So I (30mtf) got picked up by my girlfriend last tuesday to go to a bar for my first time (yeah, I know lol), and to join their roommates (a cute couple) at the bar while they sing kereoke. Planned on staying one night, buuut at some point I checked my texts, and wow.

For a tiny bit of applicable backstory, I live with my mom, whom I instead call my roommate for soon to be obvious reasons- she does not act like a mom, or even an adult. We have the general agreement that if I have someone stay over, she gets a gram of her favorite wax (Oregon, weed stuff) so that she can not worry about someone else in the apartment that she doesn't know. Totally cool, makes it easy. No sort of inverse, she doesn't have to give me a thing- also totally cool, since she has no friends anymore (she keeps chasing them away) and she pays the rent. And, she's terrible at just... communicating like an adult.

So, I checked my texts while out, and wow. What I assume other moms might send, after their kid's mentioned going out, you'd think it'd be stuff along the lines of "Hey, hope you got there safe, and are drinking responsibly!", "How're you doing? You and your friends make it there safely?", or even a "Do you have a safe ride home set up?"... buut no, of course not. Somehow, she turns it into me "abandoning my obligations" to her... but actually, no, she had mentioned wanting help with her car sometime that month. That's not a specific day, she can't just be mad because I did something THAT day, when she did not schedule it or even mention it in the last week, you can't have it both ways, that's a trap, I'm "in the wrong" either way, the second she decides I've wronged her somehow.

Oh but that's not even the best part. She, for no reason, before I even respond to anything she said, brings up:

• her dying mother (actually old, yes, she got a letter that was mentioning that it'd be REALLY nice if she stopped by before it was too late... mom thinks it's 'cause she's dying, and uses it as ammo not even two months later. Actually, I'm sure it's because she's gone to visit them twice in the last decade and a half, and yeah, at THAT rate...)
• my alcoholic father (who has had literally nothing to do with anything for the last decade, I had left at 18 because of how abusive and narcissistic he was... HAHAHA how little did I know I was walking into literally the same thing all over again...)
• a vaguely mentioned shopping trip where I help carry a bag of pellets to the bus stop (not planned on any specific day, or even week, and she can't do stuff on the hot days, sooooo I had literally planned to be back the next afternoon)
• working on her car (which she's been avoiding doing for literally years at a time, this time it's been over four months, so there's no reason it suddenly had to be NOW)
• Her being on the spectrum and speaking directly, and not trying to sound mean, but blablabla (I know literally firsthand autism doesn't turn you into an asshole- it can make it hard to communicate, or possibly understand pending the situation, but it doesn't make you bring up every single piece of ammunition you can scrounge for just to hurt the other person as much as you can, before they even respond...)
• Accusing me of being an alcoholic "just like your father" (I've literally had less to drink than her in the entire last decade, she misunderstood me and my girlfriend sharing seven shots between us, and me throwing up three times in a row out of nerves AND MOST IMPORTANTLY (and ironically) because I hadn't drank in several months, and was really nervous about having a pretty girl over and talking in my good voice for so long, all night... she misinterpreted it as though I had seven shots of hard liquor and got so drunk that I threw up three times... two VERY different scenarios. Oh, and at the bar, I had a single can of cider, a shot of henny on the way out, and maybe a quarter of the roommate's girlfriend's can of cider as we were heading out and passing it between everyone because she didn't wanna finish it.)
• how oh so very accepting she has been of my gender and asexuality (...she doesn't use my chosen name, that I've had for more than half my life, over 15 years, she doesn't even know that I'm greysexual, agender, and panromantic because she doesn't even ask, but also why bring that up if it was honest acceptance and not just performative tolerance?)

Like, she somehow turned me going to the bar with my girlfriend all about her, with her saying "I'm just sad that I am not even thought about" like... yeah, I'M going to the bar with MY girlfriend and HER roommates- oh and how "You made commitments you walked out on. If I can't depend on you, how can anyone else?" Like what the actual fuck mom, that's some borderline emotional incest shit, get your shit together before you literally chase me away from trying to clean up your messes and keep the apartment clean enough to pass inspections, and fulfill your own prophecy of me abandoning you.

