Hi again, I'm kind of doing a lot in one post so feel free to skip parts.
I'm just a little stressed at the moment and don't really have a place to vent, plus I need to ask some questions about DIY. You don't have to read the vent or anything I just feel like I have to put it somewhere.
<long vent/diary>
-- Written on 29/07/26
(I'm writing this in parts, so I don't forget the stuff that has already happened)
So after my last post I stopped shaving (my body hair) so I could end up pulling the hairs from the root instead (shaving sucks and ruins my skin, plus it lasts all of 12 hours). Around the same time I went to Wales to see my grandparents, despite the hair growth being pretty dysphoric I actually had a pretty decent time, it was relaxing not being able to do anything (if you get what I mean) and probably the lack of people also helped. On the last day after I took a shower I felt a random wave of euphoria that lasted until I fell asleep (the mirror must've been very kind to me), too bad I didn't take a picture, but judging how that usually goes that would've ruined my mood. Some of that good mood is probably due to Constant Companions (Deluxe Edition) by Jamie Paige, which I downloaded right before I left, I listened to it on the train and honestly over the break it very quickly became my favourite album (my top 5 used to just be all soundtracks), sorry if that's off topic but I really have to share that, she makes such good music, can't believe that I found her music by pure chance.
Anyway, shortly after I got back my birthday happened, it was pretty cool and cause of a couple reasons (delayed deliveries, my dad working on the day), it was kind of spread out across the following few days (just got the last presents yesterday as of writing this), although I felt pretty dysphoric on my actual birthday which sucks, I think that was because I tried to use an epilator on my body the day before and couldn't go through with it, that and I wasn't really mentally ready for it. I asked my mum if I could get some waxing stuff and also some tools to shape my eyebrows, she helped me get some stuff from boots (the UK store) a few days ago, and I started using the waxing stuff today, it sucks and was similarly demoralising to when I was using an epilator, since it doesn't actually get all the hairs and ends up ripping a few, but I think I just gotta see this through and chip away at it over the next few days like I did when I first shaved my body, also since the hairs that were taken from the root aren't gonna grow back anytime soon. My body hair really gives me a feeling of hopelessness sometimes, I really want this to work.
Also I know I didn't comment or anything but I really liked everyone's selfies, you all look so good! Almost made me want to post something but I don't really have a good photo yet, the best one I have is a photo I deleted immediately but immich managed to save somehow.
(late addition: BeamNG v0.39 released today, and I think there's some suspiciously trans coloured graffiti on the updated cinderblock wall, if that was intentional then that's given me another reason to love the devs!)
-- Written on 30/07/26
Gonna be honest, I'll start this off with saying I can't tell if it's normal for other trans people to have to internally transition as well? I still don't have an internal sense of anything, but quite often use my birthname or use masc terms in my head (without much thought) before catching myself, and I'm not sure if this is a normal thing? I personally tend to match what I surround myself by, and for most of my life I have been in masc spaces, so a lot of my language both internally and how I act around others is also very masc, not to worry though I tend to adapt really quickly whith in-person social environments due to my social anxiety, but since all of the social transition so far has been online and in my head, I feel it a bit jarring to use my chosen name and more fem language, it feels as though I'm forcing it or lying to everyone. It'll probably help when I tell my family my new chosen name and ask them to use a wider range of pronouns, and I can pretty much be 100% sure that expanding my social circle would very quickly solve the other problem, given I did go to a all boys school after all.
I contacted my GP today and hopefully they refer me to a GIC, anyway I did read up on HRT from transfemscience.org (yet to read the anti-androgen stuff) and also all of the transfem stuff on diyhrt.wiki.
-- Written on 04/08/26
Lots of nothing, mood swings and not so great feelings! Hopefully this is about as bad as it's going to get though.
Researching this stuff is making me worry about literally everything, hopefully it'll subside when I take my first dose and can confirm the troughs and peaks are good.
My GP has arranged a call later this month, hopefully they refer me after I talk to them.
