CW: transphobic boomers. This is going to be a rambling mess. Sorry
So I've definitely had some form of gender dysphoria for as long as I can remember. It's usually manifested as relatively mild things like having significantly more female friends than male friends, choosing female video game characters, and liking more traditionally female hobbies like baking fancy cupcakes. But I never really "acted like a girl" or dressed up and have absolutely no interest in makeup or clothing.
I'm also very much into girls so I never really gave gender much thought. That being said I was always very envious of my lesbian friends because I'm of the opinion that there's nothing more beautiful than two women in love. Although I mostly had bi girlfriends so maybe I give off certain signals.
Now when I mentioned choosing female characters, I mean exclusively. The only male character I've chosen was my avatar on stardew valley and then only because my SO wanted to play with me as me. And to be honest I never saw myself as a girl/woman, I just really wanted to be sometimes. I'm given to understand that when most guys look in the mirror they think things like "I'd look better if I got shredded, or grew a beard whereas I was always more of the opinion that big pillowy tits, thick thighs and an ass so big you can see it from the front would definitely be better.
And then there's all the ways testosterone fucks up my life. I'm constantly angry over nothing and it makes me hate myself. As well as feeling like a bono on crack the whole time. I just want to talk to my friends without constantly daydreaming of ploughing them.
So all that has been building for some time but recently I discovered that an acquaintance from highschool had gone through a transition since we lost touch, and she was living her best life in the fullest sense of the term. I found out because my mother had saved a clipping from a newspaper talking about her novel being nominated for a prize. Not because she thought I would want to know that one of my classmates was successful, but because she thought it was hilarious that someone I knew had transitioned (my mother is a toxic woman). These sentiments were echoed by my father (another deeply flawed individual). But in spite of their obvious amusement, I felt nothing but admiration towards her. She had done this big thing and done it in a rural community. I wish I had the ovaries to do that. So I decided I'd buy her book since my parents had advertised it so effectively.
So recently I was sitting at my desk in my shitty office doing my shitty job and I was brought to the verge of tears by the realisation that being a man was something I never wanted and was making me deeply unhappy. I haven't been happy in as long as I remember. I realised that the first half of my life had gone by and I'd not enjoyed it. It was actually reading through the posts on blåhaj that told me why.
The issue is that I have built a life around my male self. And while it's humble, I don't want to loose everything. I'm sure my partner and kids would be fine with it, but I'm also sure that some degree of prejudice would also follow them if I embraced my true identity. I desperately want to do hrt but I'm apprehensive.
Thoughts?