Anyone Else? Can't just me me, right?
To raise children: No license needed. We need more of them anyways. Please pump out as many of them as you can!
The number of people who advocate for this seriously and unironically is astounding. How would anyone implement licencing or checks in a way that isn't a basic human rights violation?
There's no way to do that, I understand the desire though…
Unfortunately the good solutions are all non-authoritarian left-wing (free high quality education, accessible therapy, walkable mixed-zones cities so kids are safe on their own by design, free health- and daycare, good strong social security, high wages and strong job security, lower working hours etc. etc.), so literally the furthest thing away from the current political climate. Either because right-wingers hate it in general or because they're so stuck in their phantasms they won't identify the correct solution if it was standing right in front of them.
Technically, my parents needed a permit from PRC government before they could give have children (has nothing to do with "whether you can parent or not" tho, its a birth control thing).
准生證 (baidu site via google translate)
Wikitionary: https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/%E5%87%86%E7%94%9F%E8%AD%89#Chinese
But anyways, they violated the One Child Policy (it was in effect when I was born) so... here I am... my existence is technically "illegal" lol
my existence is technically “illegal” lol
Small community Lemmy, you're one of those commenters that I feel like I kinda know (even though I totally don't. But I seem to upvote you a lot, so you're recognizable in a good way.) I just want to say, I think this is a really cool fact about you. It's like you were born a badass.
The only things that could make it cooler would be if you were born with your middle fingers raised, or your first words were, "Fuck the system" (in any language.)
i get your point but wow i do not want to live in a world where the government can explicitly decide who can have kids and who can’t
Ah, the wisdom of Keanu :)
You know, Mrs. Buckman, you need a license to buy a dog, or drive a car. Hell, you need a license to catch a fish! But they'll let any butt-reaming asshole be a father.
Adopting a rescue dog has various home checks and interviews and welfare checks. Leaving hospital with a baby: "Do you have a car seat for them?", "Yes...", "You're all good to go then!", "..."
Adopting a human has the same checks...
"Stop that, you could get hurt!"
"Ugh, just be on my side for once!"
Probably the first time I have seen someone else start a conversation about it, instead of me doing and people feeling comfortable enough to join in with their two cents.
My dad would occasionally tell us stories from his childhood. Stuff like his dad grabbing him by the shirt collar and repeatedly punching him in the face. When I was a kid it was just another story. When I got old enough to actually understand what he was talking about it was like, "God damn. No wonder you're like this."
I couldn't help but feel sorry for him. It didn't undo anything he did but it did help me hate him less.
I think I'm really fortunate that my dad somehow realized he completely fucked up and made an effort to repair his relationship with his kids. We're on good terms now and he's a way better Grandpa than he was a father. I know a lot of people go through their whole lives only getting to see the worst side of their parents. My dad included.
You are not alone. Your parents do not define your value. Despite their best or worst efforts, they do not ultimately get to decide what kind of person you will be.
My dad would occasionally tell us stories from his childhood. Stuff like his dad grabbing him by the shirt collar and repeatedly punching him in the face.
Bruuuh. I feel like I really shouldn't complain that much. Some of y'all got even more fucked up childhood than I did. My parents never hit me that hard, it was merely slap on my hand. So like... in an "overton window" where corporal punishment is socially acceptable, its actually kinda tame in comparison. I'm never gonna be like "okay" with that idea, its still very... unacceptable regardless of how society views hitting your kids, but like, to be fair, judging by that standards, on that "overton window", I didn't get abused that badly. My parents also didn't drink or gamble, so... I guess I got lucky the abuse is mostly just emotional. (still... depression is kinda slowly making me wanna kms)
(still... depression is kinda slowly making me wanna kms)
I tried that once when I was a teenager. Obviously, I failed. Kind of a cruel irony being told that you're never going to amount to anything and then, as you're working on your own suicide, you suck so bad at tying knots that you fail at that too.
20+ years later, I'm glad I failed. Depression is a deep dark hole that can feel completely inescapable. It's not inescapable with the right help. You don't have to do it alone. You just have to be willing to ask for help.
My life so far has been a hard one. It's been made much harder by the fact that my stupid little brain is broken and makes it extremely difficult to regulate my own emotions. But there's glimmers of joy in the middle of all the hardness. I have things now that I never could have imagined on that day in my parents garage.
