Hi Dad, this is hard for me to say, & I know it might be hard for you to hear, but I hate myself. I don’t like the person I’ve grown into

I don't know if you learned it from me or your mother, but with this one sentence you're exhibiting one of the most important parts about being a good man: Introspection.

Without this, someone might take another 20 or 30 years to arrive at this same place after making an absolute mess of their lives, yet here you are now knowing something is wrong and being brave enough to say it out loud. If nothing else, know that whatever else is going on you did this, and you have this as part of your character. Be proud of that, as I am of you.

On paper I am doing well but I don’t feel that way. I tried to do everything right but I still can’t shake the hate I have for myself.

Who wrote the metaphorical "paper" you're looking at? It might have been me when I told you what was important. It might have been society. Keep in mind, none of us know for sure. We do the best with what we have and we make mistakes. Sometimes society does it not for your own good but for its. Take a hard look at that "paper" and see for yourself if the things I told you were important are actually important to you. Cross out the things that don't matter to you. Write in the things on your own that do matter to you. Now, how different is the "paper"? How far off are you right now from what your new version of the "paper" says? That could be a path to your own personal fulfillment.

For me, when things get hard, I now stall & I hate that about myself. I guess I’m reaching out because I want to understand how you’ve kept going. How have you always gotten up when you’ve felt miserable.

I've been there too, certainly! In this I think we're each a little different, so I am happy to share what works for me, but don't get discouraged if it isn't what motivates you. What we start with is some wisdom of the ancients. In ancient Greece on the temple of Apollo was inscribed a saying "Gnothi seauton": Know thyself

This is perhaps the most important thing in your entire life. You need to know who you are, what your goals are, what trips you up, what drives you, etc. The more you know the more you can create situations for yourself to be successful (in however you yourself define success). A simple example would be, if you know you have a problem with alcohol, you simply never allow yourself to consume it. More nuanced are measuring your appetites or levels of patience and know when you're getting close to your limits.

Lets take the example you gave where "things get hard and you give up" of what I do in that situation knowing myself . Your doing your thing, moving forward, with regular progress and speed. Suddenly you hit a hard part! You push with all your might at the same speed you were before and can't move forward.

• First, I recognize the same speed and things I was doing before don't work for this part. I forgive myself. I don't get discouraged. It's okay, we've got other tools in the toolbox.
• Second, I'll take a step back and look at this hard part. What I want to do is break it down into smaller pieces. Still too hard? Break it down further. Keep doing that until you've got small enough pieces that you can start taking a step forward again.
• Third, recognize that you may need help. No man is an island, and the best of us know when to shoot up a flair and reach out to those around us that can help.

How have you always gotten up when you’ve felt miserable.

For me, I know that if I exhaust my patience on something, I need to do something I enjoy for a short period, and I can recharge my attention/patience for a few more minutes. So for some things I go back and forth at 10 or 15 minute intervals. The work, the play, the work, the play. Does it mean the task takes longer? Absolutely. At the end of the day do I still make forward progress on the task? I do. The alternative is I keep trying to force myself with zero attention/patience left and never get anything done on it at the end of the day. I know this. I've seen me do it. Again, this is me. I don't know if your plumbing is the same as mine, so make a study of yourself and "know thyself" and what you need to do for you.

Lastly, part of reaching out for help may be medical. We're just walking bags of water and chemicals. We're not built perfect and lots of things can throw us out of balance temporarily or even permanently. Don't dismiss that your chemicals could be off. This could be something like an organ misbehavior like a thyroid issue or even brain chemistry. Some things are impossible to address by yourself. There's no shame in reaching out, and in fact its strength.

I hope this helps you.

I feel like you gave me so much potential & I’ve squandered it.

Don't mistake what "potential" is. Potential are pathways you can take. I gave you as many as I could because I didn't and couldn't know which ones you would want to take. Many are mutually exclusive. As a parent, we give you weapons and armor to go out as an adult and battle "life". You received a two handed sword as well as a spear. You literally cannot use both, but I wanted you to decide which one was right for you. Following one means abandoning the other. I knew that going it, and am not upset at things you didn't choose to do. I just hope I gave you enough, and from how you talk of it, I think I did, so thank you, son. Part of you being you is choosing which of the potentials you have available to you that you select and move forward with. I have zero expectation you're going to use them all, its physically impossible so don't think you had to!

