But maybe this is less rational and more psychological, maybe it’s just more satisfying to pass in front of a transphobe, maybe it’s more emotionally validating if the person who thinks the world is crazy for letting men into women’s restrooms sees that “man” is a woman.

Whatever you're looking for here, you won't get it. If a transphobe doesn't read you as trans, you don't get a reaction from them. If they do identity you as trans later on, or if you out yourself to them, they won't question their beliefs, they won't second guess themselves, they won't give you more legitimacy. They don't care about your appearance. They care that you're trans, and all of the bigoted stuff that they attach to that. The only difference that cis passing makes with transphobes is that it gives you a break from the directly targeted hate they bring.

The only way to buy legitimacy in the eyes of transphobes is to turn the transphobia on yourself and your community. And even that's not legitimacy, it doesn't get you off their hate list, just lower down on it.

In my experience, being around folks who talk transphobia who don't realise I'm trans just leaves me feeling dirty.

You can change minds, but not of people deep down the rabbit hole. And the folk who aren't so far down get changed by your humanity, and by the realisation that they are hurting people who don't deserve it. And you can only achieve that if they know that you're trans, and care that their words hurt.

Passing culture is awful. The desire to avoid targeted transphobia makes sense, but the sense of extra validity, of extra legitimacy we are taught to attach to being able to pass as cis is poison. It doesn't lead to anything positive. It takes time to reframe how you see chasing cis passing, and to undo the baggage that we as a community attach to it. It's ok to feel relief at not being harassed, and it's ok to deal with dysphoria if that's what you need to do. However, the idea that the opinions of transphobes (or anyone else) on your appearance is connected to your validity is something you can only benefit from by challenging.

Everyone here has said the right things already so I'll say: I'm sorry you had to sit next to someone like that :(

There will always be people who hate us for just existing. The key for not wanting validation from them is to reduce your need for external validation.

It says more about you that you still gave her the benefit of the doubt after she was wrong on almost every topic she approached. Why would her views on the lives of others be logical or cohesive? Thank you for being here and balancing out her stupid with your insight. Together we will make it.