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submitted 2 days ago by carotte to c/curatedtumblr@sh.itjust.works

Show transcriptScreenshot of a Tumblr post by nongunktional:

when i first heard about the male loneliness epidemic i was like oh yeah close camaraderie and bonding between men is often discouraged in favor of competition or, if not discouraged, at least filtered through a lens of individualism that precludes deep connections. and then i learned what people meant by it (men arent getting laid) to which i say skill issue

to all the men out there not getting laid: try less hard to get laid and try more hard to be an enjoyable and relaxing presence

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[-] pjwestin@lemmy.world 22 points 23 hours ago

OK, but...no? That's not what people are talking about with the male loneliness epidemic. They're talking about how an inability to connect with their peers on a more than superficial level, coupled with a lack of older male role models, are causing Gen Z and Millennial men to report extremely high levels of loneliness.

It's tangentially related to, "getting laid," as many of these men are driven towards misogynistic monosphere influencers who make sexual conquest a measure of self-worth, but that's a symptom of the problem, not the totality of it. Also, some people debate the existence of the loneliness epidemic altogether, but no one defines it as, "men aren't getting laid."

[-] Nangijala@feddit.dk 37 points 1 day ago

I think it is funny how you post this, then in the comments deny that this is the type of opinion someone like you, a proud leftist feminist have, and that it is actually most men who think like this.

depends on your circles. in feminist and leftist circles, it usually means the first but most men outside of those circles use it just to mean “im not getting the dates i am ENTITLED to 😡"

If that is the case, why did you make this post? What was the purpose of your post if this isn't how you think about lonely men? What did you want to achieve with it? I can tell you, that you're not going achieve anything positive.

I assume you'd like to be treated with respect and compassion yourself since you have that blåhaj attached to you. That respect and compassion is a two way street.

The fact that SOME men feel entitled to women doesn't mean that most men think or feel like that. The loneliness many men (and women for that matter) feel is very real and it is a far bigger and more complex issues than just "lawl, can't get laid".

I personally know what it is like to be mistreated by very bad men. It left deep scars on me that I have to carry for life. However, I promised myself that I would not become a man hater back when I was going through my trauma. I refused to let a couple of asshole determine how I would meet the world and the men in it. It would be unfair to those who had never done a thing to me and it would be unfair to myself because I was better than that.

You too are better than this and you either have to start treat all people with respect and compassion if you want the same in return or you need to own that it is in fact not "most men" who think like this, it is you who think like this. Stand by your convictions and own them or change course because you know that what you're putting out into the world right now is ugly and reductive.

[-] Mniot@programming.dev 2 points 22 hours ago

I believe you're misreading their posts. In the text that you quoted, they say, "I think f(X) and g(X) both exist. I think that X is actually two populations: X~a~ and X~b~."

You've quoted this to say, "if you don't think g(X) exists then why did you post??"

(f(X) is men who want friendship, g(X) is men who want sex, X~a~ is men in feminist circles, X~b~ is men not in feminist circles.)

[-] Nangijala@feddit.dk 5 points 21 hours ago* (last edited 21 hours ago)

It's still a stupid way to look at it.

First of all: male feminists can indeed feel entitled to women as well as men who aren't feminist can just feel socially lonely and not being obsessed with women who don't date them.

I think it is dumb to have leftist and feminism as a criteria for a man being a good person or not. It is a reductive way to think about the issue and very tribalistic.

Second of all: There are many people out there, not just men, who aren't obsessed with the culture war, who still struggle with loneliness and the problem is multi faceted. Off the top of my head these are some of the issues I spot in the developed world that causes the loneliness epidemic:

  • long workdays and lower pay than in the past. People are exhausted and poorer than they were in the past. There is not much energy left after work to go be a productive, social member of society.

  • phones and social media. Today it is easier to connect with people than ever before, but it is also a time waster and it opens the door to people forming friendships and romantic connections with people who are geographically very far away.

  • this leads to physical loneliness. I am partially guilty of this myself. Most of my close friends live very far away from me and I don't get to see them often as a result. I miss having friends close by that I can just walk down the street to hang out with or go on picnics with. I don't spend time with people in my local area because I don't have as much in common with them, nor do I have the energy to form new friendships when I'm off the clock.

