In my experience, dysphoric thoughts can be contagious in a way, a particular, dysphoric way of seeing can transmit to other dysphoric trans people who may have not have considered that way of seeing.

(I am of course not implying gender dysphoria is contagious, just that my experiences with dysphoria have in the past caused other dysphoric people to have worse dysphoria.)

So as a precaution, I'll put my cognitohazard dysphoria thoughts behind a spoiler.

These feelings have improved somewhat over time, and it's only been three months since my surgery, so it's still recent-ish. I don't know how long these dysphoric feelings will continue, but I assume they will get better.

I guess I'm looking for reassurance, or at least someone else who has had similar experiences to chime in on theirs.

For obvious reasons, I desperately want to get out of the United States. Unfortunately, every country I look at doesn't seem interested in gaining a retail worker with no savings.

Am I just fucked? Is anywhere accepting us as refugees? Is there anywhere that's both relatively friendly to trans people AND relatively easy for an American to immigrate to?

I've gone my whole life (I'm 35) NOT thinking I was trans but now I do, wtf am I supposed to do with this? How do I find out for sure? Am I allowed to be a trans lesbian because I'm not attracted to men? Can I even come out, when it will ruin my whole life? I'm jealous of the youth, being old sucks.

So excited to be on the road again.

I had never tried taking it orally, but had to switch due to life circumstances and I swear it's made a big difference

Has anyone had the opposite experience?

So after I recently received news that my GRS coverage was denied which means that surgery is not a few months but likely years away, I spiralled pretty hard. And by pretty hard, I mean more than ever. The last three weeks, I've been more depressed than ever. Even more than before HRT. Because I was climbing a mountain, came close to the top and then it suddenly moved. I started smoking again for self-harm like I did before HRT. I stayed in bed for hours and hours, more than I've ever done. I either don't eat at all or overeat. I broke down crying in public multiple times in the first week after the news. I became scared of going outside because I didn't want everyone to see me cry again. I cried every morning after waking up for 10 days.

It's gotten better now. A bit. Reality is still the same, I'm still in complete despair at the thought of having to bear a penis for such a long time. I contemplated suicide for the first time in years. I'm not doing well at all, but in an attempt to see the positives and the good sides of life, I want to write a list with the things that I've managed in the 18 months that I'm on HRT and seriously transitioning now (It's on the day, actually! I started on March 13 2024). I had this idea when I read my HRT diary (highly recommend keeping one). I'm only allowing positives here, no particular order.

• I'm almost done with my Master's degree and will finish it in March with a very good grade (if I'm still alive then)
• I started writing and performing my prose and was able to put my experience into words that have moved crowds of up to 80 people
• I cried, a lot. I accessed my emotions for the first time since childhood
• I've been wearing my long natural nails for almost all of HRT and still regularly get compliments on them
• I developed friendships with my female friends that run deeper than I ever imagined friendship could go
• I finally felt allowed to send heart emojis without feeling like implying something romantic
• I've allowed myself to become so much softer in spirit
• I started taking care of my body and hygiene
• I grew cute little boobs I love. It feels right to have to protect my chest
• I can wear the clothes I want to wear every day without being hate crimed (well, except for if they're tight in the crotch... :( )
• I went on a date with a man this week, we sat down in a bar and the waiter asked: "And for the lady?", looking at me
• I changed my name officially and haven't been misgendered by anyone outside my family since March this year
• I got some cool tattoos I always wanted but didn't want looking like a man because I felt they were toxic. I love them
• I now have girl legs
• My hairline has started coming back
• I permitted myself to buy so many purple things. So many
• I have gone to a beauty salon twice now and the lady there was nice to me and not transphobic. I felt safe there and loved the treatment
• I now allow myself to not know things or not be able to do them. I lost the inner pressure of competence I always felt before transition (this is a bit misogynistic)
• I discovered that I like BDSM and whipping men lol
• I learned what it means to be desired and wanted
• I feel so free to just wear what I like and love how much fun fashion has become. It's become my lifeline and one of my favourite hobbies.
• I felt like a complete person for the first time
• I learned what unconditional love (by friends) is
• Women now sit next to me on the train, without hesitation
• I learned what it feels like to not be perceived as a threat in public
• People look at me now not only because I look weird but because I look hot and cool
• I'm celebrating my birthday next week and I only invited friends I see regularly and would consider someone I'd reach out to when I need help. I invited 18 people. This is a blessing.
• I learned what it feels like to speak with another trans person and just understand each other without words immediately
• I learned that however alone I feel, I am not truly alone and that my mind is trying to trick me into despair
• I dared to get a nose job and am so so much happier with my face now
• I don't have problems going to a hairdresser anymore because they won't be confused why I want a feminine haircut
• I'm not scared in the drugstore anymore when I look at the makeup section. The first few times made me throw up and I only managed a few seconds. Now I feel like I belong
• Sometimes, strangers (always women) smile at me on the street. I'm still so surprised by that that I don't manage to smile back in time, often
• People have started giving me the benefit of the doubt. I haven't been shouted at or criticised in months
• I learned what it feels like to live longer than I ever imagined I would
• I dared to go against my conservative parents and upbringing and tried to find happiness in a game of life that has the odds stacked against me
• It doesn't look weird anymore when I'm at home just wearing a t-shirt with no pants