Also, yeah, I'm looking at apartments with my gf and the rest of the squad, because I cannot live another year here, 12 was far too long but it allowed me time to grow as a person and make the connections that are my squad, my support network, my two girls and my man. I moved here because I wanted to live and not just survive, but it appears that's what the NEXT home will be, where I can finally live instead of barely survive.

Here's hoping she does what she always does and leaves me alone for a month or three, so I can get the plans together and start packing, and be gone before she can even start complaining like she does every five or so months. I can't handle HER bs, and my own bs, AND all the stuff that comes with being a few months on E, and being in a relationship with an entire quadratic polycule, my squad... and also teasing a few others, I can't help it, but that's neither here nor there... :U Life is getting really exciting, due to my transition and my relationships, but also... mom just HAS to go and ruin it. But she can't, because she's shown that I don't have to care what she thinks anymore. I'll mourn the mother I once loved so dearly, once I'm far enough away from what she's become. c':

me and my friend were shopping in a store and one of the workers said "You girls need help with anything?"

my friend? he got a little bummed out, he has long hair and assumptions were made unfortunately

me? EEEEEEE >///< ❤️

I WASN'T EVEN WEARING ANYTHING CRAZY SINCE IT WAS KINDA COLD BUT???!!!

and I got my sweet cream goop

HAHAAHAHA best Sunday :3

In the end, I went shopping with my fiancée, and that helped me get out of my head for a while 😌

OMGOMGOMG i cant believe the days finally here! The appointment itself was relatively painless, with them asking me about my goals and helping me figure out navigating further. I walked out with my prescriptions!

Estradiol, spiro, vocal training and electrolysis?! It feels like a dream 🥰

It feels like the end of a long painful journey, but the start of another different journey. Hopefully happier and better (literally cant see how it could be worse than before). Im excited to live my life, finally, after all this time. Its still a long road, but a road im happy to go down!

First shot down! Didnt hurt at all 😁

Also, i wanna take the time to appreciate and thank the community that got me here. Literally would still be in my depression hole if not for all the lovely online spaces ive been in. Special thanks to Nikki and Moonroot and others who post, comment, interact with everyone, and generally make this place very welcoming. You lot put out such immaculate vibes and i wouldnt have really pushed myself to finally take charge of all this if it werent for you lovely ladies. So thank you ❤️❤️

I shouldve posted yesterday but i was too GD excited. It still feels like a dream 😂

Anyways, happy friday! Hope everyone has an awesome day!

...called me his granddaughter today c:

Well, this has been a weird relationship. I fell in love with a trans woman married to a cis man.

I was asked to meet the husband and to try to befriend him to make it work. He was nice and did a lot of self-sacrifice for her and he is not a man who has questioned gender much.

The way I see it, once again it is my pov and I could be wrong.

I tried to be honest about a lot of my feelings, doubts things I've never made as much. Everytime I do share my feelings. Here about the fact it's hard for me to get closer to husband it backfired hard. Every I said is taken as a personal insult no matter how much I try to put emphasis on why I'm having a hard time to trust him and that could be a trouble I have trusting men because of probably my father who has abused my mother verbally a lot and physically once but also a lot of what abuse they cause.

The first thing that triggers me is that he is impulsive. And well there's a lot in the wording.

I'm probably trying to analyze a lot but when he says about "lgbtqia+ people can be whatever the fuck they want, I don't care." "If they made the choice to transition." To me it shows more of indifference or "tolerance" towards us rather than trying to understand and saying that transition is a choice is not my view. (Especially because I feel like mine was necessary or I would have become depressed more and more at best). It was multiple time that he said something that make me tick but since I can't give every moment that there is something that bothers me in his words. He feels targeted about only one thing he said and that is a personnal attack.

The second one is that he laughs at a type of old humour masculine that leaves me uncomfortable. Something from the 90's that wouldn't be broadcast today.

The third one is about him putting himself as a victim because of what I said and using what I said the single or two example as what he did "bad" and use these against me because he feels like I'm being harsh for only that. (Once again this is my pov). Yeah no my brain just didn't made a list of all the things that were problematic. I would feel that even if I did it would just be a reproach about me making a list anyway...

