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this post was submitted on 14 Mar 2024
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Estrogen and all those hormones really fucked with my head. I have PMDD (Premenstrual dysphoric disorder). The week before menstruation, I would get heavily depressed and suicidal every month, just like clockwork. PMS rage is also horrible to deal with. I used to get super angry and break down over something small like breaking a glass or tearing a garbage bag when it was that time of the month. Made me feel so ashamed and angry at myself because I knew it was hormonal and I had no control over it. Now don't have that issue.
I didn't feel connected with my emotions, just wildly out of control of them. I didn't notice "hey, i'm feeling anxious and angry today. Better chill out and take a warm shower." It was just "AGAHAGGQHHG IM IN PAIN" Now when I feel sad or anxious or whatever I can recognize what I'm feeling because it's not a huge tidal wave of intense, uncontrollable emotions anymore.
I'm a strong believer in the biochemical dysphoria theory. Some brains are just wired for a certain sex hormone profile. It's really interesting how both of us had similar results from each hormone, but they affected mental and emotional health in opposite ways.
The biochemical dysphoria descriptions where by far my biggest incentive in pursuing HRT. Especially the dissociative and depersonalization aspect of it. It described my entire life after puberty To. The. Letter.
And 5 months in I feel this fog lifting over my eyes and the world makes more sense to me now. I actually am having moments where my sense of self and body are at least occupying the same space. It's been a really surreal experience.
Glad to hear that you no longer feeling the effects of PMDD or the PMS rage. That honestly sounds terrible and glad you were able to find a way out of it!:)
The biochemical stuff is a huge part of my interest in t. I'm not dysphoric about most of my feminine features, but my emotions feel like space invaders in my brains most of the time, especially PMS. I just feel such discomfort and shame, being.. shaken like a doll by those feels. I hate it.
I also seem to socialize much more like guys tend to. I've been to one bachelorette party and we all knew it felt wrong lol
I was still straight passing back then, too.. but I am nobodies bachelorette
I feel ya with the whole space invaders thing. It sucks and I wish nobody would have to go through that shit.
The thing about testosterone is that it will make you lose some of your feminine features that you're not dysphoric over. Your body fat will redistribute to your belly, your chest will atrophy, you'll grow a lot more body and facial hair, get a deeper voice, as well as many, many other things. You can't choose which effects you get from testosterone. It also in many cases increases your LDL cholesterol and puts you at higher risk of cardiovascular health issues. It doesn't matter how low of a dose you go on, you'll get those changes after a while. If those sound like something you'd be okay with, then testosterone is a potentially good option for controlling PMS and all that. It can make mood swings and anger issues worse in some people, it's highly variable on the individual.
If that doesn't sound like a good option, I highly recommend trying birth control medication to treat PMS. It helps stabilize those hormones like T does, but you don't have the risks or changes to deal with. Also, it's a good option for when you're just starting on T and want some stability while going through second puberty. Gives the added benefit of no periods faster.
I actually had a horrible initial reaction to taking birth control. The one I was prescribed was an estradiol based one. I got prescribed it to treat PMDD while I was waiting for all my labs to clear me to take T. I got heavily depressed for the first two weeks, and I knew it was because of the medication. I kept taking it and eventually as my body adapted to it those symptoms gradually disappeared. From what I've heard, how it works is it ends up replacing the natural sex hormones in your body, doesn't increase them. Your body will decrease its natural hormone production in response to it. I thought I was gonna get super feminine looking and get even more dysphoria on it, but that's not how it works. There are also many different types of hormonal birth control that you can take to treat it, so some of it is trial and error.
I really, really appreciate this. I've been wondering if any form of t might be a bit of a blunt hammer, in my case.
I don't feel dysphoric about my body, but I used to. I leaned into fitness over covid, I felt more like me without having to femme up for work everyday and it started feeling better. I'm pretty lean now, and with a good tight sports bra and my hair short, I'm passably androgynous.
At least nowadays men bug obvious lesbians less and it's post-#metoo. I grew up in the south, and I never fucking got to forget that I was a girl.
Thank you for talking with me