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Every time this happens, I am reminded of this Pulitzer prize-winning article.
It can happen to anyone, but a large majority will never believe that. It's a heart-rending situation.
Ah that article, that scared me shitless when I first read it while my wife was pregnant. A single "oops" that really doesn't just fuck a person up, it ruins their entire life.
“Death by hyperthermia” is the official designation. When it happens to young children, the facts are often the same: An otherwise loving and attentive parent one day gets busy, or distracted, or upset, or confused by a change in his or her daily routine, and just... forgets a child is in the car. It happens that way somewhere in the United States 15 to 25 times a year, parceled out through the spring, summer and early fall. The season is almost upon us.
If you ever accidentally left food in the microwave for a few hours, this could be you with children.
Anyways here's the archive org link since the primary link is paywalled.
Thinks back to the time I made a giant russet baked potato and forgot about it until the same time the next day when I reheated something from the fridge and wondered why it was still cold after several minutes on high… only to find the dried remains of a flayed potato hiding underneath a paper towel. I set the second plate on top of it without even realizing it was still in there.
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One of the many reasons I will not be having children. I forget my tea steeping like 80% of the time. I don't need a life in my hands
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Having gone through what is essentially sleep deprivation torture when raising twins, I believe this and the guilt would be unimaginable.
A friend was taking a walk with her daughter, she called her from the other side of the street. She didn't see the car coming though. The daughter ran over the street and was killed by the car.
She couldn't see the car, because the parked cars were bigger and blocked the view.
An unfortunate accident, but she never got over it. It's been 30 years, but she's as devastated as before.
The daughter only crossed the street, because the she called her. This broke her.
You would not believe the downvotes I've gotten for saying this exact thing. I'm not a parent, but I do take the time to really consider what having to care for an infant would be like. I have been sleep deprived (edit: though, nowhere near the level of a new parent) so I perfectly understand how you could unintentionally cause the death of your kid. I think the hypothetical I gave was something like
You're out running errands with the baby on your day off while the spouse is at work. You got maybe 4 hours of sleep between getting up to feed and change, and you're lifting and carrying and running around all day. You stop home to drop off some shopping, you even leave the car running because you'll be right out. Quick plop on the couch just to rest your legs and back, and then suddenly it's five hours later and you start awake remembering you left the car running... and the baby in the car.
I know the terror I feel from that little hypothetical, I can't believe it doesn't hit close to home with actual parents too. And then, to be held socially - even if not legally - liable on top of your own guilt... an awful, horrible, soul-chilling situation to contemplate. I wish there were more compassion for new parents, I'd bet it's more common than we think that parents' bodies just shut down from the strain.
I thought I understood the sleep deprivation until I became a dad. The part most people don't account for is the chronic nature of it. It's not 1 night, or even a few, it's weeks and months of it. It's also combined with having your hormones thrown for a loop (yes, men too!). It jams your brain in ways you would never expect.
It's so easy to screw up that badly that I'm amazed at how infrequent it actually is.
I am actually in my big sleep deprivation peak with the second one, and I thought I knew better after the first one, but there is just no breaks.
6:30 am to 8:00 pm every single day of the week, and then trying to catch up the house chores and anything we've missed during the weekend.
Then, people have the gall to tell me I should be all fresh when I have one morning in months where I don't have to wake up at 6:30. Motherfucker, I haven't really slept a full night in months, it's not one night that will fix it all.
Modern society isn't compatible with parenthood.
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I was going to be dropping my son off at daycare before work (something I usually didn't do), and my normal routine was to stop at Wawa for breakfast. I stopped, got out, grabbed my breakfast, got back in, and only then remembered that he was in the back. He had been VERY uncharacteristically quiet prior, and I was tired, and I just... forgot he was in the back.
It caused absolutely no harm (I was only in the Wawa for 5-10 min), but it was a very sobering moment. I can definitely understand how it happens.
Piggybacking your comment to say that this kinda shit would happen a lot less if we had mandatory maternity/paternity leave.
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To a much less serious degree it happened to me/my daughter. Brought her in one winter in her car seat and set her down next to my bed with her coat still on. Instantly fell asleep on the bed for at least an hour. When I came to she was drenched in sweat. Obviously panicked and got her out but she seemed unfazed, stretched a little, and went back to sleep. Still feel bad years later.
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It's amazing how the smallest routine deviations can change things.
I once put my 1 year old in the car seat before loading the rest of the stuff into the car. My kid has always hated being constrained, so I didn't bother buckling the seat belt, as I figured there'd be more joy in being able to reach and play with toys while I loaded the car.
All went well, we got underway, and upon arriving at our destination I realized I never actually did up the safety restraints.
Holy shit
I thought
If I'd gotten in an accident in the last 30m of driving, my kid probably would have died
What a shock and brutal realization to have.
Many people have complemented me on my parenting, complemented me on my nurturing and caring attitude towards my kid and other children too. I'd like to think I'm a good father...but the momentary lapse I had could have ended a life and ruined so many more.
Yes, it can happen to anyone. I feel nothing but sympathy for the parents who have lost a child this way.
While not every parent who loses a child this way is a good person, people like Lyn Balfour have demonstrated that many of the parents responsible for these cases are good people who simply had a momentary lapse in attention that resulted in the worse mistake of their entire life.
