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I don't know who I'm supposed to date (programming.dev)
submitted 1 week ago by lazyneet@programming.dev to c/mtf
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This thought has been bugging me for the past few months. Out of my ~15 partners, only 4 would I describe as "conventionally attractive," and all of those were decidedly fem (1 cis f, 2 tf, 1 sissy), and they were all bottoms. I (32tf) can't and don't want to top.

I consider myself pan and I say I like men, but in practice I only like soft and androgynous types. Fem tops are unicorns, and I seem to only be able to maintain relationships for ~6 months at most. My last relationship with a man was such a disaster that I'm tempted to swing the other way, except I don't want to be an ace side or whatever terms people use to justify what amount to platonic relationships. I'm also too busy to really care about anyone right now. How do other transfems navigate this kind of sexual/romantic difficulty?

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[-] lazyneet@programming.dev 2 points 1 week ago

I hope my fatigued writing didn't give the impression that I have 15 simultaneous partners! That would solve a lot of problems.

I get that you value platonic friendships. I suck at friends, better at sex. I don't know what I'd cleverly compare my relationship maintenance to. Either shooting myself in the foot or setting myself on fire. It tears me up that I can't have what I know I like - femboys and guys 10 years younger than me - without the understanding that it's temporary bs - don't get too close or you'll get burned. I hate this self-knowledge that seems to only come with estrogen. I might be more approachable but I don't have the energy to chase cute boys. And girls, well, if I don't top I'm ousted from the relationship. Sorry for the rant. You aren't my therapist. (I wish my therapist were trans though.)

I'm curious what kind of men you like (what few you do) assuming you like relationships on the physical side.

[-] irotsoma@piefed.blahaj.zone 3 points 1 week ago

It's not that a friendship is a separate thing, though. And many of my flings or shorter term romantic relationships end up in platonic-only relationships. But it's the developing of those platonic connections during the other relationships that ends up being valuable later. Something as simple as having a good conversation as you cuddle in the aftermath can trigger a bond.

And topping is definitely a burden in some senses as it requires you to act first, but I usually see it more as pleasing the other person rather than taking pleasure from the other person. Equally, bottoming requires giving over control, but should include more than just receiving the actions of the top. There needs to be some amount of comfort in communicating while in the act so you both are getting your needs met. The bottom is responsible for creating that comfort and opening the communication by responding honestly to the acts of the top. And the top then adapting what they take.

My point being, as a switch myself, I rarely find good tops or bottoms, but with the right person it is actually a dynamic role. I find the best sex is with other switches where we take turns. Of course this requires a more "feminine" type of sex that estrogen made more easy for me to get into where sex is an opera, not a single scene. That's where building the platonic connections can help a lot. It takes time to write not just an opera, but a good opera.

And yeah I agree. I have a therapist who is also non-binary and neurodivergent like me, and that helps a ton. I never got anything out of therapy until I understood these things existed in me and sought out treatment by those who understand it at least in part. These traits require much different kinds of therapy, IMHO.

And as for what types of men, I'd say, those who are good at communication of their needs as well as listening to mine. Or at least the lack of open communication about emotions and needs is the most common reason I don't date cis-men.

[-] lazyneet@programming.dev 1 points 1 week ago

Thanks for your thoughtful response. Transgirls really are the best. I like your kink-informed perspective, as that is how my sexuality works as well. It's hard to find people who get it, so I tend to stick with whoever's down regardless of their top or bottom roles, and I'm either forced to act like a man or constantly subjugated. (One would think a tf would have the decency to not call the other "daddy" but they were hot so I didn't let it get to me.) It takes considerable effort for me to top bc my blood pressure is low, lingering heteronormative framings of my gender role, and a little trauma. Using my dick is the hard part (no pun intended). But yeah, under ideal circumstances I would love to have long switchy sex operas with a fellow tf. <3

[-] irotsoma@piefed.blahaj.zone 2 points 1 week ago

Yeah the switchy operas are the best, if rare. I fortunately have recently had bottom surgery, so yeah, I'm glad I don't need to deal with that anymore. Still recovering so not entirely sure how things are going to go, there. But I also have a lot of trauma, from the typical what it took to get hard and people not understanding it wasn't directly tied to interest in sex, as well as some things testosterone and male gender role expectations caused me to do (not sure some if it wasn't actually rape, but just not classified as rape in our culture), as well as some things bad dommes did to me (almost feeling like revenge for being essentially raped their whole lives, but not called rape). I'm hoping this change will allow me to start over in addition to helping with disphoria as well as allowing me access to some femmes who don't like penises at all for sex and leading to more of that operatic sex that I feel is at least slightly more common when no penises are involved even if I was already at that point in how I had orgasms, but many people were unwilling to treat me that way just because of that hunk of flesh. Lol

[-] lazyneet@programming.dev 2 points 1 week ago

hugs Congratulations on surgery and I wish you a speedy recovery. I wish more people saw penises as accessories rather than tools. I love dicks and I don't require them to perform for me, but that terrible expectation contaminates so many otherwise-enlightened relationships. Pre-transition I dated a girl who asked me to fuck her vaginally on the first date because of apparent expectations, but we found out later that neither of us actually wanted to do that. It would be liberating to be with someone who can keep outside expectations on the other side of the door. You have a lot of wisdom that I'm sure you paid heavily for. You're good people. <3

[-] uriel238 1 points 1 week ago

When I had half a dozen partners, I'd see each one of them once every six months, so I was actually getting less contact than when I was doing serial monogamy.

Curiously, when my flatmate had a boyfriend, I was having a rush and he was jealous of my busy schedule despite that it turned into a red flag for the roomie / his partner.

[-] lazyneet@programming.dev 1 points 1 week ago

I was having a rush and he was jealous of my busy schedule despite that it turned into a red flag for the roomie / his partner.

Sorry, I'm having trouble parsing that phrase. You had a busy schedule and that's a red flag in relationships, or the roommate's boyfriend's reaction to your busy schedule...?

[-] uriel238 1 points 1 week ago

I was having a rush of encounters between my girlfriends. He was jealous, and my roommate decided that might be a red flag in their relationship. It was more that he didn't know fully what he wanted and was a bit opportunistic.

this post was submitted on 13 Oct 2025
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