Know that whatever path you take, I'll always love you. What will always make me proud is seeing you make your choices and turning into the man that you are today and the one you will be tomorrow.

Son, this sounds an awful lot like burnout. Have you thought about consulting a therapist, or talking to your doctor about?

Don't let it go on forever without getting help, it's only going to make it worse!

Before I went on medication I had a lot of mental issues. I still do. They are just manageable now. I think a lot about how normal everything felt looking back on my behavior and feelings. To this day I understand intellectually how I used to struggle, but emotionally I feel like nothing has really changed. But everything changed. I am in such a better place now. It's still hard sometimes, but I am lucky to be where I am now. I know how easy it would have been to stay in that place.

I never felt like I needed medical help. I went because those close to me thought it was a good idea. It was life changing.

I'm not saying your situation is the same as mine, but I understand. I would recommend talking to a psychologist. I never thought it would change anything. I'm so grateful to have been wrong.

Fucking brains, they can suck. That's depression. I've dealt with it my whole life, and only just recently got to a level where I'm pretty okay most of the time. For me, what ended up being effective was therapy, finally getting and staying on medication.

I don't want you to have to deal with this for the decades I did. Find a doctor. Start with your GP if you need to. It's going to be hard to find mental health care, and even when you do, it's going to be hard to keep them on your case. The first, or second, or third person you find might not be the one for you. They might just stop returning your calls.

Once you do get the right person, it's probably going to get worse before it gets better. You need to talk and think through your issues; they're going to guide you through that process and prompt you as appropriate. This is addressing your most difficult troubles, shit you've been avoiding. Not any fun at all, but necessary.

Something you can do right now is recognizing thought processes you don't want, and consciously correcting yourself. Example: I was raised to be fairly racist. In my early 20s, I finally decided I didn't want that for myself anymore. So when I found myself thinking things about passers-by that I recognized were leftover from my childhood, I purposefully reminded myself - sometimes out loud - "That's a person just like I am, doing person things, just like I am." I know this sounds like Stuart Smalley "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like me", but I am telling you that it can work. It's effort, and it means you have to actually address those unwanted thoughts right in the moment, but please try it.

Buddy, I'll be honest. It's you. Watching you grow up, seeing you do your best to keep going even in the hardest of times, well, it keeps me going too.

We ain't born to do everything ourselves, kid. Don't realize most of the time, but we depend on having someone to share the moments with. Be they for better or worse.

Now I'm not telling you to get a kid of your own, though that is the conclusion most people come to naturally. Which is probably why so many unhappy marriages think a pregnancy will solve every problem... It won't.

Anyway, I just want you to know that when the going gets tough, it becomes less about loving yourself and more about having someone or something you love more.
I mean, every time you've looked at me and thought "he's way too into this" it's because I was. Whenever my own disappointment with myself hits, I know I'll be alright because I have happiness to fill the void with. And you're a very big piece of happiness!

Listen kid. It might seem cliche to say this, but life isn't perfect. There will always be challenges ahead and you will more or less always want to do better. There's no simple solution to this and i can't give you a better answer.
For me, love works. I kept with it and it kept with me. I know it won't last forever and yet I cherish every moment of happiness it's given me and will keep giving me. And every time I come face to face with my regrets, though they weaken my resolve, it's been love that got me through it every time.
Who knows? It might do the same for you.

PS: I want a grandkid. Eventually.

You are a good kid but you never learned to take it easy on yourself.

You need to let go of being perfect or playing the role that is not yours.

You need to stop trying to be someone that you are not (it gets tiring fast and it sounds like you did it to the point of burnout) and just let yourself be yourself (ideally with a bunch of rest and time to recover).

When I hit a similar problem when I was your age, I embraced minimalism (literally everything I had could fit in the back seat of my car) and lived off rice, beans, and spices in an apartment I shared rent with 5 friends for about a year. After which, I moved in with your mom prior to getting married to her. That simplicity gave me time to process my emotions and that restrictive budget gave me a huge runway to tell my boss to go fuck himself and not have to have the stress of worrying about money for a couple months while I found a much healthier work environment.