Throwaway Account, here we go. So i think the egg finally cracked enough for me to accept, that Im trans. The thought has crossed my mind quite regularly in the past few weeks. Everything started with when I took LSD about 5 weeks ago and I was able to catch a thought that crossed my mind regarding my appreciation for female clothing (skirts etc.). It was "Acts trans, looks trans[I bought myself a skirt a few days prior to this], probably is trans". My stupid ass of course was like "Nahhhh, I dont like such thoughts i may think about this once my brain isnt fried anymore" (guess what didnt happen). Since then there was this little nagging voice in my head always asking me "Are you sure you arent trans", but I always just kept it silent saying "I will figure it out with the time", without really thinking about if the voice maybe didnt have a point. I have been back at my parents house for about 4 weeks(since the semester is now over) now and in that time i catched myself think quite regularly how much I miss wearing my skirt and such stuff. Today the egg finally cracked. The voice that I may be trans has been getting extra loud the past few days, which led to me going on YouTube today searching for how/when people realised they are trans and watching some more videos of a mtf creator. This led to an unholy quest of doomscrolling r/egg_irl and @egg_irl@lemmy.blahaj.zone and hating how much i could relate to a lot of this content. I could really feel how the barriers to acceptance fell while seeing this content. And now, im sitting here, writing this post and absolutely hating myself because I absolutely do not like this realisation and thinking about how this will change my life remembering a lot of stuff dating back years of my life and thinking to myself "You stupid idiot really thought these kind of thoughts were normal?". Additionally to the hate about why I cant just be normal like everyone else I now additionally have these very intense cravings to start transitioning. It makes life quite shit, knowing what you want, but currently nut being able to come anywhere close to it. Luckily Im currently in a position where i am quite sure, that when/if i finally come out i wont face that much (or probably little to zero) backlash over this. My family will probably not be super supportive (its not in their "nature"), but they will probably accept it. My close friend group wont have any problems at all and only roasting me with some phrases like "Remeber when I said you will turn into a femboy 2 years ago and you idiot denied that? Look what happened to you.". Only problem may be some of my friends from my hometown who are more conservative, but I guess/hope that they will be fine, since they arent really right or so, just uninformed about a lot of topics. My biggest fear would probably be my music orchestra, because there are quite a lot of older people and in my village about 50% voted for our "conservative" party (They are far right, especially in term of immigration, but dont have the balls to admit it), but to be fair a lot of these 50% are probably people who dont even know other parties exist, since theyve been voting for them the whole time. This would probably one of the hardest losses, if i had to cut ties with them, since i really like playing there and having to deal with a lot of people who dont accept me the way I am wouldnt be worth it.
Thanks for reading my vent, because I really had to get this off my chest, but currently dont have the balls to talk about this with a friend and I want to wait at least a few weeks before doing so to be sure.
Edit: Thanks everyone for the kind words. I devinetively needed this.
Interestingly, the anti-trans activist Chloe Cole detransitioned after taking LSD:
The problem is that LSD (and psychedelics generally) will amplify your thoughts, whatever they are - so dysphoric thoughts while tripping can be so strong as to prompt a religious conversion and detransition experience like for Chloe. People often interpret their psychedelic experiences as revealing a fundamental truth, but the reality is that LSD doesn't reveal anything. The strength with which something is experienced as true on LSD unfortunately doesn't correspond to how true it is in reality.
Oh yeah absolutely I didn't mean to imply that LSD or psychedelics in general reveal any grand truths. They just make you think about yourself from perspectives you normally couldn't and open you up to ideas you would normally reject without thought. It can be an opportunity for growth but I have also seen it turn people into paranoid shells of themselves who believe conspiracies so outlandish as to be pure fantasy.
oh totally, sorry - I do this thing sometimes where I see the shape of a common belief (like LSD reveals deep truth), and then I just narrowly respond to that as though that's the totality of what you were saying - that's annoying of me, sorry about that 😅
LSD is definitely a powerful tool for changing your mind and seeing from different perspectives (during one particularly dramatic, high dose trip, I even experienced telepathy and merged consciousness, though of course it's not real, it certainly felt real!!).
Anyway - thanks for your patience and kindness ❤️
No worries lol, I do the same thing quite often. I think I should have made that clear in my comment anyway knowing that it is a common myth that does a lot of harm.