  • the lack of investment in local communities. People don't want to invest time and effort into their local communities by volunteering for clubs and gatherings. Most people would love to have these clubs where people meet and hang out, but no one want to carry their load to make it work.

  • this is of course a mix of the aforementioned exhaustion from long work days but it is also due to the individualistic ideology that has gradually replaced the communal ideology that used to be much more prominent back in the day. There is no willingness to sacrifice one's own comfort for the comfort of the collective. "Screw you, I got mine" is a very in fashion mindset and we all do it to some extent.

  • institutions. I like institutions as a concept and I think they are important to have, but I also have to admit that the more institutionalized our society has become, the wider the gap has become between us. Someone is mentally ill? Throw them in a clinic. Someone is getting old? Off to the retirement home? Having kids? To kindergarten and daycare they go while mommy and daddy work themselves to the bone. In the olden days the community took care of each other's sick, elderly and the kids. It wasn't perfect then either, the tendency to just drop burdens off on institutions has contributed to us distancing ourselves from the familial and community based system that we used to live by for thousands of years.

  • governments prioritizing economic growth and technological advancement over families. This is just a fact. South Korea is the prime example of what happens when an advanced society systematically prioritizes growth over stability. The encouragements to get educated and get a career and climb the ladder and push push push for excellence utterly destroys and isolates youths from forming important lifelong friendships and romantic relationships. They do not have the time. Also, due to the cost of living crisis which is part of the growth priority, there is close to zero actual investment in giving people the time, breathing room and finances to start a family.

These are just the first few issues that pop into my mind as part of the bigger issue with the loneliness epidemic.

To boil this issue down to "men outside of leftist and feminist circles are just mad they can't get laid" is so fucking stupid I don't even have words for it. My point still stands.

[-] Mniot@programming.dev 1 points 11 hours ago

It sounds like your position is that the loneliness epidemic affects everyone and that there's no reason to talk about it being male loneliness. If so, I believe you're in agreement with the OP and feminist circles: "There is no male loneliness epidemic. It is simply a loneliness epidemic."

However, if you nose around online, you'll find that there are MRA-type circles who are very invested in the idea that it is a specifically-male problem. I interpret the OP img-text as being a reaction against that. To continue the New University quote from above: "By arbitrarily gendering a universal loneliness, our fragmented society becomes further fractured, and the discourse surrounding relationships becomes a breeding ground for misogyny."

[-] Nangijala@feddit.dk 2 points 5 hours ago

I think you're giving OP too much credit tbh.

That said, it is definitely an issue that affects all of us, not just men. Totally agree there. The fact that some men think it's exclusively a male issue is of course silly and can be a problem if they end up falling into these Tate-esk parts of the internet, but when it comes to men being lonely, I do take their issues seriously and I'm not so quick to sit and mock them for being in the situation they are in.

I would also be interested in seeing some studies about how loneliness affects both genders and in what way. Maybe there is in fact a higher number of men who suffer from loneliness than women. Maybe it's the other way around. Maybe it is 50/50. I don't know because I haven't looked into it.

But no I don't agree with the OP because the point OP was making wasn't that everybody is lonely, it was that men who don't align with her ideology are lonely because they can't get laid and I think that is a very reductive way to contribute to this specific conversation. It is people like OP who actually helps push lonely guys into the arms of the manosphere and that is why I react harshly to her behavior.

[-] Quexotic@infosec.pub 15 points 1 day ago

Funny. I always thought it was a camaraderie thing because I'm married. That definitely makes a lot of sense though because young men are becoming more right-wing and most women do not like that so it seems like that would be a big hurdle and maybe they just need to figure their shit out.

[-] angelmountain@feddit.nl 25 points 1 day ago

I am in a relationship, but also lonely. I would like someone to share relationship-problems with for when they occur every once in a while. But it's hard.

Don't believe all the crap you see on TikTok and talk to actual people about their problems. Please.

[-] TwoBeeSan@lemmy.world 10 points 1 day ago

Lemmy's relationship advice would be "have you downloaded linux?" Instead of reddits "divorce them."

To be fair. Most relationships are so contextual actual advice from internet people can be hard.

Good luck bb. I got lucky and found a great communicator. Literally first time a relationship hasn't felt like pulling teeth. Actual love instead of transactional. But it all started with communication. With my oddities, with theirs.