I think this is my list, for now. There's probably lots of things I forgot but honestly, just writing it down helped. Maybe y'all want to comment your lists?

**So i'm in a bit of a weird position in my life right now. I've known i'm trans for the past 3ish years and recently started college. Most of the people around me seem to be pretty supportive and my parents are also supportive. I already have everyone calling me by my choice name but other then that I havent done anything I really want to actually start to transition so I can stop being depressed and there are some moments where like i really want to buy fem clothes but i go on amazon and its just too big of a mental hurdle to do anything related to transitioning has anyone else experianced something like this where they were in a place where they could transition and nothing was preventing them but they were just too scared to if so how did you deal with it?

Edit: Thanks so much for the advice everyone I think going on hrt is too scary for me but I'll order some fem clothes tomorrow. I really appreciate the advice and kind words <3

Hello everyone, It’s been a while since I last posted here almost a month. Honestly the truth is I have been completely overwhelmed with stress and depression because of my sister’s sickness. Life has been really heavy and in most days I honestly don’t know how to cope. My sister has been in the hospital for days now. It all started with her feet swelling then her whole body and after she fainted we had to rush her to the hospital. At first they suspected kidney failure then later confirmed she has severe Anemia. She also has another condition that requires her to be on lifelong medication. Right now she is still very weak receiving daily injections and sometimes oxygen when she struggles to breathe. The most painful part is that the hospital won’t continue treatment without us clearing the bills. The total needed is 1,670 USD but we are remaining with 1,057USD. Every single day the cost increases especially for oxygen and medication. I am really afraid of what will happen if we can’t pay. I know times are hard for many but I am begging if you can help us, please do. No amount is too small. And even if you can’t donate, kindly share this appeal becoz it would mean so much.

The support link is in my profile/bio. Thank you deeply for reading this and for any support you can give.

So my feet are what's politely referred to as freakishly large.

Eu 50

Uk 14.5 mens (womens size is not f**king applicable)

Us 16 (same)

I get custom made shoes subsidised because of a collapsed arch, but are there any styles I should consider to hide the enormity of my flippers?

Posted for reasons.

I just wanna say thank you for all these kind words. It feels soooooo good knowing that your struggles are "normal" and that other people go through the same, but it dies get better. It also feels good reading all the fantastic comments under all these posts here. This community helped ne a lot in my harder times and I Am so glad this community exists and is filled with such wonderful people.

So It's been probably 5 years since I've had anything resembling a friend group, or really anything like a friend; and recently I've been wanting to get out there again but I've stumbled across a couple roadblocks.

I can't do IRL because my town has 1000 people in it and most of them are hardcore conservatives and I don't own a car (fuck american infrastructure)

I am struggling to find an online group because I am extremely uncomfortable around men due to a lot of childhood stuff, and a majority of the public spaces are either mixed Adult / Teen or Adult only with absolutely zero tolerance for NSFW (I'm a hentai artist, unfortunately, I love my hobby too much lol).

