Hi Dad, this is hard for me to say, & I know it might be hard for you to hear, but I hate myself. I don’t like the person I’ve grown into, & it’s not because of anything you did wrong in fact, it’s the opposite. You gave me a good childhood. You were present, supportive, & loving. You helped me through school, college, my relationship, & advice for getting a good job. On paper I am doing well but I don’t feel that way. I tried to do everything right but I still can’t shake the hate I have for myself. That hatred that used to motivate me now just a heavy weight. I’m so quick to give up. I feel tired all the time, like I’m running on empty, even when I’m doing nothing. And the worst part is I can’t seem to push through it, even when I know something might make me feel better, I don’t have the energy or will. I just feel stuck doing things I don’t really enjoy since they don’t require any energy to do. I hate that part of me. For me, when things get hard, I now stall & I hate that about myself. I guess I’m reaching out because I want to understand how you’ve kept going. How have you always gotten up when you’ve felt miserable. I feel like you gave me so much potential & I’ve squandered it.
Starting was both very hard and very easy. I had help from my partner, but when they would suggest things I would get defensive, even offended sometimes. I remember feeling hurt that they were pushing my problems onto someone else instead of helping me. In retrospect it was how they could help me, but at the time everything was so twisted up.
Eventually I just went along with things. Once I stopped fighting it, everything was easy. Because of weird insurance stuff I needed a referral before I could see someone. I didn't have a regular doctor. We just walked into an urgent care and said "I'm depressed and I need a referral to a psychologist." Within half an hour we had what we needed, paid our copay, and left. We set up an appointment with the doctor and just showed up together. Thankfully the hill I had to climb was of my own making. It usually is.
Once I was okay with going, everything was painless and quick from there. Things started improving, I started feeling things getting better, it was easier to stick with it.