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[-] SuDmit 1 points 5 days ago
[-] ininewcrow@lemmy.ca 114 points 1 week ago

My favourite theory of the rapture

It already happened .... no one noticed because no one was taken up.

[-] Ryktes@lemmy.world 35 points 1 week ago

Isn't the rapture supposed to be like... the first step of the apocalypse? Cause I'm lookin around at the state of things right now and uh....

[-] MeatPilot@lemmy.world 15 points 1 week ago

Yup, the skull fucking imps will be a part of the first wave of demons. Should get used to wearing helmets now to protect your skull.

[-] Mediocre_Bard@lemmy.world 2 points 6 days ago

How can I make my skussy more appealing to the imps?

[-] MeatPilot@lemmy.world 2 points 6 days ago

Don't wear a hat and keep your ears clean.

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[-] FreshParsnip@lemmy.ca 20 points 1 week ago

Or so few people were taken up that it just amounted to a few missing person's cases

[-] ivanafterall@lemmy.world 11 points 1 week ago

It's all the missing prostitutes from around the world, which is either heartwarming or horrifying depending on your level of trust in theoretical God.

[-] MNByChoice@midwest.social 16 points 1 week ago

With a hard cap of 144,000 in Heaven, the rapture happened already.

[-] supersquirrel@sopuli.xyz 49 points 1 week ago

HECK YES LETS GET RAPTORED AF

reads closer

Wait what?

raptor sauce

https://www.artstation.com/artwork/qYY5L

[-] RedSeries 40 points 1 week ago

I got raptured but forgot I left the oven on so I came back and now they won't let me back in.

[-] Asafum@feddit.nl 8 points 1 week ago

(in a booming voice from the sky)

"Sorry, the bus already left and I didn't have enough money to pay for a second trip. Try again next rapture."

[-] T00l_shed@lemmy.world 25 points 1 week ago* (last edited 1 week ago)

I missed something were we supposed to be raptured today?

[-] IndridCold@lemmy.ca 25 points 1 week ago
[-] T00l_shed@lemmy.world 17 points 1 week ago

Fuck... I had it in my calendar for next Tuesday

[-] IndridCold@lemmy.ca 10 points 1 week ago

On the plus side, you can feed my cat now.

[-] T00l_shed@lemmy.world 5 points 1 week ago
[-] IndridCold@lemmy.ca 7 points 1 week ago

His name is Bitey. He's very sweet but don't get your face too close.

[-] T00l_shed@lemmy.world 4 points 1 week ago

I wanted extra facial piercings

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[-] prole 15 points 1 week ago

I wish... Would probably solve the American fascism problem overnight when all the Christians vanish

[-] DragonTypeWyvern@midwest.social 6 points 1 week ago

Okay but then the real Christians are gone and all that's left are the Christofascists

[-] prole 5 points 1 week ago

I hate to break it to you...

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[-] icelimit@lemmy.ml 5 points 1 week ago

What would their excuse then be?

[-] Confused_Emus@lemmy.dbzer0.com 5 points 1 week ago

God selected them to prepare the earth for Christ’s return after the years of tribulation. Or some bullshit like that.

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[-] Valmond@lemmy.world 5 points 1 week ago

There is some wild pastor (from south Africa?) who "dreamt that jesus is coming. Soon." Apparently it's tomorrow to thursday. And then there is some sort of tribulation for 3.5 or 7 years or whatever.

There is going to be lots of people "disappearing" during those two days, according to all this bullshit.

I can't wait 🥱😴

[-] Confused_Emus@lemmy.dbzer0.com 7 points 1 week ago* (last edited 1 week ago)

Occurring over a couple of days? Guess that finally answers my question on whether the rapture would happen planet-wide all at once, or go by time zones.

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[-] ericatty@infosec.pub 5 points 1 week ago

Maybe you, but definitely not me.

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[-] Tollana1234567@lemmy.today 17 points 1 week ago* (last edited 1 week ago)

evangelicals obsession with the raptures, when they havnt done any good in society.

[-] UltraGiGaGigantic@lemmy.ml 5 points 1 week ago

They said sorry to their imaginary friend for all the bad things they always do. One heaven please! 🙏

[-] niktemadur@lemmy.world 5 points 1 week ago* (last edited 1 week ago)

Then every time the rapture doesn't happen, it's like these people have an integrated Memory Reset Button, so they don't have to PUSH and modify their beliefs and superstitions, I mean... god forbid, that would require... (shudder)... making an effort. And we can't have THAT, now can we?

[-] IndridCold@lemmy.ca 15 points 1 week ago* (last edited 1 week ago)

I got raptured but I was hung up on my bedsheets and just floated in the bedroom for 20 minutes. I guess I'll have to catch the next one.

[-] MeatPilot@lemmy.world 8 points 1 week ago

Ah that sucks! I got halfway up and my beam started sputtering, letting me go a little, and struggling to pull me up again. An angel flew down to warn me there could only be one person per beam due to weight constraints and realized it was just me.

They slowly lowered me back down, stuttering the whole way. Dropped me the last 5ft, than I heard a booming voice from the sky say "No fatties".

[-] jimmux@programming.dev 5 points 1 week ago

It sucks that the beams were calibrated for the average human body weight 2000 years ago. Apparently they weren't kidding when they made gluttony a sin.

[-] frezik 9 points 1 week ago

Can we circle back and reschedule the rapture for next week? Carrie is on vacation and we need her input.

[-] ShaggySnacks@lemmy.myserv.one 9 points 1 week ago

I remember being sucked up a beam of light and two ~~aliens~~ angels welcomed me. Then I woke up in my bed with no memory. Was I raptured?

[-] IndridCold@lemmy.ca 11 points 1 week ago
[-] ininewcrow@lemmy.ca 10 points 1 week ago

They felt the power of the Lord inside them

[-] ShaggySnacks@lemmy.myserv.one 7 points 1 week ago

A little tender however I had spicy food last night.

[-] bigbabybilly@lemmy.world 8 points 1 week ago

Skipped over again. Thank god.

[-] grasshopper_mouse@lemmy.world 8 points 1 week ago

I was very disappointed at the gym this morning when I realized I didn't have it all to myself.

[-] random_character_a@lemmy.world 7 points 1 week ago

I just ruptured.

[-] mathemachristian 7 points 1 week ago

I don't think I w

[-] FreshParsnip@lemmy.ca 7 points 1 week ago* (last edited 1 week ago)

It would be good if all the hypocrites who preach about how christlike they are would go away

[-] MNByChoice@midwest.social 4 points 1 week ago

They all are disqualified for praying in public. Shouldn't have done that.

Also, presuming to tell God what is what, and vanity.

[-] ICastFist@programming.dev 6 points 1 week ago

I'm at work, so I probably got sent to hell

[-] BarneyPiccolo@lemmy.today 6 points 1 week ago

I hope it's a lot of them. Religious psychos are a scourge on humanity. The fewer the better.

[-] Blackmist@feddit.uk 5 points 1 week ago

Me.

...

I got better.

[-] cowfodder@lemmy.world 5 points 1 week ago

Technically not supposed to happen until the horns sound in Jerusalem, which will happen at sundown. I think we have a little bit longer before we can really mock these morons.

[-] Corporal_Punishment@feddit.uk 4 points 1 week ago

Shit, I missed it. I guess I'm stuck here now

[-] ivanafterall@lemmy.world 3 points 1 week ago
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this post was submitted on 23 Sep 2025
264 points (100.0% liked)

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