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submitted 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago) by HellsBelle@sh.itjust.works to c/world@lemmy.world

To this day, she remembers the racing thoughts, the instant nausea, the hairs prickling up on her legs, the sweaty palms. She had shared a photograph of herself in her underwear with a boy she trusted and, very soon, it had been sent around the school and across her small home town, Aberystwyth, Wales. She became a local celebrity for all the wrong reasons. Younger kids would approach her laughing and ask for a hug. Members of the men’s football team saw it – and one showed someone who knew Davies’s nan, so that’s how her family found out.

Her book, No One Wants to See Your D*ck, takes a deep dive into the negatives. It covers Davies’s experiences in the digital world – that includes cyberflashing such as all those unsolicited dick pics – as well as the widespread use of her images on pornography sites, escort services, dating apps, sex chats (“Ready for Rape? Role play now!” with her picture alongside it). However, the book also shines a light on the dark online men’s spaces, what they’re saying, the “games” they’re playing. “I wanted to show the reality of what men are doing,” says Davies. “People will say: ‘It’s not all men’ and no, it isn’t, but it also isn’t a small number of weirdos on the dark web in their mum’s basements. These are forums with millions of members on mainstream sites such as Reddit, Discord and 4chan. These are men writing about their wives, their mums, their mate’s daughter, exchanging images, sharing women’s names, socials and contact details, and no one – not one man – is calling them out. They’re patting each other on the back.”

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[-] FireRetardant@lemmy.world 228 points 2 months ago

I think part of why she didn't seen men fighting some of the shitty stuff online is due to the echochamber effect of those communities. Any resistance is downvoted, dogpiled with hateful comments, and maybe even removed by a biased mod. A lot of the good men who would defend in those comments don't even browse those specific forums because of how toxic and shitty they can be.

[-] Thedogdrinkscoffee@lemmy.ca 126 points 2 months ago

The good men aren't there and don't even know what's going on. I've used Reddit and Lemmy but have blocked the NSFW/NSFL stuff. There is no opportunity to denounce or report because I remain deliberately blissfully ignorant.

[-] sudneo@lemm.ee 92 points 2 months ago

Also why would I ever recognize a space like that and not run away. "Calling out" is still participation, and why would I want to participate (incl. from the legal perspective). I have the moral obligation to do that because...I am man? As if being a man was being part of a club.

[-] Glide@lemmy.ca 25 points 2 months ago

I believe we (as in, people) all have a responsibility to hold each other accountable. But we can also only do so much, and inserting yourself into a toxic community founded for the sole goal of normalizing that toxicity in some misguided attempt to reform such people is beyond what any one person can be expected to engage with.

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[-] pohart@programming.dev 29 points 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago)

You're absolutely right, but haven't I read that they're learning to lie about their presence in the manophere? So if it's, say 10% who actively think and act that way, plus 15% passively subject themselves to it without going all in, but who aren't really judging, that's 1/4 guys who I wouldn't risk a relationship with, many of whom are actively hiding their positions. I can see why it wouldn't be worth it to date any man. Especially for someone with her experiences.

And my IRL impression is that it's way more guys than 15% who intentionally expose themselves to it, and slightly more than 10% who fully buy into the misogyny.

[-] FireRetardant@lemmy.world 32 points 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago)

I agree, and in my opinion, women and partners in general need to get better at leaving piece of shit men (or shitty partners in general). Many of them keep acting like this cause they get away with it after some small talk and a nice dinner just to be a piece of shit again next week. I've known girls who date men who genuinely claim that women shouldn't be allowed to vote and all i can think is "why is this girl staying with someone who hates them?"

[-] LandedGentry@lemmy.zip 27 points 2 months ago* (last edited 1 month ago)
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[-] mr_jawa@lemmy.world 19 points 2 months ago

These women don’t leave because these men are narcissistic assholes who have destroyed their self-esteem and made them think they are worthless and won’t find anything better and can’t live on their own.

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[-] ZombiFrancis@sh.itjust.works 20 points 2 months ago

Additionally, those kinds of shitbags routinely get tossed out of respectable places. What brings the manosphere, and things like it, together is usually a shared experience of rejection and isolation.

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[-] Corkyskog@sh.itjust.works 202 points 2 months ago

Any decent man who has spent enough time in locker rooms understands that ~30% of men are shitty people and of those, somewhere around half are probably violent.

Once you have a daughter or put youraself in womens shoes, you realize how terrifying those odds are for women trying to navigate this world.

[-] lazynooblet@lazysoci.al 69 points 2 months ago

This is why when my daughter announced she was gay, I was absolutely thrilled. She gets to go on this new journey with the part of humanity that 1) can't cause a teen pregnancy and 2) much less abusive

[-] Mniot@programming.dev 71 points 2 months ago

Though, do be careful because there are abusive same-sex relationships and sometimes it's even harder to get away because the people around you are telling you "but women can't be abusers!"

