Goodness that must have been tough. Well done!

Sounds like a lot of shock and denial from your mother, but as you say, I'm sure she'll get over it in time,

You should be very proud of yourself <3

Counterweights :3

Good question! I'm looking forward to the other replies :)

For me there's a very clear split before / after my egg cracked.

Before, although there's probably a lot more that was dysphoria but I didn't realize, there are two or three main things that stand out. First is the classic "not liking my reflection", although I wouldn't have put it like that. I guess seeing myself just looked... weird? Like when I see other people, they're just people. But for some reason I (mirror or photos) I just didn't look right, although I couldn't have said what was wrong. I guess I didn't really think I was ugly, but certainly I couldn't believe anybody else would find me good-looking or attractive and even after getting married I was convinced it was on personality alone (hah!). I definitely avoided looking at myself wherever possible.

Second was the "meat puppet" phenomenon, which I put down to being a nerdy, intellectual type. Of course I could feel things, and move instinctively etc, but I always had a very clear distinction between "my body" and "me". I was absolutely obsessed by authors such as Greg Egan who wrote about people uploading their consciousness into computers and robots, freeing them of their physical selves. Also, I was slightly the odd one out when it came to super powers: rather than shapeshifting, I wanted to be able to leave my physical form and become a kind of ghost (would you say "discorporating", perhaps?). A facet of this was that I had absolutely no incentive to maintain my physical health, which lead to obesity, alcoholism and a pretty shoddy appearance. As a teenager I was depressed for a long time (pretty obviously trans+ADHD related in hindsight) and didn't even wash for a year or so.

Finally I had a constant feeling that something HUGE was missing from my life. Have you ever seen the Red Dwarf episode "Back to Reality" with the despair squid? It felt like I was playing an RPG but my character was all wrong, and I was missing out on experiences I was supposed to be having. Particularly stories like "Your Name" (and earlier "Ah! My goddess!") where the characters lose their memories of their destinies or important interactions, and are forced to spend their lives searching for something they know is missing but can't remember, were painfully relatable.

Now everything is much simpler! If I see some stubble in the mirror, I think: "god damn, I look like a man". Or my voice sounds like a man, and I hate it. And that can spiral into a kind of "I'm just pretending to be a woman" depression. But those are brain worms, and I can usually calm down by thinking about something else. And there are good days too, where I like how I look and people treat me as a woman.

And that's dysphoria as I experience it.

Anecdotal, but I've been steadily losing weight since just before starting HRT, and no problems here :3

A starvation diet is probably not a good idea, though. Keep eating a good balance of nutrients!

Skinny girls can grow breasts. And it's not as if eating to excess is going to make them grow faster (although higher body fat will make everything bigger).

No problem. I wondered about the same thing until it turned out I was the trans one :P

There are lots of ways coming out could have gone horribly wrong, but I figured there were three "right" options.

1. Wife isn't interested in being married to a woman. Fair enough; result is an amicable split, presumably sharing child-raising responsibilities.
2. Wife not attracted to women but wants to stay together. Continue to cohabit as some kind of non-sexual family unit, possibly seeing other people on the side.
3. Wife realizes she's bi / willing to make an exception. Lesbian partners!

I guess I was prepared for 1, expecting 2, and hoping for 3. Currently at 2, but it could go either way.

In any event, I think it's unreasonable to expect someone who needs to transition to put it off for the sake of their partner, although not every trans person needs to transition.

In addition to the other comments, how about some nice-smelling body care products? Hair milk, lip balm, hand cream, deodorant etc. Floral scents make me happy!

Oh, and put on sunscreen every day.

Clothes-wise I am enjoying my long cardigan, a wearable blanket and a pair of knitted room shoes.

Thanks, I think you hit the nail on the head there. I've been coasting a bit recently and this was a bit of a "you're really doing this, right?" moment. Not really trying to boy-mode, but at the same time kind of reluctant to come out to the wider world. Although the idea of not doing it seems worse so... here goes, I guess?

And thank you for all the links!

prrrip

One of the things I've been hoping for with HRT (apart from boobs and so on) is more emotional depth. I have a not entirely undeserved reputation as an emotional black hole. I was going to complain about not seeing any of that this week, until I realized that I've been crying over random things all weekend that would ordinarily have me annoyed and looking for a drink. It's weird how much better I feel after, kind of like a cheat code.

A trans woman I've been following on Youtube recently posted a rant about the trans community, and she seems to have internalized a lot of right-wing transphobic talking points. That saddens me, because I've only just started unpacking all of my internalized transphobia and misogyny (and I thought I was an ally!) and I realize it's been causing me a lot of self-loathing.

Oh, and dialing in my dose after switching to injections sucks. I mean, I can top up with gel if need be, but every time I see man stuff coming back feels like waking up from a really good dream and realizing it was just a fantasy all along. Androgen blockers are available, but kind of a last resort here. Guess I might want to seriously consider orchiectomy^*^?

I want a hug :(

^*^ Autocorrect suggested "hysterectomy" instead, which -- I mean -- thanks for the affirmation, I guess?

It's pretty warm today, so I threw on a T-shirt and was about to head outside when I caught sight of myself in the mirror. Oh my god, the pokeys! Hmm, well a light sweater couldn't hurt. Even so, there's a definite... shape.

You guys, I think I might have boobs now <3

I decided to not worry about labels and instead figure out what I want. Who cares whether I'm Really Trans™ if I get to have a feminine body -- and that's something (if I'm honest) I've wanted so much since... well, as long as I can remember. Do I feel like a woman? Eh, who knows. I certainly never felt much like a man. Or a human, come to that.

And sure, some days I don't want to look at my dysphoria-inducing face practicing makeup, or listen to my dysphoria-inducing voice doing training, and that's fine. Put on some androgynous clothes, cuddle up with Blåhaj and Trust the Process while I watch a film or something. More often than not I end up wanting to do something girly anyway after a while.

And some days, when I get the tuck just right, and my hair isn't too bad, and I've got on some nice tight jeans and a cute sweater, I think: "do I want to be a trans woman?". And the answer is hell, yeah.

Oh shoot, episode 2 is out this evening, yay!

I will gladly admit to wanting to cosplay Rem.

Now: I have my own Estrogen and cake will make me fat, but let's hang out.

Past: Nah man, I'm cool being a guy. But we can still hang out. By the way, where do you keep the cake? Just so I don't accidentally eat any of it, you understand.