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True Ally (lemmy.dbzer0.com)
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[-] ozymandias@lemmy.dbzer0.com 133 points 1 week ago* (last edited 1 week ago)

there’s a lot more to what it means to be perceived as gay in this society than just that person, personally hating gay people.
i had someone say that to me and i’m just extremely self conscious so i was just trying to figure out why….
was it my tone of voice? mannerisms?
all these penises in my mouth?
Is that why women are seldom romantically interested in me? Do they all think i’m gay? is that the key to my loneliness? (probably just the ugly part).
if you tell someone, “oh i figured you like country music” and they don’t, they’re going to wonder why.
and i don’t know if they stopped, but kids used to be pretty mean calling people gay… it can be kind of a “touching on childhood trauma” thing.

my advice: don’t “trick” people with clever “tests” and try to be genuine with your friends. If you’re gay and you have straight friends, those friends probably aren’t the problem even if they have a problem with being misidentified as gay.

[-] n0respect@lemmy.world 8 points 1 week ago* (last edited 1 week ago)

Agree. Let's approach this from the rational angle. "If they don't react how I think they should react, then they must be..." But that's clearly not a rational process. Its not even a decent heuristic.

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[-] Derpenheim@lemmy.zip 90 points 1 week ago

Why is this okay because they are straight? Imagine saying you thought your Trans friend was a man, when they are trying to present as a woman.

These kind of tests are so toxic, and serve nothing but to spark an argument and hurt feelings.

You are part of the problem.

[-] KAtieTot 21 points 1 week ago

I don't see how those two are related at all and honestly treating them as interchangeable is... cringe.

There is no harm in suggesting you thought someone was gay or straight, especially because sexuality has nothing to do with outward appearance and can be kinda nebulous to infer at all. If you're not comfortable with the idea of being lgbt+, how are you an ally? Nothing differentiates a gay man from a straight one, outside of attraction to other men.

Whereas so much of trans struggles and validity relate to how they're/we're perceived. Do I pass enough to shit in the restroom that conforms to my identity?

[-] LwL@lemmy.world 15 points 1 week ago

So you think there isn't a lot of extremely toxic male culture that will make men feel invalid for not being perceived as straight? Because that shits everywhere. It's perfectly normal to struggle with that, feeling insecure about your self image has nothing to do with your support of others.

And insecurities can come from very personal things and no one should be judged for them. Lying about how you perceived someone as a "test" is toxic as fuck.

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[-] zeca@lemmy.ml 11 points 1 week ago

Crappy comparison...

[-] Devial@discuss.online 9 points 1 week ago* (last edited 1 week ago)

Yeah, calling a straight person gay as a joke/bit is not even remotely comparable to deliberately misgendering a trans person, and it's kinda crass and disgusting to pretend it is. Screams to me that you don't actually know any trans people, or at least no closely enough to understand how devastating such a comment can be to them.

Straight people, with very few, if any, exceptions, didn't grow up being told they're gay. Being forced by society to express themselves as gay, even though it made them feel awful. They didn't spend potentially decades feeling unwelcome in their own skin. They don't spend hours upon hours worrying that society won't accept than as "a real straight". They don't spend days worrying about the hate crime, discrimination and legal persecution they are susceptible to if they don't look straight enough. Triggering that level of trauma isn't the same as making someone slightly uncomfortable because they found out they unknowingly didn't express their outward sexuality as strongly as they felt. It isn't remotely, on any level, comparable, and that is an objective truth.

I am also notably not defending calling straight people gay. I'm just pointing out that deliberately misgendering a trans person is on a completely different plane of shitty behaviours. Not every shitty behaviour is automatically equally shitty.

Classic straight people. You're just completely unwilling accept that some mildly crappy behaviour towards you isn't universally described as the worst behaviour ever. I bet you people also think that calling a white person a cracker is exactly the same as calling a black person the N-Word.

[-] rumschlumpel@feddit.org 10 points 1 week ago* (last edited 1 week ago)

with very few, if any, exceptions, didn’t grow up being told they’re gay

Except just about every guy who has ever been bullied. While the bullies usually don't actually believe that, it certainly explains why straight men get defensive about someone thinking that they're gay. Plus it's just inconvenient if you're trying to find a girlfriend.

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[-] LaLuzDelSol@lemmy.world 52 points 1 week ago

I don't think that would be my reaction as a straight man, but I could see why some people could be upset by others thinking that they were gay. It means you are not projecting the kind of appearance and energy you are trying to. It's like telling a trans man "oh when we first met I thought you were a woman." Maybe they can laugh that off but it probably stings still. It doesn't mean they think being a woman is inferior to being a man.