These don't help develop feelings toward him and I feel I just try to fit in a mold to be able to get love from that woman. And this part is the part where I'm sure to be wrong.

In the end I feel like the more I share my feeling, and it was hard to do so, the more I am made to understand that is a "me" problem because of my bias or trauma and I shouldn't inflict that on others. And when I don't share I'm the one in the wrong because I'm closeted.

Well their situation to both is complicated we all have our traumas and theirs are bigger than mine. (Not gonna detail that)

They lived horrible life before meeting each other and to be honest, from my pov, they seem dysfunctional together and co-dependant yet maybe this is a me bias because of my previous relationship.

As I have not much confidence and having a lot of fears of hurting people it's hard for me not try to analyze things and probably project my own interpretation of what I see and feel toward them.

I'm left with doubts, self loathing feeling as I tend to do so because I would rather be hurt than hurting, and I feel I'm just dysfunctional and this is only a personal problem.

We had a first argument about me sharing that I probably don't love him as much as the woman. And yes because we shared a lot more and there was more mutual understanding. But I've tried. I've tried... (Feeling angry now). I've been left with a second chance and that words makes me angry I feel like he tries to be a "good" person and he is the one doing good thing letting me in their lives.

I don't really know what to feel about that. I've ended up saying I'm not ready to keep this relationship on and it is my fault as that's were we left the discussion on. There was some qualities that he has (undeniably). But I'm not here to develop on that as I think this is a rant and way to put words on my feeling and maybe if someone has more insight that I do to just tell me. If I'm being totally stupid on this and that if this is just really me being... Me.. An overly fear projecting person that is, in the end being toxic toward people.

Put together a cute outfit just to exist and now I’m emotionally vulnerable to a random beer invitation on a Wednesday 😋

cross-posted from: https://lemmy.blahaj.zone/post/43277830

But it does not like me..

Hey everybody, happy wednesday! Hows your week? Its getting hot over here again, so ima stay inside 😂

Also, my gender appt is tomorrow!!! Im really nervous and cant get my mind of it. Drop your favorite memes or tell me a story or whatever to take my mind of it please and thank you 😂

Love you all, hope you cuties are having wonderful days! ❤️

My first name came from The Numbers trilogy by Rachel Ward about 16 years ago when I was still 15 years from realizing I was a girl. I put it aside for when/if I ever had a daughter, but I wanted to try it when I figured out I was trans and my wife and I weren't planning to have kids, and it was just, right. My middle name came from For Whom the Belle Tolls by Jaysea Lynn, which I read in January, then again in March. It was such an impactful book for me, so I love that I'll have it as part of my identity. I've been living with my first name for the last year, so the origin of it was well out of my brain when I settled on my middle name last night, but then the realization struck 😆

Maybe it shouldn’t be a thing? Trans Lemmy is so small that I think if anyone is subscribed to one, they’re prolly subscribed to the other, which means seeing the same post back to back?

Should /c/mtf be non-selfie, because the entire point of /c/trans_joy is showcasing happy trans people?

Or am I up my own butt about this?

I'm just trying to summarize my thoughts because I'm dead inside. Just slap the like button or something.

AMAB 37 Sweden. All I want is to " :3 " 😭

My local clinic, where I have my family physician, told me about three weeks ago that they cannot refer me to a gender identity clinic, because they "lack the knowledge. Please ask your psychologist (WHICH I DON'T HAVE?!) to refer you." So I did something called a self referral (direct translation from Swedish), which entails writing to the specialist (in this case, gender identity) clinic on my own. Three weeks later, today, I received a letter from the specialists saying "we cannot accept and evaluate self referrals, no matter how well written it is, because it often lacks vital information necessary to place you in queue for evaluation. It falls on your local clinic to acquire the necessary information to refer you to us." Fuck me from every direction, including the fourth dimension. I immediately called my local clinic to book an appointment with their psychologist. On Thursday, over the phone, I'm expected to explain myself, my dysphoria, once again. Tomorrow I'm meeting a person who could potentially become my first new friend in like ten years. I don't have the emotional capacity to have anxiety over this shit now. 😭🤮

Done. Thx.