Things like self love and a sense of self worth, a family of my own, people to whom I matter a great deal, and a wealth of experiences that have taught me a great many valuable lessons. Back then I didn't think anyone would care if I stopped existing. Now, I know that's not true. Sometimes I'm still here because I'm enjoying my life. Sometimes because I know there are people who love and need me. Somwtimes it's because even though I don't feel like that's true, I know it is and I'm leaning on my meds until my feelings normalize. For me, that's enough to keep me here until my time is finally up.
Sometimes I think I'd prefer physical abuse instead of the constant emotional stuff that makes you doubt yourself decades later. Like, my therapist tells me it was bad but they're a therapist, isn't that what they'd say? Mommy Dearest told me no one beat me so it's not abuse. Abuse is complicated.
Ah, the constant, unpredictable flipping between affection and cruelty. Sure made for a lovely childhood! Definitely didn't contribute to a lifelong fear of social interaction, and the resulting isolation.
My mother has never properly apologized to me for anything in her life. She says she's not the perfect mother but if you ask her about details of what she feels she did wrong, she will get angry. I honestly don't talk to her anymore. Homophobic, racist, islamaphobic, etc. I don't need to put up with that and no one else should be forced to either.
Abusive parents the second you defend yourself effectively: "I didn't know you had teeth, sorry for biting you."
Damn, a whole lotta folks with not the greatest childhoods.
I think I may have been luckier than I realized.
All my parents did for me was neglect me. They weren't mean to me or anything. I don't even know if they knew i was alive.
That was the case. She lost my trust since I was very young. But fortunately I have a great father, who is intelligent and caring. I often feel sorry for him to have to live with my mother. On the bright side, their relationship seems get better in the resent years. Maybe time did heal.
You're not alone.
"I did my best"
You never even TRIED taking responsibility for anything, maybe divert some of that effort there instead.
Oh god that hit me hard. My mother's is "but I raised good children" i.e. the ends justified the means.
Yeah but you could have done it differently too! It's not mutually exclusive!
I love to make a positive impression on the world. I love to empower children, give comfort to those around me, to volunteer my energy and talents for a greater good.
But in the back of my mind, sometimes there's a little voice that reminds me, "Whatever good you put into the world, your mom can vicariously claim to have created. This will never not be true, because she is responsible for your existence."
And I hate it. I learned what not to be by observing her. I learned how hypocrites are able to function, how some people are able to override reality with their "feelings," and how manipulators manage to get their way. Credit goes where it's due, for sure, but she really shouldn't be proud of the things she taught me. I became who I am in spite of her, not because of her.
I fully understand and empathize this. No matter what I do, it's thanks to her in her eyes. My faults and failings are of course not hers, but all of the wins and accomplishments are.
More context needed. Sometimes my kids are savages, so yelling does occur on occasion. They're usually pretty great, though.
Edit: yikes, people took my comment way too seriously. I don't literally think my kids are savages, jfc. No shit, you shouldn't yell at your kids. I typically don't. But, I am not perfect, and neither is literally every single parent. We're humans and there are days where we have shorter breaking points and our feelings get the best of us, especially when your kids are being super energetic, chaotic, and not listening to anyone. The important thing isn't NOT yelling 100% of the time, it's apologizing and explaining what happened to them afterwards when it does get the better of you.
It depends on how and if your repair the damage you cause by yelling. Kids aren't savages; they're kids.
Honestly, I feel like I have repressed memories, I mean, the fear of the voice of yelling overshadowed whatever I supposedly "did wrong" and I never really encoded those into memory, since the fear was so overwhelming.
I mean, one of the things I do remember is she always ask me to help her with something, usually like translating letters, or help fill out forms in English, and since I learned English at school, she just forces me to translate stuff, and I kinda got tired of it sometimes, try to not do it or be like "later" then she gets mad.
Hmmm.... ugh I can't remember, must've been just too repetative my brsin refused to encode it.
I remember my older brother fight with me all the time, so we both get yelled at. Like we'd fight over who gets more food or something, or something about fairness. (poverty problems lol)
Or perhaps there is some school-related problem and my mother would argue with teachers, then use insults against me.
