I spent years under a strong depression when I was in High School, I didn't take care of my appearance and that made people think I was a lesbian for some reason.

Now I'm in uni and living my best life.

I feel confident again and I get compliments on the street everyday.

I'm still very prone to depression but it isn't as strong as before, at least enough so I can take care of myself.

There was a period where I took care of my physical appearance but not my health which really affected me specially because it made people think I was fine at that point. But they were very serious issues.

I'm healthy and happy like when I was 13 and I can only regret that I allowed bullying to take that away from me.

See title. How do I even cope with never being able to get pregnant? I mourn the fact that I never even once had the opportunity to get pregnant, to feel life in me developing, and all that. Of all things, this gives me the greatest dysphoria. I want to have wider hips and larger boobs, and even though I'm 28 (so hip widening likely won't happen... maybe surgery?) and I'm 7 months on HRT, I feel like it's not satisfactory yet. It has made me so much happier and I feel much more liberated having HRT, but even before I knew trans was a thing, even early on, I still had the desire to eventually be able to get pregnant.

I don't care that it's a lot of morning sickness, feeling miserable and extremely tired, heavy, and all that - I experienced long illness before. But having someone at the end of it, feeling the baby kick... I heavily miss that I cannot experience that. I'm happy for those who can, but I wish I could, and I want to actively fight for it. Even if I die or suffer horribly, then at least I will have contributed to further understanding so that people may one time experience it.

To that child whom I will likely not have the luck of carrying -- may life find you when it calls you. I love you with all my heart and I wish I were able to see you. If I ever do succeed in that, then I swear solemnly to thank the world for its bounty and gifts; and regardless I will support all who struggle through life.

Putting on black nail polish used to be the highlight of my week in the early days of transition and way before I came out. I was never good at it, but I liked how it looked on me and it felt like a way to get control back in my life in one of the few ways that I could.

Now HRT has done some pretty nice things to me after three years and I don't feel as connected to nail polish, and everything I didn't like about it feels much more of a pain. Like that it's expensive, that it can be a mess, and after a decade, I still always miss my nail bed and get paint on my skin.

I do still like taking care of my nails. I enjoy filing the shape just right and exfoliating them and moisturizing to keep them healthy. That's all fine.

But then I get the intrusive thoughts that I'm not femme enough or not alt enough if I don't wear black nail polish. Of course, I know that's not true, but it is what my brain tells me. So that's kind of where I'm at.

Singing is one of the few things that brings me joy and wanting to sound just like Eivør was one of the things that made me start to question my gender identity. So if anyone is familiar with voice training as it pertains to singing, I'd be eternally grateful for tips.

More links:

Tròdlabùndin

Falling free

Brotin

Get your HPV vaccine, and if post-op, see a gynecologist!

Hello everyone, hope all is well. It has been months since I posted. I had lost my account because my phone was stolen. Also a lot has been happening ever since from the government chasing us from the camp because we are transgender to now that the South Sudanese wanting to kill us a video was uploaded on the fundraiser about how a South Sudanese national is trying to tell others to attack the refugees that haven’t managed to leave Gorom refugee settlement. This really a serious situation that needs your support in order to find safety for the rest kindly. Honestly the major reason as to why I’m writing is that we are in an emergency situation. We are going be chased out of the shelter because of failure to pay rent. We are trying to raise 950$ and we only have 78$. I’m really afraid because even here we live by hiding and how about if we are left on streets. We are visible transgenders that we will be at risk of being killed in this war country. Anything can help also boosting the post means a lot.

Please consider supporting us through the support link in the bio/profile. Thank you so much.

I made a similar post a few weeks ago, but just remembered that the last time I had friends was over ten years ago, when I was ten.
My whole life at the moment is going to work during the week and being too exhausted for anything for the rest of the day and having no motivation to do anything on the weekends.

The only people around me are my family and my colleagues. Nobody asks how I am or is otherwise interested about me.