When using tablets, are you supposed to take them with a sip of water (if oral), or not?

Basically I want to know if this unrelenting hunger means I'm going to have to make a trip to Finland on free bucket day. According to a polish friend, bread consumption is directly proportional to boob size. While I don't think that's necessarily true, I'm curious because I don't seem to be gaining weight at all

Hey everyone~~

oh no, it's been two months since I've posted anything around here, when I was looking for help. Seems like I'm way less interested in being terminally online when I'm living my best life.

So just a quick catch up: Been wearing skirts out pretty much exclusively and am loving it. Strangers have been less derogatory than I expected, I can still count the vocally bad encounters on my fingers. Something I didn't consider for a second in the anxiety around this I've had before - there's also people who just treat me better, warmer than I'm used to. Mostly women, actually.

Thanks to your kind advice I took more control over my journey, which felt incredibly good, mostly. Was lucky enough to find a gynecologist who gave me a private prescription of my first estradiol gel following informed consent, more or less. Dosage is on the low end, planning on increasing next week and hopefully adding some blockers into the mix.

Also contacted some more therapists and found someone very kind, who sent me the written indication I need to get access to HRT through health care. It got lost in the mail, though, second attempt should be out tomorrow x).

Last but not least, started a new job (software engineering, of course), which is exhausting, but also a pretty nice opportunity. That old trade-off, time or money, pick one - yikes. Had some downers lately as well, dysphoria is kicking in really bad at times, but I'll manage.

Well, today was a very special day. I went to the local registry office and officially changed my name and gender. It took three months of waiting and now I own an updated birth certificate with my new name and identity.

Didn't really expect this, but I can hardy describe how good that felt - I've had literal tears of joy. I'm not sure I ever had these, from laughing maybe, but not from pure, unadulterated joy. Such an amazing relief, to finally be able to do the paperwork to get rid of that old name.

One of my best friends accompanied me today, he was really sweet. He gave me a small rag doll and a lighter, explained that's deadname and I shall burn him and bury him somewhere. Absolutely gonna do that :>

Well, that's all for now, just had to shout this out somewhere.

Thanks for being here and being yourselves <3

I don't know if this is the right place to ask this, I apologize if it isn't.

Lately (as in a few years), I have been noticing a higher amount of "jokes" directed at trans (girls specially) in the line of "yes, a girl, but with an extra queue the laughs" and I don't really know if I'm personally just too sensitive and tired of these things or if is a more generalized sentiment.

I mean, those are things you could say to your trans friend when you're pretty close and both parts are on the same understanding that it's a joke, but just watching some video that has nothing to do with the theme and randomly getting the insert slur here (in Spanish there are many to choose from) is surprisingly tiresome.

Of course the moment you say "that's like a slur tbh" the "counter argument" is "it's a joke" and then I don't know what to say. Am I just too tired of the same "joke" or should I call it out? How do you see this "joke", "trend", whatever?

As another trans woman it has been so hard for me to connect with other trans women because of this.

I'm very critical of men and the way they behave in our society, and my cis girl friends and gay male friends almost always agree.

Now every time I bring this up to trans friends they jump to defend men, girl why are you defending men when they're literally the ones killing trans women and cis women at exponential rates and you're telling me that men don't have a problem??

I genuinely don't understand that need they have to defend men...

i don't know, maybe some of you know the expirience or at least something similar. i was thinking about asking this on the more general trans comm, but .. idk.

i used to play the male part for most of my life. i soon discovered, i liked boys a lot. (also i did like girls, but that faded somehow. i have new theories abt that...). it took long to accept that, even longer to embrace it. but when i went to uni in another town, i did not want to hold anything back anymore: i was gayyyyy.

i think now, that i repressed a lot of my bisexuality in that move. i wanted to be that deviant boykisser. what did i like abt homosexual relations?