[-] TheCriticalMember@aussie.zone 36 points 2 months ago

OMG I've witnessed so many abusive lesbian relationships. Women can be straight up psychos too, and are often a lot more calculated about it.

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[-] Lucky_777@lemmy.world 33 points 2 months ago

This is 100% correct. I have 4 daughters myself and an amazing wife. I see it almost daily. In the current landscape, it's even harder. My older female family members don't even care. They "got theirs" and could give a shit about women growing up in this world.

I will always defend women, and I patiently wait for the day a woman in my presence gets disrespected by some Chad, Andrew Tate loving motherfucker.

I'm here for all my human sisters, as we should all be equal on this planet. Fuck these men with no morals and no human equality compass. Scared of something they don't understand or what incels tell them to act like. Its madness and makes me sick.

[-] drascus@sh.itjust.works 26 points 2 months ago

God I hate that you are right. I only have like one male friend because I legit had to distance myself from ao many other male friends who were just horrible people and I couldn't stand to listen to them anymore.

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[-] Olgratin_Magmatoe@slrpnk.net 105 points 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago)

These are forums with millions of members on mainstream sites such as Reddit, Discord and 4chan. These are men writing about their wives, their mums, their mate’s daughter, exchanging images, sharing women’s names, socials and contact details, and no one – not one man – is calling them out. They’re patting each other on the back.

I suspect there is some amount of survivorship bias type thing going on here. The type of men to hang out in such places are the type that enjoy it, and as such would never call out such behavior. The men that don't enjoy such will tend not to come across such content in the first place.

So the first group just doesn't care, the second doesn’t see it in the first place.

There is also probably some degree of the second group of men acknowledging that trying to call out such behavior won't go very far. If you said "hey don't share this woman's pics" on 4chan, you're going to immediately get laughed at, ignored, and probably called a bunch of slurs. And then they'll keep on doing it because you told them not to. And that's in no small part because these places are puedo anonymous.

Men can't get away with such behavior as easily outside of the internet. Calling them out in real life is far more likely to go somewhere. However ther are caveats. Again comes the survivorship bias thing I mentioned. But worse, if done in real life and calling out that behavior backfires, it becomes a teaching moment. "Don't tell other men to behave decent or they'll ostracize and harass you".

It's a fucked up situation all around.

[-] SoloCritical@lemm.ee 80 points 2 months ago

Let’s not forget that the people that call out said behavior get banned and their comments deleted.. you can’t authentically claim nobody calls them out because you don’t actually know if anyone is or not.. because ban.

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[-] lightnsfw@reddthat.com 29 points 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago)

I think so to. I've seen a lot of pornography and never encountered a community like that. I think the vast majority of dudes are just skimming the surface and never get into communities about it. Most of the guys i know would think doing so was weird. I had a couple dudes try to show me pictures their girlfriends sent them in the past but I did call them out for that.

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[-] w3dd1e@lemm.ee 58 points 2 months ago

I know a lot of guys in the comments are saying they don’t see it so they don’t have the opportunity to call it out. And some of those guys are making good points! These communities probably don’t interact much with men that treat women with respect.

But I also wonder how much of that stuff happens and they don’t realize it’s harmful to women. Obviously sharing photos isn’t okay so that’s an easy one to call out.

It’s not a man’s fault that he doesn’t see it, necessarily. You don’t have the same experiences as women and it just doesn’t occur to you as often. Women are on alert 24/7.

Kinda like that thing about the number of guys who feel safe walking to their car at night vs the number of women. (I know some men are anxious in that scenario too, but nearly ALL women are.)

When I was an elementary school aged kid, I was afraid to play outside at my grandmas house because a man drove by yelling cat calls. This actually happened a couple times growing up.

At 14, a random man followed me home from school.

In my college there was a flyer in the restroom about how something like 1 in 6 women will experience sexual assault or rape. But really that’s just the number reported.

Every single woman I know has experienced sexual assault or rape of some kind. (I didn’t ask my coworkers to be fair).

That’s bonkers.

But I do appreciate those of you that are trying to be better! The comments here are reassuring and give hope for the future!

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[-] N0body@lemmy.dbzer0.com 57 points 2 months ago

Davies was contacted by seven men over seven days who had all been scammed or catfished by seven different fake accounts that were using her images. She wrote an Instagram post to warn others and a BBC journalist got in touch, leading to her first documentary When Nudes Are Stolen. This was life-changing. “It was the first time that I had sat down with campaigners and experts who laid all those images out and said that what happened to me wasn’t OK,” she says. “No one had ever said that before. No one had ever said: ‘It wasn’t your fault.’ It was such a moment for me. It lifted the weight off my shoulders.”

Good Lord, that’s depressing. When people take advantage of you, it’s not your fault. What is this world doing to people?

[-] CanadaPlus@lemmy.sdf.org 43 points 2 months ago

Pro tip - I'll absolutely snitch on the guys I know that you probably shouldn't date. Maybe you have a male friend that's the same.

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[-] the_q@lemm.ee 41 points 2 months ago

There are some pretty awful takes in these replies. It seems a fair number of men here at least vacation near the "manosphere".

