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How do you know when you're actually passing?
(self.trans)
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this post was submitted on 10 Nov 2024
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If you're perceived as a woman people tend to be friendlier and more polite towards you. My expierence with transitioning into a man is that people are generally more indifferent and cautious towards me now. I have to be a lot more mindful of coming across as "creepy" or "dangerous" than I used to be specifically with women who are strangers. I'm neither of those things, but the expectation of men being inherently threatening still prevails.
ooo, this a useful observation, thank you.
Thinking about it, I have found even when people know I'm trans, like when laser techs are lasering my genitals so there is no room for ambiguity, they treat me as a different gender than "man", i.e. the way they talk to me and themselves is in a way that I know as distinct from when I was perceived as a man (higher pitched or feminine, more warm, more talkative in general, nicer, etc. even between themselves). Being a trans woman, contrary to anti-trans rhetoric, seems at least in my case to be perceived as at least partially disarming.
Other good examples include when I went out in public pre-hormones and wore dresses and such, and people (usually liberal white women) would regularly tell me they love my dress or skirt or whatever, and I would get over-friendly looks from some people. It seemed like the opposite of the glaring conservative men, I got overly kind supportive liberals. This over-friendliness has been replaced with indifference and maybe normal polite-friendliness instead over time.
Thinking about your experiences, I do feel for trans men who cross the threshold into that lonely life, but having lived as a lonely man, there are definitely some men who can offer close fraternity - it is just hard sometimes to find those men and form relationships, but it is possible!
At this point in my life I am content with the good friends that I've made in college. I find that I have the closest friendships with queer men because there's less of an atmosphere of us both constantly trying to signal and prove our masculinity and more of a "whatever make you happy, I don't care" attitude. Less repression and insecurity, essentially.
Yeah, I didn't want to say it, but my experiences were always best with queer men as well. Glad you have people! đ
Oh! Is that what it is?
I've been using my "girl voice" all the time now, and while I might be said to present somewhat androgynous, I'm perhaps not obviously trying to appear feminine. BUT, when I talk to people, they (particularly men) have started responding in much softer tones after they hear my voice. I thought they might just be imitating me, but could it be their "talking to women" voice? I hope so :3
I think that is likely. I notice myself doing the same thing subconsciously where my pitch is higher around women and lower around other men. I wonder if it's a way to seem less threatening. I'm definitely not the only guy who does that.
I had a person do this when I first transitioned, he started emulating my higher voice in unusual ways. I tended to feel like I was being perceived as a gay man in those moments, rather than as a woman. I think often androgynous expressions lean into "feminine man" territories that lots of people perceive as "gay". It has been a real struggle for me to break out of "gay man" into "feminine woman" territory.
That said, it could be that the softer tone is for lots of reasons, I don't think it's a bad sign - much better than being viewed as a fellow man and treated as such!