Hey everyone, first time posting. Hoping there are others with similar experiences who can share insight, but at minimum I want to put my thoughts down.
I [29MtF] am pre-everything, but have accepted I am trans for the last 4 years with the understanding I would never transition. Continuing to live as a man in spite of myself seemed realistic. My dysphoria was never really that bad, so even though the idea of being a woman was amazing, I could always push it aside easily and continue with my life.
Sure, I would have bad days where dysphoria would get me down, thinking things like:
"Why can't I look like her? Why does it have to be such a big deal if I want to transition? Why would so many people hate me for being who I want to be?"
But as always, these times would come and go. I could grin and bear it, pressing on to another day.
My wife of 6 years is fantastic. I love her more than the day we were married, and we have a child on the way. In the past, I have been open with her about my general preference towards femininity. While she accepts this and loves me for it, I have never properly told her I think of myself as transgender. She and I both come from a background where being trans is considered wrong, and I know she still thinks that even though we are both supporting and accepting of our LGBTQ+ friends.
In the last year, one of my closest childhood friends told me he was gay. He and I regularly get drinks together, and mostly tell each other everything. When he came out to me, I told him I was trans. We have both been able to support each other, mostly as confidants while he deals with backlash from his family. I wish I could tell my wife as easily as I told my friend, but obviously that has more potential consequences.
The more time passes with me accepting who I am inside, the more natural it becomes to think of myself that way. This unfortunately has made dysphoria a more frequent and intense experience.
Additionally, there have been a handful of incredibly euphoric experiences I have had in the last year. My wife and I cosplayed a lesbian couple at a con this summer, which was the first time I dressed femme in public. Also, with my wife's pregnancy, I have been wearing some of her maternity clothes (shorts, sweatpants) around the house since those fit me surprisingly well. (Also justice for all of my hoodies she has claimed over the years)
I know for certain that transitioning would sever ties with almost all of my family and friends. Further, my wife would have a difficult time deciding what our future together would look like, assuming it continued at all. Despite her open mindedness, our shared religious beliefs would ultimately inform the outcome.
I wish it wasn't so hard to keep pretending. I'm just so tired.
Edit: Update
Can you keep pretending? If so and if it's the better choice for you then feel free.
I'm curious about you cosplaying a lesbian with your wife.
In one of our favorite series we watch together (Critical Role), two characters were introduced in a new season who we each latched onto as our respective favorites. Lo and behold, these characters ended up together. When we started deciding what costumes to make for GenCon this year, we went with those characters.
She went as Beauregard Lionett, and I went as Yasha.
A fellow woman of culture, I see!
I want to help, but I feel like you are more venting than asking for help? I'm trying to pick up on that more, trying to be a better listener.
Previous point aside, I feel you. The confusion, fear of losing your family... You can look at my history and feel vindicated in your worries... But I suggest you don't.
This is your story. Tell it how you want. If you think being in the closet for a while longer is better for you, we support you
If you decide to come out, we support that too.
And if, at some point, you may think you are cisgendered, well, we support that too
I'd like to think the trans community is mostly about learning who you are, and being true to yourself, regardless of where it leads, or at least that's how I approach it.
Just, remember to try to teach those around you how to love, regardless of what you decide. The only way we can make the world a better place is to try to teach people that everyone deserves love, compassion, and respect.
You are so kind, thank you. Let's leave the world better than we found it!
Yes, I am venting but also value any insight or help the community has to offer.
Well, some suggestions, to maybe help you feel more in-line with yourself, without being "suspicious:"
Before I even started questioning, some of my favorite socks were some really long, masculine styled socks, but went above my knee. Could give you the feeling of wearing stockings without turning heads.
Maybe you could incorporate jewelry? A simple necklace or bracelet might help.
Shaving my body hair really helped me start to find myself, and was one of my first big hits of euphoria. But, if you are especially hairy, people may take notice, and your partner definitely will.
Maybe talk that one out with your partner first, so it doesn't come off as a surprise and shock them?