Questions:
So I can tell diyhrt.wiki is outdated for the sources, but the hrt.coffee listings seem up to date. I'll probably do diy due to the higher costs of private healthcare, I'll also ask my aunt to see what they recommend, but I'm leaning toward injections since they're cheaper and seem to be the most effective.
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Are homebrew injections a good idea? OtokonokoPharma seems to be reliable (Vanna Pharma is gone unfortunately, and Symphony Labs isn't established enough), but I'm still not sure on the general sentiment, since I want to go through with injections as they're the best method. If so would starting on monotherapy (and measuring my T-levels) be a good idea?
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The "Mascara and Hope" guide, aside from being overly binary in their advice, recommend starting on a low dose and increasing (as per the NHS) as starting on a high dose leads to "conular (cone-shaped) breasts among various other health risks", but I'm not sure if this is the current advice or even really true?
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Storing HRT is supposed to be at room temperature, unfortunately it is summer and I'm in the UK, so like it's 30C in my room (35C on a bad day, 25C on a good day) with about 30-40% humidity, am I basically out of options or is this within reason? (OtokonokoPharma vials have enough for a year of use)
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Should I spend the extra effort to find my minimum required dosage to suppress testosterone (in monotherapy)? I get you should be aiming for it but since injections could be every 1 to 2 weeks and I need to wait for it to build up in my body first, if I can't get blood tests done for free I might just have to settle on what works
I'll touch on a few things:
Yes. There is an internal transition process. And it will continue for years. You've been using and responding to your birth name for years. That's not going to wear off overnight. When you transition, you really go through a process of breaking down and rebuilding your sense of self. You're not a completely different person on the other side, but you're also never the same either. Your way of interacting with others will subtly shift. I mean, hell, if you start being read as female by strangers, that alone will affect how you move through the world. Suddenly all the social carrots and sticks that get applied to cis women get applied to you. And just like cis women get conditioned by it to mold their behavior, yours is affected to some extent as well. That doesn't mean you're going to become a 1950s housewife, but no one is immune to social conditioning. Then add on the whole internal transformation that comes from asking, "ok, I'm a woman. What kind of woman do I want to actually be?"
Yes, especially if you're in the UK. I have no idea how long it would to take to get an actual prescription on the NHS, but it's infamous even over here among trans people in the US. And the thing is, there are enough people on homebrew HRT at this point that if there were some serious risks from it, we would already have an epidemic of injection-site abscesses and infections. Yet that hasn't happened. There's enough people on this stuff that if it were that risky, we would be hearing about it on the news.
The reason for that ultimately is that hormones, as chemical compounds, are pretty heat resistant. This allows home brewers to prepare sealed vials and then place the entire sealed vial into an autoclave. (Something like this.
This is what ultimately makes home brewing viable. They use filtering and sterile techniques such as still air boxes and laminar flow hoods, but ultimately it's the autoclave that does the heavy lifting. And because E and T can take the heat, brewers can make a vial in the imperfect conditions achievable in a home lab, seal it, and the heat kills any bacteria that might get through the imperfect preparation process.
And not all medications can do this. Some simply can't survive much heating, so if you tried to homebrew them, they wouldn't survive the sterilization process. They can't be heated hot enough to kill any bacteria in the solution without also breaking down the medication itself. There's a reason homebrew insulin is not a thing. Insulin, as a molecule, simply can't take the heat!
It works for most people. But I suppose it's what you want to do and what your budget looks like. If you can afford it, purchasing an anti-androgen as well isn't going to hurt and might help. But plenty of folks do just E. When you take a high enough E dose, your brain detects that the body already has sufficient sex hormones, so it shuts off sex hormone production, nuking your T production. But you should definitely verify you levels via blood work if at all possible.
