It's pretty warm today, so I threw on a T-shirt and was about to head outside when I caught sight of myself in the mirror. Oh my god, the pokeys! Hmm, well a light sweater couldn't hurt. Even so, there's a definite... shape.

You guys, I think I might have boobs now <3

just did a lot of eeping, very eepy princess. US elections are coming up and we are not looking forward to that in the slightest

I have an orchi surgery date coming up in a couple months - I think I can feel scared about the commitment of it all, but on the other hand I absolutely cannot wait. I feel excited and happy, while also a bit scared and apprehensive.

Also, had a scare recently, for laser hair removal I've been using anesten (a 10% lidocaine cream) for the pain, and they were unexpectedly completely out of stock, and my own stock was running low - it seemed like I might run out before my next laser appointment.

Luckily I checked back later and was able to buy a large amount so I should be OK, but I realized I have no real back-up plan in case anesten goes out of business, and 5% lidocaine seems almost entirely useless. I guess I would reach out to my doctor and try a compounding pharmacy, but I already depend on that for a 26% cream, and I worry he won't want to send multiple prescriptions or to do it frequently enough for my needs (I have three rotating laser appointments every 5 weeks).

After an incredibly emotional and difficult couple weeks, this week was a relief. I was invited to a girl's night with pumpkin painting and nostalgic Halloween movies (Nightmare Before Christmas, Hocus Pocus, etc). Just soooo thankful to have some super supportive women in my life 🥹. I've started to feel oddly lonely around my normal friend group - queer men who are very supportive and who I love, but idk... there's just been this growing disconnect inside me lately. The way they talk, try to comfort, connect... I've been feeling guilty about it, but I feel worse ignoring my feelings and trying to force myself to be somewhere I don't want to be. Like, how does the girl at the coffee shop I visit throughout the week know exactly how to comfort me, pick me up, include me, and make me feel seen, but my long-time friends don't 😭

Oh! I've also been playing Infinity Nikki and losing it over how cute and cozy the story, world, and clothes are! Suuuper recommend it!!

it has been such a busy week, so much chaos, and not the good kind either. but two of my favorite shows are coming out weekly now so thats nice.

My one issue this week is that Im bad and I forgot to check the amount of pills I had. By the time I realized I was running out of Spiro it was too late. I filled the prescription and I'm getting it tomorrow so that's good. But I missed 2 days worth of doses. 2 pills twice a day.

Possibly a placebo effect but I do feel weird. I can't wait to start taking it again normally.

I am still taking my other pills normally like my Estradiol. And a few other things unrelated to HRT. I'm just trying to hang in there. Heres hoping it's ready on time and I can get my Spiro tomorrow.

Trying to get both my ADHD and T medication for an affordable price has been an absolute pain in the ass for these past few weeks and i dont know if ill resolve it or not.

On the bright side, I am about to start the process of changing my legal name and getting top surgery, so i'm happy about that.

College has been stressful with the workload and I'm still trying to keep my head above the water with that. I think I'm slowly starting to manage but it's a process. I've had some instances of transphobia which were very unexpected because the college I go to is a generally accepting place with a lot of queer people. Most people are okay, just a few bad apples. It doesn't affect me as much as it did before but still hurts. I've made friends that I trust and enjoy being around and who would give me the shirt off their back and that's what matters most to me. Still struggling with dysphoria sometimes but I think it will lessen as time goes by.