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I don't know who I'm supposed to date (programming.dev)
submitted 1 week ago by lazyneet@programming.dev to c/mtf
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This thought has been bugging me for the past few months. Out of my ~15 partners, only 4 would I describe as "conventionally attractive," and all of those were decidedly fem (1 cis f, 2 tf, 1 sissy), and they were all bottoms. I (32tf) can't and don't want to top.

I consider myself pan and I say I like men, but in practice I only like soft and androgynous types. Fem tops are unicorns, and I seem to only be able to maintain relationships for ~6 months at most. My last relationship with a man was such a disaster that I'm tempted to swing the other way, except I don't want to be an ace side or whatever terms people use to justify what amount to platonic relationships. I'm also too busy to really care about anyone right now. How do other transfems navigate this kind of sexual/romantic difficulty?

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[-] deviantfemboi 5 points 1 week ago

I think about it like that too, which led to a poly situation. And I just don't find many cis men that I'm interested in. They are all bi/pan.

I have a wife, who is a bottom we are "anchors" for each other. I would recommend finding an anchor, even if you both have to take turns using hands or toys.... as you said you only really emotionally connect with feminine folks, maybe you can find another person that feels the same way, they are plentiful imo.

We have a BF who tops women and not me :( I do get his hands and not much else :) but he is a lovely person that like cuddles me a bunch and kisses, literally every other thing romantically and helps me garden and stuff.

I have a solo partner to satisfy mostly sexual needs and that's all they really want too. That's my FWB, but we are still pretty new to each other.

Toys exist, someone has to do the fun parts for the other person. I'm certain you can get exactly what you want if you put yourself out there and also work on yourself. Just keep grinding ;) and it'll happen. Being near a city or going to events in a city really helps, I would suggest a slosh personally.

Love, deviantfemboi (31 nb all)

[-] irotsoma@piefed.blahaj.zone 3 points 1 week ago

Yeah, I'm aggressively non-hierarchical in my relationships. I feel like hierarchy breeds resentment, so I don't have relationships beyond acquaintanceships with people in hierarchical relationships, so anchors don't generally work well in that. Not that it's not possible in some senses, but it's unlikely to manifest in a healthy way IMHO.

Makes it really difficult to find others who have similar views. Plus being AuDHD creates issues with my socializing style.

But it results in more emotionally driven support when you don't have to prioritize one person when another is in desperate need of something I could otherwise easily offer if I hadn't spent all of my spoons on an explicit primary or anchor partner. But that's just what works best for me.

[-] lazyneet@programming.dev 2 points 1 week ago

Ideally, yes, no one partner takes priority over another. Good luck finding even one as an early-stage late-transitioning transfem where I live. I'm ready to cut my heart out and set it on a plate for someone, but if I need more than one partner then chronology alone may create a hierarchy that's out of my control, as happened very recently and was toxic because of the first guy I dated. One bad apple will fuck you up. Good on anyone for having any kind of relationship and surviving in this crazy world.

this post was submitted on 13 Oct 2025
47 points (100.0% liked)

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