They (especially my mother) say stuff like "細路仔要乖乖聽話" ("Kids like you need to be more obedient"?) or "點解你死都唔聽我哋教你阿？我哋喺為你好，隔離屋會唔會理你阿？" ("Why would you rather die and not even listen to what I have to teach you? I am looking out for your interest! A neighbor wouldn't even care about you!" (because she is my biological parents and the "the only person in the world that cares about me"))
Also, she tells me: 世上只有妈妈好，没妈的孩子像根草。(Only mom is the best in the whole world, a child with no mother is like a blade of grass.) Basically it's sort of like: Your wellness depends on me, if I die, your life will be miserable, you should thank me.
@NorthWestWind@lemmy.world sorry to tag you, but you speak Cantonese so: have your parents ever said stuff like this? Standard Cantonese family bullshit right? Tell me this isn't just me?
Yelling is never okay unless there's imminent danger and yelling is needed to prevent it.
Never ok? Bullshit. Verbal abuse exists and it beyond not ok, but there is a huge fucking gap between never ok and verbal abuse.
Nope. Yelling isn't okay. Parents are human and may do it anyway, but it's always a mistake and should be treated as such (except in the case of danger as mentioned above). It absolutely should be avoided as much as possible. It's an incredibly harmful thing to do (for any relationship, actually).
I agree. I yell on my children on occasion, but it's a thing I regret every time, yelling is not okay.
Child walking onto the street in front of a truck? Billy please come here, please don't walk into a truck. Never is such a strong word. And I have a mother who yelled, frequently, and I still think there are a few cases. Parents aren't infallible or perfect.
I'm very fortunate that I have great parents and was brought up well. I've never been treated badly by them. However, they have a very strained relationship with each other and it's been like this for years. But they're still together. It's very uncomfortable for me and my siblings because they can barely be in the same room for an hour without an argument breaking out.
Sometimes I think they should have divorced years ago and they would have been much happier.
My parents were physical with me early in life until they felt they could talk it out. My family always put restrictions on things and I didn’t really have input into things while I was there, my adult relationship was largely listening to them complain about their health, dodge political conversations and really never got to input anything into a conversation. If I did mention something they treated it as an ask for guidance and not just something to talk about. My parents never knew the real me that they developed. Thankfully I diverged after I left home as their politics are ghastly
I still haven’t decided when or if I’ll ever tell my mom about the ptsd she gave us. At this point, with the ways she’s changed over the years, I’m not confident she’ll listen or believe me.
I tried for years to decide that, and with therapy learned that was I doing it for her or me, and if for me does it really help? She'll never change, so it does no good. Instead I keep her a healthy distance away. I still see her, but measured intervals.
I came to the same conclusion. I know how my mom reacts to news she doesn't like - she defaults to denial. My memory has always been stronger than hers, so there's no shortage of incidents that I remember, that she has long forgotten. (The tree remembers what the axe forgot, after all.) If I were to attempt to bring things up, she'd deny such things ever happened. Instead of me having catharsis and her having self-recognition, I'd be put in a defensive position and she'd say I'm exaggerating or making things up. Which is to say, attempting to have a serious talk with her always makes me feel worse.
Thankfully, I have siblings, and they remember what our childhood was like. We have all given up on trying to get our mom to see the light. Instead, we have a secret group chat where we can vent as needed.
Who's got a good story?
I've told this story before, but basically, I was like... idk 10 maybe, and I was in NYC, waiting for the subway with my mom, then this mini-earthquake happens (like very very minor), we didn't notice because the subway masked the shaking, so my mother coincidentally tried to make a phone call, call failed, IMMEDIATELY SCOLDS ME AND BLAMES ME FOR "BREAKING" THE PHONE. What actually happened was people were all trying to call because of the shaking so phonelines got clogged 😭 (this was before 5G, so congestion was a huge issue in big city). Like bruuhhh, literally got blamed for something a (mini) earthquake caused, so at the time I was thinking like: why is the 'god of the earth/ground' messing with me?
Not my mother, but on one occasion my father got really, really drunk. He wound up falling down the stairs and injuring himself. Out of an abundance of caution, my sister called emergency services. When the EMTs arrived and started taking care of him, he told them that I was driving. 0.o
That's harsh, sorry to hear...
Ooof. That's rough. How's your relationship with her now?
Ahhh, yes. The Hand that rocks the cradle rules the world.
Bad parents pointing at "screaming at your child regularly":
Is this being strict?
I only want whats best for you
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