Whatever the guys in MS Cloudstrike did today.

~~I write code for those who pay me money.~~

I delete code of people who don't pay me.

I’m a teacher, so I guess now I spread misinformation on social media for a living. 🤡

I think the exact opposite would turn me into a literal pirate; stealing money in a way that statistically increases the risks of maritime commercial ventures.

I write good code now.

I make sure people don't talk to each other about what they're working on and hide important information they need to complete tasks. Sometimes I'll advise them to work on the wrong thing for a long time.

In my spare moments I delete the data in reports and unpivot tables.

I fix software bugs

I am now loving my job.

I write software that scours the internet for porn and other NSL content, then sends it to school kids.

Software engineer here. I'd become the worst thing I can imagine... a user.

I have a job! Woohoo!

Damn I feel like the polar opposite of my job is also my job. But if I try to make it bad, I'd say I would hurt and demotivate children and try to keep them stupid

I lock people out of their homes and break door hardware.

Aww geez, I'm a frat boy now

Now I cut features from software one by one

My job is having a job.

I am served and taken care of from the moment I wake up untill the moment I fall asleep. Someone makes me nutritious meals, and I only do activities that stimulate my brain. Once a year a small baby gets shoved up inside me

~~I work in IT for a company that helps patients get medications they need.~~

I physically prevent people from getting the medications they need.

I guess I now beat people up?

Break computers

Black hat hacker, I break into people's servers and fuck up their shit

I do research on technologies that make airplanes heavier, increase their fuel consumption and make them fall out of the sky more often. Oh and I spend time in the classroom making sure students have no idea how to reverse it.

I'm an anarcho-capitalist with a real hatred for the homeless.

Annihilate transportation infrastructure on a large scale.

CloudStrike has already put me out of business, it seems

Does that mean instead of cleaning up the place, I make it messy as fuck? 🤔 What's the opposite of a janitor?

If it were the opposite, I make sure planes come out of the sky

Outbound inferiority

I make sure what I send is going to fail all the tasks. Nothing but the worst for my customers.

Ill be hosting AA meetings.

I ignore people with broken bones

Well, fuck, I'm now an engineer on day shift. (I'm night shift QA and most of my issues are caused by careless engineers.)

Cause brain damage? Idk how do you remove knowledge?

Instead of talking to the customers and fixing issues I'm writing code and breaking things.

So apparently I work at Crowdstrike

I assemble and disassemble industrial machinery for final testing. I already do the opposite of what I do?

I reverse-engineer software.

I disorganize rare books and artifacts 😔

Efficient desktop destroyer

I go to people's houses and steal their books.

Traumatise people.

Could be fun for a while!

I cause soft tissue damage