My week was very not good, sadly. I had to take my grandpa to the ER on Friday, and then I got broken up with Friday evening. Had a ten hour video shoot Saturday, just been pretty overwhelmed with work and home life in general. Things will work out ok, but this week has been a lot lol

My dark and brooding backstory? Idk how deep to go into it, but I can give the cliff notes of what lead up to my transition. (It ended up longer than I expected, apologies)

All my life, I've had a deep admiration for women. I didn't actually have a sexual awakening until I was like 22, so very late compared to most of my friends. I just felt this extreme envy of the opposite sex, and I was like "this must be what other people mean by attraction" lol. I spent most of my years feeling like I didn't fit into my box. When my dude friends talked about girls, I just could not relate at all. I couldn't get into the macho, masculine role it seemed like I was supposed to fill. I did musical theater in high school, and was exposed to the wider gamut of gender expression and sexuality through it, since in my experience theater communities tend to be pretty diverse in that way. I saw friends transition, but I didn't think it was something that was actually possible for me.

When I became an adult, moved out and was living with friends, that's when something inside me clicked, the hormones turned on, and I was overwhelmed by a new side to life I hadn't previously been experiencing. I got on dating apps, went on many dates, had one or two short term girlfriends, but I found that my heart just was not in it. I liked girls, and still do, but again I felt like something about this dynamic I was inserting myself into wasn't fitting.

During this period, I also spent a lot of time on grindr talking to various dudes and meeting up, having encounters, etc. Grindr is a wretched place but it felt like a very low-stakes environment to experiment with all these new feelings I was having. After a while, I found that I still couldn't shake the feeling that people were expecting things of me I just couldn't gel with. Like "if only I could have gay sex, but like, as a woman, you know?"

I found that I was so much happier with myself when I got rid of all my body hair. For some stupid reason though, I thought my friends would judge me if they saw me like that, so when we made water related plans I would get anxious and let it grow out until that event was over. I felt like I had to balance the times when I could be myself with the times I needed to fill the expectations of people in my life.

All of this time, I was DEEPLY unhappy. I had been unbelievably anxious and struggling with major depression for most of my life, and so around a few years ago I started to seek help and try to improve myself. I got therapy, learned I was experiencing OCD, got medicated, and suddenly didn't feel insane all the time. I made new friends, filled my life with social events, and felt less alone. I tried new substances, accidentally had an extreme mushroom trip, and felt a strange, detached clarity I didn't imagine was possible.

All in all, I started to live happier, and no longer caught up in these wells of depression from which I could not escape. Finally I was unburdened by baggage that had been weighing me down for so long, and with my newfound clarity of thought, I could start looking at my life and piecing things together. I'd had the DIY HRT resources open on my computer for a whole year, but now I had the mental fortitude and courage to do something about it, combined with a support structure I felt confident in. I made an appointment at Planned Parenthood and I never looked back.

Finally I feel like I "fit." I can be myself all year, and not have to worry about if I'm not performing masculinity enough for the people around me. I just feel myself, and I feel free. I have never been happier.

It's been ok. Last night I went to a queer friendly bar and the event of the evening was a gin tasting thing where you pay $20 and try a flight of fancy gins. I bought it with friends, and the dude doing the tasting was not a member of staff, he was a gin vendor only in for the evening. He was super bubbly and friendly to everybody before us, and explained the taste profiles of the gin and their backstories, etc. But when we went up and he asked us our names, as soon as he heard me speak he shut down immediately. We spent half an hour in awkward silence tasting gins,and he was outright rude when I asked him questions to try to kickstart a conversation. He didn't even tell us the names of the drinks he was pouring, let alone their flavors or whatever. This has never happened to me before, and it sucked to be locked in to it. Really ruined my night, but the rest of the week was fine

For me, the biggest hurdle was reconciling the changes I wanted to see in myself with the fear that they'd destroy the life I already had. I wanted to start HRT as soon as possible, but I was worried that developing visible breasts would cost me my job and my relationships with my family. I wanted to be referred to with different pronouns and a different name, but I was worried I would be "asking too much" of my friends, and demanding too much attention for myself. I wanted to fet rid of all my body hair, but I was afraid people would react negatively to me when we go out swimming, etc.

I found that I was making bigger deals out of these things than they really were. I am extremely fortunate to be surrounded by people who love me, and so the fear of rejection was really something I was just generating in a vacuum. I still have a job I love, and nobody treats me differently with a more feminine appearance and bra lines under my shirt lol. My friends were immediately accepting of my identity, and more than happy to call me whatever I wanted. And truly, nobody gives a fuck how much body hair I have when I go swimming haha.

These fears were things I just had to tackle one at a time to overcome, and it was really hard for me. In the end though, I am so much happier having pushed through them to live as myself, finally.

Thanks a ton for reading my post! That's a really helpful reframing, honestly. I am sure she waited just to give me space to find the right time. And yeah, makes sense that a mother is more likely to just know lol. She knows me in a way most people never will.

Thank you!!

Yes! I've got a few I can share:

This is the puppy dog eyeliner tutorial I followed. I didn't use white eyeliner on the lower lid cause I don't have any rn, but it was still super helpful! https://youtu.be/-q1Zl_UPZYQ?si=gSgvkQV3bPgxy8O8

Here's a like tips and tricks video from Nikkie la Rose I learned a lot from, too! Her videos are great https://youtu.be/AqygMgKhFlE?si=KwaRa8xSbzJBUbso

And here's a makeup tutorial for trans women that was basically my guiding light for starting my makeup journey https://youtu.be/Gne_ktOGBJ8?si=UkvDOJgQpdZxVe5Q

Thankful to live in a time where this is actually true lol

Laughed out loud at this. Very funny thought to have a gallon milk jug of mercury, what's she doing with that?!

Oh yeah, that form factor is completely ideal! You'd get better range and acceleration than I do in something like that, plus it would look sick. I hope you're able to make the conversion some day!

Thank you! I was very pleased to finally get it on the road.

LMAO, yeah my brain would be toast. I'd hope my discord friends would tell me to stop, rather than congratulating me haha. Ecstasy is nice like, once every several months!

You might try an a-line dress! I got one on amazon for very cheap and it was the first thing that ever fit me in a way I was really happy with. They have measurement charts and as long as you are around the right numbers I think you'd find success.