I feel like a lot of it are personal hurdles I need to overcome too - like I'm very embarrased at how deep my voice is, I haven't had very many positive social encounters when I'm being myself and not putting up a façade etc.

But I have been working on myself recently and I think I'm getting there, but by trying to be too safe I can't really find the community I need. But I know for a fact that if I venture out too far I'll just end up getting hurt again, and my sensitive ass is pretty sensitive so y'know that's a shit deal.

What I want to know is: how did you find your group, and is it really worth it to put myself out there right now?

So as the title suggests I'm about to start DIY HRT soon, due to waiting lists for official HRT being long as hell (at least one year and I am just about to have everything to get put on the list). So I did some research on transfemscience.org and I also found someone through which I could get access to Injections (from voix Celeste) and Cyproterone Acetate (i will refer to it as CTA, because fuck that name). I will try to get Blood work done next month beforehand so that I know what my levels are, but I Am assuming, that my T shouldn't be that high (I always struggled with building up muscle mass and dont have that much thick body hair). The expected levels for my injections have been calculated using the simulator on transfemscience.org. Here are the graphs

Currently my plan on dosage and bloodwork looks like this:

• 1: Get levels checked
• 2: Do a first injection with 5mg E and wait a week
• 3: 3 weeks with 3mg E for levels to stabilise at around 150-200 ng/ml
• 4: Get another Bloodworm done (so in total 4 weeks after the first injection)
• 5: Depending on where my T-Levels are suppress them with CTA (I have no exact clue how much I will need, but depending on how close I Am to the goal of levels below 50 ng/ml I will probably start with a small dose like 2.5 or so mg/d)

The first dose with 5mg is used as a "kick starter" because as you can see in the graphs, after one week I Am landing directly at the low of the 3mg steady state.

In terms of fine tuning I think that its probably a good idea to wait 4 weeks after changing intake to give my levels enough time to settle. This is based on the about 4 weeks it takes for the E levels to reach the steady state after starting the therapy (this can be seen in the graphs). My goal is to land within the range of about 150-200 ng/ml for E and <50 ng/ml for T. I am aiming at these levels due to these levels, at least according to the introduction for transfem HRT, having the best feminizing (my autocorrect constantly changes this to demonizing lol) effects and at the same time minimizing other risk factors like liver toxicity or blood clots. I Am healthy, so I should be fine, but better safe than sorry.

Now my additional questions:

• Is there anything that I should also get regularly checked except E and T (The introduction to transfem HRT article mentions prolactine levels and to get regular MRIs with CTA, but says, this is only needed when going above 12.5 mg/d, which has no therapeutic value, so I am not going there)?
• Is 4 weeks a good enough interval to get blood work done after adjusting intake?
• Is there anything, that I should know about in terms if the safety of injecting (apart from that I need a good enough syringe/needle)?
• Anything else that I should consider that I did not mention here?

I already knew, that I am not capable of looking at the images of transition timelines, because it is absolutely devastating to see the progress of others while I have not even got it to get on the waiting list for an endo (but I am on my way to starting DIY). Seeing these kinds of pictures usually triggered quite heavy dysphoria and it usually comes almost instantly.

However, it seems like that not just transition timelines, but also storys of others who came out and literally had the best possible experience seems to be now a trigger too. Storys of people telling how supportive their parents are or who got the courage to go out full girl mode, while I am sitting here not trusting my parents with anything I plan on doing transition wise, since they usually try to gaslight me into not doing things or my mother gatekeeping on what standards I have to meet to be a woman. I am also way to nervous to go out in full girl mode (it took me literal weeks until being comfortable enough to not constantly hide my painted nails while being out in public).

It is absolutely devastating seeing how others are succesfull in becoming who they really are, and getting lots of support on the way to it, while it kind of feels like that I have to fight for everything myself and every single step in my transition takes literal ages.

Just so that this does not get mistaken: I have friends who are supportive, but they cant really take the burden of actually doing things from me. Best they can do is, that sometimes when we are doing something I get the courage to go out in a skirt since talking to someone distracts me and stops me from panicing over something as small as a piece of clothing. I dont even really have to fear for transphobia or meeting someone I am not out to yet when going out in girl mode. Its completely irrational, but still it takes wagon loads of courage (or weed) to actually go out in girl mode.

