I'm sorry this is going to be whiny and I'm not even sure if this is the right place. I'm not looking for pity, I just want to put it out there. Scream a bit into the void.

I always was gender-nonconforming. Learning about the existence of trans men in my twenties made me euphoric. I'm sure I would have transitioned without batting an eye if I had known as a teenager.

But then, life happened, and right when I started to grapple with the possibility of being trans, I got cancer, but survived. Then more life happened, but I found a social environment which often made me forget even having a gender. So the problem got postponed. I postponed the problem. I got around gendering myself, mostly referred to myself in an unspecific generic masculinum (I'm German, we have an annoying amount of gender in our language), using they/them (or the German 'es' (it)) whenever possible and inconspicious.

But some years ago I caught post covid and I lost that genderqueer social environment. I cling to my work (which is exhausting, but fulfilling), so I don't have the energy for more than work and doctor's appointments and survival.

Having post covid already means taxing the patience of doctors. Some don't believe you, think it's psychosomatic or you're just lazy. There are a lot of experimential remedies which help a bit for some people, but getting your physician to prescribe them to you isn't easy. I'm not sure being extra-suspicious by not being 'normal' is something I can afford.

Same at work: I'm not out. I don't want to explain. I don't have the energy to explain. It's a pretty open-minded industry, they put their pronouns in their zoom usernames and everything. I don't put my pronouns in my username, because I don't want to explain. I look like a right-wing reactionary. They would have no problem with me being trans, but it would not only mean having to explain, but also being out in 'the real world'. More people asking more questions. Some of them to offend.

So I just try to not have anything to do with it. But often, language forces me to decide. Being a woman is easier, has less social costs, is less dangerous.

I have to accept that right now (and for the foreseeable future) there are other battles to be fought. But I'm not even an ally, I ride my cis priviledge like an electrical wheelchair.

I just referred to myself in an email in the female form. I decided that this is how I will carry on. I'm kind of sad about it, it's like giving up.

Anyway, thanks for reading. I just needed a place to whine.