First I just want to say that I wish this community was busier. There's still major things missing from R*ddit around here on Lemmy. Namely, actual discussion. In all areas, like even the punk subreddit was great for actual discussion and not just dumping links and shit. And as far as gender identity goes, I'm not sure how different my mindset would be right now if it wasn't for the non-binary and genderqueer subs on R*ddit being around and just having other people's stories to read and interact with.
But to the actual post. Not so long ago, I boldly and confidently declared that I'm agender. And I truly felt it at the time. Which honestly has just made it so much more obvious just how many times daily and for how many reasons I wish I was afab. And it can't be exactly true that I'm no gender if this is how things are.
However, I remain under the non-binary umbrella because I know that I will probably never* take steps to change my physical body or even start asking people to address me in a certain way. Not going to even share these thoughts and feelings with family, or even a therapist. And I haven't even been in contact with a lot of my friends for years and in this already religious conservative leaning country that I'm in, I have no doubt that a lot have gone down Joe Rogan looking rabbit holes in the years since. I've even had one old friend catch up out of the blue, which I was quite happy about at first, who then sent me a Jordan Peterson link and I kinda ghosted that conversation and haven't spoken to him since. So I've told exactly one (1) person in my life, a decades long online friend that I've never even met in real life lol.
So based on societal pressures and various other things, not excluding imposter syndrome, I begrudgingly accept my shell despite my inner feelings. I begrudgingly accept being something 'other' or 'in between' and that I will never be either. And anyone that wants to claim that this is some sort of fad is out of their god damned mind. Because it's actually kinda shit. The world is full of "men" and "women" labels on arbitrary, cultural and non-biological shit. And being man shaped but also not only pretty much disgusted with the current state of 'masculinity' but also yearning to be surrounded by things and people with the 'women' label is shit. And I think a double source of guilt and imposter syndrome is being man shaped, feeling this way but also being attracted to women shaped people.
So yeah, it's all fucked up. After a couple of years of this journey and thinking that I had answers, turns out that I still don't really know who I am or where I belong. Or if this state of being just dooms me to be alone and seeking connection in random corners of the internet in a binary world. But it's also all good because actually life has always been this way and I've got this far.
Probably around 15 years ago. Although, the alternative clubs I went to were kinda something between a club and a pub, I'd say. Definitely not nearly as tightly packed and awful as dance clubs, which I never enjoyed. So, within those 15 years I've been to alternative pubs and small gigs here and there, which maybe counts as the same thing. So the last time I went to a gig was probably 5 or 6 years ago. I'm actually itching to start going out to gigs again though, just need to not be broke all the time.
Not sure if any of that really counts as 'clubbing' though. An alternative club and a dance club are completely different experiences. And as far as dance clubs go, I went once or twice with friends and hated it and mostly just found a chair or couch or something and waited to go home.
I've never been a fan of much top 40 or dance music, those aren't my people and between the way too packed conditions, the music, obnoxious DJs yelling on the mic and smoke machines and shit, dance clubs just give me a headache.