My coworkers every Monday: Did you do anything fun over the weekend?
Me every Monday: Yes. I slept a lot. It was awesome.
I hate when coworkers ask me this, I do the same thing every weekend - recharge. Sleep. Catch up on laundry and vacuuming. Clean out the fridge. I wouldn't consider it fun, but necessary.
Yep. I sit in the glorious quiet and don't talk to people
There's so many people that see socialization as a form of relaxation.
For a good number of neurodivergents, being social is work.
By the time I'm done a work week in an office where everyone is continually socializing, I just want to melt into my couch and become a part of it for the entire weekend.... I don't have the mental capacity to deal with anyone.
This is why I work from home.
Doesn't socialising drain everyone? After a social event I need at least 1 or 2 hours by myself at home to decompress before I can be functional again, or even go to bed.
NT's tend to use socializing as a form of R&R
Can confirm. Socializing (in particular with known people, not necessarily friends) is a great way for me to recharge. If I am on my own for too long (24h), I start feeling demotivated and sad. Same if overall I don’t socialize enough over the week. As far as I understand, that doesn’t have only to do with being NT, because I know a friend with autism with the same interest in constant socialization (they just have a stricter “balance” to keep between socializing as recharging and socializing while masking as tiring)
The fact that your autistic friend can gain social energy from their friends could be a sign that they have really good friends. :)
Those of us on the spectrum often still want to socialize, it's just harder for us than for NTs. When we find someone who clicks with us, it can be intense. Sometimes it's too intense and the other person is scared off. Sometimes both ourselves and the friends are bringing equal energy, and in those times we may get to experience the same "social recharging" that I suspect NTs feel from most socialization.
Although in my (AuDHD) experience, those situations usually result in our energy levels climbing so high that we have to repeatedly be asked to lower our voices, or we completely distract each other from whatever we're both supposed to be focusing on (like at work or school.)
Well meaning question: is it true for you as well that socializing in places where clear rules are established is easier? I have friends that enjoy both dancing classes and board game clubs for this reason: the behavioral rules are clear ahead of times. On the other hand, I often find that type of socializing limiting.
100%. Funny, I made a different comment in this thread to that effect, regarding the difference between running a party (thus having a clear role) and attending a party (thus having no clue what to do.)
I enjoy board game parties and meetups, because they provide structure to the event. I go in and I know what I'm going to be doing. I also know there will be breaks between events as people finish one game and begin another, which is a perfect time to stand up and go, "This was fun, but I've gotta get going," if I feel that I need to. No explanation or excuse needed.
I function surprisingly well at socializing at work. It's a place I know my role, I know the rules, and I know the extent to which I can relax and be myself. People can even see the real me peek out when I'm able to notice and keep on top of things that others miss. It's part of the "role" I have at work, and it's satisfying that for once my attention to detail is able to be an asset (instead of just another thing that feeds my ADHD.)
At family parties, I have been "the babysitter" ever since my oldest cousin had her first kid, when I was a teenager. The future-MAGA aunts and uncles were mere Bush Jr fans at the time. The toxic spew they unleash was always around, they just spewed it onto family and friends instead of on the internet. My cousin had her first kid at the perfect time. The little one became a toddler just as I was finding myself and my values. I was eager to do something at family parties besides sit quietly around terrible people and attempt to repress my anger. But looking after and entertaining a little kid? Heck yeah. I just do what my inner-child says to do (after my inner-adult safety checks it, of course.) Let's go blow some bubbles and search for rocks that look like hearts. I'll teach you about the bugs we find and show you how to draw a pumpkin.
Okay, I think my ADHD got ahead of me again, but my point is: yes. Having rules and structure (either provided by others or self-designated) goes a long way toward making social situations tolerable for me.
I just feel like it's the same as any other activity, doesn't drain energy any extra
Imagine being introverted, autistic, with social anxiety, being married to an extrovert ADHD person.
Well hey there, other person apparently living my life. You wouldn't happen to also be ace would you? Lol
My marriage is great but these are struggles. It gets easier over time as long as you both try to work together.
Not ace :)
We've been married for 20 years. Yes, there are struggles, but we learned that each one of us can have their own separate slices of life as well. While she goes to a meetup, I cook at home. While she goes to a party, i meet up with a buddy, jamming. I'm okay in smaller groups, especially if I get to cook :)
It sounds like yall have a lovely life and I wish you the best :)
I appreciate you! :)
I'd be glad to host their parties, but if they want me to be their +1 at a friend's party, I'd have to think about it.
An interesting thing I learned about myself after I started running birthday parties (at the place I worked) is that I actually can enjoy parties - if I'm the person running it. Instead of a nebulous crowd of strangers that I have no idea what to do with, I have a role, the host. I can go around and introduce myself with a clearly defined reason to do so. I can get to know people by offering to refill their snacks and drinks. I can plan when things happen and when things end, including when people arrive and when they gotta leave.
I enjoy doing things for others, and I can direct my usual-anxious energy into simply checking in on people and making sure everyone's having a good time. Guests appreciate it, and it helps reassure me that I'm doing something right. Crucially, I know other people are neurodiverse like me (especially if they're coming to a party of mine), so I make sure to set aside one room (when I can) as a sort of "calm room." If someone starts to feel overwhelmed, I bring them to the calm room so they can be alone for a bit. (It's better than hogging up the bathroom, which is what I tend to do when I get overwhelmed at others' parties.) I make sure they know that I wouldn't be offended if they chose to leave early, but also that they are welcome to take their time and return to the party any time they want.
I've only had two friends take up the offer so far, but they were both super grateful for the option (and both returned to the party afterwards.)
I actually enjoy cooking, and going to events or parties where I get to cook, now that I can manage.
I'm okay in small-ish groups in general, and she knows that after a social event I need some alone time.
Both your experiences sound similar to my partner and I: they are neurospicy,, I am extrovert. We found what works for us: they decide date and plan, I invite people and coordinate. They plan the menu and are in charge of cooking, that gives them the excuse to “go to the kitchen” for as long as they need at any point and, as already said, a structure to interact with people.
That sounds oh so familiar:)
Having 30+ people over for her birthday was horrifying, but I was in the kitchen most of the time, with the occasional person dropping by...
Luckily it wasn't a dinner party but a buffet & fire pit outside situation. I even came out after dark, to sit by the fire with her and a few people that stayed late :D
This does happen to me. When I go out to family gatherings, I am exhausted coming home, often needing to nap for a couple of hours before doing anything.
Family gatherings specifically mean the whole day is done for even if they're just 2 hours long. I need the rest to recover.
100%. I've managed to cultivate my "social battery" over decades to the point I can attend family events or work stuff for 4-6 hours, but after that I need to recuperate.
It's normal to be tired after a social activity, but 45 minutes of lying on the floor isn't exactly what I would call normal.
No that's very executive dysfunction coded
Yes. It takes me forever to do anything and I feel like I never have enough time due to this, but if lying on the floor after work gets my dishes done 🤷
This tends to happen for me under specific circumstances. Like if its work related, or its a new social environment with people I don't know as well, or it involves social activities that require live performance from me of some kind.
That's a shutdown.
I get that for days sometimes
I rarely shower and just go to bed.
Oh do I ever ^^
Me denying all invites to social things week after week (yes it's a me issue, yes I try my best to be present when it counts)
recently told my friends to just think about me as the most asocial person you know except I like them and just get burned out going out
If anyone ever calls me that, we are not going to be friends.
Daaamn this Person socialze!i am usualla social for one hour and the Rest of the time i am masking...
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