply pressure to the sutures, as a result nurses put me at 90 degrees to use the bedpan, which likely contributed to wound separation later.

You have to advocate for yourself more strongly than is comfortable, and you are on your own to come up with solutions to avoid these complications caused by the hospital's negligence or ignorance.

A floating nurse from another floor won't know anything about your surgery or its details, I was variously asked to sit on the bed, to sit on a bedpan, to sit on a toilet all when my wounds were vulnerable and susceptible to wound separation - and I did have wound dehiscence as a result of complying with the hospital staff, so I wish I had known I needed to be more prepared to push back: don't sit on the bedpan, lie flat or at a 30 degree angle and try to use it that way.

Once you are not on bed rest and able to get out of bed, don't sit on the bed to get up, find your own way even if it makes the nurses uncomfortable. I had a nurse demand I sit on the bed before standing, but instead I found rolling onto my right hip bone and dangling my legs partially of the bed and then propping my upper body up slowly while sliding out of the bed avoided putting pressure on my sutures was better. This made nurses very uncomfortable because they see someone sliding out of bed like that as a liability - but don't prioritize the comfort of the nurses, do what you need to do.

Don't pee on the toilet if it's painful and difficult, I forced myself to at great cost. The nurses need to know how much you have urinated after the catheter is removed, and you are under a deadline to pee sufficiently after the catheter has been removed. They demand you measure the urine by capturing it in a little plastic insert into the toilet they want you to sit on to pee.

After my experiences of complying with this which caused bruising, inflammation, and wound separation - I recommend instead advocating for yourself and taking seriously the requirement to not sit, and opt to pee while standing, e.g. in the shower. I wished I had refused to comply, I prioritized the nurses preferences for following procedure over my own well-being and now I am in a precarious situation with regards to my wound separation, which is worsening every day and seems to be working its way deeper from the frenulum into the canal's skin graft.

Gas

I wish I had known about the post-op gas.

Before surgery, I had a balanced healthy diet with lots of vegetables and fiber and no meat. after surgery, they fed me a diet primarily of red meat, refined carbs, and sugar (think: a piece of roast, mashed potatoes, and ice cream or a juice concentrate).

Antibiotics, a mandatory fiber-restricted diet, and a diet with lots of sugars resulted in huge imbalances in my gut bacteria and I had extremely painful gas esp. starting day 2.

I don't know how to emphasize how much suffering this caused me - not only was it extremely awkward, but the had no way to escape and was more painful than any of my surgery pain was at any point to date.

I was unable to pass gas because strict bed rest meant I was lying on my back all day (usually walking around helps patients recover from post-op gas), and because of the lack of fiber and the daily dose of laxatives, every time I tried to pass gas there was diarrhea that came with it, so I had to be put on a bedpan every time I needed to pass gas. This was an exhausting affair - lifting my body onto the bedpan and then holding myself on it for 30 - 60 minutes while I tried to convince my body to actually release the gas and diarrhea was a serious physical trial.

In one day, I had to use the bedpan over 5 times, and each time was painful and put immense pressure on my surgical site, risked contaminating my wound vac, and was extremely painful.

They expect anaesthesia and the opiates to make you constipated, so they compensate by feeding you laxatives and refusing to give you fiber to try to get you to have bowel movements ASAP.

Unfortunately I am an unusual pationt: I had no problem with bowel movements, the resumed immediately and had a bowel movement within 24 hours after my surgery, so constipation was not a side effect of anaesthesia I experienced.

Furthermore, I did not have much pain so I did not take any opiates after the surgery, so I was basically given lots of laxatives for little reason and had a predictably awful time.

So I wish I had known to:

  • stop the laxatives earlier,
  • demand gas-x (simethicone) from the beginning, and
  • maybe don't go along with their food and change my diet (e.g. eating yogurt instead of ice cream and juice concentrates, and maybe incorporating some fiber against their orders, to balance the bowel movements and avoid constant diarrhea).

Sleep

When people tell you that you won't sleep in the hospital, it's not for the reasons I thought, like the hospital has lights or is noisy or is a foreign environment.

No, you're exhausted and every moment you close your eyes you will find yourself slipping into dreams - it's not hard at all to sleep in the hospital!

But you won't sleep anyway, because nurses will wake you up every few hours.