• hotties be hotties ofc.
• it was radical defiance of norms! (edgy, i know. but that's what it felt like. the drama is different)
• i wasn't expected to use my genitalia for penetration. (that i understand now)
• i was allowed, to be softer, more feminine in presence of gay men. (that too, i only see now)

i know and accept, that i am trans for 1,5 years now. i'm on hrt for 6 month and it was the right choice. over the last months i joked about being unsure how i felt being straight now. it's not a joke. it's ramping up in the last weeks. there is this first thing, that it's basically not true, that i am exclusively into men. but i come to understand that of all men it's the gay ones (the fruity ones to be precise) that i love, as friends and as partners.

i am afraid rn that i am closing that door. that gay space i called home for 15 years (or so) may still welcome me, but it won't be my space anymore. it's bad statistcs, but gay men treat me differently. (which means i look more and more fem? yay.) it is less flirty (in the "yeah we're all gay" way, not the sexual way). i can't really describe a thing yet that i only noticed when it stopped.

i am sad. i can not see me dating heterosexual men. i know bi men exist, and even some heteros are a little softer. but this is not so much about dating. i am not interested in that rn. it's more about the label and an image of oneself. i feel naked without that gayness.

i feel there is a specific gay expirience, when you have to ask yourself for the first time if it might be okay to show some affection (just a little) toward your crush/friend. to show weakness, to break out of your role. i feel this was an expirience that connected me with my partners in the past.

ok i am loosing my point. TL;DR: i am increasingly sad, that i am not gay anymore.

xoxo kluczyczka

(also, do i call myself ex-gay now, to annoy the biggots?)

So, the longer skirt doesn't feel weird! I tried the shorter skirt, yeah, doesn't feel right- but the one that is softer and goes down to just below the knees? it's nice and I think I'm just gonna... wear it or jean shorts around the house now. :3

I'm 24 and I recently got kicked out, me and my roommates spoke and they want me out by the august. I first wanted to stat with how we got here, around 2 years I would move in my roommate K and her wife Z, things were overall going well but it became clear I was neglected as a kid, and chores were not my strong suite. I could do them but not very well. eventually K got another partner F and between the three it became rarer and rarer for people to depend on me for chores. I felt bad but admittedly did not whole a lot to handle it. K would start to get really upset with me and It spawned fears I would get kicked out to the point where I would have long periods of depression, eventually we would move to Nola, and things only got worse from there, I told K I wanted to as go to therapy but K said she did not believe I was going to get better and that I am focusing way to much on clinician diagnosis and I could of just googled autism hacks or adhd chore hacks and that I was being terrible cause I wanted to be terrible, I overall got a point where I would constantly self deprecate as K would really only be mean to me and we would fight non stop every single day, I was never invited to do anything, and my life sucked. I got the the point where I started to dissociate and it got to a point where I could not function at work, my depression was severe and I would mostly sleep during the day, I finally did get into therapy and on some good meds but it was too late, one week ago I was informed due to my actions I am getting kicked out, while I was offered a couch in Shreveport to sleep on, and maybe a roommate situation I was still very upset. I am at the point where I feel like I lost everything that matters to me, I did not want to go back to Shreveport and I feel absolutely devastated. I applied for jobs in Seattle, and Denver but I have not even gotten a call for interview yet, and I honestly lost hope. I just don't know, how does one rebuild from nothing, like I dont have a job, friends, family really anything. I have a car that everything I own fits into thats it. What do I do now??

still at my friends house, so I have a lot more time and freedom on my hands now!!!!

his mom has offered me more colors to try, I'll definitely take that offer up :3

Kinda sad I started feeling sick and couldn’t go out with my fiancée tonight 🥺

First off all, if this is offensive, let me know and maybe delete this post.
This is a thought both me and the SO had while we were just in bed.
We were talking about phantom pain, and how the brain can still feel pain from body parts that have since been removed. Think leg amputations etc.

You can see this coming, im sure, but do any trans have phantom pain after surgery? Like, pain in balls, penis, boobs, ... After they have been removed?
We legit want to know, as we are very intrigued in this stuff and (and i quote) "are freaky people" :p

Signed: cishet and queer

Edit: thanks for all the replies! Very insightful and interesting! Sorry for the 'freaky' comment, that was not intended to be hurtful. We are weirdos to even think of this stuff, but please remember we see you as human beings and not as freaks. We wish you all the best and a happy life!