[-] hex@programming.dev 7 points 1 day ago

Please don't isolate yourself to your partner only
You need friends

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[-] pyre@lemmy.world 27 points 1 day ago

no, make loneliness epidemic is exactly what's described in the first post. societal norms mostly hinder men from forming meaningful friendships with other men, and women as well. they're discouraged from expressing feelings (maybe other than aggressive ones) and being vulnerable. i don't know how you can form any relationships without doing either. and turns out you really can't. hence a lot of men feel lonely.

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[-] nibby@sh.itjust.works 49 points 1 day ago

I feel like this type of reply to the male loneliness epidemic (or y'know just the loneliness epidemic, since loneliness has been on the rise independent of gender) really does not give a shit about the people that experience loneliness by reducing them to the most horrible and loud of subset of them.

Sure, there are incels that will twist and turn every societal tragedy into why they are victims and deserve to keep hating women. But by listening to them and reducing the entire problem to hahaha, the women haters are getting what they deserve, you are just hurting everyone else.

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[-] imetators@lemmy.dbzer0.com 43 points 1 day ago

Haha! Hey, look! Men expressing feelings in comments and getting attacked by alphas and women for doing so! Next post on askmen - "Why are men so closed in and do not share their feelings?"

Maybe some are making it about getting laid, but overwhelmingly most men struggling with it have completely different reasons for why it is happening, in many cases outside of their power.

[-] lowleekun@ani.social 12 points 1 day ago* (last edited 1 day ago)

This is a pretty stupid take. Just stupid. Not much to add to this.

Much of my energy is spent trying to be an enjoyable presence and it god damn works as people seek my presence. Does this lead to sex? No, why would it?

Being an enjoyable presence in order to get sex makes absolutely no sense.

[-] hex@programming.dev 8 points 1 day ago* (last edited 1 day ago)

Wtf? How else are you supposed to get laid? Make friends, be interesting. Meet people. Lmao

[-] Quexotic@infosec.pub 6 points 1 day ago

I mean, you really don't even have to be that interesting, you just have to be non-repulsive and maybe a little bit compassionate and empathetic.

[-] hex@programming.dev 6 points 1 day ago

Lol, exactly my point. But I agree that "male loneliness" doesn't have to do with not getting laid. Idk what the person in the screenshot is talking about, I just found the last comment about trying to get laid funny.

[-] Quexotic@infosec.pub 2 points 1 hour ago

Despaeation is definitely not attractive.

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[-] Phegan@lemmy.world 8 points 1 day ago

Wait, it's about not getting laid and not a lack of bonding and friendship? Oh yeah absolutely a skill issue. Try treating women like humans and show empathy. It works pretty darn well.

[-] zarkanian@sh.itjust.works 1 points 13 hours ago

This isn't about women.

[-] zarkanian@sh.itjust.works 67 points 1 day ago

That isn't what people mean by it. Loneliness means loneliness.

Imagine what would happen if somebody said this about women. Are you lonely, ladies? Have you tried being enjoyable and relaxing? And you should smile more!

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[-] starelfsc2@sh.itjust.works 27 points 1 day ago* (last edited 1 day ago)

Semi related but it's actually so irritating how I have to go through life where my value as a human being is decided by how much money I make, how many girls I get, how successful I am when I could not care less about any of that, but I will get judged severely for it if anyone "finds out" that I'm not successful in... things I don't care about...

Like why is that my value to people? I don't want to have kids with you, you don't have to live my life, if it's fun and rewarding being around me why is that not enough? It seeps in even to progressive speech where people will say "clearly he gets no women" like that decides their value as a person. Very cringe. Also don't forget to downvote for minimizing male loneliness as men can't get women for the 9999th time.

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[-] TheReturnOfPEB@reddthat.com 15 points 1 day ago* (last edited 1 day ago)

is it ok if i don't judge my sense of manhood by the "getting laid" part ?

i'm not into judging womanhood by using male anything, and i don't see why the other way makes any more sense.

[-] pineapplelover@lemmy.dbzer0.com 13 points 1 day ago

I'm with the second guy. I'm not going to doom scroll through useless dating apps and talking to every woman on the street. I'd rather do my own hobbies and do my own things so worst case scenario, I'm happy with what I'm doing, best case scenario I get a SO, or reasonable scenario is I make some friends.

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this post was submitted on 30 Jul 2025
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