[-] Warl0k3@lemmy.world 21 points 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago)

Yeah right now Lemmy is a niche appeal social media site with a minor technical barrier to entry, so it's basically the ideal environment for toxic users to spawn. World is getting better as more regular-human users are driven off reddit, and there's obviously blahaj and similar instances, but yeah it's pretty rough here. Lots of "Anyone who'd choose the bear over me is just an idiot, I'd never completely miss the point like a bear would" types.

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[-] mr_jawa@lemmy.world 38 points 2 months ago

As a middle-aged man, I agree that there are some completely shitty men (loosely) out there. A real man should be compassionate, caring, protective when wanted, supportive when needed, and should never do the absolute scum things this poor woman experienced. This is on fathers (mostly) and mothers to teach their sons what it means to be respectful to everyone around them, not just women but men as well. Fathers need to model the behavior so their sons don’t grow up to be terrible humans. It is on parents to address online safety. It’s uncomfortable to do this but really, really needed. As far as the man sex culture, I’m not sure that is a fair statement. That would be like saying a woman sex culture. From what I’ve seen in my life, you will always be proven wrong if you stereotype anything about any perceived group of people.

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[-] T00l_shed@lemmy.world 35 points 2 months ago

If anyone is unsure why women would chose the bear...

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[-] F_OFF_Reddit@lemmy.world 33 points 2 months ago

Sending unwarranted dick picks should get you a sizeable fine, maybe 600 bucks and a 2 year registry in a sex offender list.

Give you a choice to stop fucking up and if you escalate and keep doing it then things get worse for oyu.

[-] rumba@lemmy.zip 21 points 2 months ago

Unsolicited naked pics have no place in society. We're not talking porn here, we're talking Joe sending a picture of his schlong to Mary like she is going to be ohh yeah let's do that.

People with that mindset are seriously damaging other people. They're the reason women are afraid to go on walks at dusk.

The penalty for that deserves some staying power. You're on the list; to get off the list, you need counseling and a psych eval. I'd go so far as to say mandatory house arrest until you get the counseling and eval.

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[-] damdy@lemm.ee 32 points 2 months ago

I feel like I'm in a different universe to most people. Only chance I get to call anyone out for anything is littering and playing music loudly in public. Honestly feels like confirmation bias, but I'm sure I'm wrong.

[-] CanadaPlus@lemmy.sdf.org 23 points 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago)

I mean, if you went to 4chan you could presumably call out more, but it'd be kind of like yelling into a hurricane. Toxicity is self-concentrating in really anonymous online spaces.

IRL bigots tend to hide their shit from non-target non-bigots.

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[-] Alaknar@lemm.ee 28 points 2 months ago

the hairs prickling up on her legs

Some incel somewhere: "WTF IS THIS WOKE BULLSHIT!?!?!?!"

[-] randomname@sh.itjust.works 25 points 2 months ago

99% of men are disgusted by this type of thing, but with billions of people and instant communication. this type of thing is bound to pop up. and because normal people aren't looking at this type of thing, they're echo chambers of degeneracy. but it really bothers me when people use sex based generalizations for things like this. millions of people isn't very much on a global scale.

[-] floofloof@lemmy.ca 32 points 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago)

I think it is more widespread than you imagine. If admiration for Andrew Tate is an indicator of seriously misogynistic attitudes, then the statistics (for the UK) are quite shocking:

Nearly a quarter (23%) of 15-16-year-old boys have a positive view of Andrew Tate compared to only 10% of girls at this age.

Furthermore, one-third of dads (32%) view Andrew Tate favourably compared to 10% of mums. This positive view is even higher among young dads: 52% of 25-34-year-old dads compared to 19% of mums.

Additionally, 49% of 25-34-year-old dads believe their child has a positive view of Andrew Tate.

Source: https://www.internetmatters.org/hub/research/research-into-online-misogyny-and-image-based-abuse/

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[-] Whateley@lemm.ee 25 points 2 months ago

This is what happens when you let your son's role models be sociopathic pieces of shit like the Tate brothers, Fresh and Fit, and the assorted fucking losers on Youtube who still use "SJW" like it's 2015.

[-] pulido@lemmings.world 19 points 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago)

I dunno, huge leopards ate my face vibes from people like this.

They keep putting their faith in shitty males then act all surprised when the males turn out to be shit.

I'd wager all the good males in her life were too "dorky" or "unpopular" for her to give them the time of day.

[-] NotSteve_@lemmy.ca 41 points 2 months ago

Yeah how dare she get her personal photos spread across the internet and get sexually harassed!

This is the most incel take and just kind of proves her point

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[-] ahornsirup@feddit.org 35 points 2 months ago

Nice victim-blaming, creep.

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[-] AmidFuror@fedia.io 21 points 2 months ago

That last paragraph in particular reads like a parody of incel thought.

You may be a "nice guy" if...

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this post was submitted on 30 Apr 2025
634 points (100.0% liked)

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