cross-posted from: https://lemmy.blahaj.zone/post/13974203
Hey, so I [17 MTF] have now known I'm trans for a bit over 1.5 years. Still, I have only come out to precisely 2 friends and my parents, even though I am a member of several groups that are trans-supportive. I have extreme anxiety when it comes to that.
Some reasons that I believe are part of why: (CW transphobia included)
- My parents didn't take it super well and are kind of on the edge between transphobic and supportive. (They have a lot of transphobic views but are generally not malicious about it and try to use gender neutral terms for me most of the time.)
- One of the friends turned out to be quite transmed despite being trans herself, and has invalidated me on several occasions for not having enough dysphoria at the time.
- I'm scared other people won't take it super well and I have no functioning support network.
- I'm scared I'll be seen as some kind of abomination
- I don't really feel like I "deserve" to come out since I haven't started HRT yet (and my parents do not support me starting, so I have to do this in secret) and don't feel like I pass well enough. I know I don't need to, but telling my anxiety any of that has no effect
This anxiety is absolutely crippling my progress. It extends not only to coming out but also leaves me too scared to even make an attempt to pass. I look pretty fem already and have sufficient voice training for most situations, but I don't even attempt to use that voice in public just in case it might slip. For this reason, everyone assumes I'm male very quickly upon me saying anything, which also leads to the anxiety worsening because now I'm also scared it was the looks and not the voice.
Additionally, I am non-confrontational to the point of fawning a LOT, which means I end up trying to appease anyone I have a conversation with even when there is no reason to. If someone criticizes the way my walls are painted for example, I will always agree with them to at least some extent, even if I actually like the way the walls are. This also makes coming out super hard because there is absolutely no way I will stand up for myself if someone reacts negatively. And that'll of course validate them in their negativity.
As I've said, I have multiple groups that I know to be trans-supportive. But there, I am afraid coming out might still lead to disapproval due to me "not passing enough". (Once again, I know this is a harmful way to think, but that's what I'm here to fix.)
I'm on a waiting list for a therapist, although I don't know how trans-supportive they are. I'm primarily there to help fix the anxiety and possibly get the autism I suspect to have diagnosed. I do hope they're good with trans stuff too, but it's not a requirement as I've already sorted the medical things out with slightly less-than-legal options.
So, my question is: Do you have any tips on how to reduce this anxiety and expand my support network by coming out in more places?
As much as I hate to admit it, I used to be a transmedicalist. It came from a place of insecurity, fear, and ignorance.
I always thought "I wish I were trans" but I thought I couldn't be. I'm too masculine, my voice is too deep, I have too many traditionally masculine interests...all that BS. So when I saw trans people that didn't pass, I projected those insecurities onto them. (Thank GOD I was never vocal about it -_- it's hard to think about).
But the thing about that, and what it took me far too long to realize, is it truly doesn't matter if you pass. A gay person isn't any less gay if they haven't been in a homosexual relationship, so why would trans people be any less trans for not meeting some arbitrary qualifications that other people set for you? Just like being gay, what validates your "transness" is your feelings, not your actions.
Transitioning doesn't happen instantly, takes time and effort. So for someone to not take that into account when trying to understand trans people, whether they're cis or they're trans themselves, is just ignorant. (And there's plenty of reasons for trans people to not visibly/medically/otherwise noticably transition at all, especially in a society that is hostile towards LGBTQ people). It's not necessarily malicious, but it is ignorant, so you shouldn't let those people invalidate your identity and your feelings.
But to more directly answer the question: Transmedicalists (at least amongst allies) are rare, so I wouldn't worry too much about that kind of stuff when you're coming out to people. In my experience, it'll be obvious beforehand whether or not they'll accept you. And if someone doesn't accept you, I hope what I wrote above and what others have also mentioned here will help.