[-] Buddahriffic@lemmy.world 24 points 1 week ago

Yeah, this kinda feels similar to the whole "you can't be racist against white people/sexist against men" that tries to turn it into a cycle of revenge rather than bring anyone together.

It seems just like false flag division tactics. On the surface it seems like a good point, but you peel it back a bit and see it's more likely to just drive away people who might otherwise be on your side for not being "supportive enough".

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[-] EldritchFeminity 12 points 1 week ago

There's more to it than that, being gay 30 years ago was enough to ruin your career - even if there wasn't any proof. This is where the term "metrosexual" came from in the 2000s. Being gay was so bad that men came up with a word that meant "I'm straight but I like to shower and dress nicely."

So if you're a Millennial or older, odds are that you still carry the scars from that stigma to some extent, even if you're an ally. When I was a kid, calling something gay was the worst you could get without swearing.

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[-] TempermentalAnomaly@lemmy.world 44 points 1 week ago

Exposing people's insecurities is not a test of allyship.

[-] davidagain@lemmy.world 36 points 1 week ago

I feel like this is more of a test for confidence than for supportiveness.

[-] kryptonianCodeMonkey@lemmy.world 35 points 1 week ago

I'd say "because I'm stylish and I work out?" (Context: I'm fat and wear jeans and graphic tees year round)

[-] Cris_Color@lemmy.world 29 points 1 week ago* (last edited 1 week ago)

I mean guys are socially conditioned to feel inferior and less worthwhile as men for that kind of thing, I try not to hold it against folks as long as they're kind and choose to act in support

It takes some people a looong time to unlearn that internalized rubric. Sometimes it even takes gay guys a long time to unlearn it

[-] Reginald_T_Biter@lemmy.world 21 points 1 week ago

My brothers friend came out to his group, and apparently one of them just went "gayyyyy" and they had a laugh and that was that.

[-] jaschen306@sh.itjust.works 15 points 1 week ago

A gay dude hit on me and I was super flattered. I told him that he looked good too without saying "No Homo"

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[-] RaivoKulli@sopuli.xyz 14 points 1 week ago

I'd be interested to know why they thought that too. Not sure why that's a bad thing

[-] RBWells@lemmy.world 13 points 1 week ago

My queer kids seem to think I am lesbian. The girlfriends "are you sure your mom isn't lesbian?" I literally have birthed 4 of kids , half of that set queer, and myself had only 2 long term relationships, both with men. I'm only into men, as far as I can tell. Am not offended in the least, as I get older I do wish it was so, women hold up better; and they obviously mean it as a compliment, it's just funny.

[-] elucubra@sopuli.xyz 11 points 1 week ago

I'm a straight guy. I don't wish I was gay, but being bi would be pretty cool. Twice the options.

[-] pyre@lemmy.world 8 points 1 week ago

sadly it still equals zero

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[-] infinitesunrise@slrpnk.net 11 points 1 week ago

"Yeah, lots of people do. My parents did, too."

I actually get this fairly frequently. I don't read as terribly cis, but I am.

[-] lightnsfw@reddthat.com 11 points 1 week ago

I used to get it a lot when I was young because I didn't have a girlfriend. I was always like "....Yeah it's not because I'm 5'3, shy as fuck, got the shit bullied out of me at school for 6 years straight, and don't go to social activities, I'm just gay..." Assholes.

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[-] hddsx@lemmy.ca 10 points 1 week ago* (last edited 1 week ago)

If a gay friend told me that, I would have said “you have shit taste in men”

[-] AI_toothbrush@lemmy.zip 9 points 1 week ago

I mean yes but no. I think a lot of gay people would also react poorly if you called them straight and thats why you shouldnt.

[-] PapaStevesy@lemmy.world 9 points 1 week ago

Scalped?! Wtf kind of racist-ass slang is that?

[-] belluck 23 points 1 week ago
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[-] fartographer@lemmy.world 8 points 1 week ago

When people tell me "I thought you were gay," or whatever, I reply, "I'm not, but thank you for noticing me."

My gay friends have told me that I'm one of the least gay people they've ever seen. I don't totally know what that means, but it weirdly hurts.

[-] olafurp@lemmy.world 7 points 1 week ago

A lot of people thought I was gay my answer was always "Yeah, I get that a lot, not sure why though."

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this post was submitted on 21 Nov 2025
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