A week of being kept from sleeeping was basically like being tortured, and enduring this aspect of the hospital was maybe a little traumatizing - you are unable to heal or rest because you aren't permitted to sleep longer than 1 - 2 hours. Even when a nurse would say they would let you sleep from midnight to 4am, it was more common that the nurse schedules would get disrupted and they would come in early at 3am or come in late at 1am instead of midnight. Because my blood pressure was low (from laying in bed all day from strict bed rest), my nurses panicked and interrupted my sleep more frequently to check blood pressure more frequently on the first few nights.

Blood Pressure

I wish I had known my blood pressure will be shot from laying in bed immobile all day every day - as mentioned, the nurses will panic and fret over this, but the solution is simple - sit up when they take your blood pressure. Elevating suddenly "fixed" my blood pressure readings. The only downside is that this did apply some pressure to the sutures, since you aren't supposed to sit - but even just elevating to a 45 - 60 degree angle helps avoid the blood pressure reading too low, the pressure from the bedpan and toilet use were what caused complications, not sitting at 45 degrees - go based on how you feel, but some elevation can help the nurses leave you alone. I have never had problems with my blood pressure, and I had no symptoms or reasons to be concerned from the low blood pressure readings the nurses were getting, but the nurses think in terms of standarized procedures and are not necessarily the most rooted in reality (so it's more important to check my vitals every hour than to let me sleep, even though my blood pressure was not dangerously low and I had no symptoms and it was just from lying in bed). Basically: learn what the nurses need to check their boxes, and learn to juke those stats. Elevate to get the blood pressure reading normal, don't drink any water right before they take your temperature, etc.

Dilation education

When they teach you to dilate, do not let the doctor leave until you are able to lay eyes on your vaginal canal opening directly with a mirror and you have demonstrated you can successfully get the dilator into the canal on your own without guidance or help - you need to know exactly where to put that dilator so you can be confident when pushing it in, if you apply the pressure in the wrong place you will cause complications like wound separation. My doctor helped me successfully dilate the first time and it seemed so easy, I knew roughly where to go and how to do it, but when I went to dilate on my own a few hours later, pressing where I thought was the right place suddenly caused a lot of pain and blood to gush out. Long story short, I was probably pushing in the wrong place (too high up, to avoid the "W" stitches below that I was explictly told to avoid, but which ironically was right where the opening was), and it was hard to tell where the right place was because of the inflammation. I had to problem solve the inflammation by using ice to reduce the swelling (something at discharge I was told explicitly not to do, I have heard this undermines nerve growth?) and getting a doctor to come back and help me dilate. It took them over 24 hours to get a doctor to help me dilate, and in the meantime I attempted to dilate three times and each time caused more bleeding and physical trauma. When a doctor finally saw me, they ordered me not to dilate and packed some gauze where the bleeding was. This was one of the most distressing parts of the hospital stay, and admittedly I completely broke down from the experience. It all could have been avoided with a little more education up-front, and even after I got help with dilation again, the new doctor made the same pedagogical mistakes as the first one: they helped ease the dilator in and then I didn't know how to do it myself. They had to come back later after a second, failed dilation attempt on my own (under their supervision so they saw I was doing it all "right" but still not able to dilate), and finally I explicitly asked them to show me the vaginal canal so I knew exactly where to go. Once I laid eyes on it, I knew exactly where to go and it has been trivially easy to dilate since. Force them to show you, make sure you see it and grok it before they leave.

Things that went really well

Just to not focus too much on the negative, here were some things I wanted to highlight as going better than expected:

Lube Syringe

The lube syringe was an amazing idea - it was less messy to suck lube into a syringe and then insert it and deposit it than to try to awkwardly squeeze KY jelly onto the tip of the dilator, the syringe is a smaller diameter and was helpful for identifying the vaginal canal before committing the girth of the dilator to pressing in, and the lube on the tip of the dilator was worse at distributing the lube and lubricating the dilator than the lube deposited directly into the canal (more lube was lost from the tip when first inserting)

Support person

Having someone in the hospital with you is absolutely necessary - during strict bed rest you are extremely vulnerable. If you drop something on the floor, you cannot get it back. You might wait a while before a nurse is able to come help you. Having someone there to help is essential. I was very lucky to have someone there for me, but I'm thinking this was far more necessary than I ever realized. At one point the psychology of spending a week in strict bed rest really got to me - my bodily autonomy had shrunk to the confines of a single bed. You are at the mercy of the people around you to ensure you have water, food, and access to information or anything else you need (like sanitary wipes).

