CW: transphobic boomers. This is going to be a rambling mess. Sorry
So I've definitely had some form of gender dysphoria for as long as I can remember. It's usually manifested as relatively mild things like having significantly more female friends than male friends, choosing female video game characters, and liking more traditionally female hobbies like baking fancy cupcakes. But I never really "acted like a girl" or dressed up and have absolutely no interest in makeup or clothing.
I'm also very much into girls so I never really gave gender much thought. That being said I was always very envious of my lesbian friends because I'm of the opinion that there's nothing more beautiful than two women in love. Although I mostly had bi girlfriends so maybe I give off certain signals.
Now when I mentioned choosing female characters, I mean exclusively. The only male character I've chosen was my avatar on stardew valley and then only because my SO wanted to play with me as me. And to be honest I never saw myself as a girl/woman, I just really wanted to be sometimes. I'm given to understand that when most guys look in the mirror they think things like "I'd look better if I got shredded, or grew a beard whereas I was always more of the opinion that big pillowy tits, thick thighs and an ass so big you can see it from the front would definitely be better.
And then there's all the ways testosterone fucks up my life. I'm constantly angry over nothing and it makes me hate myself. As well as feeling like a bono on crack the whole time. I just want to talk to my friends without constantly daydreaming of ploughing them.
So all that has been building for some time but recently I discovered that an acquaintance from highschool had gone through a transition since we lost touch, and she was living her best life in the fullest sense of the term. I found out because my mother had saved a clipping from a newspaper talking about her novel being nominated for a prize. Not because she thought I would want to know that one of my classmates was successful, but because she thought it was hilarious that someone I knew had transitioned (my mother is a toxic woman). These sentiments were echoed by my father (another deeply flawed individual). But in spite of their obvious amusement, I felt nothing but admiration towards her. She had done this big thing and done it in a rural community. I wish I had the ovaries to do that. So I decided I'd buy her book since my parents had advertised it so effectively.
So recently I was sitting at my desk in my shitty office doing my shitty job and I was brought to the verge of tears by the realisation that being a man was something I never wanted and was making me deeply unhappy. I haven't been happy in as long as I remember. I realised that the first half of my life had gone by and I'd not enjoyed it. It was actually reading through the posts on blåhaj that told me why.
The issue is that I have built a life around my male self. And while it's humble, I don't want to loose everything. I'm sure my partner and kids would be fine with it, but I'm also sure that some degree of prejudice would also follow them if I embraced my true identity. I desperately want to do hrt but I'm apprehensive.
Thoughts?
Okay most importantly, the only person who can answer this question is you. You gotta look deep into yourself and see what truly makes you happy. I know that's not helpful but the real answer is always going to be baby steps and lots of self check-ins.
Once I had my own egg crack moment, I just started trying on different type of clothes, see what made me happy, what made feel bad and especially what made me feel nothing at all. Then after deciding on things that made ME happy, I went out by myself to see how it felt to be viewed differently. I won't lie, there was good moments but there were lots of scary ones too. But every time I got back home, I just wanted to do it again. Things got better slowly not because the world had changed, but how I have changed when I interacted with it. Again privately, I started adding make up, jewlery and wigs. Every new thing just made me excited to go outside and less scared of anyone who made me feel crappy, because I just felt so damn good myself. Going to the grocery store, to the movies, etc. Eventually a stranger called me "miss" and it damn near stopped my heart. So I made the next step of telling the people in my immediate circle that I wanted to use "she/her" and that took them some time, but the people in my life that valued my happiness stayed, those who didn't... well clearly I wasn't a priority to them, so why were we even friends? That's fundamental to ANY relationship.
Then came a month of me deciding on names.
Then a month of trying on labels, like "trans woman", "non-binary" or "femme".
Then starting HRT.
Then changing those labels and names when I realized a better fit.
Then a year or so legally changing my name.
All slowly, all baby steps, all finding out what in your heart-of-hearts make you happy. There is no wrong answer to happiness. Only what harms other, and dressing in a way that makes you happy ABSOLUTELY IS NOT harming anyone. Existing is not a crime.
Here I am several years later, still following the things that make me happy. Movies and TV will show trans people as "getting the surgery" and then blamo, brand new person. That's fiction, it's always a slow, delibrate and introspective process.
I've love friends, relationships, but I have a new family I know cares for me and a new wife that loves me for exactly who I am, not who she wants me to be. I haven't stopped looking for new things that might make my happy... but why should I ever? Why should you ever? Should anybody!? That's life! So go start experimenting with what makes you feel joy! You owe it to yourself, and you owe it to the people who care about you. Realizing that something makes you happy and then NOT depriving yourself only fosters resentment.
So whoever you are, I'm excited and delighted that you're asking these questions. I hope this is the start of something big, that five years from now you'll look back on and laugh. Like I do half a decade later. And if you decide that all of this was a mistake, that's okay too, well now you know! That's an amazing achievement too!
I'm glad you have such a positive response. I find it very encouraging. The only thing standing in my way right now is broaching the subject with my SO. She is very left leaning and bi. But she fell in love with the man me and is bi not pan. So during the androgynous middle ground which might take years to get through, she will not find me physically attractive in the slightest.
Is not liking androgynous people something your wife has actually told you about her sexuality? Because all the bi people I've heard have represented it as liking both "same and different" rather than "binary men and women". It can, as you say, take time to adjust, though.
Also note that HRT can be more like an exponential dropoff: it can take years to get the full effects, but a HUGE amount will happen in the first six months or so.
She's said as much
Understanding yourself as trans, and deciding to transition are two very different things. I have the privilege to go out in the world as myself, but trans folk in various middle eastern countries would be killed for doing so. I am no more or less trans than any of them purely because of my context. Lots of trans women are not out to their jobs, so the are only themselves on the weekend. It's tragic, but maintaining personal safety will always take priority.
Which is why I think moving slowly and making sure you KNOW what makes you happy, before deciding to let others know this aspect of yourself. Worrying about her reaction is putting the cart before the horse.
But let's say the day comes where you do KNOW and want someone you love to know who you are. That's also a baby step.
Well, that sounds like fear and anxiety talking to me but I won't presume to know your wife. However if she is bi, than I can't imagine she is so rigid in gender roles that she would hate you for stepping outside of them. And even if so, have you considered perhaps not changing your gender and place in the world right this moment, but just changing yourself? Doing something FOR yourself. You already mentioned wanting to go on HRT, but that doesn't mean coming out. The majority of trans women on HRT for years before talking to their family.
Just know that are options for life post-egg crack. None are wrong, or better than each other and I couldn't tell you what is right for you. But I do know that that it's not selfish to find happiness. If you are posting here, then I think you owe it to yourself to begin exploring. Just for no other reason to understand yourself better.