I’m pretty over shaving constantly, but I don’t think I can afford to go somewhere to get laser or electrolysis done professionally right now. How effective are at-home options? Which models of devices are recommended, if any?

This is really just a vent post tbh feel free to skip

In high school I had very supportive friends who helped me a ton and dispite being in poverty at the time I still had the time to care about my outward presentation. This ended up making the perfect moment in my life where I ended up focusing a ton on myself and even dispite having to hide it from very homophobic parents when I was out with friends I got called she/her basically every time a stranger saw me (unless I spoke lol)

But life hit hard after those couple months: I lost friends, my mom became bed ridden and eventually passed, I started failing school, a toxic relationship drained all the time I had from my hobbies. So my body hair grew out again, I put on more weight, I couldn't make myself exercise at all anymore, If it wasnt a school day I wouldn't even shower and I often rewore clothes since I would be too tired to do wash.

Well I always thought that when I moved out things would be better. That I'd get on E and become the girl of my dreams again! Instead the only work I could find is in a warehouse, my beard routinly grows to an itchy length because I just don't have the energy to shave, I was forced to move to the other side of the US to a shitty town in Idaho where im surrounded by only trumpies and racists, Ive lost all my friends due to the move. I don't just look like a man, but a whole ass dad to the point my coworkers assume I have kids... Im 19.

I don't have money, I don't have time, and I certainly don't have the energy to be trans anymore. Yet in my dreams when I look into the mirror, I see her, and for a moment I smile like I could when I was just a dumb kid again. And every morning after those dreams I'll wake up and be reminded that the friends family I'm staying with since I almost went homeless (and really need to move out from), even though their use my prefferd name, every action or joke or conversation is undeinably "your clearly a man". And I'm reminded of my sad reality that as I am now I will never come across as even remotely feminin

just feeling unusually happy today, but I attribute most of my happy days to transition (particularly estrogen), and in case it's helpful or motivating, others should know it really can get better, just keep trying

💖

i haven't posted about myself to the broader trans community or tried to find other transfems who feel like me, but the more i keep my thoughts private the more alienated and alone i feel. i'm sure other people can relate to how my identity manifests for me. i'd like to share.

my physical body does not match the mental image i have of myself nor does it align with my gender identity. when i went through male puberty my dysphoria only got worse. i have the expected body of a man and this causes me significant anguish on a daily basis. staring at my reflection and not seeing a femininizing image looking back is so debilitating.

however, i was socialized and raised the way i was, and that was "as a boy." i have an attachment to my male youth and i find comfort and affirmation revisiting those periods and seeing myself as a boy in some corner of my headspace. i developed as a boy, i made friends in "boyish" ways, i had some typically male oriented interests, and i genuinely became attached to gay romance and sex that i began seeing myself as male-but-in-a-girl-way.

if i "feel male" to some degree then why can't i just be content being a man? who am i to say that i'm trans-anything? it's something i have struggled with my whole life, but i simply detest the label of "man" being applied to me. the idea of being seen as one feels like erasure of my own identity to satisfy the morality of someone who isn't me. i don't embody masculinity, i don't relate to it. more importantly, it causes me stress and physical reactions to be placed in the category of "man;" to be seen as broad shouldered, wide, bulky; a prominent forehead and thick arms and legs; to be assigned roles based on my perceived manliness

however, i do not see myself as a woman either. it doesn't cause me significant distress to be seen as one, merely i can recognize womanhood isn't what i'm channeling. whatever space i am occupying feels rather close, though. it is 10x easier to talk to women and i've noticed several traits of mine are regularly assigned to those same women and would be described as "feminine." it's clear to me that regardless of my varied interests that any gender could take part in, i run feminine as a default setting lol.

so, as someone who has a positive connection to certain aspects of masculinity and refers to themselves with he/they pronouns i think i'm at odds with the majority of transfems, but i genuinely feel like the label best represents me. if anyone is curious i can go in-depth or answer questions, i don't mind. hopefully one of ya'll can relate as well.