I don't know why I should continue to live, I don't see many reasons for it

So recently I realised, that the more I transition I Am starting to resonate with women way more than I do with men. Its literally almost every aspect. Conversations are a bit more - let me call it like that - "soft". No/less crude jokes, less talking while someone else speaks, more friendly vibes and so on. I also would 100% lie, that I didnt like it quite a lot when women ask about where I got my nail polish (I got a huge box with nail polish in it (from a friend) and there is one really cool looking red metallic one and quite regularly when I wear it other women ask about it). I had this realisation this weekend, when I was at an event where I knew no one (the event was 4 days long) and I realised that I kinda dont like socialising with men nearly as much as I do with women. I pretty much had the fun of my life simply because some of the women there were absolutely amazing.

Fun lil thread, what did you dress as for halloween this year?

(If that's something you celebrate where you're at)

I recently had vaginoplasty, and I'm looking for a pad of some kind that is not too stiff and not absorbent for putting under me during dilation. Something that I can wipe with water, or optionally alcohol if it's safe for the plastic, but won't absorb anything or stain from the blood.

I usually use "chucks" (of a cheaper brand) with a paper towel and then the pad that I was wearing before. But often just a bit of the slop from discharge, lubrication, and blood will make its way to the chucks and stain them. I'm just picky and don't like to use them after they have a few spots. But if I had a small mat of silicone or other plastic I could wipe down that was thin enough to be relatively comfortable, not slide too much, and not tear easily that would make the chucks almost never get dirty and not require throwing out so many of them. For a bit I was using some bags that my ice packs came in just cut in half and removed the zipper lock portion. But I threw those out before traveling home after surgery and they weren't exactly ideal anyway.

I tried searching Amazon and various medical supply places, but they are all disposable or "washable" and thus stainable since they're meant to be absorbent. But I have the other layers for that. And I found like sex blankets, but those were all like the size of the bed. I just need something like 2-3 square feet at most. Doesn't even need to be as large as the chucks, just fit under my butt and around it enough to catch overflow.

Thanks for any suggestions.

Edit:

So far my best solution has been to use the chucks with a silicone layer and then I fold the pad I was wearing if it didn't have too much surface blood and discharge. The silicone layer is the key since I can just rinse it. I'm a little obsessive about not laying on stained stuff and definitely not wet stuff. Autism related likely...

But also I'm already creating a lot of medical waste trash and I really want to reduce that as much as possible so the puppy pads wouldn't help there, but I also don't have the ability to do laundry myself, so I don't want to burden my friends who are helping me out with that kind of stuff, so towels/rags are not good there. Having issues with nerve pain, and stairs are still difficult for me for laundry. So something i can quickly wash in the bathroom sink with mild hand soap is ideal.

Problem is finding the right layer of plastic/silicone. I tried a piece of a 12 inch baking mat roll that I cut to 18 inches. It is really flexible which is nice, but it sticks to my skin, so positioning and then getting up is a pain. I then tried a craft mat. It's a little stiffer, so it sticks up in front of my vulva and makes it harder to see what's going on with the mirror as I'm dilating, but it sticks less to my skin and is a little easier to clean since it's a little smoother. Ive also tried putting down a paper towel to sit on, but again, produces waste, so OK, but not perfect.

Still looking for a perfect, smooth and flexible plastic/silicone layer. But so far this combo has allowed me to keep the expensive chucks mostly clean. I also use separate chucks for sleeping on and with the reduction in bleeding, my pads mostly handle that anyway, so those I keep for a while.

Thanks for all of the suggestions!

interesting video i must say, especially seeing a cis person analyzing and understanding these stuff

This snapchat filter made me feel pretty and now I have my first makeup goals. That is all. ☺️

when dilating, often I have a lot of pain around what I suspect are certain scar rings in my neovagina, basically areas where it's much harder to push past, almost like a sphincter but without control to tighten

I have discovered that after pushing painfully past certain points I can experience painful burning sensation, but if I pull the dilator out, put a horizontal ring of lube on the dilator around the threshold of how deep it goes in, and then put the dilator in, I often manage to get the same depth as was painful before but experience less pain and burning. I think this is twofold, maybe relaxing and re-inserting helps reduce tension, and maybe the lube at the edge helps prevent pain from pushing deeper.

