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created a community for harmreduction purposes
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this post was submitted on 03 Mar 2024
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Timely. I have been considering resorting to (illicit) drug use lately.
I don't want to hurt my body, which I rather like as my transition progresses, I'm just tired of feeling so down all the time. As a hedonist by nature, I seek pleasures of all kinds. Being deprived of them, life has little meaning or value to me.
It's probably better if I could go socialize more (everyone tells me this), but that feels like an impossible challenge.
Sorry I'm not really going anywhere with this, just wanted to write out my thoughts on this and see how it feels to admit.
If you can afford it, try to see a therapist instead. In the long run you'll probably save money doing that rather than using illicit drugs.
I used to sh frequently when I was younger. I got put on antidepressants and I've been a lot better since. I think it'd be really beneficial for you to have even just one session with a therapist.
The thing is, I love my therapist, but we are at the phase where I am supposed to like, go socialize. Just do it. Like flipping a magic switch. But I went nowhere and could hardly stay awake the past 3 days, despite antianxiety and antidepressant meds. When they work, it's great, when they don't, it's hell. I'm in hell rn. Under a mountain of accumulating shit.
I have never been able to figure this out in 40 years. And rather than dwelling on that, and my probable future (bleak), I kinda just want a distraction tbh.
I had that same issue. My therapist wanted me to go socialize and for months I couldn't do it. I got increasingly depressed and eventually couldn't deal with it anymore and I said fuck this, I'm tired of feeling this way. So I decided that I was going to socialize in the next opportunity I got.
Idk if this happens to you, but when I'm depressed I become extremely nihilistic and that gives me a huge confidence boost. It puts me in a mindset where I feel like nothing matters, and that also temporarily gets rid of my insecurities. I would go and talk to people while in this state and I was a bit awkward at first, but eventually I got the hang of it, and I've built up a lot of confidence by doing that.
I think one of the big things for me is that for a long time I've always wanted to feel in control. Anxiety is caused by the fear of the unknown and being in control eliminates the unknown. The thing is though, you're never really going to be in control. Accepting that I am not in control and just letting go has helped me significantly. Now I feel like I'm just along for the ride that the universe is taking me on and life's been a lot more enjoyable since I made that realization.
Oh wow, no I don't get a confidence boost from depression, really it's the opposite. I start to eat away at myself, criticizing where I am, what I'm doing, who I am, etc. It's a bad cycle.
All the nihilism with none of the perks I guess lol
This part resonates the most with me. I absolutely "need" to be in control. That's part of why I always avoided drugs, even alcohol. Why I spend so much time thinking before acting. Maybe part of why I avoid people. Meeting my partner introduced a lot of spontaneity in my life, after all they are a major influence that I can't control. I started to relax my expectations, I'm not quite carefree or "along for the ride" just yet, but more flexible than I was.
As someone who's struggled with something similar, routine is a godsend. I highly recommend joining some kind of club, class, or event that's once every week or so. It's a lot easier to make yourself socialize if you get into a routine. Plus, you might meet some cool people.
Force yourself to go at least once to something interesting. Just once. If you don't like the vibe, you can zip on out of there, but you'll have made an attempt, which is much better than nothing. If you like it, then you've got something you can look forward to and is predictable.
I promise you, even if you feel meh about the people, socialization is going to help you feel better. Human brains are hardwired to be social, and will give you the happy chemical for doing it. As hard as it is, the people telling you to socialize more are right. I learned it the hard way.
Thank you. I feel like I'm at a point where I've worked really hard to learn about myself and I work really hard to engage in things and get value out of them that... Yea I'm ready to put the effort into creating routine and trying social situations that I might not like.
For sure. I have my weekly therapy appointments, one for mental health and one for voice. And the mood lift I get just from seeing a familiar face, being outside, conversing, it's remarkable... if short-lived. Once I return to my dungeon of a home, I'm down again.
Same at work, I made a friend recently and we talked every chance we got -- until I was off work and she transferred.
So I know for a fact that routine socialization helps me.
What honestly scares me off about new experiences is all the negativity I feel when comparing myself to others. Always in my mind, I can't compare, I'm just not good enough (I know, it's not true). I wish I could be social like them, beautiful like them, talented like them, belong like them.
And I'm not good with nonverbal cues and communication. I think I give the wrong vibes sometimes, and misinterpret others. I find people... very confusing.
I dunno if this'll help, but almost everyone you compare yourself to doesn't have all their shit together and are trying to figure things out too. Nobody's got a perfect life, some are just better at hiding it than others.
Also, see if you can sniff out some other neurodivergent people. My best friendships have come from neurodivergent people. Might be easier to navigate friendships that way.
That is what my therapist says. It's true, and it's rational way of looking at things.
But damn. When I think about living alone, and I see and hear so many people who live with their s/o or roommates, I don't care in how many other ways their life may be a dumpster fire. Some needs are just basic and common to practically everyone (even if they don't realize that). Just one example - my life has many... deficiencies.
I'm working on it. Tomorrow I meet a local trans woman who I might move in with as a roommate <3
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uiy, I feel like If I give you my honest opinon I might do alot of harm but I was in a very similar spot that you were a year or so ago, I used to have alot of issues socializing because I was afraid and didn't have the convidence to say the things on my mind and I couldn't process well enough
unless you are injecting highly contaminated drugs you shouldn't be doing significant damage to yourself, some stimulants have strong cardiovascular effects you should be aware of especially if you are in danger of having a stroke(like me)
something which really just helped me was taking very controlled amounts of prescription amphetamine since I have ADHD, it helped me form friendships that today I could not do without
but I want to warn you, while most drugs are not as harmful as they are depicted as in the media and so on, you don't want to reach a state where you are permanently chasing a high which you already are not able to feel anymore because you abused your substance of choice for too long, just slighly amp your life up and don't even think you can be in euphoria for the rest of your life if you just keep using
Well I've kinda managed it with alcohol. Every now and then I have a few drinks to feel better and fall asleep. And it works actually, I feel so happy and carefree. I'll sleep 7-8 hrs without waking or dreaming. Even the next day feels good. Then I don't need it again. Works for the occasional bad night. Definitely helps me in social contexts.
But yeah I see your point about addiction or chasing euphoria. I can't even imagine what other drugs are like, so I guess it's partly curiosity too. Most likely I won't try any hard drugs, I did ask my partner to bring me some cannabis products to try (gummies or edibles, not a smoker).
honestly, I would say there is some "hard drugs" I take which are alot more harmless than alcohol, I know people always think our staple drugs are safe, but trust me, I have nearly died because I swallowed a dozen caffeine pills in an manic-episode
my reason for saying amphetamine made me friendships is that it makes me feel more like myself, I can think better not worse, Im confident and enpathic, it quite honestly seams like the reason Im not alone currently
don't know about cannabis as it has not worked for me this far regardless of how fat the joints I smoke are, but I think that sounds like a good and safe idea!