You missed you.

Getting hit by a car was the first domino to me eventually starting hrt.

I want to write poetry, lay on the sun in summer, listen to the cicadas, eat oranges and apples, listen to relaxing music. I want to play the guitar.

Do it then. Seriously. Before it's too late. Live like a vagabond if you have to, fuck it. Life's too short

sounds like you had first existential crisis after desociating for a long time. only way to stop that spiral is to practice mindfulness and figure out a way out of whatever wage-slavery your stuck in.

our oligarchs don't call it the labor trap for nothing...

We reflect on our mistakes a fair amount, but there is a limit to how much it is worth chasing insights in errors.

covid was a bit like this for me and a lot of people out there.

fuck living like this.

Why do you feel trapped by the job you have? Can you get a different one?

Start living the life you want to live by thinking you deserve to have it, and things will start to flow better for you. Right now, it sounds like you are hugely distracted by how much you hate work and its keeping you from living your life.

Might be your have some unresolved thing happening, like you're trying to win a war against yourself or your parents or someone. One great question I took away from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy is: "What if you let the war go on without you?" That is to say, what if you just did what you wanted without feeling you had to resolve everything, win every battle, conclusively defeat every opponent? The war will still go on, it will still bug you on occassion, but you can go on building the life you want for yourself and that will give you a different perspective than the one you have now in the trenches.