I think that it is not for the public to judge them, and it's not appropriate to publically shame parents who have been through a tragedy like this.
Those parents will be forever haunted by the waxy face of their dead child, will see other children playing in parks, and remember what their child looked like the last time they saw their remains, will remember how beautiful and vibrant their baby was - and know that it's their fault that the child is forever gone.
I think that's punishment enough.
When my oldest was about 1, I buckled him in, but didn't realize the carseat wasn't buckled in.
About a mile down the road, I turned and we went tumbling across the car in his car seat. It was completely upside down by the end.
The only thing that kept me calm was that he was cackling with laughter. He thought it was the funniest thing. Never made thay mistake again!
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As a new parent... This terrifies me
There have been other suggestions in the thread how to avoid ending up in this situation that I think are good, like put your work bag or purse in the back seat too, or if you're really concerned, take off your non-driving shoe and put it back there.
Kidsandcars.org does great work too, and clearly the message is getting thru to auto manufacturers too.
My boss has a new ford ranger, it reminds him to check the back seat if it detects weight. There are lots of ways to prevent this happening to you, figure out what makes the most sense for you and go with it.
Also, you're going to be a great parent. I don't know how I know this, I just do.
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It's the lack of REM sleep that really fucks you up. Those first months and years are brutal. I suggest making a habit of something that pulls you out of auto pilot. It can be as simple as a phrase like ''close the door, check the kid'' or ''turn off the engine check the back seat'' if it's a habit, it will reenforce what your doing even when you haven't had a solid 8hrs in almost a year. Also, if you have a partner, it can be a good idea, when possible, to switch night duty on baby so you can recharge, but honestly, it's impossible if you can ever hear the baby fuss your animal instincts shoot you right up.
All went well, we got underway, and upon arriving at our destination I realized I never actually did up the safety restraints.
This happened with my youngest once. I forget what lead up to it (this was 16-17 years ago), he might have climbed into his seat on his own or something that deviated me from my routine, but as we were driving he said something about his buckles, and his sister, sitting next to me started yelling at me because I forgot to buckle him.
I probably wouldn't be able to live if I caused this.
I'm gonna add this here in case it helps anyone else.
A friend of mine uses a long dog leash to prevent her from forgetting her kid in the car. She uses the handle end with a loop and ties that end to the carseat and then attaches the hook end to her belt loop or purse. Now she can't leave the car without acknowledging the carseat.
She just leaves the dog leash attached to car seat all the time and attaches it to herself when she puts on her seatbelt.
I thought it was a great solution that doesn't involve removing shoes or buying a new car with seat sensors. Hope this helps someone else, or at least gives them peace of mind if they choose this method.
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God, that's the ultimate nightmare scenario. Fucking up so bad it costs the life of your child, and it seems like no one will understand how you could have fucked it up and you're too overwhelmed with guilt and sadness to not defend yourself but to try to make people understand how this could have happened. You're no longer you to yourself, you're the monster responsible for your childs death. There's no way I could live with myself after that, though I do have suicidal thoughts at the drop of a hat
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If you have children (and your vehicle has this feature) make sure you have the back seat reminder turned on. We all have temporary lapses that usually have little consequence, and this could literally save a life
for me, i always put my work bag in the back seat for this reason. I would have to open the back door to get it out. Never happened but it was a concern and i completely have a tendancy to be on autopilot in the mornings.
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The 40hrs are for father supporting the mother not for both to do 40hrs. This is why shit like this happens , they are forcing us to live a life we were never built for. The less working for some one else my wife does the more energy she puts into our family specially my son.
Tribes of 150 humans, mixed with all age groups. Mother often dies in labour plus no real way to tell who the father is means the whole tribe pitched in to raise the children.
I think about this a lot. When I say I never want to have children, this is probably the reason why. Like an animal in the zoo, I understand that the environment is not ideal to have offspring in.
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A woman's place is in the home, right guys? Did you mean our son?
I think the point is valid, but maybe not presented well. When the 40 hour work week was established, the understanding was that a single parent could work and earn enough for the family.
Now, two earners are not just common they're almost required. People are stressed, wondering how they're supposed to juggle work and family and chores and all of the other things that need to get done and the answer is that they shouldn't have to juggle so much.
To be clear: women having the ability to work is undeniably a good thing. Women don't have to be beholden to finding a good husband, they have options now, and workplaces have benefited from new perspectives. But it also got messed up by capitalism making it the default expectation... More people joined the workforce, but wages just sat still and ate up the gains.
I'm not saying women should choose family over career, I'm saying that it should still be an option today for one parent to make enough for the family to live off of so that the other parent can help balance the workload of life better.
OP was explicitly sexist throughout their comment starting with:
The 40hrs are for father supporting the mother not for both to do 40hrs.
I think their presentation was a deliberate choice in order to make a traditional, conservative family structure appealing to the left. I've seen this talking point come up a few times recently and I'm not going to just ignore tbe sexism. Working from home, shorter work weeks and more of the profits going to workers are ways to tackle people being overworked. Sending women home to work for their husbands is not the solution.
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Daycare is probably not the only scenario in which this happens but I wonder if at least some of those cases could be prevented if the daycare reached out when an expected drop off didn’t happen.
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this post was submitted on 01 Aug 2024
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