Edit: Just wanted to take a moment to say thank you to all of the kind and informative responses I am getting here, and for all of the constructive discussion I see going on in this thread. You all are amazing. 💜

I’m 34, came from a conservative home that was in a Christian nationalist cult. The idea of homosexuality was an ultimate taboo, I didn’t even learn what “transgender” was until well after puberty, well after I’d casually had the thought to myself that being a woman wouldn’t be so bad. Well after I’d been chastised for playing dress up with my mother’s clothes despite the fact my brother never did.

Even when I did learn of the T in LGBT, I had so many excuses as to why that didn’t apply to me. I’m just overly imaginative. I just get along with some more naturally than men. I just see women as people and feel strongly about their issues because I’m a progressive egalitarian man.

Even when those excuses failed me, I told myself I was genderfluid, or nonbinary. And in many ways those both definitely apply to me still. I do not experience dysphoria existing as a man all the time.

But today I cracked. I messed around in faceapp and touched up a photo of a time id shaven and had my wife put makeup on me and I cracked. I cried. I let myself feel that deep sense of longing I’d always instinctually suppressed.

And then I realized I was well and truly fucked. I live in Oklahoma. I have a child. And I live under some of the worst conditions to be beginning a journey that is being persecuted more than ever….

so, I should start by saying vaginoplasty significantly reduced my genital dysphoria, and in general has helped me feel more like a woman - it's overall quite clear it was the right choice for me (and same with transition overall).

... but I've struggled a lot with continued bottom dysphoria and anxiety that I made a mistake or the surgery was problematic or wrong in some way

for example, my labia continue to look and feel like scrotal tissue, and I feel insecure about this - they can sag and look wrinkly at times, which makes them look scrotal to me.

I also seem to have no labia minora as far as I can tell, or perhaps it's too early post-op to tell, the clitoral hood is just a tighter part of the same labia majora - so maybe as swelling goes down there will be more of a sense of inner folds vs outer folds?

Anyway, lots of insecurity and concerns that my genitals are still male. Any time I'm aroused and my clit becomes engorged, it feels so much like an erection that I become dysphoric and I struggle to stay in the moment and maintain arousal.

Last night I had a dream that a stitch popped or something changed in my recovery overnight, and I woke up with my labia sagging even more and bunching into an empty scrotal sack, and my clit when engorged would become erect and push out several inches into an erect penis. It was very distressing in my dream, I was panicking and trying to find a private place to capture photos to send my surgeon. (In some ways this nightmare was clarifying or affirming - knowing my unconscious is not secretly coveting having male genitals again makes me feel more confident I made the right choice.)

I guess I never expected to have so much bottom dysphoria post-op, or to struggle so much to see my vagina as female. Sometimes I even wonder if this is what it's like to be a trans man, to "feel male" internally and to have female genitals (though obviously this isn't how trans men feel, trans men generally want to feel male in body and mind, something I don't experience - and my "feeling male" is more like insecurity and imposter syndrome than whatever trans men experience).

It still hasn't been six months since my surgery, and I'm so early in my transition in general - I just trust it will get better over time ... but right now anyway, I am struggling more than I expected with challenges I perhaps naively expected or hoped the surgery would just immediately solve.

I have noticed that the dysphoria I would feel when I lay on my back and twist my lower body in a way that allows me to feel the length of my clit embedded in me, and it would feel like my penis was sewn onto me, has gone away - with the healing I think inflammation has gone down and I no longer notice that sensation of length in me, and when I do twist or pull in a way that seems to engage my clit, it feels more "normal" and doesn't create dysphoria. So already the dysphoria I had earlier in my recovery is subsiding, which is good!

I think this was mostly a vent post / brain dump, but I did want to ask about others' experiences - I wanted to invite general sharing of what surgeries were like for others (esp. what wasn't expected or isn't commonly discussed).

If anyone has advice for me, I'm completely open. Thanks for reading 😊

[seeking input from people who use female restrooms]

Hello! I have been using women's restrooms for some time now. Tonight however, will be the first time that I will be going out with some girlfriends where public toilets will be involved. Everyone I am going with knows that I am trans, and is supportive. My questions/concerns are:

• If I get up to use the bathroom, should I ask anyone if they would like to come with?
• If another woman gets up, should I offer to go with?
• If we are using the restroom at the same time, and I finish first, should I wait for them? If so, inside, or outside?

