That's the classic reaction of a narcissist. Both my parents got real friendly when I moved away, but started the bullying behavior as soon as I showed up to visit.
I cut off contact and my mental health is better for it, but your mileage may vary...
Tbh I already feel better. I start to realize how much I’ve been put in a box for their approval. It almost made me feel like I couldn’t live without them. It’s weird. When she comes at the door and say some bullshit, I know it’s some form of gaslight. I don’t mention it to her. I just stay silent because if I do talk I’ll step into her game.
Yup, constantly chasing approval that will never come burned me out to the point of my "attempt".
I lived with my mother until late 2019, which at the time I'd have been around 25. She'd brought me up on the notion that I was always to care for her when she got old, and she was already decently old when she had me. Cut ties, and ended up homeless for a few weeks, but I managed to scramble to get something together decently fast.
With COVID starting she reached out and I reciprocated. It didn't take long for her to fall into old habits. It began with snide comments and attempts at manipulation, and progressed into outright demands. For a few years I lived with the hope that perhaps she'd change, come around and listen, see why I was hurting. She never did, and I finally severed all ties forever in mid 2023.
The entire time she'd been ranting to people about how I was immature and misbehaving. Don't think she'll ever properly see me as a functional adult with a mind of my own.
The best thing I did was just to move on and live my life. Focus on myself and not have any expectations from her. I've gone from feeling like an empty shell to feeling like a person. Picked up old hobbies again, and started new ones. Hell, I've had two boyfriends, which feels like a lot given that she made me believe that no one but her could ever love me.
You obviously already know, but it doesn't hurt to hear it; your life is your own to do with as you please. Don't let others limit you or drag you down.
My mother is somewhat similar and I ended up cutting ties with her later in life. I hope you keep your boundaries and don't let her erode them. Neglectful and narcissistic parents are very good at appearing like they're really sorry or minimizing their abuse, and it works if you let it cause you enough guilt. Proud of you for establishing boundaries OP.
My wife's parents were like that. Not so much the father, but the mother definitely knew how to manipulate things and at her worst it was disgusting what she called her or even me when we just started dating (over text and I saw it). She has 2 sisters, and it was very obvious she was the most neglected. I was furious but my tongue. She never learned to cope or accept that it was even a problem or not normal no matter what I said. So idk where I am going with this because the end result was they both died about 5 years ago a few months apart, so she never learned anything.
I will say both her sisters are way more awful, and thankfully, she has just started taking my advice finally and is distancing herself from them and not calling as much. I think she is finally tired of feeling awful after just talking on the phone. She has no friends, really, so she uses that as an excuse to keep talking to them and also because its the only family she has left. I told her that if my family treated me anywhere near what they do to you, you bet I would cut ties instantly. I feel bad because she just takes the abuse and somehow doesn't realize you dont have to feel bad or miserable all the time because of what someone does to you. The longer she distances herself, though, the more she seems to realize she is better off just for her mental state alone.
She has no friends, really, so she uses that as an excuse to keep talking to them and also because its the only family she has left.
Wow I relate with this so much. They screwed up my friendships so much and made me think I only can and should speak my thoughts with them.
I feel bad because she just takes the abuse and somehow doesn’t realize you dont have to feel bad or miserable all the time because of what someone does to you.
In my case, they made me think there is nothing to feel bad about. They gaslighted me that they are the right ones always. I would also not be allowed to be sad, because "look how good of a parents we are, in the world there are much worse, so you should be happy, we don't beat you like others do". OK? What I am supposed to say there... That's your job.. you born me. I was 9 when they first told me so of course I couldn't but just take it in.
It made me think along the way that they are right. BUT, if I do what they did (scream at them) I would be the bad one!
I knew subconsciously they're wrong, but voicing my opinion would turn into screams and silent treatment.
I don't want to scream at other people. I want to be a good friend.
Apparently I'm the bad one and immature because I cut connections with my dad a few months ago. My uncle made fun of that. I'm tired of them honestly. It feels like I've lived all my life with a burden. Until now I always tried to see the good side in things (just like they did teach me). There are wars outside, kids without parents, but that doesn't mean I should accept all the belittling they do to me.
Sorry for the rant. Felt good writing this though.
Sounds rough, cant even imagine what history you two have. Stay strong.
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