There isn't really any evidence for this. There is now actual scientific evidence of progesterone helping breast growth, but effect of P or E dosage/delivery method is completely anecdotal. Just focus on getting your T suppressed and your E up, and hope for the best. That's really all you can do. Yes, there is a limited argument that in cis girls, they start growing breasts with lower E levels in early puberty. But reality check, unless you're that age, we can't assume that would transfer over. Maybe it would be applicable to someone who gets on E at an extremely young age. But for adults? Your growth hormone levels are completely different. That alone will mean what's applicable to cis tweens cannot be reliably predicted to work on trans adults.
Remember, hormones can take the heat. The DIY vial you got survived the conditions inside an autoclave. (Temperatures beyond 100C, a few atmospheres of pressure.) Now, duration as well as temperature do affect durability. But unless you're trying to store vials for decades, a few months at 25-35C is fine. Really the big thing is to keep them out of ultraviolet light. That's what will really degrade them. So don't store them on the windowsill or somewhere sunlight can touch them. Humidity is irrelevant, the vials are sealed.
Really, don't bother. I like my E on the high range. If my estradiol is anywhere from 300 to 600 pg/mL I'm happy. The thing to understand is the human body has the ability to safely handle very high estrogen levels. During pregnancy, estradiol levels climb up into the 3000 to 6000 range, and stay there for months. Now, trans guys do have to worry about taking too much T, as excess T gets converted into E. But for trans women? There's little downside to E levels a little on the high side. Find a range that makes you feel good and gets you the results you want, don't go too crazy, and you'll be fine.
But like, for reference, I'm a bit of a mad scientist. I once wanted to see what pregnancy-levels of E felt like, so I took 40 mg (1 mL of 40 mg/mL EEn) for several months. My "high score."
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Got some interesting effects, but had zero impact on my health. I don't recommend you try that, it was a risk and I willingly took it. But it shows that you really don't need to worry too much about getting your dose a bit high. You could probably take 10x your ideal dose and have no negative effects except for some really strong emotions. Though being on that kind of crazy dose for long term could probably cause some weird effects. So you don't need to stress too much about your dose being too high.
How did it feel during that high score period?
It was interesting. I did it for a couple of reasons. First, pure curiosity. Second, my sister was pregnant with her first at me time. And partially out of solidarity, partially my own gender feelings, I wanted to get a sense, in some very small way, of what she was feeling and going through.
The things I observed:
Greatly enhanced emotional highs and lows. (I ultimately stopped because I was starting a new job and needed to be more level headed.)
An enhanced sense of smell. Some things smelled worse. Some foods smelled amazing.
Breast soreness and swelling. Don't think I got much if any permanent growth, but things were definitely really sore for awhile.
Rosacea/the mask of pregnancy.
A dark line showing up on my abdomen between my belly button and groin. (Linea negra.)
It was pretty interesting experiencing even some of the externally visible physical effects of pregnancy.
Well thanks for your pioneering work and for sharing your findings. It's genuinely fascinating.
First off, thank you so much this is great.
I think socially I'll probably end up more masc, but it'll be what it'll be.
I'll probably go for monotherapy, and yea I'll definitely do blood tests regardless.
Thanks for the reassurance on the rest, that weird claim about breast growth was from a document made in 2020 with no sources, but I just got worried is all. For storage I do have places to keep them out of sunlight, but does this also carry for vials once they are in use? I'd like to know if there's a cut-off for when I should stop using a vial in case I end up having my levels drop by accident. Also woaw that's a lot, I think I'm obligated to stop worrying about any health risks of high E at this point, thanks <3.
Yeah I'm not saying you'll end up fem or something. Just that the current personality and behavior you have is in part the result of how you've been conditioned. Our environment shapes us. When you radically change your physical appearance, the kind of Pavlovian social conditioning you receive changes. And that subtly changes you.
I would keep vials out of the sun even after they're opened. People generally use them until exhausting them. Just visually inspect them. As long as they're not cloudy or have changed color, you're fine.
Oh yeah no it'll be interesting to see where I end up, I'm not against being fem, and I don't really know what will happen.
Thanks again for all the advice!