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this post was submitted on 04 Jun 2026
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Certain events are inclusive of anyone accepting of queer people, including allies. Look for something that says "all are welcome!" It's nice to have people there that perhaps aren't "one of us" but still treat us like anyone else.
Others are not, simply because it's for specific groups. If you're a cis man, I would be very cautious of you if you came to a lesbian or a non-binary gathering. Attending because you're a father or brother of a lesbian and want to understand more about your loved one would likely be ok.
Best thing to do for any of these events is to remember that you are not the focus and these are centered on queer experiences. It's nothing against you! But it's good to always remember it's about making sure a queer space stays safe and welcoming for queer people.
If you hear one of us venting about cis het people (and it is usually specific ones or ones that do x), please don't take it personally! We know it's not all cis het people, just specific ones that have made our lives harder just because we are not cis het.
This should go without saying, but don't fetishize anyone. Being attracted to trans folk or bisexual/pan/etc. folk is completely ok! Treating them like a sex object is not. (This is probably not you, but in case anyone reading this needs to see it spelled out... Here it is.)
We welcome people that want to support us! But bragging about how much of an ally you are is off-putting. I'm not saying you do this, but it does happen occasionally and... Just don't, it comes of as very insincere and "straight savior."
I can't speak for all of us, but I consider "queer" a reclaimed term that should not be used by those not queer but I don't have a better commonly used alternative. I like GRSM (gender, romantic, sexuality minorities) but again, this is not common. LGBT+ or LGBTQ is fine imo. I am just one person of a large community so you may get different answers.
I don't think a pride flag (or inclusive pride flag) is bad for a cis het person to use. Don't use a specific one, like a men loving men or lesbian flag unless there is clear indication that you are in support, like "I love my [identity] [relation]." Note that if you have a flag without context, you might get hit on by the same gender. As long as you remain polite, all is well!
There is an ally flag that is a safe bet!
Apologies if some of this is obvious to you. Thanks for asking. Just trying to be thorough and try to include things that anyone that might encounter this message find useful.
Thanks for the thorough perspective! The specific space I was thinking of was a gay bar/gay club. There have been a few times when I've partied with a group that included a bunch of gay men. Then that group wanted to continue the night at a gay bar and invited me. Even with an invitation, it would feel like invading. I had no idea there was an ally flag. I'll look into repping that.
Thanks for all the tips.
As a lesbian who goes out to gay bars, my perspective is that if someone who isn't queer is invited by queer friends to a gay bar, it's absolutely fine to go. Just don't flirt with people, as I'd find that disrespectful. Have fun with your group, and enjoy the wonderful events at the bar (karaoke, drag shows, trivia, etc.). As long as you're being respectful, I see no problem with it. But obviously don't go there by yourself and definitely don't try to pick someone up. Gay bars are a place for queer folks to be open and be themselves, without the prejudices of the cishet. It's a bastion of safety for us. If you are invited as part of a group, then clearly you are believed to be capable of upholding the safety that they provide.
Also, I second the ally flag. There's one I saw on a house that was just the intersex pride progress flag with "All are welcome" or similar written on it. That would be a great flag to fly.
EDIT: Here's the flag I saw:
And a little note on the word queer. It's going to depend on who you're talking to, but I can't imagine myself ever having a problem with its use unless it were used as a slur, and it's very obvious when it is. I, and everyone I know, wouldn't bat an eye at a cishet person using the term to refer to us if it were done in a respectful way. While it's a reclaimed word, I feel that it has been so aggressively reclaimed that it's okay for use by out-groups so long as it's in the right context, and has the right intention. Just my perspective.