Dilation is easy!

If you ignore the extremely difficult experience of learning to dilate, once I knew how to dilate I was surprised by how easy it was - people describe dilation as painful, difficult, the worst part of the whole experience. Some people describe feeling like they spend all day on dilation: dilating itself, and preparing for it before, and cleaning up after ... but in the first week out of the hospital, I actually found dilation was easier, less painful, and took less time than I expected. I even enjoyed dilating, stragely (not like sexually, but the process of deeply relaxing my body and mind to get the dilator in me was a nice forced break in some sense, a guaranteed zen moment in my day).

Equipment lists

For dilation, I kept near me on the bed:

  • hand mirror
  • bacitracin,
  • gloves for applying bacitracin,
  • a stack of smaller blue puppy pads to be used on top of the larger puppy pad / chuck so I can replace the larger chucks less frequently
  • menstrual pads,
  • extra pairs of fresh panties
  • wet wipes,
  • dilators,
  • lube, and
  • lube syringe

Near the toilet:

  • wet wipes,
  • menstrual pads (I often replace a pad after I pee),
  • Dakin's solution (basically bleach you use to sanitize your anus after a bowel movement),
  • an extra hand mirror would have been nice

I can come back with more, but this is what I have for now.

Also, feel free to ask me anything!

147
submitted 2 weeks ago* (last edited 2 weeks ago) by dandelion to c/mtf

Here are some basic facts:

  • method was penile inversion
  • I opted for full-depth rather than a vulvoplasty
  • surgery took 3 hours, though recovery took another hour
  • I went under general anaesthesia and had to be intubated and put on a ventilator
  • I'm currently admitted in the hospital and bed bound, discharge is scheduled for Friday
  • so far pain is between 1 and 3 for me, most of the time it's between a 0 and 1.

Ask me anything!

55
submitted 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago) by dandelion to c/mtf

Things I should bring, or shouldn't bring?

What I should do before and after, or not do?

What are your experiences and sage advice (or just gripes or personal experiences you want to share)?

EDIT:

Related previous posts:

88
submitted 1 month ago by dandelion to c/WomensStuff@lazysoci.al

cross-posted from: https://lemmy.world/post/29789039

Theresa Garnett (1888 - 1966)

Thu May 17, 1888

Image


Theresa Garnett, born on this day in 1888, was a militant British suffragette whose acts of feminist rebellion included assaulting Winston Churchill with a whip, shouting "Take that in the name of the insulted women of England!"

Garnett was born in Leeds on May 17th, 1888. In 1907, she joined the Women's Social and Political Union (WSPU) after being inspired by a speech given by the feminist and later co-founder of the Australian Communist Party Adela Pankhurst.

The WSPU fought for women's suffrage in the United Kingdom and was noted for its use of direct action. Its members heckled politicians, held demonstrations and marches, broke the law to force arrests, broke windows in prominent buildings, set fire to post boxes, committed night-time arson of unoccupied houses and churches, and, when imprisoned, went on hunger strike and endured physically traumatizing force-feeding.

Garnett participated in several of these actions as a young adult, chaining herself in 1909, along with four other activists, to a statue in Parliament in protest of a law meant to prohibit disorderly conduct while Parliament was in session.

On November 14th, 1909, Garnett assaulted Winston Churchill, who instituted policies of force feeding suffragettes in prison, with a whip, striking him several times while shouting "Take that in the name of the insulted women of England!"


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submitted 1 month ago by dandelion to c/main

If my account is on Blahaj and the community I moderate is on another instance like lemmy.world, and the user is from an instance we defederate from like hexbear, I won't see the hexbear user's comments (or even their user if I search for it) from my Blahaj instance, and so I don't see a way I can moderate their comments on the lemmy.world instance I moderate.

Does this seem right? Is there any workaround?

(I guess I could make an account on the same instance as the community I moderate just for moderating that instance?)

20
submitted 1 month ago by dandelion to c/feminism@beehaw.org
54
submitted 1 month ago by dandelion to c/feminism@beehaw.org
170
submitted 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago) by dandelion to c/femcelmemes

EDIT: there are a lot of questions being asked that would be clarified by being silly enough to end up in grippysockjail yourself 😝

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submitted 1 month ago by dandelion to c/lgbtq_plus
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dandelion

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