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how do you know?
(lemmy.ml)
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this post was submitted on 25 Sep 2023
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Transfem
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TL;DR: I have no idea, but I too struggle with the conflicted feelings you mention.
I apologize if the following is a long ramble, but I’m currently dealing with very similar circumstances. I also prefer female protagonists out of a combination of attraction and envy. If I had a magic potion I could drink that would turn me into my ideal (unrealistic) female form then I’d take it without a second thought.
However, it’s unclear to me if I actually want to be a woman, or if I really just don’t want to be me. I’ve always been more traditionally feminine than masculine (naturally quiet, verbal rather than physical, tend to socialize better with girls/women, etc.), but that has also contributed social pressures that made me feel like I wasn’t a “real man.” Do I not feel like a man because I identify better as a woman? Or do I not feel like a man because so many people have mocked me throughout my life and made me feel like I can’t be a man?
I’m working with a therapist now on the many mental health issues I’ve had, and I highly recommend looking into therapy if you haven’t already. In my case, my therapist has voiced a tentative opinion that, what at first felt to me to be a desire to be a woman, has been me conflating my own identity with my unrestrained sexual desires and fetishes. Put simply, I was extremely isolated for so long with nothing to give me purpose or definition except for the the media I consumed. The idea of a young, beautiful, kind, powerful, sexually liberated woman was both the height of my sexual desire and the height of my personal aspirations. That (unrealistic) archetype was a fantasy that took on a life of its own in my mind and became a part of my personality over the course of approx. 20 years.
I hope that we, and the countless other people suffering, can come to better understand ourselves. I hope for a future where we can feel happy and proud of ourselves, regardless of what form or gender identity we are or will become.
This is a huge red flag. That right there is straight from anti trans conversion therapy tactics.
A therapist should not be telling you who you are or who you aren't, they should be helping you find yourself. And that there is not helping you find yourself, it's taking someone struggling to find themselves and then pushing them in a certain direction.
If you are trans, all you will get from following that path is pain and anguish, because nothing will ever feel right about pretending you're not.
If I were you, I would ask your therapist something like this. Now that you've explored the possibility that you're not trans, and what that might mean, and how you arrived there, how about you explore the possibility that you might be trans, and see where that exploration leads you.
If they push back, and refuse to consider anything like that as an option, or if they allow it, but start loading the conversation with negative stereotypes about being trans and comparing it to a fetish, then you need to get away from that therapist for your own well being.
You might be trans, you might not be, but you need to find a therapist who is open to helping you find that answer, not a therapist that thinks they already have the answer and is trying to push you down that path. Make sure therapist is the former, not the latter.
I think you should bear in mind that being transgender doesn't necessarily mean full on female or full on male if you don't want it to. There are non-binary options. Completely non-binary where you don't subscribe to any gender norm - not male, not female, and there is a spectrum of transfemme (non-binary but femme leaning) and transmasc (non-binary but masc learning) and you might find yourself anywhere on there.
Also being transgender doesn't mean you necessarily have to do anything about it. Just having a label to call yourself might make you feel more comfortable in your own skin, and help you to describe yourself to others. Hormones and surgery are just there as options for transgender people, but they aren't necessary.
Exactly! I would consider myself a fairly manly man. I was into bodybuilding for a while and it still shows. I also empathise with your struggle with sexual desire. It is something I have, and still struggle with too. Good that you found a therapist and best wishes for the future!