I'm mostly just wanting to act "normal," and don't want to unknowingly perform any social faux pas. Thanks!

I recently decided to cut my crap and admit that I was trans. Since then I've started on the waiting list for gender counselling for which there is a 3 month wait.

After that I'm supposed to get a referral to a hospital at the other end of the country who have a national monopoly on trans healthcare. They will then (after two to three years of living as an out woman without hormones) will test me for all manner of mental and developmental issues and deny me care if I exhibit any problems with my mental health.

If by some miracle I don't get rejected by them I finally get referred to an endocrinologist who will prescribe a dose of estrogen in patch form low enough to be safe for a hamster to use. (Not to mention that transdermal hormone preparations aren't great in a house with kids).

So my options are private (which I can not afford) or DIY. Socially and financially, DIY is really the only option. Regrettably the nanny state has a problem with ordering unprescribed hormones and confiscates around half of the packages that enter the country. So much so that the people I reached out to don't even post to Norway any more. So my option is basically to get it sent to Sweden or Finland and pick it up at a post office there. BUT MY CAR IS FUCKED AND I CAN'T AFFORD TO FIX IT NOW!

I've possibly got an NB friend who can pick it up from Sweden and send it from within the country, but they aren't the most reliable person in the world and I want my lady juice now god damn it! I'm fed up of sitting here letting testosterone gradually turn me into the horrid lovechild of groundskeeper willy and Shrek. I need to find a reliable way of getting estrogen. It's legitimately the only thing on my mind and it's preventing me from doing anything else. The waiting is driving me insane and I'm a couple of days away from trapping wild animals and eating their raw ovaries.

HELP!

Hi! Im a transgirl who's very much at the start of her physical transition, and I wanted to ask if people here have some tips for facial makeup, specifically to cover beard and beard shadow. I would love to find maybe one product that just gets the job done as I don't really want to start having an elaborate makeup routine. Is there such a thing?

I have a pan friend who is the only trans ally I know irl. Few months ago I decided to come out to her. However, I don't know where to start.

I was alone with her several times recently, but I just fail to start a conversation every time.

She doesn't seem to have any problem with being out to everyone, so it's harder to have a serious conversation about my struggles. What should I do?

It'll put something on your chest, but it probably isn't hair.

(This is a joke: don't actually eat estradiol gel)

Since the start of puberty I shut myself in my room, mostly only to come out for school/work and for visiting my father every second weekend because my parents are divorced.

A bit over two years ago I realized I was trans, but I could still live like that, being in my room most of the time. After starting HRT I began to feel lonely and feeling the need for friends, which I didn't feel before.

Now, at around three months after starting HRT I feel like I die if I continue to not have any social contacts and already harmed myself because of the loneliness. At least everyone who knows me is supportive and I managed to talk to my mother that we do more together like walking, but it didn't really help with the loneliness.

I have no idea how to make friends. I don't talk much, partly because I hate my voice, but also because it is difficult for me to find words and things to talk about and I can't say anything when I am in a group of more than a few people.

I don't really expect helpful advice here but anything would be appreciated. I mostly just wanted to write that all down.

For some background, I came out as trans to my sister in June and last month I managed to talk about it to my parents. Two weeks ago I bought these clothes and today I wore them outside for the first. It was in a therapy group where I already came out so it wasn’t too scary, but I was still kinda stressed when I got there. Anyways I’m really happy about it

Also, unrelated but I tried to cross-post this from !trans_joy@lemmy.blahaj.zone but apparently you can only do that with link posts on piefed. Does anyone know if there's an easier to do this other than copy and pasting the posts content ?

I GOT MY HRT APPOINTMENT! It's not until mid next year though. I'm so excited. Now i just have to decide on oestrogen delivery methods. I am thinking gel, because i suck at needles, more so doing it myself. But i have a cat i love to pick up, so I would need to use gloves.

What methods do y'all use for oestrogen delivery?