Hey y'all. Just wanted to vent a bit. I've been feeling really down lately, mostly because lately it feels like no matter what I do or how hard I try I can't seem to make people understand me. It doesn't really seem to matter if I'm talking to another neurodivergent person or not, people just assume they know what I'm saying and run with it. It just keeps happening and it's been creating more and more conflict at work, with my friends, with random people I have to deal with day to day. I feel so much like a fucking alien lately, like I'm speaking some language that no one around me understands but thinks they do. I had a meltdown the other day at a work friend who just could not stop for half a second to listen to what I was saying. I don't know if it's something I'm doing, I'm sure people will read this and assume that it is. At this point it doesn't even matter it just feels so pointless to even try. I want to cry with how badly I want someone to just listen to what I'm saying and try to actually understand. Like literally that's all I want, but it never seems to happen these days. I feel like it's going to cost me my job and friends. I feel like I'm going to lose everything and have to start my life over again somewhere else. I see how this is really a me problem. It's not fair but the burden is on me to make people understand what I'm saying. I see how my lack of energy and motivation to do so is making it impossible for me. I want to put forth the effort but I just have nothing left. I fucking hate myself for that, even knowing it's not really my fault. Thanks for reading if you got this far. This was stream of consciousness.

I'm in my early 30s, been on HRT for a few months now (boobs growing yay), and I work with another trans woman, late 20s fully transitioned years ago. We work together and have hung out outside work several times, and I can't escape the fact that I'm getting feelings for her. This has been building for me for the past couple years, but we've worked together for at least 3. The situation is complicated because we work together and I don't want to do anything to compromise our working relationship/friendship, which has been really good. She's also married (her wife is a trans woman), poly, and ace. I love being around her and talking to her. I want to get to know her better and be physically affectionate with one another. Sex is pretty much off the table and not something I seem to want from her anyway. Mostly I just want to hold her and tell her how much she means to me. There's a part of me that really wants to tell her how I feel about her, but there's a much larger part that doesn't. I'm terrified of learning that my feelings are unwelcome, that just expressing my feelings will end our relationship. So far I haven't said anything, or even hinted anything, but it hurts so much to want to be closer and to hold myself back from taking a chance. I know that this is probably the worst time in my life to try, having only started transitioning a few months ago and only recently being finally done with a (messy) previous relationship. I just don't know if I can carry on with things the way they are. Obviously the answer is to enjoy being friends with this woman I care so much about. Maybe something will change in the future. Maybe nothing will. Either would be better than losing her now. But knowing that doesn't really change how I feel...

Idk what I'm expecting to get out of posting this. I guess I just wanted someone to listen. I don't really have anyone in my life right now who I think would understand. Thanks for reading. Happy to hear any thoughts y'all would like to share.

If there were no restrictions other than physics and you could have any body you want. Like four arms, elf ears, snake lower body, double vagina, whatever you want. I've been thinking about how I want to change my body a lot lately and it's got me wondering what people would want if they could really choose. Look like a specific celebrity? Be a real life anime girl? Be an amorphous shifting mass as free-form as thought? Be a giant space station? I just keep wondering what bodes we would choose if we really had the choice.

So excited to be on the road again.

I'm trying to find somewhere to store my sperm for fertility preservation before I start estrogen. Anyone got any recommendations in or near the bay area?

I just started HRT a couple weeks ago and I've noticed that my nose is the clearest it's been in my adult life. I always used to have some resistance when breathing through my nose and I had a perpetually runny nose, but basically the day after starting HRT it was much better and I even sound less nasally when I talk. I was just wondering if anyone else noticed something similar. I'm doing estradiol injections and oral progesterone.

I keep thinking about the experience of feeling body envy towards cis women. Since I cracked my egg I've started to notice I have two distinct sets of feelings towards cis women, which can sometimes overlap, one being romantic/sexual desire and the other being envy for their body and femininity. I think for a long time I conflated those feelings and thought I felt sexual desire towards women who really I just wanted to be, and at other yet more unfortunate times didn't recognize my sexual desire for someone as such due to the lack of envy. It's made me wonder how much of my sexual life and awakening has been colored by my desire to be the women I thought I just wanted to bone. Definitely some at least.